This is my Plan b letter, any thoughts

I think it was originally from kk2002, and I adopted it some what....

WW,

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been mentally working on for weeks now. I have written this letter with the true love that only a husband can have for a wife. Please read every word I have written, it is from the heart.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I'm sure this helped create a voice in our marriage that allowed your affair to happen. I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I want to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I feel that I have been learning ways to be the type of man I hope you would be proud to call your husband, as I have so many times felt much pride in calling you my wife. I so want to be able to put the past behind us, and build a better life together for us and the family.

The past 18 months have been a difficult for me, the most emotionally traumatic in my life. We seemed to start recovery, only to slip and fail again. I am still feeling the hurt and pain when I don't know where you are or who you are with. We have somehow misplaced our foundation of trust and respect.

In the past I endured hurt and pain, I now see it is only draining my love for you. Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will be having no communication with you, except regarding the family, and I will avoid seeing you. If I need to come to the house, let's arrange for you to be elsewhere. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way.

I have left much information about the mechanics of our accounts, bills, etc. Also I will be seeking counsel on how to best protect us both financially, specifically support and how to set that up.

If you need to contact me, please do so through email (d.com) or leave a message at work.

I want us to work together, to learn how to talk to eachother, and create our new marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. It is fixable. With God's help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself and find the strength we will need to do this.

I want to grow old with you. You are the only person I have allowed myself to love so deeply. I loved you more than life itself while we were together, and I continue to do so as I write this. When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, and go to counseling, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.

God bless you, WW.

Your loving husband,

You know, right now as I read this, I feel that I don't want to grow old with her, or work together to recover. I just want to leave... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thoughts, thanks in advance....

DRS

DRS,
Of COURSE I think it's a great letter (grin)!! Really, the changes you made sound very loving and to the point, which is what we want. Some people suggested to me that I might have included more about the OW, in your case the OM. About how your recovery cannot start until your WW agrees to no contact and can stick with that, etc. The reason I didn't add that part was because I didn't have solid proof on the ongoing A, and I thought it would make WH mad (LB). But even without an ongoing A, he was doing NOTHING to work on our M, and I had had enough of it.

I'm sorry it's come to this for you. I pray you will get some relief with Plan B, as I have.
God bless you. Let us know how you are doing.
KK

I think its good too DSR. From the heart.

I feel the same as you I want him to come back but it scares me.

Good luck with it.

SH

I think it sounds good, but (maybe I'm just more selfishly based now) I think you need to say...

when you are ready to truly work on this, we need to work hard together to promote happiness for both of us. You need love, as do I. We can not live forever finding love elsewhere. If you can not find your love within me, than perhaps it will show when we break contact. If at this point you can not, than please know that eventually time will heal these wounds and perhaps I'll find someone (like you), who will once again open my heart.

I know this may sound like an LB, but I think that beside basically kissing her butt, you need to show some strength. Even if you are not completely strong. I have lived through my a, his a, and our eventual d. I have been in therapy for a year now and let me just tell you, I am happy now, because I love myself. I know you want her, we all want the fairytale, the forever love, but remember---if you aren't feeling the best about yourself, maybe you need to take this Plan B break to start putting the puzzle that is you together.

I hope you take these comments as the best, I don't mean to sound harsh or negative...just self positive.

God bless you..not just her.

KK, Seahorse, Rainefall,

Thanks for your input, here is an other draft...

WW,

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been mentally working on for weeks now. I have written this letter with the true love that only a husband can have for a wife. Please read every word I have written, it is from the heart.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the loss of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I'm sure this helped create a voice in our marriage that allowed your affairs to happen. I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I want to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I feel I have been learning ways to be the type of man I hope you would be proud to call your husband, as I have so many times felt much pride in calling you my wife. I so want to put the past behind us, and build a better life together for us and the family.

The past 18 months have been difficult for me, the most emotionally traumatic in my life. We seemed to start recovery, only to slip and fail again. I am still feeling the hurt and pain when I don't know where you are or who you are with. We have somehow misplaced our foundation of trust and respect.

In the past I endured hurt and pain, I now see it only drains my love for you. Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will be having no communication with you, except regarding the family, and I will avoid seeing you. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way.

I have left much information about the mechanics of our accounts, bills, etc. Also I will be seeking counsel on how to best protect us both financially, specifically support and how to set that up.

