Hi all,

This is very serious. Your help please....

Background. WW and I live with the ILs (house is big enough we can do that) and we get along great.
In fact, they consider me their son. They are both 88, he is weaker than she, not any health problems, just old age.
He may definately be gone in a few more years. They know nothing about the WW's A.

Sixty days ago WW and I decided to give up the M and separate. but we are still in the house, why? the IL

We both feel to tell them would so break their hearts they, at least FIL, after getting very angry and moving out, (strong Mexican Catholics) would just want to stop living, would just give up.
I know, dying of a broken heart? That's the explaination the doctors gave for my Mom's passing 30 someodd days after my Dad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So, the A continues with the cake eating and me not brave enought to tell the ILs why their "son" is going to live somewhere else.
The last time we spoke I told her I was not going to live with this "in my face" watching her be in love with someone else. She of course got upset and was crying, said she was thinking about her parents. Well, of course she was not thinking of her parents last tuesday nite when she spent 3 hours at his place....

A plan B, some decisive action, is needed. WW knows this but is not moving to break it off. I will have to do it and enter the destruction of the family stage.

WW is on vacation with the S and DIL. I'm packing up and getting an apt. When she returns, she returns to a Plan B letter.
So now I got to thinking. A different option. Instead of my leaving and not be able to spend the last years with my FIL because of it ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> this thought really p****d me off) Why not tell the OM what is happening here in the home front. I don't think WW has even told him we have decided to part?

I'm thinking about sending OM an email with pictures of the IL, tell all about whats happening at home, and say I wanted him to see the people whose hearts they (WW and he) are breaking.

What thoughts are there... ??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Om may be leaving town tommorrow Thurs, or Fri. to join her after she leaves of the kids in San Fran. and starts her drive back to Tucson. So the effort needs to be soon..

Thanks in advance for all your input.

I'm in tears again, one thing my new "dad" taught me is that it is ok for men to cry.

Doug
DRS

Just saw the post on the board and want to add,

"This is very serious, your help please"

I know, everyone's challenge here is serious, especially to them, I don't mean to put myself above anyone else or imply the board doesn't take this seriously,,,, just feeling a sense of urgency....

The happy face after the sentence about my mom and dad should of course, be a sad face.

I will be off to work soon and can't post untill around 11:30 CST forum time.....

Thanks again

DRS

So sorry for your pain.

Do you honestly think the OM cares a fig about anyone but himself right now? I doubt it. OM will see this as you're trying to manipulate him ... I just don't think this will do any good at all.

What do you hope to accomplish? Let your answer to this question be as specific as possible.

Are you in counseling? Have you tried MB counseling?

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pepper,

My thought was that perhaps if he knew what was really happening to innocent people he would stop it.

Your absoluetly right, OM doesn't care a pa'tute about me....but the rest of the family...also no! Would he care about WW enough to stop the pain her parents would go thru...?? Would HE break it off for this reason? That's what I was thinking.

Maybe I'm grabbing for straws to avoid telingl the IL.

No, no counseling other than reading the forum here. WW would not participate, little wonder why.....I want to start IC but......

I'm thinking more and more that Plan B must happen.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thanks

Doug
DRS

Doug,
I would agree, the OM won't care at all who is being hurt, affairs are SELFISH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I would not bother to try to appeal to his sense of decency... I would agree that moving out is probably your best plan, and go into plan B. This is your IL's house after all.

Your W knows how old her parents are and how much this would hurt them, it's so sad that you are the one who is concerned about their pain and not their own daughter.

I think that you will have to sit down with the IL's and tell them why you are moving out. If they see you as a son, you must explain this. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through, it's OK to cry, REAL men do!

Prayers to you, ladysing

Ladysing,

thanks. It is our house, ILs stay with us..... I don't think my emotions are misplaced thinking about them, by now, almost 2 years, my LB is so low I'm getting to just not care. Then I remembered I wouldn't be here to enjoy the last few years with them and it made me mad...

Maybe a little well directed anger would be good about now.

Pepper, I'm using the email form to sign up for counseling with Steve....

