Hey Never,
I, too, am just bumping to see how you are doing and have you contacted him? I talked to the 'guy' yesterday afternoon and really want to see him. I know this is moronic and yet, here I sit.
Sorry, I am not much help. I probably shouldn't even post to your thread. You need to hear from stronger people who know what they are doing and are more mature and stable than me.
Just wanted you to know a fellow struggler is thinking of you and knows what you are feeling - even though you can't imagine anyone on the planet could be feeling what you are feeling.
Let us know how you are.

Thanks for checking, Wiffle and Susan. I am not particularly proud of myself, which explains why I haven't written more lately. Yesterday I had a meeting scheduled at school, which OM knew about. He had mentioned that "you never know who you might run into..." Remember, we haven't seen each other in over a month. In that time I've ridden the roller coaster of still wanting him badly, but after reading and posting here, growing stronger in knowing that my marriage is the important thing. Some days I feel so sure of myself, other days I'm a wet dishrag. so anyway, yesterday I drove to school, confident that it didn't matter if he was there or not - my marriage has to come first and just because we weren't caught during the school year, nothing is to say the whole thing couldn't blow up this year - so time to stop te craziness and climb off the roller coaster. I got to school and there were a couple of people there, including the ones that I was meeting with. As we are all catching up in the office, one of them yells, "Hey, OM, come here for a second!" I almost died! When I hadn't seen his car in the lot, I was sure he hadn't come and that I was "safe", my resolve wouldn't be put to the test. As it was, I was cordial to him, but I could feel his interest in me (or was that my imagination?) Anyway, at one point I had to run down to my classroom to get something and on my way back to the office, I saw that he had slipped out and followed me. I made some comment about the music the custodians were playing and I saw him looking to see if anyone was around. He put his arm around my waist and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. I immediately walked away and back into the safety of the office. I was there for about another half hour, during which time he was in there for one reason or another. I decided to run an errand for the principal and left as soon as I could. Last evening, he sent me an email saying that I looked good, it was good to see me, and that he had thought I was returning to school after the errand - what had happened? As easy as that I can get sucked back into the whole mess again. The only difference is, I am not encouraging contact, tired of stroking his ego, and I am focusing more intently on my husband. It is amazing how my feelings for my H are changing. Last night when we made love and he said I love you, it was so meaningful and it made me think that with OM, I am always unsure of where we stand. With my husband, I know he loves me and deserves all of my attention, not the little bit I can spare that is leftover after giving so much to OM. So there you have it - I didn't handle it perfectly, but I feel as though I am holding the power, not him, and that I have begun to put my husband first. Thank you so much for your continued support and Pepperband, I hope someday that you will tell me that you are proud of my brave integrity, as you did another poster that I read today. No I have not yet told my husband, but I feel as though I am getting a grip on reality. Could it be I am slowly emerging from the fog?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some days I feel so sure of myself, other days I'm a wet dishrag </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So there you have it - I didn't handle it perfectly, but I feel as though I am holding the power, not him, and that I have begun to put my husband first. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is letting him give you a quick kiss in the hall having power over him?

Is making love with your husband and comparing it to your feelings with OM (even if they are unsure) having any power over him?

I know in my case I THOUGHT I could handle it. But, OM would say..."don't quit your job, at least continue to work here so that we can at least just see each other occasionally" (then he would walk by my desk constantly). Then he would say "well, can we at least talk or email" Then it would be "well, please just CALL me .... "Please just meet me in the supply room and let me have one quick hug"...and then "please meet me for lunch"...and THEN..."Please can't you just touch me?....." and you know the rest..One thing leads to another and THE FOG HAD ROLLED BACK IN thicker than ever!!! With each attempt to break it off, it almost seemed to get stronger.

The FOG had rolled back in as thick and heavy as EVER! But, even more than all of the CONTACT, my mind was constantly analyzing. I wondered if he was sad, I wondered if he was happy at home with his wife, I wondered if he would have someone else, another affair if I broke it off. I wondered if what we had was REAL.

Even during NO CONTACT and WITHDRAWAL, my mind was filled with thoughts of him. But, with time, those thoughts get fewer and fewer. Eventually you realized you have not thought of him in the last 10 minutes, then you realize it has been an hour, or 2 hours, and finally days since he crossed your mind.

For me, it was only after I was able to have no contact and quit obsessing that the FOG truly lifted so that recovery could begin. I realized I WANTED MY LIFE BACK! I wanted to find ME again. Now, I look back and can hardly believe I got myself into such a mess...I think "who WAS that GIRL????" It was certainly out of character for me.

