We have some debt...,more than I ever had while growing up or when on my own. I hate to have debt. My husband put us there. He has spent more than we made since we got married. I can't take it. He keeps buying himself toys. Big ticket toys. Does this behavior go hand in hand with having an affair? He believes that as long as he can earn the money, he can spend it. We are able to carry the debt, But I cannot make him see that we would have so much more money if he would stop this and catch up. I gave up my job a year ago, and now he feels that he has more of a right to spend since he earns. I do not want to LB, because the toys keep him happy and buying increased after the OW, this seems to help him thru, but I just don't know how to make him understand. Any other WS also big spenders?

Be really careful,

My H did the same thing to us. He kept saying "Don't worry...by next year we will be ok". Well, he retired, went to the airlines, spent two years living it up in hotels.

Then he left us. Our bills are incredible. All those years when he said that all I did was worry about our finances...well, I was right.

I have creditors calling me every day. He was layed off from the airlines. He hasn't been working for 5 months. I make my measly little teacher's salary. Won't cover the bills. This is not fun at all.

He hasn't paid the house payments, taxes, credit card bills--all of which the court said he must keep current. Unfortunately, the credit was issued in both of our names.

We have sold our retirement home...that will pay off most of it---but not all. This is a nightmare.

Get you name off the credit cards. Inform them that you will no longer be responsible for his charges. You will have to do this in writing.

To protect yourself and your credit...get an account in your own name and keep the payments up. Because my H canceled all of our accounts when trying to refinance our houses last spring, I no longer have any credit and I can't get it because of our current bad credit rating. It is a big mess. Hope you work on this soon. Don't wait like I did. I never dreamt he would do this to us. Pat

New Jersey,

I can relate. Read my current post still on page 1 (I think) of "Emotional Needs" Forum...I got some good advice from some folks, too. My H has spent 11 yrs. of our M going after the toys and concealing debts. It damages my trust in him. The latest $20K blow I learned about last week was yet another big step backwards for us, or--atleast--as far as my trusting/learning to love him again--is concerned (I got out of an EA 6 mo.'s ago).

My thoughts are with you, sister!

new jersey,
my H is also a big spender...big ticket items too...cars, bikes, boats etc. I knew this about him when we married, so we have always had 3 accts, his/hers/ours. I do all the bills we have in common so i at least always know that the mortgage is getting paid, etc.

what gets me is that late last year, i made the mistake of refinancing the house and taking out equity to payoff some of his debt. now that he is wanting to leave, we cannot sell the house without taking a loss. he wants to just walk away from it...which means i end up not only paying for the mortgage but also the equity loan we used to pay off his car and truck. I will be making his car payments for him!!

when i explained this to him...he agreed it was unfair...he has said he will try to help me out and pay for at least his half of the equity loan. i am not counting on it...esp. after finding credit card recpts for womens running shoes/clothing in size 4 for 150$. I am not a size 4 and last time I check my 6'4" 250 lb H is not either.

i should probably be angry that he is now getting us into more debt by spending money on OW...but right now I cant even muster the energy for it.

my advice is to apply for your own credit card asap and start establishing credit in your own name. if he is open to discussion on money perhaps go over the budget for what your fixed expenses are to maintain your house, pay minimum credit pmts, etc and ask that he deposit that amount into a special "house acct" every paycheck (some companies will do this for you...mine allows us to split up our paycheck into up to 5 different accts). maybe that will help him see he is putting you both in jeopardy of financial crash.

just a thought...good luck

Thank you all for the advice. My hunch is that big spending goes with the likelyhood of having an A. I remember something about this from a psyh class in college many, many years ago. Something about manic/depressives too. I have made the mistake of adding myself to his accounts so that I could try to manage the debt. Some of the debt has been transfered to my name. I can see that I am getting myself into some trouble here. I can't make this man understand!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

You know I don't want to jump in here but I just wanted to say to "Where is my Lloyd Dobler" what a great name and a great movie and we should all be so lucky to find someone like him sometime in our life...

maw64,
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> glad the 80's culture reference wasnt lost on you. Since high school, my best friend and i have had a ritual when one of us gets our heart broken...rent Say Anything, pig out on chips and guacamole and cheap wine, and lament about never being able to find a guy like Lloyd.

For a long time I thought I had actually found mine...but that is totally off subject.

New Jersey,
I think you are right about the correlation of spending and As. I know with my H he always seems to look for fufillment in life by 'having' things. Perhaps the next logical step was looking for fufilment (sp?) with another women. I admit I wasnt meeting his ENs and have been thinking that is the only reason why he has strayed...but your question is making me ponder if it isnt also something in his pysch makeup that makes him keep 'searching' for something he cant find from within.

I understand how stressful it is to deal with marital issues in addition to financial ones...wishing you the best!

My WH is also a big spender. I knew he was in debt when we got married 5 years ago (all I had were student loans).

Anyway, with that said, I think you were on target with the psychology class. When people have a "hole" in their life, they make it up other ways. Spending money (that you don't have) on "toys" is an addiction, just like drugs or alcohol. It is a temporary "fix" to problems.

Also, how was your WS raised, did he come from a wealthy family? "Receiving Gifts" is one of the "Five Love Languages" (written by Gary Chapman). My WH is an only child, only grandchild and has been "spoiled" all of his life. He associates gifts with love from his family. Also, he knows if it ever got out of control, his family would be there to bail him out. I, on the other hand, feel a need to be more independent.

I am in the same boat as you, I grew up with a family of no debt, no, we didn't have much, but we did not owe any either. It's very stressful to owe money, especially if you are the one doing the finances. Its very difficult to explain to them also, because they just don't get it!! This led to nagging on my part, I admit. And arguing over finances can be a huge LB.

Are you and your WS still living together, or are you separated. We are separated, each have our own checking accounts and credit cards. If he was to file bankruptcy, and you were associated with the same accounts, it can affect you to.