OK so I knew in my mind for the last 2 yrs that something was going on & now I have the confirmaton I feel sick to my stomach.
Hearing more things about h the last few days apparently they are not going to move in together & OW kicks him out at all hours of the night. They are away for the weekend as her son who is 15 is freaking out over all this (OW husband is also in a new relationship now & they have only been seperated since Feb 2002) I feel like I am the only one here that is still living in the real world. A friend told me 2day that H holiday up the NI was also with OW that last time he was up their way he had no reason to tell her some stuff but what he said about what he was dong up there & how he had to pick something up in the next town 1.5hrs away she said he was just lying thru his teeth. I just said to her well I am working on me right now I have everything going for me (although I don't believe it at the moment) H went to visit our son 2day & enquired if i was enjoying my job (funny but i only had a conversation 2 days ago with H about how i was enjoying my job) I know what he is up 2 H will be hoping that finding all this out freaks me out & that I will leave this village BUT H & OW have another think coming I am staying put I have a job i enjoy & am going to do plan A if it kills me they wont ever chase me out of this town. B4 we seperated H said don't come back to this town expecting that we will get back together because it will never happen well now i know why don't i...

Sometimes I just don't get people.Why do they find it nessary to play mind games.My Ex still tries it but I don't bite and the GF EX does it just to yank on her chain.For me it's a matter of "move on and get a freak'n life and stop wasting my time". If you want to save your marriage all the more power to you but if he is this inmature then why bother?

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Dear wrungout,
I know you're feeling bad right now - sick and angry at the betrayal happening out in the open now all around you.

You are doing very well - I can hear the strength and determination in your voice and that is JUST what YOU need to survive this time.

Your H's actions are all very common for a WS - I disagree with the previous poster - why bother? Yes, he is immature and has hurt you as bad as possible. And yes, he will have to make the changes YOU need him to make in order for you ever to get back together. You can't make those changes for him, you can only take care of your own life right now and it seems to me you are doing an A1 job at that.

Remember that these things all are the consequences of their choices. OW son freaking out now - that is so sad - but that is inevitable and her problem. It is these consequences that start shaking up the "happy couple" - when they have to deal with the grim reality of what they have done.

Two things - all is not rosy for your WH - "she kicks him out of her house at all hours of the night" - how do you know this? Do you watch their house? How do you know it is her asking him to leave? How do you know its not just him leaving her? The point is - if its her who's in control - he is not. He won't like that. He probably gambled on happy days and nights and that she would always want him around - that's what his ego was primed for, that's what he ditched his marriage for - is he getting it now? If not, he won't come running back to you right away - he will be discontented and will probably take a long time before he feels ashamed or gets to the point where he is ready to admit he made a mistake. He may get to that point someday - and that is a step on the road to maturity. People don't just grow up overnight. It takes a lot of pain to get there. Unfortunately, sometimes a lot of YOUR pain. So - looks like first small sign of trouble in Paradise.

Second - he asked son if you were enjoying your job - you already told him you were. Maybe he was just making conversation with son. Maybe he wants to double-check and see if you told son the same thing. Probably knows darn well you confide your true feelings to son and might be hoping son will tell him how you are REALLY feeling - mayve he's wondering if you have any feelings left for him.

So he told you not to come back to town hoping to get back together. That's just a bluff. You called him on it. Stick to your guns if that's what you want - to live where you are happy regardless of what he is doing. You are one tough cookie to make this decision when you could have gone to live near your sons - but why shouldn't you also live where you have invested your life - in your friends and your community. If this is what you want, he can't rob you of this. As to not getting back together, plenty of men in his situation have made total 180s.

You seem to assume he is angry with you or wants you to be angry with him. Remember that this is what he showed you - he probably has a lot of other feelings which he is/was not willing to show you. Anger is there to cover up a lot of other things. It isn't necessarily so.

Hang in there.
LIR

Well thanks for the replies, how do i know that she chucks him out at odd hours of the night? Well he told a mutual friend of ours, she gave me the info freely I didn't ask, I told her that I was back here for myself not to get H back that I was still married & would be prepared to work on our marriage with conditions I don't keep watch on their houses or what they r doing. h said to me i dont discuss our business with anyone it's no one elses business then spends an hour on the phone talking to a friend of ours. (wonder what OW would think if she knew that H was discussing their private life with other people...especially the bit about chucking him out of bed...So H has already started the lying with OW by talking to this friend behind her back..... Feel sorry for this couple of friends as her H thinks it's all OK & she doesn't (she had this ow as a neighbour for a few years & she said she bent over backwards to help her but she was a strange one) anyway this friends H is a builder & is going to do some building for H, h has asked if friend will fix OW leaking roof for FREE!!! his wife is spewing about this especially since he & our son worked on their place before for free & she stood talking to them thru the window drinking a coffee & never once offered them a drink... Hey why doesn't he just get our son over from the UK to fix it he's a builder (sorry that was sarcastic wasn't it)
Very tempting to mention something to H in front of OW if i ever get the chance, about talking to friends about his problems with OW now wouldn't that set the bloody cat amongst the pidgeons eh but i won't stoop to that level unless i decide it's all over for me......
Anyway you are right I am a strong person I have had to be I also look amazing right now have lost 70lbs & everyone is telling me so...cool eh

Hey you guys! thanks so much for keeping me honest & on the straight & narrow.
I have one question (well ya know me it could turn into 3 questions!) hee hee
This is the rundown advice appreciated
Anyway this week my son rang me & said dad is coming up here & said he wouldn't be staying with him as he was bringing someone else with him they would be staying at a motel I immediately said well we know who that is don't we. son waited a couple of days & rang his father back & asked what was going on why was he staying in a motel & who was he bringing H said he was bringing OW that it had always just been a friendship but was a bit more than that now.... By the way the holiday that H went on was with her also. New stuff is coming out all the time & I feel sick to my stomach.
Anyway my question is H hasn't actually said anything to me about how he is with her now what on earth am i going to say if he does??? Do i bring it up???I don't know what to say if he does & tells me to just get over it that he is with her now I am terrified of saying the wrong thing to him. Can you give me some advice on this. I don't want to stuff up now I've actually got him not hating me & actually having a wee bit of contact I am scared that if i don't talk H will think he has one over me but if i do it will be the wrong thing that comes out. He may have planned on telling me last week when he came up to borrow something & I made him a coffee he was here for about 30mins & I just acted very happy & that probably made it hard for him to tell me.
This weekend is a huge sporting event here & I don't know if he will be with her, I will be going to this event, do i go up to him & say hi & ignore her or just drink with our friends & just give h a smile & leave it at that he also could well be there on his own or he may not be there at all. H (this is the guy that told me he doesn't discuss anything with anyone else cause it's non of their business) rang a mutual friend of ours that is in the town he is in with OW this weekend (this guys wife told me this news I didnt ask she volunteered it) H told this guy that he stays the night at her place & she chucks him out at all hours of the night (I guess she has her position in the community to think about) that he was spending heaps of money & that OW wouldn't even go into the shop that i was working in (lucky for her she can shop elsewhere). The friend also said that her H wouldn't tell her the rest of the stuff H said, she said its caused a rift between her & her H becuse this guy thinks it's ok what H is doing & she said she will never talk to the woman again! H also asked this guy whos a builder when he's finished H work would he go & fix OW leaking roof FOR FREE!!! friend is really upset about this & I said I would b upset if her H fixed the roof, but yesterday i decided that it wouldnt bother me so I wrote her & said not to let it cause problems between her & her H that they had been great friends to me & I wanted it to stay that way. This will 4 sure eventually get back to H.
He also asked our son if i was enjoying my job & had they heard from me they said they had but didnt say when & that yes i was enjoying my job, I had a coffee with H a couple of days before & made a point of telling him how much i was enjoying my job, I am thinking that they are hoping like hell that this news will tip me up & that I will leave town & give them the opportunity to get out & about in the community. Anyway sorry to have rambled on for so long I just need this wee bit of urgent advise. By the way OW husband has got himself another woman now also...Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire eh but then again OW H could have had this OW b4 he seperated from his W also...BYEEEEEE just been to the gym & feel good about that but hey why do we have so many highs & lows???
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

((((wrungout))))
Just a quick one to say I think you are doing so well.

This is the fallout starting to happen - you did the right thing with your friends, in my opinion - saying you didn't want this to cause trouble between her and her H, and thanking them for being good friends to you both. The rest of your small community will eventually see and like these 2 friends, make their own judgements about your H and OW actions. Like I said before - there is trouble in paradise - it hasn't taken long, has it? H is talking to friend behind OW back because he is stressed and needs someone to talk to - he doesn't sound happy.

Behave with dignity - do not stoop to her level and say cutting remarks, or put a fox in with the chickens - sounds like they are doing a pretty decent job of cutting their own throats. You sit back and watch and be the best person you can be. I bet you look GREAT!!!!!

Yay Wrungout!

LIR

((((wrungout))))
Just a quick one to say I think you are doing so well.

This is the fallout starting to happen - you did the right thing with your friends, in my opinion - saying you didn't want this to cause trouble between her and her H, and thanking them for being good friends to you both. The rest of your small community will eventually see and like these 2 friends, make their own judgements about your H and OW actions. Like I said before - there is trouble in paradise - it hasn't taken long, has it? H is talking to friend behind OW back because he is stressed and needs someone to talk to - he doesn't sound happy.

Behave with dignity - do not stoop to her level and say cutting remarks, or put a fox in with the chickens - sounds like they are doing a pretty decent job of cutting their own throats. You sit back and watch and be the best person you can be. I bet you look GREAT!!!!!

Yay Wrungout!

LIR