If you need to contact me, please do so through email (d.com) or leave a message at work.

I want us to work together, and create our new marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. It is fixable. With God's help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself and find the strength we will need to do this.

I want to grow old with you. You are the only person I have allowed myself to love so deeply. I loved you more than life itself while we were together, and I continue to do so as I write this.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from him, demonstrate it in a credible way, and are willing to follow measures to ensure total and permanent separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together. Let's not make the mistake we made in the past, thinking that by ending the external relationship things would work themselves out. The scars that episode left with us are probably one of the major reasons why we are where we are today. We must commit to our marriage and to each other as our number one priority in every way. And we must both agree to marriage recovery that lets us avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness; helps us meet each other's emotional needs; shows us how to give each other our undivided attention; and is Honest - where we are totally open and honest with each other. Only our willingness to talk openly and use counseling can help us do this.

I understand how difficult this is for you as well, and I will make every effort to help you and support you as we work through this together.

{While I accept responsibility for my part in the fall of our marriage, I will no longer accept responsibility for your part. I think you need to take this time to face your demons, as I have faced mine, and figure out what you want. I can't control what you do, nor will I try to change you anymore. I can't do that and I accept that. I'm sorry if I hurt you because of it. I realize I have to take care of me now. I can only control me and change myself. Only you can control and change you, if you choose to. I am fixable, you are fixable, this is fixable.} Is this to strong, show too much strength?? Thanks to Spacecase, this was modified from your letter:)

When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, and go to counseling, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.

God bless you, WW

Husband

Rainefall: your comment touched me. and reminded me to stay strong, and SHOW it and not to forget about ME! Thanks a bunch...

I was thinking of adding in "You told me once to find someone else to love. I have decided to do that, You are my first choice."

What thoughts.....??

Doug
DRS

Rainefall,

I noticed your quote about tommorrow is another day-- Scarlett

I've been thinking about "Gone with the Wind" a lot recently. I first saw it as a kid, it was a war movie with a lovestory (yuch for a kidister) Later as an adult, still a war movie and what was "gone" was the South and the way of life with a love story background that was also "gone" because of the war. (I realize now i was nieve about Rs)

Now.....it is a lovestory about a marriage that never had a full committment of the W. and it is the marriage that is Gone with the Wind. this film could start a lot of discussion in marriage seminars <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I remember him (Ret Butler?) saying something like, "Frankly, I don't give a damn!"
The Harley s call that stage "Withdrawal"

Having self confidnece and knowing who you are and where your going IS very important. As we get wrapped up in all of the A emotions we forget.....to be who we are and honest with ourselves...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Peace be with you

DRS

Bump
Happy weekend all
DRS

DRS,
How are things going?
KK

DR,

Sorry about my delay in replying. I loved your letter. Nothing is ever too strong. You need to stick with your boundaries and not let down. Isn't giving into a little, letting go of a lot?

Maybe that doesn't make sense but since I had an a., lived through his a. while I was pregnant and then went through the d., I can tell you that there are things that could've made it better.
There are things to make it worse.

If I could go back and change my situation when I was waiting for him to end his a., I would have done this (forgive me if it sounds wrong, but I live for myself now)...

I would have wrote him a letter expressing my love (like you), I would have told him all of the things that I was sorry for and also all of the things that I had yearned to hear an apology for, I would tell him everything that was in my heart even if I was scared to death to share it. I would have focused on me and let go of him. I would have fixed the things in myself that I needed to do in order to be the best person I can be and when people see strong people, they want to be around that.

Your w. is being selfish as we all are at times. Perhaps you did things and she did things. Maybe she's confused, maybe you are. It's hard to say. When things get the worst for me I always say "send me an angel".

Dr, I just want you to know that although there is a lot of hurt, don't just want to get back together unless you know that both of you are going to work at things, make communicating your true and honest feelings the most important thing, encourage her to tell the truth about how she feels and pray to understand, pray for her to understand you.

