Thanks for the posts guys and gals. I am beginning to see the light in what you all are saying. I wanted so much to believe my wife would come through this. To believe in her again. but it appears that she is indeed lost in the fog. And her destructive behavior is destroying my family, my health, my financial stability and my children. not to mention, it is destroying herself.

My issue with the OM is that he gets to waltz in, take what he wants, what belongs to me, and destroy my wife, my kids, my family and my home, and he gets no penalty. no justice. maybe my wife does end up with him. And from what I have seen, she kissed his *** for 6 months during the A, something she has never done. i know she doesnt want to fail again, so she will put everything she has into making it work. He will be pleased. Do I think they will last? not in the long run. but I can easily see her leading to marriage and a few years together because she will endure anything to try to make it work. And he gets abeautiful woman with new boobs, a $60,000 a year nurse starting next summer (almost twice what he makes), my kids half time (but i doubt he wants to deal with them...doesnt even take care of his own, except financially).

Nahhh....I see this guy getting everything he wants. then getting bored with it and canning her. He got divorced two years ago when his high school sweatheart, who he was married to for 7-9 years i believe, left him for another man. So, he knows this route. maybe my WW is somebody he can insert to get his life back, as well as my kids. And from what i know, he gets a better model than what he had. plus, dont forget the money she brings in to him.

No, I want justice and i dont see it happening. I dont see many GOOD options that I have either for getting it with him. I am getting angrier though, mainly because of what is happening to my kids. This is not good and cant end up good.

anyway, here is the Plan B letter I drafted today. please critique it so i can send it maybe tomorrow. My WW should have gotten served the divorce papaerwork today. My life is definitely taking another downward turn.

Plan B letter (draft):

My wife K,

This is a difficult letter for me to write…one that I have been mentally working on for days now. I have written this letter with the true love that only a husband can have for a wife. Please read every word I have written…it is from the heart.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the loss of our marriage. I neglected your needs and failed to give you what you needed many times. I'm sure this helped create a voice in our marriage that allowed your affair to happen. But believe me, whenever you hurt, so do I. Although I have always loved you with my heart and soul, I made you feel that everything was more important to me than you. It NEVER was the case, but that is how I made you feel, and for that WW, I am so very sorry. I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I want to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I feel I have been learning ways to again be the type of man I hope you would be proud to call your husband, as I have so many times felt much pride in calling you my wife. I so want to put the past behind us, and build a better life together…for us and our family.

While I accept responsibility for my part in the fall of our marriage, I will no longer accept responsibility for your part. I think you need to take this time to face your demons, as I have faced mine, and figure out what you want. I can't control what you do, nor will I try to change you anymore. I have realized that I can't do that and I accept that. I'm sorry if I hurt you because of it. I realize I have to take care of me now. I can only control me and change myself. Only you can control and change you, if you choose to. I KNOW our love still exists. I know you want to be a Godly woman again. But it is you that must find that out now.

The past 10 months have been difficult for me…the most emotionally traumatic in my life. We seemed to start recovery, only to slip and fall again. I am still feeling the hurt and pain when I don't know where you are or who you are with. We have somehow misplaced our foundation of trust and respect, love and friendship.

The direction that I must go now is not one of choice, but of necessity. In the past I endured hurt and pain. I now see it only drains my love for you. Added to this fact, the choices you have made since you started this affair continue to be poor ones, and have adversely affected all of us. Our children are now suffering emotionally, as well as financially, because of these choices. Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will be having no communication with you (except regarding the family) and I will avoid seeing you. This is not to punish you…it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there will be nothing left of this incredible love I have for you. And I cannot bear to think that I would ever not love you.

Since it is you that wants to leave, I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. If you need to contact me, please do so through email (me@AOL.com) or leave a message at (703) xxx-xxxx. Any emergency involving the kids, or yourself, you can of course contact me directly and immediately.

Since January, I have been trying to give you hope for our marriage by learning how to be a better husband to you. WW, as you know, I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. It simply cannot happen until your relationship with OM ends. I want us to work together, and create our new marriage together. God wants this also. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. It is fixable. God made you in your mother's womb for me, just as I was made for you. With God's help, our true healing can begin. God has promised us this marriage and promised us reconciliation. You only have to have faith and to give Him a chance. You asked several weeks ago for a miracle or sign from Him. It WILL come, but will require you stepping forward on faith first. Look inside yourself and find the strength we will need to do this.

