Every day I come to work, I have such good intentions not to talk to my ex. We haven't seen each other in a week and I told him I can't begin something. He understands and respects my marriage "in theory." But we're both hurting still after seeing each other last week. My H is out of town and I am having serious difficulty resisting the e-mail at work.

Why do I feel the need to help him through this pain? I need to stop this but I don't feel strong about it right now.

Anyone who can offer something...ANYTHNG!! Thanks

You feel an obligation to him to help him get over you and move on with as little hurt as possible. I think it's almost normal for us to feel that way. However, keep in mind, he felt no obligation to you when he helped you to get involved in an EMA! You don't owe him anything. Don't respond to the e-mail, don't talk to him, stay away from him. He knows seeing him was hard on you, and he's just using that to his advantage. That's not showing you any respect. Keep reminding yourself of that. He is simply disrepecting you AGAIN, by using this to try to draw you in again. Don't do it. It's ok to feel weak. You are strong! You CAN do this! Even the strongest people feel weak sometimes.

Hope this helps. Good luck to you, and take care.

J-Bird

I know exactly how you feel, if you read my post "Aw Bleep!Look what I did now!" you will see I sometimes get into the same position.

It is hard, it is sad, but one cannot go around giving into every single weak moment we have.

You have to be strong, you are a grown up woman, within yourself there is enough power and strength to get past this and live a happy healthy lie-free life.

Right now, right here, it is up to you and only you to decide what you want to be.

You can give in to your weakness and be weak, you can fight and get through it and be a warrior.

I am younger than you are, I know for a fact I am farther away from my family and friends than you are. You can be with your inlaws! My inlaws are so far away and so sucked into their own drama they wouldn't even know I exist if it wasn't because they do like me.

J-Bird, I am not trying to lecture you or minimize your struggle. I am just saying... you have to get through this, one way or the other. You can get through this.

Your husband will be back soon. Is your love so flimsy it cannot stand this tets? Is your love so shallow? I don't think so, do you?

I know! I know! I know!

Thank you. Feeling like an abnormal freak ball of emotions is probably the worst part about all of this. I look out my car window at the next person and wonder, "Have you ever felt pain like this?" It feels like the answer is NEVER, but I know I am not unique in this situation.

Baby steps, I guess...

Alostwife, you are an angel.

I look out my car window at the next person and wonder, "Have you ever felt pain like this?"

If you were looking at me, the answer would be YES! Not advice to share...just to let you know I can relate and am stealing advice from your thread! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I look out my car window at the next person and wonder, "Have you ever felt pain like this?"

If you were looking at me, the answer would be YES! No advice to share...just to let you know I can relate and am stealing advice from your thread! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Neverthought,

I noticed your last line in your bio info says "struggling to do the right thing." No advice to you either, except to say that I completely appreciate that line. It is so hard to wrestle with the demons of temptation I have allowed in since last week.

Alostwife, yes, you're right, I do love my husband, and our marriage is stronger than that. But God how it hurts. It's a matter of mind over heart in moments like this, I guess. The shame sometimes taints the dignity and allows for thoughts I'd otherwise neglect.

I need my H!!!!!

J-Bird,

everytime you feel weak, write a love note to your H, everytime you feel sad, think of something wonderful that he did, or said. If you feel in despair think of the wonderful future your will have together, of the many years to come, travels, kids, pets, everything you will be able to manage and accomplish together.

J-Bird, you chose your husband over every other human being on this planet. And he chose YOU, over every woman on Earth. You know how many people are out there? It blows my mind to think of it, you know how many would give an arm and a leg to have the husband you have? Rejoice! Because you are loved and cherished.

Call your H when you feel sad. let him know you need him, that you miss him, don't you think he misses you too? I am sure he does, I am sure he longs holding you, kissing you, hearing your voice and seeing your face. Be patient, and remember:

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments; love is not love
which alters when it alterations finds
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O,no,it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, through rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his briefs hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved."

--William Shakespeare, sonnet 116.

Alostwife,

Absolutely beautiful. I have it hanging at my desk. I need to let myself believe that with time these temptations will pass and the pain will heal. I am looking forward to this weekend with my H, but VERY scared to tell him all.

Not even sure how or where to begin...

J-Bird,

Honesty is part of love, you need to trust your husband. Think of it, wouldn't you want to know if he was in the same situation? Wouldn't you want to know he felt so alone that he could get to that point?

The moment you identifie your weakness and share it with your husband, the moment it becomes something clear, and easier to solve. Don't go through this alone J-Bird. You have a husband that loves you, his love will not deminish if he really loves you, he will try to help and be there for you.