Perhaps I'm looking back and saying all of the things that I wish could have been done for me. I wish you the best of luck. Stay true to yourself, don't change your values, your goals to suit anyone. You are worth the best. Tell her that "I am worthy of love, true love as are you. I hope that we can work it out and be the best of friends. I hope with all of my heart that we can both put aside our harsh feelings and frustrations and see the good. I understand that right now you may look towards our marriage as something that is painful, but if we both try, it will work out because that is how love is. Love is fairytales and dreams, love is going through heartache and knowing within your soul that you will always love that person and that even though we have hurt one another, you will always be beautiful to me."

I hope that any of this helps, I just long to help others that are going through what I did, I guess that's why I came back here.

About Scarlett, my aunt and I loved watching Gone With The Wind. She was someone I wanted to be like...strong and maybe someone who doesn't always see what she really wants, but someone who truly loves others around her, even when most people think she's not so nice.

Hi KK and Rainefall,

good to hear from you, I got backed up with the blackout we had on the board. Did some posting elsewhere on the 29th and missed your posts to here until now.

Things are interesting, from the way WW is acting I think she wants to dump me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I will post more information in a moment, the dryer is calling me, it thinks my name is BUZZZZZZZZ

DRS

I'm back,

quick, well maybe not so quick, background. Monday, 22d WS left to take Son and DIL, who live in flagstaff Az, to San Fran, leave them there and return home. Then pick them up at Phoenix IAP on 31st.

Friday, 26, WS calls to say is in LA vistiing a girlfriend and that all is safe. I was not expecting any further calls. The nite before WS left from our home in Tucson AZ she had said to a friend of ours that she (WS) wanted to go alone when our friend questioned her about inviting another to travel with after dropping off the kids in San Fran.

No calls, no contact Sat, sun and mon. till Monday 5:30PM WS calls me at work to say she just got home and is safe. ( I work nites til 930 or so) I asked her how tthe trip was, she said softly, "fine" I think I detected a teary voice.

I got home ready to talk and found some family members visiting. No talking till they leave.

Tuesday noonish we all were driving, WS driving, to lunch. Talking about the clouds and rain ( we live in the desert).. WS says, "yesterday morning is rained just a little, not much, then nothing" (let's see....Monday morning it rained just a little.....the morning she was STILL?? in LA starting her drive home, its 7 to 8 hour drive, and she got??? home a 530PM) I asked her where in the area was the rain. From her looks and hesitation to answer, I knew she knew she was caught. I figure she really drove home for LA on Saturday, spent sat nite, all of sun and monday with OM. At the least she was here Sun nite to be here for the "rain" monday morn.

She has let me believe she drove from LA on Monday, has not said anything about the trip, stops, eating, gasoline, traffic, total blackout.....lie of omission..

Shortly after getting home that afternoon, while the visitors were in the other room, I stopped WS and asked her, " If they were not here, what would we be talking about"? "I don't know" she answered softly, maybe sadly. Then she went to the bathroom and cryed.

Today, Wed, she left to get the kids at the Phoenix Airport. We have not spoken because the company was here. When she left, it was a polite hug, I stayed on the porch while she turned the car to drive out, she did not look at me, at the gate I think she saw me in the door rearview mirror, at stretched out her arm to wave. I waved back.

That's the latest. Now I'm here and she will be back tommorrow nite from flagstaff. She had said she might stop a another mutual friend's house before leaving Flagstaff to come home. I'm thinking, right. You will leave at 9AM, get home at 1PM, but not show up at the house till after I go to work (5PM). And where would she be in the meantime>>>???

Continued....

Hi,

I posted that last one before I lost it in cyberland....

What a drama, the stuff soapobers are made of, I used to wonder where do the writers get this stuff..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks to you I have a good Plan B letter.

I'm thinking I should be out of the house before she asks me to leave, "be the one to leave first.." sort of thing

Rainefall, you are right, if we get back to gether it will be with a POJA to do the four rules of marriage be Harley. They were stated in the Plan B letter, but I took off the labels, Honesty, Care, Protection, and time. We tried to restart, but with out a plan, BIG mistake.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Tell her that "I am worthy of love, true love as are you. I hope that we can work it out and be the best of friends. I hope with all of my heart that we can both put aside our harsh feelings and frustrations and see the good. I understand that right now you may look towards our marriage as something that is painful, but if we both try, it will work out because that is how love is. Love is fairytales and dreams, love is going through heartache and knowing within your soul that you will always love that person and that even though we have hurt one another, you will always be beautiful to me." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nicely put!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Rainefall, I sense the next person to have your love will be very lucky indeed!!