I urge you to really pay attention to what is happening here and be honest with yourself. I am here to cheer you on!

<small>[ July 25, 2002, 07:43 AM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

Susan - let me try to explain better...in days past, a quick kiss on the lips would have led to a clandestine visit to his classroom. The fact that I was able to walk away makes me feel like I'm more in control. Also, although it is true that he was in my thoughts as my H and I were making love (and that is nothing new!), this time he doesn't come out on top, with my husband coming in second. Does that make sense?

I can't believe how similar your story seems to be to mine. It is exactly that way - he has even said to me that if we weren't able to stay friends after all this, it would make him very sad. So what?! I have to put the needs of my H and family first. The thing that makes me the maddest is that when this whole thing started, I wasn't looking ahead to the future. I know that having a relationship with someone you work with is stupid - but even more so if you are both married! Now it looks like he could be staying for a few years and I'm angry that I could end up being the one to leave my school - and I've been there over 13 years!

And I have to say that I don't feel as obsessed as I have been in the past. Whole minutes (!) go by when I don't think of him...and when I do, it isn't with the same gut-wrenching want that I did before. I should thank him, because he's made me see what a good man my husband is and I appreciate my H more than I ever have. Now I don't know if my H has always been this caring and attentive and I just didn't notice it, or if he is feeling threatened and is trying to meet my EN. For whatever reason, strange as it sounds, my M seems stronger today than it has in a long time. Sounds crazy, but it is true!

Any advice on how to handle "no-contact" when you have to work with the OM - bring your class to his room for lessons, etc??? And thank you, thank you, thank you for your continued support and non-judgmental ways! I can't tell you how much it helps!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Any advice on how to handle "no-contact" when you have to work with the OM - bring your class to his room for lessons, etc??? And thank you, thank you, thank you for your continued support and non-judgmental ways! I can't tell you how much it helps! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I certainly can't judge you. I have lived the same story. I have come out on the other side. My only hope is to help you and hopefully you can learn from my experience and not make some of the same mistakes I did.

Now, I do have comments on this, but I am at work right now and I have a project pressing that I need to work on. But...I'll be back as soon as I get it going.

Hang on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Any advice on how to handle "no-contact" when you have to work with the OM - bring your class to his room for lessons, etc??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, herein lies the problem. No contact is not possible as long as you still have to deal with him, even regarding work. You are still having contact. I tried doing the “no-contact” letter and telling him I wanted to work on my marriage and for him to do the same. Each time he looked so sad and ended up convincing me to try and keep the friendship.

Like I said, my counselor said it was possible to recover and still work with the A partner. I know you don’t want to hear this, but for me, THAT WAS NOT POSSIBLE.

I kept thinking I could find a way to balance it all. That I could make my marriage work and as long as I did not have sex with OM it would not take away from my marriage.

But, there was no way I could focus all of my attention, all of my energy, all of my love toward my husband. I had a heart and head divided.

My husband did a pretty smart thing, although at the time, I thought it was mean and cruel of him. Our son had just graduated high school. He was playing his last summer of baseball. My husband came home and announced to me that since “he was not the man of my life, (he was so very hurt) and he was getting out of my way”. He talked with his boss and convinced him to give him a 30 day work detail in a large town 8 hours from here. I thought it was mean…he would not be here to see our son’s last games…etc.

At first it gave me FREE time for the OM…but, then HE was with his family and he didn’t have time for me. Then as I sat at those baseball games alone watching our son…and spent all of those days and nights alone. I EVEN had my FIRST flat tire, alone, with no one to call. I know that it caused me to realize how much I missed my husband for the little things I had always taken for granted. The time alone helped me to see what I was considering giving up and I wasn’t even sure I could have the OM, or if I really even wanted him.

If I am correct, your husband does not know what he is dealing with and you are not in therapy. I really don’t think you can handle this on your own. Girl, this is BIG, not something to take lightly! and it is HARD WORK to recover. You can’t just sweep it under the rug and hope you are getting stronger. (That is a whole ‘nother part of my story….) It is hard to really have a stronger marriage when you are not open and honest with your husband.

