Hi..this is Amanda, Terry's wife who has been posting here on a reg. basis...first I want to thank everybody who has offered advice and support to myself and my husband. Secondly, I need advice on how to communicate with my betrayed spouse...after the fact

Amanda,

I am not really sure what to say to you. If I remember correctly, Terry has said that you had sex with another man, and you have told him that you cannot guarantee that you will not do this again. Is this correct?

I am not trying to be judgmental, but if this is so, you probably need to decide if you really want to stay in this marriage. I really don't think that improved communication is what you need to work on. Instead, I would suggest that you try to work on protecting your husband from this kind of behavior in the future.

Hi Amanda, welcome.

First thing is regarding the poll, the only two choices are the same <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Second, you talk to your husband by telling him the truth. If you hide anything and he later discovers it by himself, your credibility will be as worthless as Enron stock.

If your husband did not love you very much, he would have already bolted from the marriage and your PA/EA would have been his perfect excuse in doing so. So you've got a wonderful opportunity, if you seize it, to rebuild your marriage but it's up to you whether you want to or not.

Amanda, there are many xWS who can give you a lot of support because they've been where you are and their wise counsel is something you should really consider seriously.

Keep on posting, we are all here to help one another.

Amanda -- I am not a WS, but I can tell you that there are only three things a BS wants to hear: truth, truth and more truth. You can never go wrong with that.

Good luck.

Psycho_B***h

PS to Too Much Coffee Man: Love the sig. Are you also familiar with "It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion . . . " -- I can't remember the rest of it!

I told Terry that I want our marraige to work...that I am no longer fantasizing about other men,doubting my decision to become a mother and marry him. I mean it. And he said he knows that i am telling him the complete truth. I am guilty of being unfaithful...I had sexual relations with two men this weekend..(not intercourse...but close enough I guess)..I felt as if I needed to (as sick as it may sound)...feel what life would be like...as a divorced mother of two...what I saw and experienced was a devastating vision of the future...I am so sorry that I hurt my husband and family by accepting the men's advances and responding...under no circumstance will it ever happen again...I WANT MY FAMILY and nothing else!...But now that I have rid myself of that "bridges of Madison County" unrest, I am so overwhelmed with guilt, anxiety and low self worthk, that I have thoughts of %$^&*(^...that I would never act on but none the less I don't know what to do with myself or how to mend what I have done. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Amanda:

I am sorry that you are feeling guilty for what you did with those other men, but it shows that you still have a conscience that has shown you the ugly future you would have by becoming sexually promiscuous.

My xWW also became so addicted to sex with men that had prison records that I had no choice but to divorce her for not only my sake but for our two daughters sake as well. It was the most heartwrenching experience in my life to let go of someone I loved so much, who was on a path of self destruction that she did not care what happened to her own children, as long as she was getting all the sex her body could withstand. But it took the divorce for her to slowly start coming back to her senses and realized that she had a serious problem that needed to be addressed by her if she was going to be alive to see her daughters grow up to become adults. Fortunately she made the choice to actively seek professional help and turn her life around but it was already too late for any reconciliation because I had already moved on with my life and was involved with somebody else. The sad thing is that she has written me letters telling me how sorry she was for causing all the pain and suffering to me and our girls, and how she wished that I would give her another chance to make things up to all of us. I have responded telling her that I accept her apologies but that I no longer have anymore love left in my heart for her and that now I am in love with another woman.

Amanda don't become like my xWW who has now finally realized how much she has lost because she deemed sexual pleasure more important than the love of her husband and daughters.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by psycho_b:
<strong>
PS to Too Much Coffee Man: Love the sig. Are you also familiar with "It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion . . . " -- I can't remember the rest of it!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes and here it is:

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion,
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
The hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion

It think I will add this to my sig as well.

Amanda,

TWO MEN??? AT ONCE???!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I told Terry that I want our marraige to work...that I am no longer fantasizing about other men, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nice try, but I don't believe you. Do you really think Rome was built in a day? Do you really think you can stop what you have been doing and thinking just by simply saying it? There is something more going on then you are caring to tell us, isn't there? What does SEX mean to you? What about what you are really thinking? Too ashamed to say when Terry is reading? Are you not being fullfilled by Terry or is it impossible for you to be fullfilled?

You may be "overwhelmed with guilt, anxiety and low self worth," but you had those feelings before this weekend, didn't you?

About your main question. Do you not think your actions are interfering with Intimacy? Deal with the problem then maybe intimacy will follow. Intimacy is an earned right. You certainly would not tell your deepest darkest secrets to a common stranger, would you? Give Terry some time to absorb what has happened and learn to forgive you for what you have done. Be honest with him and do some soul searching and tell him exactly what is going on in your mind.

What tangled webs we weave....
-------------

Terry,

People are not defined by their solitary actions, but by their habits. Is what Amanda did a habit? Be careful here and remember people do not change unless God changes them.

I am sorry for your pain. It is a shame that so many of our problems here are because of the selfishness of the WS.

<small>[ July 23, 2002, 05:53 AM: Message edited by: chameleon ]</small>