I will use the part of "I am worthy..." Thanks.....I am worthy....

Now its down to timing. When to give the letter. I stil want to wait to see what she had to say, if its a dump, then I hand her the letter. Will it have the same effect????

If its a "We broke up and I'm comming home" then what. Your thoughts

Thanks again

Doug
DRS

DRS;

Glad you found mine useful, as I have found others.

Just one suggestion; you can probably remove the paragraph that starts "While I accept responsibility..." since the saem is covered in a previous paragraph ("I would like to acknowledge...").

I removed that same part from my letter based on the same comment form others.

And be careful with the part "let's not make the mistake we made in the past..." I put that there because it refers to another A my W had 14 years ago that we did not ptocess at all...unless you have a similar past incident, you might want to change that.

Best of luck! Looks like I'm headed in the saem direction very soon...

SC,

Thanks for the comments. I will remove the Accept responsibility paragraph.
For us the Let's not .... same mistake in the past, refers to stoping the A and reconciling without anything to go on, NC letter, four rules, Cing. Learning how to talk toeach other. We just went back to normal and hopedit would work out. Wrong

Thanks again, Have you delivered the 2nd salvo??? I'll keep watch on you thread...

Prayers,

DRS

DRS;

I was told to make it "short and sweet", and mine got cut down to less that 50% of what it was, and it is much better now.

I did deliver the second salvo...just have been doing my MB duty in helping some of the newer folks so I haven't had time to post! It'll be there soon; thanks for keeping track!

Hi, all,

Well here is a "final" plan b letter, thanks for all your help. SC, you may recognize some of the changes, I feel fortunate to have such good advice and help.

DRS

"
This is a difficult letter for me to write, one I have been mentally working on for weeks now. I have written this letter with the true love only a husband can have for a wife. Please read every word I have written, it is from the heart.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the loss of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I'm sure this helped create a voice in our marriage that allowed your affair to happen. I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I want to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I feel I have been learning ways to be the type of man I hope you would be proud to call your husband, as I have so many times felt much pride in calling you my wife. I so want to put the past behind us, and build a better life together for us and the family.

The past 18 months have been difficult for me, the most emotionally traumatic in my life. We seemed to start recovery, only to slip and fail again. I am still feeling the hurt and pain when I don't know where you are or who you are with. We have somehow misplaced our foundation of trust and respect.

In the past I endured hurt and pain, I now see it only drains my love for you. Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will be having no communication with you, except regarding the family, and I will avoid seeing you. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way.

I have left much information about the mechanics of our accounts, bills, etc. Also I will be seeking counsel on how to best protect us both financially, specifically support and how to set that up.

If you need to contact me, please do so through email (d.com), leave a message at work, or with the girls. I will give you my phone number as soon as I get a new one.

I want us to work together, and create our new marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. It is fixable. With God's help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself and find the strength we will need to do this.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from him, demonstrate it in a credible way, and are willing to follow measures to ensure total and permanent separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together. Let's not make the mistake we made in the past, thinking that by ending the external relationship things would work themselves out. The scars the attempt to reconcile left with us are probably one of the major reasons why we are where we are today. We must commit to our marriage and to each other as our number one priority in every way. And we must both agree to marriage recovery that lets us avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness; helps us meet each other's emotional needs; shows us how to give each other our undivided attention; and is Honest - where we are totally open and honest with each other. Only our willingness to talk openly and use counseling can help us do this.

I think you need to take this time to face your demons, as I have faced mine, and figure out what you want. I can't control what you do, nor will I try to change you anymore. I can't do that and I accept that. I'm sorry if I hurt you because of it. I realize I have to take care of me now. I can only control me and change myself. Only you can control and change you, if you choose to. I am fixable, you are fixable, this is fixable.

I understand how difficult this is for you as well, and I will make every effort to help you and support you as we work through this together.

I love you WW. You will always be very special to me. You are the only person I have allowed myself to love so deeply. I loved you more than life itself while we were together, and I continue to do so as I write this. I look back through our life and I choose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused and hope that in time you will forgive me too. I just cannot be with you or see you while you are still in love with another and feel the need to have a separate life without me.

When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, and go to counseling, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.