I knew that we had to have help and I knew that I had to leave my job. And I was MAD! I was working on a research project with the hospital that I had started from the beginning of the project. I had nursed it for four years and the program was just beginning to be become a state mandated program. They begged me NOT to leave. I even did it from home for a while. I was MAD at the OM, but he was the Business Administrator for that department. He had been there longer than I had too. And he didn’t see ANY need for either of us to leave, so he wasn’t going anywhere. I was even MAD because he was sitting in that job instead of trying to get a promotion!!

One day when I could not handle it anymore...I remember laying on my bed after work one day. I was crying saying that I could not go back to work anymore. Nothing had happened out of the ordinary. I was just exhausted…living that double life can take it's toll on you.

First my husband said “well, let’s just pay this off and then you can quit”….I felt such despair and hopelessness….he was finally concerned enough to say “ok, I don’t know what we will do or what will happen, but just quit”. There were times I really didn’t want to.

Looking back now, I truly believe that quitting the job along with the extended counseling saved us!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by neverthought:
Now I don't know if my H has always been this caring and attentive and I just didn't notice it, or if he is feeling threatened and is trying to meet my EN. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">neverthought,
I have never posted to you before. But I have been following your story. You have been getting excellent advice here. Especially from Susan. Please listen to her.

Anyhow I quoted you because what you said made me think. In the above quote you say that you don't know if your husband has always been this attentive or maybe he is feeling threatened. And I thought, red flag, big time!!! He is probably sensing that something is wrong and he probably can't quite put his finger on it. I think he FEELS it. That's why he is being more attentive now.

I think at this point it would be in your best interest to tell him before he finds out on his own. And believe me...he WILL . Mine did for the same reasons that I am telling you now.

I was caught in a lie and believe me, it errodes trust, big time. So don't wait for that to happen.

My situation is very good right now. My marriage is recovering. But it would have NOT recovered had the affair not been exposed. I would have been in perpetual agony trying to get over it myself. It would have been impossible, and even if I had, I would have had this terrible guilt on my conscience for the rest of my life. It would have been terribly isolating, I think.

So my advice to you would be to quit trying to handle this on your own. You have a wonderful husband from the way it sounds. He loves you, and I really think he would stand by you in this. So please, TELL him!!

Take care, and I'm here lurking most of the time, so call on me anytime.
1step

P.S.
I also think that by telling your H, it would make some decisions easier to make. Like the one about your current work situation.

<small>[ July 25, 2002, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: 1stepatatime ]</small>

Yep, they DO find out. Someone was nice enough to even send my husband letters <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> to inform him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> (and I had already confessed!)

AND, to his office at that..so that they were opened by someone else. I could hardly hold my head up for a time.

<small>[ July 25, 2002, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

Susan,
I'm glad that you had already confessed by that time. But what an embarressment! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

No one told my H, he found some things in my purse and he started digging from there.

There really is no hiding. Makes you wonder how we could have been so stupid! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

1step

Susan and 1step - You both are so kind and your willingness to share your experiences is helping me tremendously.

Concerning the OM, if I did not have daily contact with him (if, for example, he had taken a job elsewhere), do you still feel that I couldn't handle this on my own? I really think I could, because as I said before, I'm not sure it is even HIM that I am missing, just the ego-stroking and interest from someone other than my husband. Along the same lines, why is it that even though I know I can stop all this craziness, I still feel jealous when he flirts with someone else - and he is a very big flirt. (Another problem/another story!)

Some posters have said that I am copping out when I say that I don't want to hurt my H, don't want him to have to worry everyday when I leave for work that I might be doing something behind his back. I am NOT, as was implied, trying to have my cake and eat it too. I am very hesitant about telling my H and ruining what we've shared over the past 16 years. I truly feel it best that he not know and that I make the decision to end the A once and for all.

As I said before, it is already feeling easier to do. He has nothing positive to offer me...he has a lot of issues that he will have to deal with at some point and an unhappy life that I am only now realizing that I can't help and am probably hurting more by continuing the A.

Sorry to ramble, it is just so ridiculous how I let this whole thing get started. I hate myself for what I've allowed to happen and am adamant that I will do everything in my power to make it up to my H. My OM has taken 7 months of my attention away from my H and he deserves better. I am going to work everyday to erase any doubts my H might be feeling. And if that means telling him at some point, I'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Susan, thanks for your help...

Could I ask a question here? Why do you really want to handle it on your own? Why are you opposed to counseling?

I think that pain and hurt can sometimes unleash a tiger within us. It is our way of defense. I didn't want to tell my husband because I was afraid and did not know if I could handle his pain and anger. I didn't want to mess with the tiger! (LOL...my husband is the most laid back, easy going guy you would ever meet...)

