I wasn’t too surprised to find out my H was having an affair, but I still feel so betrayed. We’ve been together for 14 years and married for 6. We have 2 kids. We’ve been having problems for awhile I admit that I can be very jealous and possessive. Sometimes I say things I don’t mean, when I’m angry. About 4 months ago I told H our marriage was over. I was angry over an e-mail he sent to a co-worker. I don’t like it when he uses endearments when talking to other females. It really bothers me. Well, in this e-mail, he was calling her “dear” and “boo”. I know it’s not all that serious and I don’t understand why I get so jealous, but I do. He knows this. Anyway, I was so mad that I told him I wouldn’t get over it and told him I was tired of our marriage, I couldn’t trust him, and it was over. I didn’t mean it. I was just so mad. In the past, he would always apologize and try to reassure me of his love. I guess that’s what I wanted. I wanted him to “chase” after me and make me feel wanted. He didn’t. When I told him it was over, he said that this time would be different because he was done running after me. I didn’t take him seriously. I know I could have done better. I could have handled this whole situation differently, but I let my anger get the best of me. H started sleeping on the couch and I held onto my anger with a death grip. Two weeks ago I found out H has been having an affair for the last couple of months with our neighbor. She lives a few doors down, is a single mom with 3 kids. Why did he pick her? I look at her and I feel inferior. She’s not a raving beauty, but she’s pretty. She’s outgoing, loves to joke around, very independent and has a very strong backbone. She’s this pretty, petite little thing that can make a giant cower in her presence. She has what I guess you would call charisma. H knew I was envious of her. She’s everything I’m not. I feel frumpy next to her and he knows it. I had suspected that he was seeing someone because he had become so indifferent. My suspicions were confirmed one morning when I woke up at around 2 AM and went downstairs for something. H was not on the couch where he should be. I thought it was strange but didn’t get too upset, yet. I sat down to wait for him. Hours went by and no H. Finally, around 6 AM, while I was loading my things into the car to leave, I look over and seen H leaving this neighbor’s house. I was so upset. I threw my box in the car and ran back in the house. Apparently H felt the need to go back to HER house and warn her because it took him awhile to walk through the door. That was one of the worst days of my life! H and I fought all morning. He kept throwing it in my face that I had said our marriage was over and he was free to move on with his life. He had a thing for this neighbor for awhile, but never pursued anything with her until I called it quits. He says he loves her. That hurt. To top it off, my kids even like her. When I left, I took them with me. They fought me the whole way. They would prefer to stay with their dad, in their home, in their school, with their friends. Incidentally, my son and her oldest son are best friends. My kids spent a lot of time at her house. It just burns me up to think of my H and my kids getting all cozy together with HER. I feel like I’m being replaced. My daughter, a very outspoken 9 year old, is very close to her dad, and says she has no problem with dad dating this neighbor. She reminded me that I was the one that said it was over with her dad and that I had no right to get mad at him for finding someone else. She said that OW was a very nice lady. Ouch! If she only knew how much that hurt. I may have acted rashly, but I never imagined that this could be the outcome. I didn’t really want my marriage over. I was just so angry. Now I’ve lost my H and feel like I’m losing my kids as well. H has filed for divorce and wants physical custody of the kids….and they want to go with him!!!!!! And then, to add insult to injury, my own step-father served me with the court summons. He VOLUNTEERED! I don’t even know how to fight this. H has a good chance of getting primary custody. I was already told by an attorney that trying to use adultery as fault in a custody battle, would not do me any good unless I could prove that OW was a negligent, irresponsible mother that could potentially cause harm to my kids. How the heck do I do that? The reason I envied her so much was because I thought she was a very together lady. That was before I found out she was screwing my H. How do I get through this?

<small>[ July 24, 2002, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: Betrayed By All ]</small>

first, this is the most devastating experience, to think your husband loves someone else. My husband told me the same thing, and until this day i can't believe how you can love someone one day and another the next day. you need to ask yourself, do you want to save your marriage, if so, read about plan a and plan B. my H has been living with OW for 9 months now, and i live with my parents with our daughter. sometimes things feel helpless, and i feel like he will never come to his senses.

anyway, for custody, i think you have to prove more that your are a good mother, and the primary care taker, as who takes the kids for dr. visits, school things, etc. my daughter is a breastfed child, so i have a better chance, and he hasn't sent any money since march for her care, my mother watches her while I work. the attorney says i will most likely have her.

sorry i posted before i was done.

also, there is alot of information here, and many books, i would recommend, "his needs, her needs", surviving an affair, private lies, these are good books, to understand what is going on.

I am so sorry for your pain. I found out about my WW having an affair around 4 months ago. She claimed that she was in love and he was her soul mate. I stayed around until finally she decided it would not work with him and it had nothing to do with me. Now she has no feelings for me and would prefer for me to go.

Many of us here share similiar feelings to you and do similiar things that you have done. Fortunately, regardless of how remote a chance that all of your situation will work out, there are still great chances you can save your marriage if you desire. If all you want to do is to get custody of your children, I am afraid you came to the wrong place. I am sure you want more than that though.

