I've been pretty isolated for a long time because of illness in the family (I am caring for someone terminally ill, plus someone who is alcoholic, mentally ill and suicidal).

When H's EA happened, it caused me to isolate more. It is so embarrasing that I just cant talk to any friends about it. There are a few people who do know or suspect but I have told no one the whole story. It feels very disloyal to him to tell people that dont know yet.

Basically you could say we are separated as he has been out of state working for 6 mo. so he and I have resolved absolutely nothing.

How did you handle having someone to talk to about this besides MB? Did you confide in your friends or keep it to yourself? ALL of our friends are mutual and I dont want to embarrass or annoy him by blabbing this around town. Besides that, he has confided in some of our women friends over the years that he is unhappy with me and has told a couple of people that we would probably be getting a divorce. What happens is he talks to people about US, then I hear about it from them months or years later that he said these things. He doesnt even tell ME any of this!
If I go to these people NOW I dont think they will feel comfortable talking with me.

I just cant get over how much shame I feel over this, like I want to hide forever so no one can see the pain in my eyes or ask me how H is doing.
Ashamed that he thinks so little of me.

I KNOW the real scoop, his A is not about me, OW is not about me. That does not change this urge to hide myself and keep secrets.

I know I'm rambling, just nobody to talk to.

Replaced

P.S. It feels like when people look at me they can see inside and they know what he did to me. I cant put my finger on a word to describe this yet but I will eventally. Part of the problem is that he has done this before so it makes it harder now. NOBODY knows about the priors.

I was already a basket case from the EXTREMELY shocking not to mention frightening and sometimes embarrassing behavior of the alcoholic family members (2). The behavior of H was the final blow.

Replaced,

I know exactly how you feel. I have pretty much told NO-ONE. A very select few people have been told. I haven't even told my one and only best friend about this (that lives near me.) I recently, 2 weeks ago, explained what happened to me (W's A) and what I did (physically abused her after finding out about A) to a few friends from "back home". It took me almost 8 months to tell my best buddies from high school that I still keep in contact with. I'm not sure if I told them to let them know or if I am trying to help them so they can prevent it from happening to them. I hope they never have to go through this. It probably took so long because of having this stuck in my head for the longest time, "I couldn't satisfy my W". It finally got to the point where I felt helping them was greater than what I would think they would think.

wwl

Hello Replaced, I do not have the wisdom of many veterans on this board but I can tell you from my experience that I too, felt extreme shame in the beginning. I stopped accepting social invitations. I wanted to speak to no one. I changed my patterns and stopped shopping in the city. I ventured to a nearby community to do my grocery shopping. I stopped answering the phone. I felt like a failure. I felt like people were judging me. I felt the pity. I felt naked in a way because my problems were now "out there". I lost my privacy.

We were considered one of the most "together and happy" couples around. It was a shock to me and and a blow to the rest of the world. I didn't want to hear about their shock. I was dealing with my own.

Sound close to what you're feeling?

I decided to tell only a few people about the A and I've stuck to that. Personally, I don't think everyone has to know. It devalues me, somehow. Crazy.

In any case, sometime around the end of June, I started missing my old haunts. So, I've finally started running errands locally again. And I've even accepted some social invitations. My friends have offered some incredible support.

It takes time to build inner strength. It's happening more slowly for me (as my MB friends can tell you) but at least, it's HAPPENING.

With inner strength comes the confidence that you need to walk out with you head held high.

It will happen. MB will lead you.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

I understand your feelings, I felt the same. I did nothing to be ashamed of but I felt like hiding. I wanted to lock myself away from the world. I believe I went into a state of depression over it all. It took encouragement from a close friend and loads of encouragement from myself to get me to realize I had no reason to hide.

I told my sister about it but her advice was get over it and move on. That didn't help me, it actually made me mad. I finally opened up to a very close friend and once I did I found out the same had happened to her. Talking to someone who has been through it is what I discovered I needed. She helped me a lot. MB and my best friend has me where I am today. Without them I would still be locked away from the world.

It sounds like you have a great deal of stress on you. From the family members you care for and the A you are covered up. Slowly drowning in it all. You need to break out.

Good Luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Replaced,

I to agree with a lot that Terrified said. I also hated, I mean absolutely hate going to town for anything. I even had my W deposit my paycheck for me. This went on for at least 3 months before I would go to the bank. Now, 8 months later I finally will go grocery shopping in town here. Other than that, I go an hour away for anything else.

To add to that, I had phone # changed and even some of my closer aquaintances dont have my phone #. I did that so I wouldn't have to talk to them and know in the back of my mind that they "want to know more, and if they could help". Yah, you can help, put that motherf'in OM 6 ft under. (OOOooh, I guess that was a liitle uncalled for <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

Even peopole that think they know, I haven't told its true. Hell, they actually DID know before I did. I sometimes feel like I am leading a double life, one that is hurt by the A to the one's that know and the other, the one that appears to be an [censored] towards his W still and nothing is wrong or nothing happened.

It is possible to, in todays trend, that you keep it to yourself because other people have a tendency to "judge". I know in my case that people would think that W is a 2-timin-b!tch and a wh0re. But what they wouldn't take into consideration would be the fact of her sexual abuse and how that created so many problems as to have the A. They just wouldn't care about that part. They would have their mind set on the one thing, W had an A and what I did was justified. WRONG <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

In my case also, maybe I keep it to myself because of not only feeling ashamed for what W did, but what I did also. Maybe I dont want other people to know what I am capable off. I guess I am protecting myself and image to others. That could be a bigger possibilty now that I really think about it. And they of course wouldn't understand IC statement, "Temporary Insanity" or the fact that I "blacked out" and dont remember doing it. (Wish I did, I would be able to answer W's questions.)

Boy, now I have a lot to think about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Maybe, also, I told the "friends" from back home about it because they are not directly in contact with me and if they do judge, I wouldn't have to look them in the face.

I regret SOME of it... but I basically told the WHOLE world...

I didn't take out an ad in a newspaper, pay for a roadside billboard or put it on the 11:00 news... but friends, family, coworkers.... they all found out.

HE told his own family... thank goodness... but I told my family...

I even called OWs H and told him what I had discovered...

The support that I got was AMAZING and wonderful. Additionally, though they were TREMENDOUSLY angry w/ my H... no one advised me to leave him.... and MOST were concerned for his well-being. The A was so OUT of character and EVERYONE said so.

Now... they are so proud of US for weathering the storm and as H is now working hard to make amends w/ me and really have a solid marriage and be a GREAT H, they are so very proud of him.

Don't isolate yourselves too much. The support here at MB and of my friends and coworkers was SOOO necessary to my recovery.

Cali