Normally people don't come forward with knowledge of infidelity, because they don't want to "get in the middle" or "take sides". But I don't care about that.

While I was in plan A or B, telling OMW would have been a love-buster and detrimental to any chance of restoring my marriage. Since filing for D, I don't cara about that either.

This lady deserves to know where she stands, so that she can make her own decisions without continuing deception from her H.

It now seems like a loose end, that I haven't told her. Has anyone else felt that way? Did you feel any better or worse after telling OMW or OWH at this point in the process? Was it better to wait until after the divorce settlement, or not?

I've always been of the opinion that you tell the truth if the wayward spouses involved don't have the guts to be honest. How many of us will be betrayed and will NEVER know????????? We all have choices I suggest you make the choice you would want someone to make if you were the one who was in the dark.
Let there be light!
God Bless

It is a must to tell the OMW. My stbx - WH said he wanted to tell the OW husband, but he didn't. He chickened out, or you could say he wanted to protect her. I wanted their family to know that this woman had another sexual affair in her marriage, and that what my WH was doing to this family was destroying all of us with his ballistic, angry outbursts.

Anyways, we are divorcing. I figured it wouldn't hurt now to tell her husband. I wrote a very nice letter, explaining that my H and his wife were sexually involved, and how it started, to the sexual contact they had during the week we were in her state visiting WH father. Yes, he found time to be quite intimate with her in a hotel while we were there. Amazing what a lieing WH will do to get someone in bed, that they think they love, and didn't see before. Yes, he took her to bed - during that week 5 times.

Anyways, I sent the letter, very nice letter, had someone help me write it so it was not inflammatory or anything. I got a letter back stating that I am the ***** that my H wrote to his wife about. So my husband wrote in e-mails that I was a *****. Good to hear that now. That I was revengeful, which I wasn't, the OW was the one coercing and manipulating me with suicide if we were to tell her husband, yes she called me to tell me she was going to kill herself if either of us told. Here, I bent backwards to get her to a hospital over the phone. Of course she didn't go, but went shopping. DUH! She did this for the purpose that my WH said he was going to tell regardless, so she picked on the weakest link. The letter I got back was so crude, and ugly. They told me to fu*k myself. I read the letter to my stbx, he didn't seem to realize that his OW wasn't the person he thought she was. But he still loves her, and says she is an honorable person.

Yes, tell now. Tell to inform the spouse that their spouse is having an affair. For protection for them and the family. Do it now.

Hi thinker, glad to see you back here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think it's always a good idea to tell the OP spouse. If I knew someone was embezzling money from my neighbor, I would tell them. And this is the same principle. The OP spouse has a right to know what is going on in their life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tmmx:
[QB]Normally people don't come forward with knowledge of infidelity, because they don't want to "get in the middle" or "take sides". But I don't care about that.

QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">tmmx,

I also think people are wholesalely brainwashed into believing the silly notion that it is the TELLING that is harmful, rather than the act. This premise falls apart under very minor logical examination. It is not the truth that hurts, but the AFFAIR.

If I know that someone is having money embezzled from them, do I withhold that information so they "won't be hurt" or do I tell them so they can take steps to protect themselves? It's the same principle. When someone is being destroyed behind their back and I know, then I have an obligation to tell them the truth.

Hi tmmx,

I would tell--but that's just me.

I once told a neighbor friend about the conduct between her H and another neighbor. I also gave her my opinion that I didn't think her H had a clue as to what this neighbor was up to--turns out he really didn't have a clue, and the *friendship* ended. The neighbor hated me up until the day I moved (maybe she still does). I can live with that!

P.S. Hi there c2m--I am glad to see you here! I've often thought (worriedly) about you after you quit posting and said some prayers for you. I'm glad to see you continuing this healing process--you deserve it!

There is also the statement of being radically honest. Most spouses would appreciate the word that their wayward spouse is screwing around, and spending both your hard earned money. I would of appreciated it long before I suspected. But that is in the past. If the spouse shows anger towards you, it is probably the result of denial. That you found out before they did. It shows a sign of them being weak or not strong. Let it pass, and if it never goes away, so be it.

Radical honesty is what I would of loved from someone on her side. I would of loved the confrontation, the honesty, but I would of appreciated the truth and proof. Remember, they are going to think you are making up a lie, to have revenge or something, so make sure you have proof.

Go with telling, go with being there for someone else. If I ever find out about an affair with a friend or family or whomever, I will tell immediately. I would not hold back, because God would want us to tell, and to be honest with this person. Remember God sees all, and these WS's don't think God sees all the deceit and failure the wayward spouse as done, they have another hill to climb.

Yes, I am back, giving support, wisdom, and telling it from the heart of someone who is totally hurt, but moving on. I don't need my WH, stbx, I don't need his deceit, I don't need his lies (which are still continuing), I don't need his support, I don't need his lack of emotional support (during my fathers death, SNL was not there for me, and to this day he has not gone back to the cemetery with me), SNL is selfish and I don't want a selfish individual in my life. I want someone who cares a lot about people, cares about their parents, cares about their siblings, cares about their kids, and cares about values, morals, christianity, and love. SNL will have to find his person that loves someone who is a big time procrastinator, sloppy dresser, shows anger, poor hygiene, poor eating habits, and someone who wants like SNL said, a high maintenance person. I don't want a high maintenance person, I want someone equally to maintain as myself. I need EN as well as he does, so therefore, I am moving on. But if this person never comes, oh well.

Thanks everyone, it seems unanimous. Now I need to think about the best way to approach her; I'm pretty sure OM does things like watch regular mail.

Me and the kids are going camping today...should be more fun than this!