Has anyone ever written a letter to the other woman or other man or called them on the phone to try to find out the truth of the matter? Does this always blow up in your face? Is a no contact letter the only letter that should be sent to the OP who is destroying your life?

Luci

Well... I actually called the OW after some things that my WH was telling me did not make sense. I had a list of questions and I wrote down all of her responses. Now keep in mind, that I was friends with this woman, so when I called I said, "I have some questions for you and all I want is the truth. I am not going to judge you, I have already done that enough to you and my WH. I think you owe me this." I also did not react to ANY answers she gave. I did not want her to know if my H had told me the truth or had lied. So I did not show any emotion! If you can't do that yet, I would wait. You do not want to blow-up and have the OP call your WS and exaggerate what happened. I also called my H after I talked to her and told him that I had, so that he heard it from me, not her, first!

Now, I have a question... When my H writes his NC letter, can I add to the bottom saying, "If you choose to ignore my H's and my wishes, I will be forced to call Bob (Their boss) and explain to him the REAL reason that my H and I have moved 2500 miles away." I also want to add, "P.S. If my H asks me about this part of the letter, I will assume that you are still in contact and not respecting our wishes, and I will have to act on that." WHAT DO YA THINK???????

How about you write the letter you want to send here, and let us take a look at it. Tell us what exactly you hope to accomplish with the letter.

So sorry you're hurting.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Luci,
If you contact the OP, remember they have no loyalty or liking for you, their version of the "truth of the matter" is just that, their version of what they CHOOSE to tell you.

For example, when I talked to the OW, a year into the PA, on a day she had spent at least 5 hours with my H, she said she didn't "date married men". Oh? Huh? I said he was married, hadn't seen a lawyer, wasn't divorcing me, in fact, we weren't even separated at the time. She said, that wasn't what he said. I said he was home right then.

It was pretty pointless. But, I did realize that she was being lied to as much, or even more, than me. The A continued, even as my H denied it to me that it did. I suspect she began to lovebust a bit more after talking to me, and since we live in a 60 day no fault divorce state, 2 months later she was wondering why the D hadn't gone through....

So, anyway, don't believe the OP has access to the "truth", or will make any sense.

Luci,

I understand your desire to contact OW so well. My WH told me that the relationship was purely friendship and even gave me her e-mail address. I wrote to her and she confirmed all that he had said - claimed that there had never been any sort of physical contact whatsoever and that she was happily married, and loved my H as a friend only. The e-mail went a long way towards making me feel better, so imagine my horror when I discovered a card from her 2 weeks later, saying how she knew she should leave him to make a go of it with his family (I had a 4 week old baby at the time), but that she would miss their kissing and holding too much! Since the NC letter I have wondered every day if the A is really over. I did seriously consider calling her and/or her husband, but my WH was very against it. As time has moved on, I feel that I don't have the energy for their involvement at present - too wrapped up in trying to put my life back together. I also very much doubt whether she would be honest anyway. On the bad days I do think of calling, but I have to begin with Us before I deal with Her! Good luck and may you find strength and wisdom while wrestling with this decision.
Fishwife

Luci,
I'd like to respond to this one as a former OW.

I would have loved to hear from his W. When it was all said and done, more than anything I just wanted truth. He told SOOOO many lies it was hard to know which way was up. According to him she knew all about us and didn't care. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Also, EVERYTHING I have ever heard about this woman was bad. How mean she was, how uncaring, what a bad mother, etc. It was not until I saw a home movie of her did I even begin to imagine that she was a regular woman just like me. No horn, no pitch fork, no tail. Just regular.

I can't say what you should say to an OW. There are as many different kinds of OW as there are W's. For me though, knowing truth was a refreshing chance and gave me the courage to begin to let go.

Dear Luci,
I have been lurking on your thread for awhile - so sorry you are going through so much pain - my H has also had 2 EA's in the last 18 months, both with women much younger than himself, neither (as far as I know) progressed to the physical stage - the first was mainly a telephone, cellphone, TXT msg relationship - the second was with a girl he made friends with through work, met once or twice a week with for drinks, and e-mailed and TXT msged every day. I found out about the first days after my brother's funeral - I found out about the second 2 months after my SIL committed suicide - I still can't understand how my H could have done this when I was going through such grief - and he was, too - but, like your H, I believe they were ways to distance himself from the pain and stress around him.

Your H has been far more forthcoming than my H, who has been abusive and violent when I try to talk to him about it - this may be a symptom of the depth of his shame over what he has done.

