Last week,after D's b-day, you may recall that I mentioned to H that I would like to minimize our contact since he seemed so sure that it's not me he needed to see. In my heart, I know he was getting too comfortable with the situation. In any case, since that time, I have attempted to distance myself.

I emailed him with activities for the week politely asking about his plans with D for the week. He doesn't reply to my email until this morning. I indicated that I had dinner plans with friends for this Saturday. Well, he has a rowing regatta on Saturday which would make him unavailable until 1:00 or 2:00. Dinner is at my house at 4:30. He misunderstood that I didn't want D with me for dinner (somehow). In any case, very rude email shot back..."when are you going to answer my question...is D with me or you on Saturday night?"

Does distance do this? The anger just seeths through his words...

Yes, absolutely.

He wants his cake and to eat it too. When you set boundries that really tweeks him off. GOOD FOR YOU! Those boundries are there for YOU!

He needs to grow up :-(

Sounds like you are in need of a good 'Plan B', right? This is difficult because you have to get along for the sake of your daughter, but you do not deserve to be treated badly because he misunderstood. Perhaps it is time to establish a visitation schedule that is not deviated from in order to minimize conversations between the two of you. (A serious move, but he will get the point that you do not intend to be ridiculed any longer.) Also, do you both have a friend that has somehow kept a neutral position and could provide a place for WH to pick up daughter for her visits, so that you don't even have to see him.

You have to protect yourself. This small bit of exposure between you two must be enough for him, he can't miss you if he sees you regularly. Cut him off, you need the break and he needs to learn how to be civil to the mother of his child.

Terri, My Dear --
This I know must seem like a never ending night mair -- So Sorry, you have to go through this-- <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
You seem somewhat motivated to keep this saga alive - you definatley have lots of patience & hope --
I pray that you will find peace & soon!

I am sorry, did you have a formal plan B kind of letter -- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I really think you need to call his bluff -- file for D! When does his pen pal get back into the country? I believe he is holding you at bay & not even being diplimatic about until then -- I don't think he is all that confinced this OW is the answer or perhaps she is not sure about him --I mean I am guessing here, just trying to objective -- They obviously do not have permanent plans or he would follow through with his threats that it is over -- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
It just occured to me that I have not heard you say that he tells you he wants a divorce - just that your relationship is over - does he have this idea that you remained married -- kind of locking you (morally) out of options, while he continues to do his thing -- not morally bound to M and acting as if he is single.
Terri, ... what is wrong with this picture? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Has any of the Dobson book made sense or can you see any application of what he descusses to your situation.
I know you are only wanting to do what is best & I am guessing you have strong moral values that may be telling you that you should not D - ?
It seems you are much stronger now -- please continue to focus on what is best for you & your D!
Going out with friends (or whatever) sounds terrific! I am guessing that may have set off a trigger for him that he is lossing control! I agree that he acts like the proverbial "CakeMan" -- I say you should continue along this same path--Boundaries -- more independence! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Maybe you don't get a divorce, but life as if D - I know people do that kind of thing as well -- Of course, there may come a time when you want to see another guy -- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Hope you continue to cope as you have!
HUGS
HH

I personally think your H is confused. I agree very much with tere38. Do you have a friend where your H can pick-up your daughter.?
Him not seeing you will really confuse him. It will surely get him thinking and even if it might be a difficult thing to do I'm sure it will really get him thinking.

No matter what you decide to do, be sure to take best care of yourself. Do as much as you can for yourself, for your looks and get as busy an you can.
Doing the best for your looks might really get him confused, if he does happen to see you sometime.

Even though my situation was quite different from yours, it really got my H thinking when I was doing all sorts of things for myself. Not that I ever neglected myself, no, I was just bringing out even better sides of me.

But as I said our situation was different and my H didn't move out.

I wish you all the strength in the world.

hugs
BB

IMHO,
In their brains: They are angry because you have made their lives miserable. If you weren't in their life...life would be WONDERFUL!!! As it is now, they have to talk to you and coordinate schedules with you and you are just like having a mom. They feel like an adolescent child who wants to leave home.

