I am at a place that I really don't want to be. My WH and I have been trying to put things back together for a couple of months now. Every time we move forward, we fall down. I need to know how to do this. The mistakes seem to come from me. We will begin to talk and I will make the mistake of thinking that my WH is receptive to discussing the A. We even put a time-limit on our discussion, because he dislikes "non-ending" conversations. The talk will be civil and calm, but at the end of it I feel that he withdraws and rejects me. It doesn't matter what I do then, we can't get back to where we were. We spend all night with our backs to eachother and by morning I am exhausted and so despondent. He goes off to work and I am left wondering if he will contact OW again or if he will make plans to leave. My insecurity is a major issue, but we don't know how to help it. I ask him questions to try to quell my feelings of rejection and insecurity, but the answers often make me feel worse. I feel manipulated as he tells me hurtful things which I try to take on board, but if I am honest about my feelings, he rejects me.
We agree on one thing - every time things are going well, I go into "self destruct" mode. I pick a fight - ask for more reassurance - try to talk about the A. We say that we want to try to save our marriage, but more than anything, I want the love back. He says that he is not "in love" with me. I don't know if I can ever get that back. The lonliness and pain of it is eating away at me and I just want to rest for a while. I am not strong anymore.
I look at him and see glimses of the man I loved with all my heart - I know that I want to be with him. The problem is that he knows it too and therefore is secure in the knowledge that I won't just throw my hands up. That's not to say that I haven't thought about it ...
Please help me. Give me some direction. Give me some hope. Thank you for listening.
Fishwife
