I am sure that alot of you out there are in a similiar situation as I.

When I first found out about WH's A, I cut myself off from people. Not only because I felt so ashamed, embarassed, and rejected at first, but because I really did (and still do) want reconciliation with my WH. I knew what some of those friends would say, "He's not worth it".

Since I do want reconciliation, I really only have just a couple of close friends that I can really confide in. These friends have strong Christian beliefs as I and have supported me tremendously. They support my decision to "stand" for my marriage. They support my "ups and downs". When I get angry over a WH situation, they don't tell me "he's a jerk", they calm me down, help me to relook over the situation, etc.

So what about the friends/coworkers/family that may or may have not been a BS.

How do you respond to them when they say:
"He's a jerk"
"He's not worth it"
"Why are you waiting for HIM?"
"Why would you want him back?"

and the biggest one that really aggravates me:
"You don't have any kids, there's no reason to stay together"

What do you say to these "well-meaning" friends??

That's something you'll hear a ton, so brace yourself and get used to it. Practice makes perfect, so it's good to have a few answers down pat.

You can go the humor route, that tends to be the one that I often take with sticky stuff.

-There are those days when I think of having him stuffed and mounted, do you know a good taxidermist?

-I know we don't have kids now, but I'd like to have ten, and spoil them rotten... Then one day I'll leave them with him.

-I'm waiting for him so I can get him to fall in love with me then dump him. <then wink and leave them hanging>

-Actually he is wonderful, you'll see as soon as the aliens return his brain.

-He is worth it, really. He has an uncle that is leaving him a 4.3 million dollar estate.

Then you can always do what Miss Manners suggests, answer their rudeness with the same.

I'm not always good at that one, but have done it once or twice when someone really got to me.

When someone asks an improper question, you respond asking them why they feel they can ask...

"My, such a personal question! Why do you need to know such a thing?"

Or, this is a good one, it can tell you who your real friends are... or who the real gossips are.

When someone starts to pry or make comments...

Tell them that it is a very long story, but that you would be willing to confide in them over a long lunch. If they show interest in your issue and want to take the time to spend listening to you it shows that they do care and are concerned.

Hope I helped a bit! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

One more... With one eyebrow raised (practice at home in the bathroom mirror) say "what?" when someone says something kind of contrary to your stance....

Not rudely... just giving them a sec to think....

E

Best to just say, "thanks for the advice but I can handle it myself."

Maybe - "You know, I ask myself that too... and it's because I believe in the commitment I made, and I believe that everyone makes mistakes." Or something to that effect...?

They are making a judgement about something they don't have full information about. You don't really OWE them ANY detailed explaination.

I think it is best to say:
"I appreciate your concern, but this is between us." or "I understand you would like to help, but I don't want to discuss it with you."

Sometimes I feel like an icon for gossip!! Everyone is always asking me for an update. There are some that I just want to say "none of your d**n business!!!!

I really like the humor approach!!

GC I thought a lot about this after I read this this morning. I think we all feel like this. I have gone to plan B and trying to hand the situation over to God. then I thought, hey, thats a great response "I've handed the situation over to God".

No one can argue with that and really you don't have to take the conversation any further, just keep replying "Oh well, I've handed the situation over to God", eventually they'll get the message.

If they don't then you say "back off" or "are you deliberately trying to make me feel worse about this than I already do?".

Seahorse:

The ironic thing is:

Two of the people at work (both men) told me that I should forget about WH, he wasn't worth it.

Both of these two men are now in my shoes, their wives have left them for OM, now they are coming to me for advice on how I get through this and respect me for what I am doing. I told them, it is God's doing, from the very beginning, the Book of Hosea shows up everywhere for me. a paragraph in a book, etc.

So far, from me going through this, I have helped lead 3 people to the Lord, and that, in itself, should be a success story.

I really think that it is hard for someone to offer you advice and to tell you to give up on your marriage when they have not lived your experience. I even have some "Christian" friends telling me it's better to divorce.

I will not give up!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "He's a jerk"
"He's not worth it"
"Why are you waiting for HIM?"
"Why would you want him back?" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How about a sincere "That's my husband you are talking about."

Anyone with any sense or compassion should realize that you won't tolerate any negative comments about him.

Since you are a Christian, what if you just said, "Would you kindly say a prayer for him and for my marriage right now?" Then grab their hands, close your eyes, and wait for them to pray.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

When someone is praying for another, they can't talk bad about them.

G_C,

If there's one thing that I've learned from all of this crap (mind you there are many, but this is a biggie), it's that no one, but NO ONE, should give advice about anything that they haven't experienced.

I had told myself that an affair was WAY out of bounds for me, and I wouldn't stand for it one bit...... but then it happened, and it really made me rethink my stance. Like you, I believe strongly in the comittment that we both made.

So, in answer to your question, here are a few suggestions as well. Take them with many grains of salt, because you should say what YOU want to say, not what any of us feed you.

--

Tell them that they're welcome to give you advice AFTER their spouses have had an affair (I'd be curious what your two guy-friends would say NOW)

Tell them that that's your husband they're talking about, and ask them if they'd like for you to explain their comments to him after you reconcile.

Just something to think about.
K