It seemed a whole lot easier to try and stop the affair and fix the marriage on my own....and don't stir that pot!

I would like to know the answer to my question, then I will try and continue.

Because if I go to a counselor by myself, he/she is going to tell me that I need to share it all with my husband, if I am going to heal. And if I tell my husband I think we should see a counselor, he is going to ask why and then I'll have to tell. I know, I know, that's the point, I should tell my husband and let him help me get through this. I just don't think he can/will - I think I'd be making things worse, not better.

Susan, this is scary - you are ME! My husband is also very laid back...but he would also NEVER do to me what I have done to him.

Yup, and it may SEEM worse for a while. But, sometimes that is the only way it can get better. Like a bad cut, filled with trash...when you clean it...it burns and stings like hell... but, if you leave all of the dirt in there, it could just become infected.

Some of the things you say...for instance...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure it is even HIM that I am missing, just the ego-stroking and interest from someone other than my husband. Along the same lines, why is it that even though I know I can stop all this craziness, I still feel jealous when he flirts with someone else - and he is a very big flirt. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't you want to know what it is about you? WHY you feel this way or what it is you are needing?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I hate myself for what I've allowed to happen and am adamant that I will do everything in my power to make it up to my H. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am going to work everyday to erase any doubts my H might be feeling. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A counselor can help you will all of this. It makes it so much easier with someone to give you a plan and help you dig deep within yourself and find YOU.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am NOT, as was implied, trying to have my cake and eat it too </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, I wasn't either. Matter of fact, I just could NOT live that double life. I wanted something to change. But, it was like an addiction for me.

When the PAIN of staying the same became so great, I had to change. I had to do something different.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband is also very laid back...but he would also NEVER do to me what I have done to him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is something you can never know for sure, but believe me HE COULD!

Supposing he did...would you want to know? and if he were to tell you would you want him to confess and tell you immediately and ask for your support....

Or would you rather know down the line....years later...after the fact? How do you think that would affect you?

How would you feel if he said he didn't tell because he didn't want to hurt you? When we had the affair we hurt them whether we wanted to or not. Wouldn't you want the truth from him so that you could make your OWN decisions about how you wanted to handle it?

I'm not trying to convice you to tell. It may not even be time for you to tell yet.

But, school is about to start....And I remember when I worked with OM. I HATED weekends. I could not bear the thought of Friday. I anxiously waited until Monday...could not wait to go to work so that I could see him. ugh...what a way of life to live...

Don't let this be you...don't waste your time and energy on this man. He is not worth it and you deserve a better, happier life.

The best marriages are based on good communication, being able to be open and honest. A counselor can teach you how to communicate and how to listen. Don't cheat yourself out of the best marriage you can possibly have and just settle for a "good" one.

neverthought,
We can not tell you what to do. It is totally up to you. But I can tell you from my experience, during my affair I thought the same things you did. I thought I could eventually move on without ever telling H. (Although that never happened.)

But deep down in my heart, I knew that even if my affair was never disclosed and I eventually got over OM. There would be a part of me that my H would never know about. And I knew that in the long run it would destroy any feelings of exclusivity in our relationship. I would have constant knowledge of being unfaithful to my H for the rest of my life. So, even though H found out on his own about my affair, I think I would have eventually told him.

As it stands, even when my affair was discovered by him, I still lied. I did not admit that my affair had gone physical. H was being so forgiving and wonderful, but I STILL had this secret. It was eating me alive. So 2 weeks later, I revealed everything about the affair.

It was painful and set us back in recovery but, you know what? H told me later that he was glad that I came "clean". It helped to restore trust believe it or not.

But that is just my story. I'll tell you one thing though. The minute my affair was exposed, it killed it, big time!

By not telling your H, you run the risk of him finding out on his own, or through someone else. It may not happen, but think about it.

Hope this helps,
1step

Never,
I think 1step nailed it on the head..once the A is exposed, it loses ground faster than if it wasn't exposed (or confessed in your case).

Been lurking here a long time. Wondering why exposing the affair causes it to die? Any thoughts on that are appreciated.
Shell

Well, for one thing, being exposed causes you to have greater stress if you try to continue it.

It forces a choice, and if you choose your marriage you are accountable for you time and actions. And THE TRUTH ALWAYS COMES TO LIGHT.

The stress of trying to continue the affair usually takes it's toll either on the affair or on the marriage. You end up having to LIE to somebody, be it you spouse or A partner.