Thanks, well off to work for sure now ( running a liiiiitle late...)

Doug
DRS

Hi,

My opinion is this: she is the one having the affair, they are her parents, so she should do the telling. I held with this for my own stbx, and of course he did nothing of the sort, but then he is in another country, so it was easier to hide the facts.

You guys are in the same house, and they will have to be told. I would suggest to her that if she cannot bear to hurt her parents, that she needs to give up her OM.

Love and light,

Jacky

Doug,
I am so sorry, I misunderstood that you lived in the IL's house. I also did not word my sentence correctly, I didn't mean that it's sad that you are worried about the IL's and not worried about their D, I meant that it's sad that THEIR OWN D is not as worried about them as you are.

Your concern is not misplaced but to be commended. But back to the IL's. Someone is going to have to tell them and it ought to be your W. Is she willing to do this? If not, then if you are going to move out, you must talk to them yourself.

As you stated, this will be very hard on them, but it is not your fault that your W made the choice to break your marriage vows. You will not be the cause of their pain. You can be supportive and explain to them how much they mean to you and how sorry you are that this has happened to all of you.

Just a few thoughts, and certainly wanted to clear up the misunderstanding. Peace to you!

I think its worth the effort to try to end the A.

I would suggest copying your wife on anything that you send to him. Chances are she's lying to both of you, and she'll be exposed to him. Good chance for the LB'ing to start in their relationship.

I guess what I would do is put both of them on warning that the truth will come out in time. You're giving them one chance to end things before it comes to the point of telling the ILs.

But if it doesn't work -- take this load off your shoulders. Its not your actions that will hurt the ILs -- its your wifes. And I would not protect her any longer.

Let her know that when the time comes for you to leave, it will be with her parents having full knowledge of WHY you're leaving.

I agree with Lexxxy's insight about the fact that it is your WW's actions what will make the IL's unhappy.

DesertReStart, I know what you mean about strong Mexican catholics, because I was born in a family full of em lol. BUT if your inlaws really do love you believe me they will understand.

Let me tell you about my experience - maybe it will help. My WH's family and OW live in another country. WH knew OW growing up, so when I found out about OW, I called WH's sister to find out what I could about her. WH's sister does not know OW, but told FIL about OW. FIL will not speak to WH now. When I asked OW whether it bothered her to know that she was the reason the FIL won't speak to WH and that if WH and I separate and she and WH continue their relationship, WH's family will not have anything to do with her. Her response was (this is a direct quote), "Thanks to you he (FIL) won't speak to him (WH)and I really don't care what they think of me or whether they have anything to do with me." Nice, huh?

Brit's Brat/BS-41
WH-43
DS-9 months
Currently in recovery????? (I think so, but after 7 DDays, not really sure)

Well, thank you for all the support and good thoughts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pepper: Called this morn and made an appt with SH for monday Aug 5. WW gets back sometime between tommorrow and next thurs the 1st ( she said she didn't know when for sure)

Nina Too: I agree, she should tell them. At this stage of the game I can only wonder how close to the truth her explaination would be. I would think she would "soften" the facts to make it eaiser for them and protect herself. From the last she and I spoke together I know she knows she will need to give up OM or parents will learn all. I told her something has to happen, and no matter how or what someone will be hurt. Since then its been fence sitting, no action on her part, just enjoying my non-action as giving her more time to continue.

Ladysing: the way it was first said who owned the house could have been taken either way. And it is sad I'm thinking more of the ILs than she really is....a fog thing? Sad but true. thanks for your reassurance of it not being my fault, I know this, but it really helps to hear it

Lexxy: Your very right, protecting the IL IS protecting WW at the same time. I no longer care about protecting WW. It has come to be a weight on the shoulders, and the biggest reason I'm still here, maybe like staying ing the house for the 'kids' sake

AlostWife: I think the ILs will understand my actions, at the same time the FIL may disown his D and move away......as you may have experienced the mexican male macho culture, does this sound far fetched??

