My Husband of 26 Y of M revealed to me about two EMRs about 15 months back. Ever since our M is undergoing tremendous strain. I have a few questions to post here as I am unable to find the answers on my own.:-
1. My BS repeatedly claims to love me very dearly. But then how could he engage in short EMRs with two other OW when he was visiting away from home alone on official work. One of this started from six years after our M. Does he really love me?
2. He claims he has no contact with these OW and does not have their conntact address. I somehow do not believe this. He has to go out of town frequently and I always feel, he has not changed.
3. Since the past 15 months, when so ever I am alone, only scene that comes to my mind is about my Husband having SF with OW. I want to confront these OW and unable to track them. Is this desire wrong?
4. My husband claims he is a changed person and wants forgiveness. Somehow I can not accept this. Will it be wrong not to forgive him?
5. He also claims that these EMRs were ONS and without any emotional feelings. Though not with Professional SWorkers. How can one have sex without emotion?
I am new on this post and would appreciate comments.
Distressed

I'm confused about your questions. You said that he had 2 emotional affairs, or were they physical?
You also said that they were ONS's, were these sexual? I think that how you handle this depends on the physical status of the affairs.

If they were physical, did he use protection? Has he been tested for STD's and Aids? My brother died of Aids 12 years after a physical affair.

He says he has no contact with the OW? He goes out of town frequently? Do you have guidelines that you both agree upon for his out of town trips?

He says that he wants forgiveness and you don't know if you will give it. I don't believe that forgiveness is a "one time and it's done" act. For me, I had to decide if I wanted to continue in the marriage, if so then I had to decide to forgive one day at a time. It does not mean that there are not bad days, triggers, feelings of "how could he!". It means that I have decided to accept his apology and remorse and try to start rebuilding our marriage. It will never be the same, some things will actually be better because we both work on meeting each other's needs and not take each other for granted.

I have told this to others, I was diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago. The details of it were awful, the surgery to remove it was painful and the scars will remain forever. I don't go a day without being reminded of what happened, but I have to live with the reality that it did and go on.

Get the answers you need from your H. There is a topic on the board now about knowing the details. If you want to know, then you will not be able to move ahead he tells you what really happened. Then you decide... Peace to you

sorry double post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ July 23, 2002, 10:49 AM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]</small>

Hi Distressed. I am so sorry you are going through this. Let me see if I can help with some of your questions.

"1. My BS repeatedly claims to love me very dearly. But then how could he engage in short EMRs with two other OW when he was visiting away from home alone on official work. One of this started from six years after our M. Does he really love me?"

It is possible that he does really love you. I had an EA and PA for over a year, but I love my husband more than life. Sometimes people lose their way for one reason or another. Me, I think alot had to do with changes in life. I failed to see the end was still the same, it was just the road we were on was a little different. This scared me so I curled up in a corner of confusion and felt lost. Then I fell into the arms of another, which allowed me to escape the realities of life. Find out the why's of his affairs, and address them together. Once I learned how to embrace the changes I've come to see I never want to miss out on their glory again. Not to mention, it's even better to travel the road with my husband.

"2. He claims he has no contact with these OW and does not have their conntact address. I somehow do not believe this. He has to go out of town frequently and I always feel, he has not changed."

These feelings may last for some time. He has broken your trust and has no reason to expect you to just pick up and start trusting him all over now. Think of things that may help you get through his trips. Maybe a couple of calls each day (morning and before bed). Let him know that this would help you get through these rough times. Also, try to do things to help keep him thinking of you and your love for him. Put little notes in his underwear (I love you). Leave messages during the day at his room so he has them when he comes back. Etc. Let him know that you need him to understand the lack of trust and that you are tyring to allow him to rebuild that but you have to work TOGETHER. Believe in him a little, and let him know this. It goes a long way.

"3. Since the past 15 months, when so ever I am alone, only scene that comes to my mind is about my Husband having SF with OW. I want to confront these OW and unable to track them. Is this desire wrong?"

Actually the desire is quite normal. However, there is a chance it will only hurt you more. If they know about you they obviously don't care much (not many do), and the lack of feeling will only hurt you more. Also, if it truly was a ONS, they could care less about your DH let alone you. My husband had these images for a long time. They get fewer as time passes. He still gets some once in awhile, but we are doing great.

"4. My husband claims he is a changed person and wants forgiveness. Somehow I can not accept this. Will it be wrong not to forgive him? "

Be careful on confusing forgiving and forgetting. It is essential for rebuilding for you to be able to eventually forgive your husband. Many people talk about it as being a mistake. Well, it's by far the worst mistake I have ever made, and ever will. There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting, and you can forgive and not forget. It will take a long time, if ever, to really forget. It's ok not to forget. Make sure you are not exchanging the two.

"5. He also claims that these EMRs were ONS and without any emotional feelings. Though not with Professional SWorkers. How can one have sex without emotion?"

I don't have much of an explaination for this one. My affair was emotional as well. Sorry. I suppose it could be possible.

My dear, you have a long hard road ahead of you. You need to ask yourself if you love your husband and still want to be married to him. If you can answer yes to both, then I recommend you read, post, educate, and possible see a counselor. You are at the beginning of a very bumpy ride, but one that is well worth it. The people here are great, and we all know how you are feeling. Pay attention to what he says, but more so how he acts. Also, don't forget to acknowledge his efforts. Communication is a huge key. Let him know your feelings and ask him to work with you. Tell him you love him and (if appropriate) you appreciate all he is doing to try to make amends.

I hope this helps. Sorry about the length, I tend to get long winded. Take care. If there is anything else I can offer, just ask. My best to you.