I am currently reading a book called " How People Grow....What the Bible reveals about Personal Growth." In the book they discuss how character change can change ones life.

When my wife discovered my affairs I didn't consider it pure joy when my life became a world of trials. I actually thought I was going to die or at least felt that way because of all the saddness of what I had done to my wife and kids.

In the book it says:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What really dies when we truelly examine ourselves after a trial is the old character pattern. It is Gods design for these to die. As a result we are resurrected into a new life, one that truly is "life of God". When we get rid and put to death the old character patterns we become alive for the first time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I read that, it hit me so hard because when I decided that I wasn't the person I thought I was and began to really examine my character flaws, I was rudely awakened. When I joined my sexaholics anonymous group is when I really started getting rid of my most serious character pattern. I had already begun correcting some others when I began getting involved in church again but it is when I self examined myself with my group that I was set free.

In the book it also says:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When we decide to pick up our cross and follow Jesus, we have "learned obedience from what we suffered" (Heb 5:8) As we went through the death experience of things we have lost and the character patterns that needed to die, we found life like we have never known it before. By suffering and being obedient to the suffering of growth and character change, we experience salvation from our sin. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My whole point is this. WS have to examine themselves and identify the character flaws within themselves before a marriage can be recovered. Sometimes it takes a long time to either find or admit we have something wrong with our character but until we do we will never experience the marriage or the life that God has planned for us. Some may say the BS has to do this also but I think for the most part the WS is the one who has to do the self examination.

If I could let my wife know one thing it would be that I am very sorry for the pain I have caused you and I have had a true character change and I will always be examining myself to see other character flaws. Sorry I put you through this pain to discover my lack of character. I LOVE YOU

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ July 24, 2002, 11:48 PM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

CAJunky, that was beautiful. I believe that God has a plan for all of his. When we go against his will, he speaks to our hearts, however its up to us to listen, I'm glad you did.

I have that book, I haven't had a chance to read it yet. I have also picked up Boundaries, Boundaries in Marriage, and Changes that Heal. All by Cloud & Townsend.

Some churches offer support groups that go through the Cloud & Townsend topics, a friend of mine is part of one at her church, maybe you could try to find one??

Do you have any advice to offer us BS's that we can help our WS's reach the point you are at?
What was the turning point in your life?

I honestly think the turning point was when I had hit the bottom like so many addicts do and decide something is trueely wrong with me. When I lost the woman who I would die for. When I lost the privalege of being with my family. When I finally came to MB and read the post of all the hurting people and realized the hell I had put my wife through. When I came to grips with who I really was and decided to change the bad things about me so I wouldn't have to see my wife and kids go through this again. When I lost total respect and trust from my wife, kids, mom and dad, and my in-laws who I love very much.

I can't give any advice for the BS but I can tell the WS one thing. WAKE UP>>>YOU HAVE SOMETHING GREAT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

I am praying for all my fellow MBers that all our marriages will be restored.

Love in Christ

cajunky

<small>[ July 25, 2002, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

I just read something else in my book that I had to share because it is part of the growth I have experienced.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is truly amazing to see what happens in people's lives when they shift from seeing the right way as something they "should" do to seeing it as the only way they will have life.

1. They see honesty not just as a virtue, but as the only way they will have intimacy.

2. They see facing pain and suffering not as something that their counselor wants them to endure, but as the only way out of a depression or an addiction.

3. They see confession and ownership of their faults not as something humiliating and guilt inducing, but as the way to grow and reach goals.

4. They see listening to feedback and correction, not as someone telling them they are bad, but as receiving a gift that is going to bring life.

5. They see living a life of sexual purity not as something they should do to avoid God's being mad at them, but as the only way to find satisfying love.

6. They see forgiveness of others not as a law, but as a path to freedom and reconciliation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow....I am thanking God he has shown me these things over the last few months. God is so great when we seek him out and try to live for him.

Love in Christ
cajunky

Going....Would you recommend all the books you listed. I really love these guys perspective on things.

Hey there!!

I have read pieces and parts of them and I definitely love them. (I have so many books to read, my goal is to stick with one and finish it, I have a habit of going to the half price bookstore and buying all the books I want to read, start reading, picking up another one, etc!!) Right now, I am trying to read the Harley books all the way straight through!!
Have you went to their website yet, they have alot of really good information up there, too!!

I have another book, too, have not yet started reading it yet. It's called "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. My church pastor did a series on Marriage and referred to it alot so I bought it. I believe just the name of your post "Changing of ones character can lead to a better marriage" is what this book is all about!!