God bless you, ""

Thanks again everyone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

DR,

Thank you for the comment about my "next" love although suddenly my x is trying for that position. I just thought that since you are writing the Plan B letter, it ought to be what you truly want, not just I'm not talking to you until you come back. If in the event that her and her OM have broken up, I would say this...

"I want to know for certain that you are coming back because you want to try again..with me, not because someone else is letting you go. I don't want to be second, I deserve to be first. Perhaps if the only reason you are coming back is because he dumped you, than we ought to take two weeks, alone, without each other, without others and think about what deep inside we truly believe and desire."

I say this because my xh came back to me because he got caught, because he felt guilty, after a few months it was the same, arguing all the time. I know that you are hurting, but I think one thing that I learned is that I ended up wondering if he only came back because I caught them together. Besides, if a person comes back because they lost someone else, deep inside, they may still be mourning and wanting them.

It is my belief (and I may be wrong to some people) is that everyone when in this situation should take at least a week to really sort things out, instead of hastily trying to throw it all together. You have forever to be with someone, why not take time to really do the healing and really build the relationship? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Rainefall,

Thanks for the reality check. My thoughts of plan b are that plan b is not to punish, not to hope THEY suffer, but to start a period of time where the WS can truly learn whats next if things dont change. Also, for the BS to start letting go, even thought they have so to some extent just to enter plan b. From what I have read here, plan b should not be entered unless you are ready for plan D which could be a very real outcome of plan b.

When WSs come back, the reason for the return(breaking off the A) is not as important as the actions they decide to follow to reconcile. There must, must be a plan of sorts for the both of you. Following the four rules of marriage, Honesty, Care, Protectioon, and Time will let you know how serious the ws is in being with YOU becacuse of you, not just on the rebound or not just because you caught them together. If they follow these rules you can know for certain they are back. If they are serious about the rule, they are serious about being with you. The work involved in doing the rules will very quickly overshadow their original reason for returning. I say returning because they could have given up the OP but still not come back to you and your R.

My Ws and I tried to reconcile with out a plan or somenting to follow and check eachother on. She returned to the A in 2 months, mostly because of our not learning how to talk toeacher, we still did many of the same things that lead to the A. She tried, and my trying to learn what went on to avoid it in thefuture made her thing I would not let it go. We did not have specific couseling times to talk, she would not be completly honest with me so kept walls of secrecy and deciet. Whether or not she was still seeing him, the deceit stayed....

Like you, things returned to as before very quickly because we had no plan to change what was the original cause.

The four ruls will get you past all of this, you will find you want him to be completly honest with you, and tell you things about the A he may not want to say. but he must, to show his willingness to get your trust back for one, and to destroy any secrets between you for another. he will not want to do this, but rather just restart as though nothing happened.

You can say, lets follow the rules, follow the rules of how to treat eachother. Rather than a personal attack and demanding some paticular action from him.

You are very right. Plan B is serious, not just "I won't talk to you until you love me again" It also has a time limit. Then on to D.

Thanks for your thoughts, I hope my ideas help also...

Doug
DRS

DR,

Your words were very correct. I guess as I look at it now, no we didn't really have a plan. I had all these expectations of what I would and wouldn't accept, but when it came down to it, I was pregnant and lonely, so I threw those out the window and took "I'm here for the kids". After I had my baby I began to realize the "the kids" wasn't enough. We were still fighting all of the time and I guess the main reason was that I wanted an apology, one without, it wouldn't have happend if or I'm sorry but. I just wanted to look into his eyes and see that he truly regretted it and that he loved me and wanted things to work out, but when I looked I saw someone who was very angry and someone who wanted me only when he couldn't have me. Truth is I've been d. for 2 months and I don't feel it. Sorry for going off like this on your thread.

I pray that you stay strong, share your feelings with her, regardless of what they are and let her share hers. Don't keep things in the dark because of the fear of hurting, I think that makes us hurt more. She obviously doesn't know how lucky she is, nor do a lot of WS's. I have never seen the commitment, nor the faith that I see in the people here. Truly I believe God is watching over us. Maybe this web site is where we find our "angels"

Looks good, DRS.

I've also gone thru several versions of mine with the help of the forum. You can see the latest version here:

Spacecase Plan B letter thread