Sending the OM pictures of the people being hurt might make in more personal. I would not expect him to care ( he's been divorced three times, HMMMM justs now the word predator comes to mind) but if it started LBing between them..... It would stir up the pot...and
WW would of course blame me, and if she came home would she really be at home and willing to rebuild? The IL would see this strife,

I'm begining to think I should stay wholesome and not play games, but at the same time I think it is past time for some tuff love. But what kind...???

I have heard this, 1) try to break off the A by contacting the OM, if it blows up start Plan b. 2) Start a plan B with a notice to WW that it is comming. Expecting WW to stop A to protect parents, stop A with NC letter and willingness to follow MB recovery 3) Start Plan B and tell ILs myself what is happening.

Much to think about. When Plan B starts ILs will know what is happening, hopefully from the both of us at the same time (dreaming am I ?), from her, or most likely, from me.

I really, really thank everyone for the advice and especially the kind words
The rollercoaster has smoothed out a bit... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Doug
DRS

Dese,

Well I can imagine that happening actually! lol My father was very caught up on the same dynamo sometimes and we had to smack him to make him turn back to 21st century mode.

Her dad loves her, so appart from an initial blow up I don't think there will be much more. If he threatens to disown her you can always step forward and try to let them understand it is something in between you and your wife. He should respect this due to the same machismo principle. You don't step over other male's territory, it makes him look bad, you see?

Your WW needs to understand that she cannot have her cake and eat it too. Maybe some preparation with your IL's would help. Sit with them and explain that you don't want them to go ballistic, be upfront with them and they'll surely appreciate it.

Makes any sense?

Stay strong (((((((hugs))))))))
I am not sure that comfronting the OM with how he is hurting people would help. Most OP's really wouldn't give a ratbutt for anybody else's feelings, they really don't stop to even think about it or care about it.

If you do comfront him do it without expectations, maybe it will help, maybe it will do nothing.

Hi Doug,
I remember feeling and acting just like you...in a logical manner. The OW was the receptionist at my H's business and the boss is one of our dearest family friends. The OW had 2 little babies at home and was married. I confronted her and her response reflected the true piece of trash that she is. She did not care...not about her job, her H, her babies, my family, my 3 kids, nothing. Don't bother speaking logically about being a moral human being to someone in a total fog. I hope for you that as the harsh realities set in for your wife, she emerges out of the fog and into recovery. Debra

Hi,

Alostwife: I have experienced what you are talking about the other man's territory in discussions with FIL on other topics. I learned to recognize when to decide if I wanted to be right or stay friends....did I really want to step over or not....mostly not, it was seldom worth it.

You said "Maybe some preparation with your IL's would help. Sit with them and explain that you don't want them to go ballistic, be upfront with them and they'll surely appreciate it."

Makes perfect sense. Have pre thought ( is that another word for daydreamed??) about the disclosure, and know that I will ask them, tell them, that what they must do now is show their D a lot of love. If I can let any anger blow by, and then ASK them to be loving and patient as something I will do and want them to do also...I think they will.

Debra: thanks for sharing the experience. I can understand the OP cares little....but its one of those things people don't really get till it happens to them, see it first hand as you did. OR they ( in this case me) pay attention to, and learns from, the experiences of others. I GOT IT!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The OM is not worthy of my energy to wish him ill...

Well, tonite I'm boxing up some of my stuff, books, papers, the stuff in the computer desk etc, getting ready to go. I will move it all to a storage place near here, it will be gone from the house when she returns. Also, today I went apt. hunting, what an eye opener.....prices, sizes (going from a 2000sf house to 700sf is a shock in itself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ) I'm planing to lease one on a month to month (still hopeful I am) basis.

I've decided to wait till WW returns from the trip, so that I'm here when she arrives, that way it won't be a "leave her in a lurch" sort of thing. I can also hand her the Plan b letter instead of just putting it on the table. I'm not going to talk to the ILs while she is gone either. I think doing this part of it while she's gone would be a "stab in the back" sort of thing...

This post has taken most of an hour, but most of it just thinking about what everyone is saying.....not just typing...

thanks

DRS