I realize that this isn't a scientific experiment, but how DO I begin? Do I sit him down and tell him I need to talk? Do I start off by just telling him the story of when I first saw Chad? Or do I express what I have already concluded in this last week? (the fact that my lonliness is allowing me to question an otherwise beautiful marriage)

I don't want to cause defensiveness or anger right off the bat. If I would just answer my own damn thoughts, I'd realize that Eric is NOT like that. God I am so scared of where this is going...

Never in a million years did I think I'd be facing this conversation.

How about:

"My love, we have been appart for a while, I miss you, I need you, and I feel lonely without you. All this time on my own is making me feel ackward, I bumped by accident with this old flame, and it put me in a funk. I felt confused there, even wanting to rekindle old feelings. I decided it was a bad bad idea, because I love you, I need you, you are my husband. I cut all contact and told him not to contact me, I went online and found a support group pro-marriage. I have been doing a lot of thinking, I was tempted not to tell you about this whole ordeal, overall because I was scared you'd stop loving me if I did, but I decided our love was stronger than that, I decided it was fair you knew, because I realized I need your help, I need to hear from you when you are not here, I need to know you miss me too, and that you feel lonely without me too. I love you my husband."

Oh, Alostwife, you pour the tears down my face!!!
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I would love to know how you became so wise for your (our!) short 22 years.

I think I may be beating this thing to death. Maybe when I get there (to my H's apt) the words will come to me like that.

Scared Scared Scared!!!!!!

But thank you for your help...is there such thing as getting cyber-coffee? J/K I feel like I could talk to you for years. You totally capture my feelings and emotions in your words...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, I have had good times and very bad stinky awful times on my life. Some of the worse moments have nearly been obliterated from my memmories because they are so traumatic and so early on my life my brain really couldn't handle them at all.

I have learnt that life is short, and precious. One day you are here and the other you are worm food, no reasons why, no explanations.

I refuse to stay stuck in misery, pain and indecision, I want to live, and be as happy as I can, hold my husband as much as possible, tell him I love him as many times I can every day.

For that one needs to know what one wants, how one wants it, when, where and how much. I was lucky enough to figure all this very early in life, and so I have learnt how to live.

It still won't stop others from getting on my way or doing bad choices. But it allows me to help them get on with their lifes so i can too.

Makes any sense?

Alostwife:

How'd you become so wise, well-spoken, and kind in only 22 years?

Yup!

I am sorry you had to endure such horrendous experiences this far in your life. But trust me that your experiences have created a beautiful person who is going to leave many a lasting impression in her lifetime.

Thank you! I will let you know how this weekend goes!

(Fingers crossed)

J-bird

Well... I am not sure, I have come to the conclution that it all is a compilation of bad and good experiences... you see...

I was abused as a kid by family members in every way possible. I was quiet and I guess too cute for my own good.
At age 5 my kindergarten was obliterated in an Earthquake, so was half my city, I survived just out of pure chance. Spent many evenings getting to grasp the fact that a lot of people had died in just a couple of seconds, people I knew and loved disappeared forever, all that was left were pieces scattered below tons of concrete and twisted metal that I had to hop around to get to my house, which by some miracle kept standing up.

I moved away from my country with my family, a whole new country at age 7. I was an outcast for a while, made a couple of good friends, had to fight my way in and out of school everyday, but still I managed to be happy, I was loved and had true friends that still remain my very best friends more than 13 years later. I knew bliss, I knew problems, I knew solutions...

I knew how it was to be heartbroken and what it was to break hearts, I knew true love, I married, I suffered, I cried, I paniced, I wanted to die.

It is a lot of things... also I read a lot, I think so far I have read around 2000 books, I read anything, from fiction to fact, going through psychology and science.

I like to understand people, their inner workings, I was studying antropology untill I could manage to study my true calling, arts.

I think that summarizes it.

<small>[ July 23, 2002, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: Alostwife ]</small>

Sure - just a quick summary! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Wow - that really puts into perspective the daily nuances of my life. So simple, so innocent thus far. I admire you. But I think I've already conveyed that message!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Are you still in another country? Is it English speaking?

No, I moved to the US when I started living with my H. English is just a secondary language for me. My writting skills are still not as good as they are in my native tongue, but I keep trying.

J-Bird, i know you can get through this, I know because you already demostrated a lot of love and intelligence by stopping all contact with this Chad guy. Don't worry, all relationships have their bumps, sometimes little bumps makes us appreciate our partner better. I mean, I know everytime I don't see my husband for long I just cant stop holding him and kissing him when i get to see him again, neither does he!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hang in there!