But as you distance yourself (Plan B is another option)...they realize, hey she is NOT in my life and I'm STILL miserable. Maybe BS is NOT the problem after all! Afterall, BS is happy content, whats the deal???!!!! This is also why having a schedule with D is a good idea - then there is no reason to communicate because it is already set and agreed on.

Terri, I know it hurts, I'm sorry your here. But it is typical textbook WS behavior. I know that doesn't ease your pain though.

Thanks for your replies.

Hi Hope, Validating is exactly what I need. I'm losing sight of what is typical WS behaviour.

Hi Tere, I'd like to be able to put this in place but he gets so angry and tyrannical...however, I think that I do need someone's help to execute a better Plan B. Just don't know who it can be...

Hi HH, You're absolutely right. It is my never ending nightmare. Thank-you for your prayers and concern! I didn't have a formal Plan B letter. I am working on one with Lexxxy. His OW lives in Yugoslavia (Serbian) and I don't know of any plans for her to come here in the near future. However, I know very little.

HH, I don't want to divorce yet. I do believe I have to act as if I am. You're right. And he has not acted on any of this threats YET.

Thanks again for your sweet support.

Hi Blond, I am starting slowly to feel motivated to buy things for myself again. I agree. I do have to care about myself and not focus on him at all. Thank-you for your wishes of strength. I need them.

Hi ILUV, You're absolutely on the mark! I am the reason behind his unhappiness. "If only I would get out of the way..." And now, I am slowly moving in another direction. Just hard for ME not to look back but I realize that's what I must do.

I used to be very sorry that I had to be here but I've met some incredible people who have helped me to grow as a person. Take the good from the bad and turn it into something better...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Take the good from the bad and turn it into something better... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds good to hear you say that!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Terrified

i can relate - as most of us can.
Its a hard spot to be in during these times and I bet he just thinks youre going thru another phase. Anyhow, stick to your plans. Dont even think about D at the moment, perhaps too much to handle and a bit scary.

Thinking of you

Dancer

HI, Terri, just wondering how things are going for you this morning. I am very erratic on-line this week, but I should have some extra time tomorrow afternoon if you need to vent or just to chat. I should be here in GQII, one of my favorite forums.

Your husband's behavior is pretty understandable (as much as possible, anyway), considering that OW lives so far away. If she were more local, I bet you would have alot less trouble keeping him in control. Oh well, if he had stayed faithful none of this would be happening so let's not feel too sorry for him!

If you haven't ordered SAA, please do so asap. It is well worth the price, and it really lays out the Harleys' plan to get your life in order. I suggest you read anything you can on this site about Plan B, it is where you should be at this point. Do not let him ridicule you, he can't treat you with such disrespect. Confronting him will be difficult, maybe allow an attorney to mediate for you. I know it doesn't seem possible at this point, but the more time you can spend away from him, the better you will feel. Also, he will begin to miss you, it might save your marriage in the long run. You both have to be in the right place for this to work out, and you can't be in that place until he can treat you kindly. Remember, this is not your fault.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

tere

T,
Do you need a stress reliever? Ok, howz this one?

E-mail response:

Well WS, you can come over and not pick up D. Make sure when you pick up D you leave your anger parked down the street.

Re: Continued bouts will result in certain reports filed in very important buildings.

It may be helpful if you share these angry feelings of yours with your OW. After all she is the one you seem to share so much other stuff.

By the way, when you pick up D, please put on a smile. Through all this misery, it would help me if I knew that someone was happy with all this misery. Our D and I sure are not happy but if you can just show that smile when you show up, keep it on until you drop of D and leave, it would sure make the OW happy. Then my personal misery will be minimized.

Doesn't that put a smile on your face <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

XOXOXOXO,
your loving T.

Howz that for BS sarcasim? Oh the part about someone being happy for all my misery? I acutally told my WS that. Caused major LB between Ws and OP with that piece that stuck in his head. LOL!!!

L.