I think this is more of a vent then a question. My Mom is not very supportive of us trying to reconcil. I know she has alot of bias baggage and this is probably clouding her judgement, plus I know she is worried about me.

My bio father had an affair when I was 11mo old, they had only been married for 2 years. In fact bio father is married to OW (step monster) and has been since 1963. It was an ugly childhood with this situation, never wanted to see bio-father. When I was 12, saw an attorney about stopping visitation, have not seen him since.

Mom married my step-dad (he is really my dad) when I was 7. Dad's xW had multi affairs, believe she was sex addict. So, even Dad has bias baggage but, is supportive of me trying and finding out what I really want.

It is just very frustrating because the person you would hope would be on your side, is on your side when they talk to you but, not when the talk to other siblings. (2-faced ring any bells)

Mom is the biggest grudge holder I know, she will probably hold a grudge against H until she has left this world. I understand she is trying to protect me too but, it can be very hurtful too. When she talks to siblings, I wish it was more that she was worried about me and less about that I am doing the wrong thing.

Like I said, just kind of a vent. But, it's is hard enough going through stuff, without this from your family too.

Bearcub,

I know your feelings.

Both mine and my WH's parents are divorced due to an affair on both's fathers parts.

I cannot even talk to my mom about it. She lives 4 hours away so it does help. I really think mothers do mean well because they are basing it upon their experiences and do not want to see their children go through the same.

My WH's mother doesn't think it will work either, bad thing, because my WH looks up to her for her advice. I think this is another reason why WH is scared of coming back, because he will have to face the family.

HOWEVER, things have changed, therapists like the Harley's have found what can make or break a marriage. Years of research have saved marriages on these principles. Our parents did not have this.

Got a great idea!! Maybe the Harley's should write a book to the parents, doesn't matter if their 50, 60, 70, 80 etc years old. Just to help them understand what we have learned!!

Boy can I realte to your post!!! My mom is being terrible about my decision to let my H come home!!! My case is even WORSE... the OW was my own pathetic excuse for a sister!!! My mom speaks to her, but is mad at my H... talk about a double standard!!! My sister is a slut, and she slept with my H to hurt me... my H was just stupid, and made a BAD decision! I decided that I don't care what my mother thinks, because this is MY M, NOT HERS!!! I have 2 young children who love their daddy.... I love their daddy!!! The rest does NOT matter.... (ok, so it matters... I am just trying to move on...)

Stick to you guns! If you want your M to work out, then don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Best of luck to you!

-mc needs your help

I am so glad someone is talking about this, i am in plan a, and i live with my parents, and they do not support me geting back with H. My mother hangs up on him because sometimes he calls continuously, he thinks i'm avoiding him, however, i am out, then my mother get upset, she hates the idea of me even talking to him. i feel that she is ruining my chances even more because he will not want to return to this kind of situation. what do i do?

goin_crazy - My parents are about 6hrs away, thank goodness. We have not seen them since d-day and I am not sure when we will. My S is a Sr in HS this year, it will probably be at Graduation next May before there is any face to face contact.
Love you idea about a parents book and what has been discovered in the last 20 years or so. Internet is really pretty new when you think about it. I don't know what I would have done if I had not found this site. H and I have been doing the HNHN home study course and post questions and concerns about what we are both going through. We also visit the site daily.

mc - Holy Smokes!! You are going through alot. Totally agree about this is my M and I will do what I think is best. Just wish the person you thought would support you, would actually do it.

nezi - You have a tough situation. Living with your Mom and her not supporting you. I'm sure you have already talked to her about you wanting to try and reconcile with your H. And, probably to your H that it's your Mom and not you that is hanging up on him.
Do you have a cell phone? Maybe that way you and your H can talk in private too. You could go to the local park or even to a parking lot and talk to each other. That is what my H and I did. Lots of talking on the cell phone instead of in the house.
We even talked through a messenger service online. We used yahoo. Even set up a web cam so we could see each other too. It really helped us talking this way.

If that doesn't work, how about setting up a "talking time". That way you will know when the phone rings at that time it's for you and it's your H.

Boy, I wish I could help. Talking about everything that has gone on and what is happening is so important for both of you to recover.

My Best Wishes to everyone. Please keep me posted as how you are doing.

H and I are headed to Mexico tomorrow (7/27). Some R&R and to celebrate our 20yr anniversary.

My parents are still upset with my H and they only know that we were having problems, I never told them that he was having an affair. I made the mistake of telling them that we were thinking of spliting up because he was not sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. When he finally came out of the fog and wanted to work things out by going to a MC all my parents had to say were negative things. Things have become very strained because even when we were having problems and I went to my parents for support I made it clear to them that I still loved my H and wanted my marriage to work. I didn't want to hear them speak badly about him, I wanted and needed there love. I am very happy now that I never told them about his A, I know if I did they never would have been able to forgive him.

Any good advice out there on what we should say to "well-meaning" parents. I absolutely will not talk about my situation at all with my mom.

I'm getting ready to start a post on "well-meaning" friends advice, looking for input there too!

Bearcub, your situation is precisely why I have never told my parents about my Hs A. We live 15 minutes apart, go to church together, eat out together, do projects together, etc. I do not want them to know. Outside sources do not know how many times your H apologizes, how many little things he begins doing for you, how many gifts he buys you etc. My WH apologizes to ME, kisses MY ___, sucks up to ME, buys ME things etc. now. He does not do this for my parents, and if they found out, I feel like he should apologize to them, however I think I've got him busy enough doing those other things for me without him having to try to do them for my parents too!!

He did tell his mother about it. That was about 6 weeks after d-day. He seemed suicidal one day while I was on a trip, so I called his mother and asked her to check on him. He told her everything. He later said she tried to excuse him and blame me, and he cut her off and told her he was NOT going to blame me and didn't want to hear any talk of that kind. Thankfully she dropped it. (he has always gotten what he wanted when it came to his mom!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> hmm, wonder if that's why he has an A when he's not getting everything his way at home!!)

Live and learn. Work on your marriage. As your parents see you forgive him, and see him treat you like a queen, they will forgive him likewise. If they don't, you might evaluate the situation and see if there is something in his behavior that still has them concerned. Sometimes people can see things when they are on the outside looking in that you can't see from the inside.