MC session mostly a blow out. Wife doesn't believe I've forgiven her, I believe she believes she won't have contact with others. She says she had a "epifany"...I'm still PTS (post trauma) and trying hard to install MB compensation guidlines. I guess anger is showing on my face, not in my heart though. Her guilt triggers depression, thoughts of suicide (ploy?), and a wanting to get away. This is VERY hard. I want to work on us and she wants to cry. Distance created. Trying hard.
Thanks for listening MB books should arrive today. TERRY

<small>[ July 25, 2002, 07:52 AM: Message edited by: bourbons ]</small>

Terry,

It sounds to me like she is more concerned about facing the consequences of her actions than anything else. It will take alot of time to forgive her and that is largely contingent upon her behavior. It's pretty hard to forgive someone unless they show remorse and CHANGE THEIR WAYS. And I don't think she is so much concerned about forgiveness, but rather avoiding facing the consequences of her actions. She wants you to just forget about it so SHE can move on. Right?

Heck, she was just sleeping with some creep from work last week. It will take alot of time and work on her part to PROVE herself to you again so you can even begin to feel safe with her, much less trust her.

She needs to understand that she cannot be treated like a trustworthy person because she is not and to not expect the benefits that a trustworthy person enjoys. Don't let her manipulate you into a position where you let your guard down. She needs to be working overtime to prove herself to you, Terry.

bourbons,

I know you think that you have forgiven her, but it may be that you have not. Search your soul here. Have you gotten to a point where you truly have absolutely no negative reaction to your wife when you think of ALL aspects of the affair.

Additionally, I do believe forgiveness is not a single event, but a continuous ongoing ordeal (and that is O.K. because it is natural). Vivid memories or images or words our WW's say may be spark feelings in you such as anger, feelings of betrayal, or any other negative feelings. This means that you need to get on your hands and knees again before God and ask for help again in forgiving. (if that is what you do) You have to let it all go all over again. Sooner or later you get better and better at this as time fades the memories and you get closer to a permament forgiveness.

Just my opinion.

Time to forgive, and the time to accept forgiveness as reality. Because consequences of her actions are her willful and truthful pursuit of work..ie MB track, seeking answers to her "stuff" and open communication w/me. I'll wait for that to be the proof that she is sincere, remorseful, and changed.
Thanks Terry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi Terry,
I remeber that I found out about my husband's affair 3 days before we were to go on a family vacation to the coast. My H ended the A , and our counselor said for us to go on planned trip with the other family we had planned it with. I remeber standing on the beach....feeling disoriented in life, and my best friend telling me how my H had said to her, "so, how is my W doing really? I'm worried about her..."My best friend said she's fine considering just 72 hours ago you had a girlfriend!!!!! Your post sparked that memory.

That was 14 months ago, and things are much better now with patience, MB, and supportive family and friends. It's unbelievable how much your brain has to process right now, and I think every recovery has it's own timeline. Hang in there and be kind to yourself.

It is LBing to say that an honest admission of suicide is a ploy for attention. Esp. when the WS has a documented on paper history of depression and anxiety that spans 10 years minimum. Just a thought...Amanda

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bourbons:
<strong>It is LBing to say that an honest admission of suicide is a ploy for attention. Esp. when the WS has a documented on paper history of depression and anxiety that spans 10 years minimum. Just a thought...Amanda</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How should that statement be viewed? The WS in my life has bipolar disorders in his family. 1 bro diagnosed schitzoprehenic and did commit suicide. The Ws also talked about it and made a call that lead me to call 911, that lead the police to find the Ws in a motel (M6 - incident) then I had to deal with an angry WS who said that when he called to tell me he knew how to end it all he did not mean his life. ....then I had to deal with an angry OW for messing up her evening. Let's see, he called me. and I messed up OWs evening?

So I do ask this question in sincerity since that above happened.

L.