I am so sad today. WH was so withdrawn yesterday. He is so unhappy. Today is our 21st wedding anniversary. I feel like all is lost even though WH has made many attempts to make me happy, he will not tell me if A is completely over or not.

Of course I think this is all me. He dislikes me and is withdrawn from me. OW in court yesterday to fight for kids. Her BS is fighting her on everything. Maybe he is with drawn from how he has wrecked her life? Only time will tell but I am loosing my fight and spunk. I guess I know I will be fine either way so what's the use. I don't want a roommate. I want a husband.

Your last statement is exactly the right statement. You want to be wined and dined. It is no fun, when you have to ask for EN being met. I know was there, been there, now moving on. It hurts more, when you are told by your STBX - WH that yes, he could wine and dine the OW, but not you.

Forget about the anniversay, it is not about the wedding day, it is about EN not being met. My EN were not being met for so many years. I was a doormat to my WH - all these years. I am the organizer of this family, and now he is living in his own place, taking care of the bills, (yeah right), things are a mess. Bills are not getting paid, he looks like a slob, walking around in shirts torn, and his personal hygiene still hasn't changed.

I don't have to worry about any of his days now, birthday, etc. I want a husband, not a dictator, not a controlling, manipulative person. We all deserve to be treated like decent humans, not like old rags that you throw out and get a new one.

Forget about dates, look at yourself now, and work on yourself. I am, moving forward and throwing dates out of my head. What counts is knowing that I am a good human being, and I am moving forward, and leaving this all behind to be covered with dust.

One statement in your post says it all:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he will not tell me if A is completely over or not </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I couldn't let him hang around if the A is not over. Either he's sorry he did it and wants to make things right or he's still involved. If he's still involved, he's not worth sharing an anniversary with.

Smiles to you!! Keep your head up.

I told myself that I would hang on for 6 months. If there was no real change I would make a move. Today the sadness I feel is reason enough to go for plan B. He couldn't possible love me and inflict such purposeful hurt.

I have my letter allready to go. I just want to make it through the day. I am trying to look at this day as a positive union for our children. I wouldn't have them without our marriage.

He just called me to go to lunch. I'll be back later.

I think you are right about Plan B. Give the day its just deserve, and sometime soon Plan B to preserve whatever feelings you have left.

The day gets more and more emotional. I went to lunch. We had polite conversation and talked about the kids. He is still very hard on my son who has confronted him about the A and all the lies. My WH can't handle it so he projects his feelings about himself onto my son. The girls although the have had some issues with him are basically what keeps him ticking so to speak.

After lunch I kissed him on the cheek and thanked him for lunch. I went to get in my car and he had left flowers for me. I of course was overcome and started to cry. He grabbed me and held me tight not saying a word but began to cry himself. I told him it was so thoughtful and he quietly walked away saying he would see me tonight.

This is so hard. I have not given him my card or gift. I had pictures made of the kids and him for his desk at work. I hope I did the right thing.

Of course you did the right thing. It sounds like a thoughtful and loving Plan A gift.

And if you are truly preparing for Plan B -- then its perfect for you to do so after good Plan A moments.

And just my 2 cents -- if the A was over, wouldn't he be falling over himself to tell you so? Wouldn't he be doing all he could to convince you of it? Its not.

And if there is pressure on the OW's side, then its exactly the right time to exit into Plan B -- especially because she will have a really hard time meeting all the needs you will no longer be meeting. All the more pressure on their relationship.

It seems like the time is right.
And Plan B is neccessary. (this is coming from a WS!) Don't underestimate the power of a good Plan B.

RNR;

Although I can't really add much to comfort you, I did want to chime in and say that I FULLY sympathize, and feel your pain and frustration.

I discovered my W's A 4 days before our 20th Anniversary last year (8/26/01), and a few weeks later I made the personal committment to NOT go through my 21st Anniv. in the same state.

Well, it's coming up soon (8/30), and I'm going to be close, because it's pretty likely I'll pass this anniv in Plan B. But, hope springs eternal!

The emotional turmoil continued the rest of the night. My daughter gave us a card that I will paraphrase...Thanks for setting an example of what love and marriage should be... To which she added...I know you will make the right decission.
My youngest daughter told me that she knew we would work it out because "God told me in my dreams that Dad has a sick heart but deep down he loves you. Give it time MOM!" And then my son went out because he can't take the "fakeness of it all." Boy am I glad it is over! Last year at this time I was on a cruise celebrating my 20th anniversary with a WH that was actively in an A. And people wonder why I an on the edge <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I have to muster up the courage to end this double life for my kids sake. As much as I tell them it is not their concern, they are involved and him staying gives the false hope. I don't know if the A is over but I do know that it has cooled and my WH has been very open about his whereabouts checking in and the like. But why if he is trying does our marriage not improve. It is a pleasant arrangement with no emotional connection. I really do think he loves me but is it a comfortable love that one has for a best friend? I don't know. The longer it goes the more confused I get. I thought everything would be clearer and it's not. Am I the guilty one because I am falling out of love with him? I thought for sure if he did not want me and our marriage he would be gone by now. He still protests I am the one he wants and he needs time. Time for me has been the enemy. He is not abusive at all or degrading in words. His nonattentiveness is the emotional abuse I feel. I feel unwanted and alone. We have not mentioned the A or OW in over a month. Is it time to discuss it?

I have to get out of this funk <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> I will be ok I know it but I need some sign.