I always was big on dreams, my brains seems to like turning every day life into poetic prose while I sleep. Sometimes it likes to speculate about the next day and it is accurate on it.

Today I am not sure why, but it gave me some relief, and kind of summarized everything that went on in my life through my H's A, withdrawal and part of recovery.

I was back in Europe, it was winter, cold and snowy outside. My H was talking about something I had done wrong, he started to get mad and it scalated with him telling me I deserved to die for some crime I hadn't commited, that he had commited.

I looked at him in tears, not believing what I was hearing. He didn't look like my H, but I knew he was him, just he wasn't himself.

I tried to reason, asked what had I done wrong, he refused to tell me, I asked what was wrong, he said nothing. I asked if he had something to tell me, he said no. By then he was dragging me out of the house by my arm, continuing to tell me what an awful woman I was. It all was my own fault for being so blind and foolish, for believing on him.

I was confused, crying and scared. I knew he really was up to letting me die for something he had done.

We reached a popular spot in the city, where some authority had made arrangements to hang me. I was cold, shaking, and terribly sad. Nobody was talking, they knew it was not my crime, they knew what he had done, but nobody wanted to tell me. They looked embarrassed and sad, but they wouldn't help me.

They put the rope around my neck and made me stand over a box. My hands were tied, I was soaking due to the snow, the cold was terrible, my tears hot on my cheeks. My husband screaming all kinds of accusations at me, so many I can't even remember. Telling me over and over it was all my fault for believing in him, that I was stupid and blind. Then he kind of smiled and walked away.

Just as he did another man came running towards me, pushed me off the box in a way in which the rope would slip off my neck. He helped me up and somehow I knew I could trust him enough to accept his help and run.

My husband realized this and told the authorities to persue us. He was very very mad, but was laughing at the same time, as if he knew we couldn't get away. I cried, and held on to the man that rescued me. He hid me away and we could sit and talk. He was another part of my husband. He was nice, sweet and warm. He was brave and knew that I needed help and was in despair, so he had come to help me scape.

He held me and I cried, I felt so very safe, he was so good and just... wonderful.

He didn't let me enjoy this much, he looked into my eyes and told me my other husband was going to pop in anytime now. He told me what it was that he was accusing me for, things on his past, things so terrible that he didn't want or couldn't deal with. Things he wanted me to pay for, because he felt so guilty and was so cowardly that he couldn't figure out any other way to get rid of them.

I cried, and said I wanted to stay with him, that I felt safe and home when he was around me, I felt warm and loved. He answered I couldn't, that he was part of my husband, but I had only made him greater on my mind to be able to love the jerk my husband had become.

He was partly real, but not real enough to keep me safe forever.

He then explained there was another part of my husband out there, waiting for me. He was balanced, he was not perfect, and as heroic or romantic, but he was not a monster, and would never allow any harm to come to me as much as he humanly could prevent it.

By then the Jerk, had found us. He started laughing at me, asking how I could even think I could get away from him, throwing all the photos of my memmories with my husband to my face, making me look at them and making comments as: "And here, I was thinking of OW, while you were thinking I was thinking of you, HAHA!"

I wanted to cry so badly, but still the Wonderful husband kept holding me. He couldn't make the jerk go away, and I understood that I had to walk away from them both and find the real husband to stop the nightmare.

While the Jerk kept on going I looked at my wonderful husband again. "You will be alright, you will be happy, and wonderful things will happen to you" He said.

I was scared, but I was tired, so I left. And found my husband, just as he looks now, with flaws, but loving. Scared, but determined to make me happy.

It was a good dream, and somehow I feel as if a big weight was taken off my shoulders.

Funny how my brain entertains the time sometimes...

<small>[ July 25, 2002, 03:28 PM: Message edited by: Alostwife ]</small>

Oh, wow....what a gift you got to have such a clear and profound dream. Awesome.

Lori

Indeed it was great.

The problem now is that my xWH had a dream at the same time that has stir up some bad feelings on me.

He told me at lunch that he had dreamt we were in some kind of funfair, standing by and looking around. He was holding a video camera and was recording things as if he was a reporter, (very far from what he really does for a living). A woman came over to him and said something between the lines of: "You are the only one that can help me"

I looked at him and told him not to go, that this woman was "trying to get him to sleep with her". He said he doubted so, she got the video camera and he followed her even though I insisted he didn't.

By the time they reached her house she declared that she always knew he was the "love of her life", to which my xWH replied that she didn't even know him. She claimed to know everything there was to know about him, looked into some kind of device and said "You like engineering" (my husband is an engineer alright, but he never really liked it). He knew she didn't know anything about him so to prove it he asked her what his favourite color was. She answered wrong, but continued to claim she knew him better than anybody else.

He looked around for the camera, which was gone, and decided to leave, at which point the woman got mad and vindictive and the dream changed to nonsense.

I told him that the only thing that made me mad was the fact that even on his dreams he keeps on forgetting to listen to me.

He had this kind of dreams before d-day, and they all ended up with him having sex with the strangers that kept on comming onto him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> What bothers me is that he would tell me about them, but only half of them, he'd say he had declined such advances and put a pretty sentence in there such as "I have a wonderful wife waiting for me, goodbye".

He felt better telling me half truths and a pretty lie, but all he did was mess up with my mind and make me cry.

I looked at him and he knew I was having an internal fight trying to believe what he had just said. I am still trying to, but I am not stupid and I have been lied to too many times already.

If it is the truth I told him it is an obvious reading of all his past sick relationships. He always got manipulated into them, be it with the knight on shinning armour device, or just through guilt.

None of his exes knew him really, they fed him whatever they thought he wanted to hear, but it was never even what he wanted to hear. He stayed out of his fear of being alone, which I fear is pathological.

He said it made sense, but noticed my tension, and said he understood i couldn't quite believe that was it, overall since he has lied so much.

I told him my dream, and he was saddened for most of it, but said that the end is true, that it all is accurate and right, that he is not the jerk, that he wishes he was as wonderful as the nice H, but that he is that H who is in between, and that there is nothing else in this world he would rather than being with me.

I have heard it all before. I am scared that he is going back to his old self. If he does I just won't stand here anymore see him tear me appart.

I am scared of letting go off my fear and loving him unconditionally. I really am.

This kind of things just set me back just when I thought I had it all ready to move on.

Am I over-reacting? What should I do?

I am confused. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />