I really need some help with this one it transpired on Saturday night about 10:30.

Speaking with STBX on phone haven't spoken to him in 4 weeks, very nice conversation, just about life and little things going on each others and kids, spoke for an hour and a half, kept waiting for him to say bye, so finally I said that I would let him know Mon or Tues about when I could meet him for drop off of yd, he says there is one more thing that I need to tell you!!!

And I said that is what? "Well the OW is here she's been here since last week." I said that I would be there Wed night to pick up the OD that is flying in there from VA. Our divorce is not final and in it, it will state that there is to be no co-habitation when minor children are present. I said "how is it that you can do this when you know that the girls are coming in a week and they will not be allowed to stay there if she is there", had no answer. Then suggested that if I was taking my trip that he could come here to visit with the girls, said no, that I wasn't going to put the strain on my parents (they live accross the street) that that would cause that he needed to come up with a solution. He then suggested that he and the girls stay in a hotel. (Duh does he just see get her out of his house) I stated that the girls where coming to spend time with him in his home!!

I stayed so very calm through all of this (thank you Lord). Said that he would get back to me Sunday night. No phone calls Sunday night.

This morning he calls and says that he is going to move into a dorm room on base. I said wow, "you talk about me trying to control your life, here you are moving out of your home!!!" Told him that that was not a solution to his problem, that the girls could not stay in a dorm room. Does not see that he needs a place for the girls. Said that that was all he could afford, told him that that was not his responsibility (her moving into her own place or a hotel) DUH!!! He knows that I can and will take his career from him for having her living with him while still married to me!!! Big no, no in the military!!

I told him that he is now a seperated/divorced parent and that I have the day to day responsibilties of the kids and that he has the finacial and I appreciate him being so faithful with that. But that he has a scheduled visit with the kids, that, that is now what his life is, is scheduled visits. I don't want the girls to be hurt or dissappointed that their father has chosedn the OW over them again (I know not my responsibility) BUT!!!! I am not going to let him out of this visit.

STBX said that he would call me later, I asked "if there was an accident", he starts in with your and the kids name are still on everything and I said "I know just listen, and you were to die could you meet your maker and be comfortable with what you have done the last few months?" Very quickly he said yes!!! "Mmmmmmmmm not the man I married, I think you should think about that answer again."

Did say that he would call about getting a dorm room (as he knows that I will be calling his superiors about her living with him) I said "that that does not solve your problem." Said bye and hung up!!

I did call him back and said I do give you credit for getting a dorm room, and will be calling your first shirt to verify that.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo what do you think? I was so mad Saturday night and it was late so came here to vent and get input and we were down. Was even madder then!!!!!I went through all day yesterday trying to just let the Lord have the problem and not to let it dwell on me. (did pretty good with that)

Did I handle it the right way? Is there something I should of said or done differently or in addition to? How do I proceed from here? The frustration level that I am hearing in this man is un-real, perhaps he is coming to the bottom?

Feedback people, I need feedback!!!!Please!!

So glad that we are back up and running!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi, daybreak. What a frustrating situation. Sometimes you just gotta wonder "What in the world was he thinking?" Why would he have OW move in when he knew his kids would be coming to his home within a couple weeks? Duh!

Seems to me the only reasonable solution would be for OW to leave -- preferably forever <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , but at least while the kids are there. To a hotel, Motel 6, with friends...whatever. If she can't afford it, that's just tough. Life is hard.

I'm glad you're sticking to your guns on this "cohabitation" issue. Your children DON'T need to have that added to their plates. So unfair of him to consider it.

I hope this works out well. BTW, is OW in the military, too? That happens ALOT - believe me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Lori

Dawn,

Its good you kept you cool and stayed strong on the co-hab issue. This is part of the reality the stbx will have to face. and the OW will have to face it too! She may be ready to start a "normal" life with you stbx but hasn't faced the reality he has kids and will have to take a lower priority from time to time.

Peace,

DRS

Thank you both for your responses, I'm sticking fast to the co-hab thing.

Ow is not military. She had lived in FL, what I don't get is she has 9 siblings, was living with one and it was a "bad situation" so she moved to UT, not another siblings? I think she pushed her self on STBX big time!!

He needs to see the consequences of his actions, that his two worlds have never been brought into this close proximety before!! He can't handle it!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

He talked to you for an hour and half and she's living with him? Won't that show up on his bill? Interesting...

It sounds as if he's afraid of ow. If she were a reasonable person and they had a reasonable relationship, he would simply explain the situation to her and she would find somewhere else to stay. I suspect that she's running the show there and telling him that you and your girls won't tell her where to stay. I suspect also that he's now seeing that all that glitters is not always gold.

He's over the biggest barrel...he's got 2 women who can destroy his career and he has more faith in you than her. I don't blame you for not allowing him to get out of this visit.

Just got an e mail from STBX and he wants to move girls visit back a week,mmmmmmmmmmm one daughter's flight lands Wed night. DUH!!!

Says that I can go legal on him and force him to move her out but there is not money for that either!!! Duh!! Get a job women!!! Ok she's only been there a week, hey I got a job and started work 2 days after I got here!!!

Says that I must think he is an idiot or worse, mmmmmmmmmmmm what would make him ask that?

Talked to the Lawyer, says the signing is all that is left unless the STBX's lawyer changed the wording or add something again!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Daybreak,
My H lived in the BOC for a few months. Once when he wanted the kids overnight, we switched, I went to the BOC & he stayed in the house.

Of course, I am a legal military dependent, with ID, but I was thinking, he could take OW to the dorm and she could stay there. Too bad she wouldn't have a vehicle, or be able to leave, like with a taxi (she's not officially there, can't verify for one through the gate), nor can she come back on base if found a way to leave, or go to the shopette (no ID for purchases) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I dunno, I don't mind the thought of her stranded illegally on a military installation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

She can move to Utah, but she doesn't have money to go to a hotel for a week?

Poor dingdang planning on her and your H's parts.

If you back down on this, you'll never get it back.

I am not backing down at all!!! The only solution that I see to his problem is for her not to be there.Period.

He truly has to see the consequences of his actions.

I looked for your e mail address and your phone number couldn't find either, as I wanted your input on how to effectively word things, I think I did ok though. And again today when he e mailed me, I am sure that that is so much easier for him. I will be calling the 1st shirt this afternoon, to verify, as I said I would. I can't imagine having to go to your 1st shirt and trying to explain the situation that he has gotten himself into and why your wife will be calling him. Can you imagine? Ask guard if he has ever had someone come into his office with such a story!!!

You want to take a road trip with me this weekend to Utah? What a way to spend my birthday!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

^^bump^^
For input please!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi,

You ask if you did things right... do you feel like you're operating from a position of better control? Sounds like it, at least to me... you're in a position to force him to live the natural consequences of his mess... sounds great to me!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

And yeah, talking for 90 minutes seems like he's both wanting and needing to talk to you... haha... you're not starting an A with him now, are you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yeah, I think holding firm at least sends a message about respecting your needs - and your agreements. If the Dv happens and you don't reconcile, obviously there'll be more challenges in the future, but respect will always be important for you.

Dawn,

Hey, I'm already here in Utah, so why not come stay with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You are handling this a whole lot better than I would. You shouldn't have to put up with your children having her there. He's not married to her, so she has no right and no say. Keep your chin up.

Don't forget that armour also comes with a sword for a weapon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> This is my theory: I can be the nicest person you know, hurt my kids and I'm the biggest hag you'll ever meet. Sometimes in order to protect ourselves and our children we have to be forceful and state how things will be--even if we think it sounds like to much.

My email is AJSCUSTOM@HOTMAIL.COM--if you ever need anything. "Smile-even when your heart is breaking" My prayers for your strength will be with you.

J.R., RAINEFALL,

Yes I do feel like I am dealing from a place of power, reconcillation is a dream and only that at this time. I could never get him to do the EN questionairre, but talking and sharing work was one that I did reconize. It hurt to talk so congineally (sp) for 90 min and then be smacked in the face with BTW she's here and na-na-na-na shes been here a week and you can't do anything about it!!!!!

The good part, I didn't have to do anything about it, he had to!! She is going to be in a month to month rental for a month and says that the girls will not have to deal with her or meet her. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm says to trust him!!! I did once 21 years ago, not again!! His 1st shirt told him flat out DO NOT CO-HABITATE!! DUH! Even says that he knew this and did it anyways!!! I do kindof feel sorry for her, she gets there and they are finally together and now she has to been hidden away, that would not make me feel very good, can't say that I would stay hidden!!!

The armour was on and I was really ready for a fight if need be, (still am) and didn't have to, consequences took of things for me, the way it was meant too!!

So today I wait and see what it is the Lord is to have done next in this saga.

I am proud of him for coming up with a good solution (really the only one) on his own and taking some responsibility for his mis-guided actions. BUT..........being the mom that I am, I did have a few back ups that would allow the girls to see and spend sometime with their father. That is the mom in me and nothing would change that.

RAINE, I will e mail you later this morning and let you know what it is that I am going to do!! Perhaps we can meet for lunch one day!!!

Thanks all for your support!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 30, 2002, 09:25 AM: Message edited by: daybreak ]</small>

(((( Dawn ))))

I always seemed to have big troubles that I needed to talk about when the system was down here. Look on the bright side though - it's a LOT better on MB than it used to be, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have one question that kept on popping into my head as I read through this thread: What do your kids want? How do THEY feel about all of this? Have you discussed these solutions with them?

Karen (okay.. so there are 3 questions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

<small>[ July 30, 2002, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: Topie25 ]</small>

Oh Dawn,
What a mess they have made of their lives and our lives.

My exH has had to hide his OW from the kids all last year...and they are living together in Lees Summit. One day my 16 year old and her friend stopped by. They surprised my H with a visit--actually to drop off some bills to him. Well, he made them wait at the door for a few minutes--they must have seen them walking up the stairs--anyway my daughter and her friend knew she was hiding in the bathroom (this was when he was denying that he was living with her.) The Olympics were on--so Mandy and her friend "decided" to take a seat and watch for an hour or so. She told me she would have stayed all night if Lauren didn't have to go home. The OW stayed in that bathroom for over an hour---I still laugh when I think about it. Gotta to love my daughter---she thinks pretty quickly.

I have written into my divorce that he may never have a person of the opposite sex over night unless they are married when the kids are there....of course he put that on me too---but that is the way it should be. Pretty uncomfortable for her when they spend some time up there....supposedly she has never spent the night....but the kids did say that they "sleep" a lot during the day. How yucky is that...makes me sick. If I ever find out that he has violated that court order....I will take him back to court. Hang in there.....

PS...I wish I had turned in my H's affairs when he was in the military....I could have started my life over much sooner and wouldn't feel so used right now...besides he needed to learn that he wasn't above the rules and regulations. Obviously, he thought he was...and it has devastated us. Take care Pat

Karen and Pat,

Thank you both for the support. I did talk with the 1st shirt and asked if he would try to get STBX some help as he has had a lot of stress in his life this past year and a half. Also told me if I wanted to push the matter of adultery I would have to have a confession or proof (pics), said I really didn't want to do that at this time, and I don't. But STBX did not tell this person face to face did it through e mail, reasoning that they were both busy. STBX has not had to see the reaction on peoples faces as he tells them what he has done, cowardice?

As far as the girls go, the oldest said "I will not go there if she is there" then she said "Mom I'm suppose to get in there at 11 pm probably be tired , go to bed, dad will have to work the next morning, and when I get up that other person is going to be there" UGH!! I had to tell the youngest one the reason that we are going through this divorce and such, said that her father was weak and while he was in Korea he let a friendship get out of control and now he wants to be with her and not me, so least she has a clue. I said that it really wasn't my place to tell her these things and that she will have to ask her dad any questions that she has, was really ok with all of this. Asks a lot the last 2 days if I am ok. She is so sweet and I hat to see her hurt or have bad feelings about her dad!!

The 1st shirt gave me the name of the rental he suggested to STBX said it wasn't too bad!!! STBX was thinking that he would give up his apartment and let her stay there and move my girls to this other place, UGH!! I said no they are coming to your home to visit with you!! Sometimes I feel like am I pushing to much or being to B1<the, Am I?

I just want to protect my girls and keep a good image of their father alive for them. So maybe that is why I am pushing for him to do the right thing. Never wanting them to be children of divorce I guess I want to protect them from the hurt. Hard to explain and probably not very rational.

STBX hasn't called yet today with name and number of rental that I can call to verify that he has an agreement. Says to trust him, said get me the number!! So will see what tonight brings.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dawn -

It looks like I'm a little late answering the post - haven't been around a computer much lately.

I know what you are going through with STBX.

They are selfishly choosing OW and current bad lifestyle over their children, and as their mother it breaks your heart. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am searching my heart and mind for some earth shattering answer, and this is what I have come up with.

This all goes back to what you can control and what you can't. Let's look at the situation. Is there anything that you can do - realistically - to make things the way you want them? If the answer is yes, then do those things, and know that you're doing them for your chidren's sake and that STBX is just a hopeless case right now.

And if there is nothing that you can do, then review your options - do you want kids to see STBX - if yes, then do you want kids to see STBX even with OW there - if no, then ask, is there anything that can be done? If yes, do it, if no then go back to question where doe you want kids to see STBX if OW is there.

My ExH is currently living with OW and her kids. He has officially replaced me with her as the mom and wife in his new life in less than a year.

The kids know that this is not right, but they, and I also know that this is reality.

I spent alot of time trying to keep my kids from the reality of ExH. The bottom line is that if STBX is going to continue on this path then it's time to move from defense to offense.

It's time to make your house a HOME for your kids. A safe and comfortable place for them to be. A place that teaches them what is right from wrong, a place where they are shown love and attention and a place that helps them grow.

It may be time to stop putting out fires and learn to live with the reality of the situation and just let them go to STBX's house. Let STBX tell them why the situation is the way it is. Let the kids know the pain of OW being picked over them. Maybe is will make STBX think. Maybe it will make OW think. Maybe is will make the kids think - think about not doing this to someone when they are older.

Yes, as moms we know that if the STBX was doing the right thing, then the kids wouldn't be hurt, but since STBX is in the fog, he will hurt kids.

And because we can't prevent this, we do what we CAN, and that is to be there to pick up the pieces.

Someone posted this story to me and I think it applies here.

This person was abused by their parents as a child, and would pray to God to remove them from that situation. Well God didn't. And that person strayed from the church. Well now that person is back in the church and understands now why they were allowed to go through what they went through, and they are a much stronger committed person to God than they might have been.

By suffering we are brought closer to God. That's the way it works. I didn't make the rules, and by all accounts we should all be saints, and maybe we are.

Just look into your heart and do what feels right for you and for the kids. You may not be ready to accept things. If not, then continue to do what you can for as long as you can. But eventually, you'll have to make a decision about whether to take a strong stand against what's happening and be willing to follow through or you will have to accept what is going on and deal with it.

As I write this post, I am also writing to myself.

I too have to make a choice about where I will stand, and I have to have faith and trust in God that if I pray for wisdom and understanding that He will give it to me. God is Good and He wants what is best for us. Sometimes we forget that in all the pain, but it's then that we need to step back, clear our minds and let God lead the way. He'll send you answers. You'll see. Just keep asking - perserere in prayer.

Hope this helps?!?!?!?

I'll be praying that you make the right decision.

K

GIIC,

I pray and ask for guidance on a regular basis. Everytime I close my eyes I pray for Gods will to be done. I have a F.R.O.G. bracelt on that I have had on for 4 years, and I do fully rely on God to take care of me and this situation and He is. He is awesome!! I also have a green dot that pastor gave everyone reminding us to pray, also have one on the mirror in the car.

I posted this once and had done such a good job sharing my thoughts and lost it with some filter key setting thing!!

Anyways the thought was that I am feeling pretty good thru this last episode, and empowered too.

I didn't have to do anything and things were taken care of.

I didn't want OW in STBX's apartment......she is moving to a month to month rental.

I wanted STBX to have to solve his own problem without input from me............he did and made the right choice.

I wanted STBX's superiors to know of the situation......he had to tell and explain the mess he got himself into.

I wanted D's to get to spend their scheduled time with dad.......when push come to shove he found away.

I don't want D's to have to deal with OW on this visit, this is to be their time with dad, OD leaves in Jan to go into AF, so this is her one and only visit as a child......STBX says she will not be introduced to D's, I believe him on this.

I want STBX to see what his happiness is costing all of those involved in this.......the OW is having to be hidden away.

I want him to be uncomfortable with his 2 worlds......he will be, D's in one apartment and OW in another on other side of town.

Patience is what I believe this was all about. The Lord kept saying "back off, stop planning, let me take care of this for you." He did, and so well too!! I know I still have the actual visit to go thru yet. But prayer will help, I know!!!

The girls know that if they do not want to meet her they don't have to and if she shows up, out of aggrevaition of being hidden away, they call, I pick up.

I thank you for all the great words, my kids are a little older then yours, and that probably helps in some ways and hinders in others, but the 2 oldest are old enough to take care and protect themselves from what it is their father is doing, I still want to wrap the youngest in a cocoon and not have her image of daddy blown, not something I can control, I know, but I can push for him to do the right thing.

Good night!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Dawn,

I apolgize for being so long in replying.

So your STBX could meet his Maker with a clear conscience. Hummm. If only WS could step outside themselves and see what they are doing without the fog. I think that most would be horrified.

First, I think that you behaved admirably in your dealings with STBX. For goodness sakes, he is so deluded. That is one of the really frustrating things about dealing with WS. You are trying to react logically with a person whose thinking is illogical. I think that God Is In Control has a good approach to making a decision about what to do, an IF/THEN set of choices.

One thing I've learned is that you can't make relationship decisions based on what the other person's potential is. Rather, you have to deal with what the reality is. That is what you have done.

As it is set now, STBX is renting an apt to stay in while the girls are with him, and OW will be at his place? At least he has had to do some creative thinking to take care of a situation that he created by letting OW move in. Your kids are smart. They will see him struggling with an uncomfortable situation. You know he has to be so stressed with the kids, and his superior officer knowing of the mess he has made. To be frank, it makes him look foolish.

I feel bad for your daughters. He has surely made a bad situation worse. I agree with the probability that OW is putting pressure on him, and he is too weak to resist. Pretty pathetic, isn't it, and the kids are caught in the middle. That is what makes me mad. Because they are older, they know what is going on, yet I'm sure that they love their dad. I hope that their father can be unselfish and put his personal situation aside for a few days and concentrate on them, especially since OD will be off to college and on her way to be on her own.

BTW, the order for no cohabitation is an absolute necessity. You have to be tough on that. You are so right that he has to deal with the consequences of his choices. That's life.

Isn't it ironic how an idealic, fantasy relationship comes crashing down into painful reality. They create their own hell.

Let us know how things go.
Estes

<small>[ August 04, 2002, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</small>

You did a great job! Way to stick to what you want! OW could live under a bridge for all you care....she should not be with your daughters.

Good Job!!!! Stat as strong as you are!!!

Max

Bump for Dawn. ^^^^^^