It is a tough journey to ease all the pain he caused you and you caused him. Take some time to read all that is on the MB site. Learn about what Plan A is and start there. Your wayward husband (WH) needs to see the good in you now after so long you have shut him out. Show him that you still want your marriage to work and you want him back (if that is what you want). Do not demand or beg but show him with your actions. Let go of your anger for him and for everyone helping him. This anger and you acting on it is causing you additional misfortunes. You have enough to deal with what hand was dealt let alone you stacking the deck against yourself.

Please keep posting and listen to the good advice that comes out of all of this. Start reading other peoples stories and learn what they did right and what they did wrong and the outcomes of their actions.

Remember that you can take control of your life again instead of letting life control you and reacting to what life is dishing out instead of thinking and responding. I am sure things will turn in your favor provided you make some drastic changes in your own behavior.

I dont know what state you live in , but you need to go back to your home with the children for now, courts may see that as you abandoning the family.. so go back home.
Obviously this was going on for a while, he didnt just hear you say you were done and fall in love ten min later..
Unless you are a bad mother, chances are slim he would get custody, althought it does happen, very rarely and untill children are at least 11 or 12 they dont have much say so...
kids dont understand these things very well and are repeating what has been told by them... unfortunate that any one would see a ned to do this.
kids love their parents even the ones that screw up.. it is as God intended.
How ever you can make things easier, by going back home to your home with the children, if he feels the need to leave, then let him leave, do not give up your home.
Even if you have to sell the house and split it, most courts will make you wait till the children are grown.
You need to start plan A . READ every thing you can and start working on it. At the moment you have a responsibility to take care of you... so counseling would be a good thing to start with.

Fear of losing your children of course will cause you to panic, but you need to slow down and rething every thing through and start getting help and a lawyer would not hurt.

BBA,

Sorry you are here, glad you came. I am a betrayed spouse BS and can understand your shock and anger and depression. Your anger is normal, you should let it pass as much as possilbe, for you and for your kids sake, they don't need to see ranting and raving and loss of control, it will only push them further away... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Try not to let hate consume you. I saw here where someone said, Resentment is like taking poision and waiting for the other person to die.

It seems this was a final action of something that may have been going on for years. Your telling him it was over was the execuse he needed not to try to work things out. I know you don't want to hear that, what I'm saying is that this was already beyond your control long before it happened..

Kids can be so honest, so listsen to them and make an effort to understand them. Don't try to educate them or convince them, just listen....

For some great help, start by reading more of this site, The Basic Concepts By Dr Harley.
It will help.

Now for some tuff thinking. It takes two of you to create the situation for an affair. Only one makes the decision to actually do it, but both of you create the environment. What was your part, your husband's part? Please remember in the world that "they all who betrayed you" belong to, you are there to! As a part of the same world.

Read the basic concepts first and the information about fullfilling a person's needs, then revisit thinking about what created the environment for the A. This is not to analyze or dwell on the past, but to discover what changes are needed to build a married future.

You have some time to think, and I sense there is a lot to think about.

Sorry for what happened, this forum and MB site can help.

DRS

It took this happening to wake me up and realize that I need to stop playing this &#8220;game&#8221; with H. I do love him and I do want my marriage. I just don&#8217;t know how to get it back. He says that she is so suited to him and him to her. He wonders what would have happened if he had met her 14 years ago, instead of me. They both love to laugh and are such people persons. I&#8217;m a lot more quiet and shy. They both hang out with the other neighbors a lot. They just sit outside in someone&#8217;s front yard and yack well into the night. I want to go home, but am so humiliated. All the neighbors know. I&#8217;ve left him 3 times in the last couple of months and an attorney said that could hurt me. Unfortunately, if we do end up going to divorce court, he does stand a good chance of getting primary custody, as I already stated. He does almost everything with the kids. I was content to just sit back and let him. I realize, now, that I should have taken a much more active part in my marriage and the caring of my children. I never realized it could come back and bite me in the butt this way. I allowed myself to believe that this arrangement was ok. The one thing I can&#8217;t get out of my head is the thought of him being intimate with her. I told H last night that I wanted to come over with the kids. They miss the dog and would like to sleep in their beds. H said that he couldn&#8217;t stop me from coming, but that he knew I had ulterior motives and would not be there if I came. He said he was tired of the fighting and would not do it anymore. God, have I been that bad? Everyday the kids tell me they want to go home. Everyday they let me know that they want to be with their dad and that is what they will tell the judge. My son is 12 and my daughter is 9. I don&#8217;t want them there without me. WE are a family! H, me, and the kids! I can&#8217;t even stand the thought of them running down to her house when they get there, which I know they do. H plays with her kids as if they were his own. I picture him and her with all the kids, acting like one big happy family, and it just tears me to pieces.

<small>[ July 24, 2002, 01:46 PM: Message edited by: Betrayed By All ]</small>