Table of Contents:
1. The Greatest Challenge in the World: A Call to Holiness More Than Happiness

2. Finding God in Marriage: Marital Analogies Teach Us Truths About God

3. Learning to Love: How Marriage Teaches Us to Love

4. Holy Honor: Marriage Teaches Us to Respect Others

5. The Soul's Embrace: Good Marriage Can Foster Good Prayer

6. The Cleansing of Marriage: How Marriage Exposes Our Sin

7. Sacred History: Building the Spiritual Discipline of Perseverance

8. Sacred Struggle: Embracing Difficulty in Order to Build Character

9. Falling Forward: Marriage Teaches Us to Forgive

10. Make Me a Servant: Marriage Can Build in Us a Servant's Heart

11. Sexual Saints: Marital Sexuality Can Provide Spiritual Insights and Character Development

12. Sacred Presence: How Marriage Can Make Us More Aware of God's Presence

13. Sacred Mission: Marriage Can Develop Our Spiritual Calling, Mission, and Purpose

I'll get around to it someday!!!

I just wanted to tell you, your wife is one lucky woman. Yes,you made a mistake. We all do. In God's eyes, though, a sin is a sin. But it has definitely changed things for the better. I know this sounds really crazy, but I think my situation has given me so much personal growth. I know that if I keep my faith in God, I will get through this!!

You are a success story in yourself. God has blessed you and your marriage

Thanks Going...you made my nite. God has really blessed me in the last few months and I thank him everyday for it. The ultimate blessing will be when I am in my wifes arms again on a daily basis. I look so forward to being home when she comes home tired and just talking to her about her day or just taking care of her needs.

Love in Christ
cajunky

I noticed in your profile that your divorce is pending, is that still the case?? Is your wife having a hard time accepting you back? If so, has she visited this site??

Dear cajunky,
Thanks so much for posting this. I am having a hard time right now with my anger - in MB terms, I know my attitude right now stinks - I am just sick of trying and it feels so one-sided.

I am trying to see some kind of positive change in my H but mostly what I see is him just trying to go on with our family life without ever having to talk to me about any of this. But he is in individual counselling and all he has been able to say to me is "the problem is me, and I am trying to deal with my problems". Nothing more. He is nice to me sometimes and very grouchy at others - really important things about him have not changed - he is still guarding his privacy with the cellphone and e-mail - still puts most of his money in his own bank account - still keeps cash locked in his drawer which I am not supposed to know about - still not taking responsibility for his actions - still trying to blame me for "provoking" his explosions.

When I read your post, as I have so many other WS who seem to have "gotten it", I always find myself saying "if only my H would...etc, if only my H were...etc" - this in itself seems to me to be a sign that I ought to take the advice given above, which you quoted, and apply it to myself - is it wrong, in other words, to wish your WS would be different, or is the fact that I wish he were different a sign that I still have loads of work to do on my own attitude? I am tired and confused.

I am a Christian and so is my husband - I am lost and not sure what I am supposed to be learning from all this suffering.

LIR

Cajunky,

It is so nice to hear about your continued spiritual growth! I pray that God will reward you with a restored marriage. I would love it if my H came to understand and correct his character flaws in the same way that you have. Really we all have areas we need to improve. I will have to get that book, and put it on my growing list of books to read. Thanks for the inspiration! God bless.

O.K.....I was on the way to bed then I decided to just look at MB before I got tucked in. I am glad i looked..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Going...yes my divorce is still pending. God has really blessed me with this. She is having a real hard time accepting me back because the other times I really didn't get it. With Gods help she will see how my character has changed and we will be a family again. Yes, she is the one who introduced me to this site before the last D-day. It was before I really examined myself so I was just one of those WS that thought it would work out on its own so I didn't really read the stuff here or if I did it was half hearted.

Lady...does your husband come to MB. I didn't realize what I had truelly done to my wife or the real hurt I had caused her until I came here and read and studied the post from the BS. You can suggest it to him but until he decides for himself that he wants to really find things out and find out what it will take to recover your marriage I am afraid he will remain the same as he is. He has got to understand the emotions you are feeling and how you don't trust him. The only way for this to happen is for him to be willing to accept criticism as a way to grow. I don't think it is wrong to wish your husband to be different but he is at least committed to going to counseling but I do wish he would talk about things with you. Communication is the thing that makes a marriage work. The book I mentioned would be great for you and husband because it deals a lot with how we should grow from our suffering. It is written by two christian counselors and they put God in front of everything.

Hindering...thanks for the encouragement. The book is excellent. I am going to give it to my sunday school teacher to read while he is in florida.

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ July 27, 2002, 08:26 AM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>