I wish I had found MB last year, but I found this forum in Feb - that was after I e-mailed OW2 - I do not recommend it. For me, it blew up in my face, and I believe it drove them closer together. I found his private e-mail account on 4 Feb and guessed his password pretty easily - I confronted him, and he was predictably defensive - since he had already lied to me over OW1, I was primed to explode and explode I did - the next day, we scuffled in the kitchen and I punched him - I fired off an e-mail to OW2 demanding an explanation of the e-mails I found on his account - she insisted they were "just friends" and that she was "100% committed" to her own BF. I watched their e-mails for about 2 weeks - during which time she initiated contact with him numerous times in a very flirtatious way - she sent him jokes about men and women taking showers - he replied in suggestive and funny ways - they had a whole string of pet names for each other - she was his Princess and he was her Frog - she made sure that she saw him every other day - he TXT msged her several times a day, and e-mailed her as well, they e-mailed each other on waking and sleeping. Just friends my A**. After 2 weeks of this, I fired off an e-mail to her telling her she needed to ask herself some questions and according to her answers, ask herself just what kind of person she wanted to be, because right now, we had a word for it in the US and it was called "**** -teasing" - I told her if she wasn't paying the kind of attention to her BF that she was paying to my H, she probably wouldn't have a BF for long - we have 2 small boys, and I asked her if she wanted to be responsible for breaking up a family, because at this point, things weren't looking too good between H and I.

The result? She obviously pleaded persecution by the evil spouse to my H - he was FURIOUS with me and nearly violent - he had to leave the house. I gave him copies of all the e-mails that had passed between her and I - I saw on his e-mail account that he told her that all his closest friends had told him that I needed counselling (this isn't true - all our closest friends have told ME that both of us need counselling together to get through this and they have told me that they have said the same to him) - he told her that I was a very sick person, and he was sorry she had been manipulated by me into feeling guilty, he told her that one couple we know hates me (the husband is a wife-beater and I can't stand him, so I guess the feeling is mutual), he said he was sure I would not be able to "ruin her reputation" and not to worry, that nothing was going to happen that would harm her R with her BF.

Do you see? She put a spin on my honest, but firm communication - I never threatened to ruin her reputation, I never threatened to tell her BF, but she made it sound as if I had - and my lovely husband, who was looking for any justification for his bad feelings, leapt at the chance to defend her, the angel, against me. After that, she signed herself "The Fallen Angel".

I still do not know what happened - whether or not this "friendship" is over - she went back to her own country at the end of May to live with her BF - I am burned out now - my H is in IC and so am I - he says he is not ready yet for MC - he is still communicating with his friends on his private e-mail account - he has made no effort to talk to me, to tell me that he wants to work things out, to apologize, to be honest, to open up his "privacy". What he has done is try to be nicer to me, continued with his counselling, in some ways is more kind - but we are a long way from recovering from this.

Lor has it right when she says the OW is not your friend - they have their own agenda, and their own reasons for being involved with a married man - they are going to look for any reason to justify why they are right and you are a B***** so they can feel righteous about what they are doing. Have you ever looked at the website 222.glorybe.com - the Other Woman website. It made me sick - hardly anywhere on that discussion board is there anyone who shows any sympathy for the BS - for the OW, they almost always villify the BS - the failure of the marriage becomes her fault.

My words of advice, learned the hard way, do not give the OW any ammunition. Anything you say can be used against you and probably will be. Better to stick to the positive and plan A - that way, you can at least be proud of yourself in the end.

LIR

I mentioned this on your other thread. Did whatever it took to contact the women my H was having affairs with. So it communicaitons were through phone/email/IM. I actually spoke/chatted with each of them for several hours.

Was it worth it? Yes it was. In my case my H had lied to every one of them. Told them that he was a single dad. I also told each of them about all the others so that they knew what was really going on.

I asked the women to please leave us alone. They all promissed to do this. Then the first chance each of them emailed or IM'ed (or both) him asking him things. Most of them said that they forgave him and wanted to continue their relationship. What they did not know is that I saw their IM's and emails.

It was worth it because I found out what was going on. I found what others are telling you.... the OW, no matter how many of them there are, has her own agenda. It will seldom be to help the wife.

In my previous 14 year marriage, my XH had a few affairs. I contacted one OW. She and he lied to me about their relationship. After that I just ignored them. Today I feel that was a mistake. I feel that it's better to have some knowledge of what is going on then none at all.

One warning about contacting OW (or OP) is to not have any expectations.. just see waht happens. And what ever you do, do not give them any power. This is not a contest between you and her. It is your The real deal here is your relationship with your husband.

It's worth a try, get what you need from the encounter and move on.

Based on what I read here and on the notable posts about letters, I have decided that contacting any of the OW would be useless. I just don't think they care. I think they believe what they want to believe and no concern for me or my H. mental health would really stop them. In their own way they have issues too, its evident from what I read. These people who write to my H. saying they are happily married and just want to have online "love" are as delusional as my own H. They feed each other and hearing from a wounded spouse would not affect their behavior. I will not give them any additional information to use against our marriage and feel the best course is to just deal with myself and my behavior towards my husband. I will let them hang themselves with their own behavior. Cognitively I believe my H. knows we are good together. I just hope he wakes up in time before my love bank is empty. I really do.
Luci