I understand how difficult this all is for you. I will make every effort to provide you with comfort and support, should you want to try to save our marriage. With a competent counselor and a little time, I am sure that we will be able to find what we are looking for and what has been missing.

I do not want this divorce. I want to be your husband, in every sense of the word. I want to hold you again, talk with you, laugh with you and even cry with you. I want us to continue to share in the joy that we have had in raising those three awesome kids. I want to grow old with you. As much as I want all of this, you have made it clear that you don't want these things, and as long as you feel this way, I cannot be a part of your life…it is simply too painful. As always, I will continue to be the best father I can be to our three children and do whatever is necessary to insure their happiness through all of this.

You are the only person I have allowed myself to love so deeply. I loved you more than life itself when God brought us together, and I continue to do so as I write this. Perhaps even more! I have spent my whole life loving you, WW. The first 29 years I spent looking for you and the last almost 10 years, I have loved you as your husband. We may have had our problems, but we also created 8 years of history, WW. Eight years of love, of family life, of memories. Good memories. What is needed now is for you to recognize that, to recognize that we can make this a new marriage, one with all of the promise of the past, as well as a future free from the problems you and I have created. One where we are a family again, both for you and I, and for our children. And once we do that, our love will come back again, stronger than we have ever known or thought possible.

I cannot imagine a life without you, without hearing your voice, without being there for you when you need me, without our family. But I know that for my love for you to survive and have a possibility to be there when you call me and say that you want to come home (YOUR home!), then I must protect that love at all costs.

I will run to the phone every time it rings in the hope that it is you wanting to come home. My heart will jump every time the doorbell rings in anticipation of you coming home. This is your home when you are ready for it. It is safe, and full of love. You are unconditionally accepted here. You are family here. It is WW's home!

WW, I do not know what the future holds for us…that is in God's hands. I know that I want to grow old with you. When I said "I DO," I made a promise in front of God, you, our families and friends for life. Through better or worse.

Our marriage, our life, our family is now in God's hands. I will love you always!

Love,
Your husband and the ONLY man truly in love with you,
Mortarman

OM...I love WW with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance. Her three children and I wait for her return home, where she belongs.

Mortarman,

What the heck are you thinking Boy??? You don't send a plan B letter after having her served with divorce papers. It won't make any sense to her nor anyone else. You have served her with the ultimate in Plan B's, DIVORCE.

As for the OM getting what is yours, first you didn't and don't own your W. She isn't yours to keep or give away. She has chosen him and she is getting divorced so she can be with him and not you. Face that fact. As of the OM having a great time, well he might, but not if he falls in love with her. He cannot meet her needs for money. 60K is not alot of money and it won't change her life style much. He will be an anchor around her neck if he is making 1/2 of what she is.

Mortarman, you have filed for divorce. You say you want to protect your children. You realize she doesn't love you and simply wants whatever money she can get from you. And then you worry about OM winning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You are joking right??? He isn't winning anything except a set of silcon boobs. Take if from an older more experienced man. Plastic in her chest won't make her anymore of a woman than she is, and it sure as heck won't fix her character nor her insecurities.

Work on yourself, and taking care of the children. Finish up that career if you are indeed career, and move on. If plastic is all you need, then just realize about any woman can be made to look differently with a little or lot of plastic, but it doesn't change her heart, or her character, or the things that really count. So if plastic is all that is required, any woman will do. If you want more than that quit worrying about her boob job. She will have a hard time explaining to the judge how she is so hard up for money but can go get this done. It is probably a good fraction of a semesters tuition I would guess.

Mortarman, you have filed. It is over, start to work on other things in your life, not your W.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Mortar,

I’m certainly glad to hear from you but not so much about the events you have been experiencing the past several days.

Please remember that most of us here feel the tearing pain you feel. We know how it feels and that’s why you are here, you are trying to cope. Who better to turn to than people that know exactly where you are in your nightmare. Please do not question why you are here, it may not seem like it at this moment but MB helps!

It sounds like you had some pretty solid advice from Steve and at this point it does sound as though she is very deep in the fog. The only thing that is positively sure in this whole saga is that eventually it will lift, but the "question of the day" is, will it be in time for you and your family?

I’ve said it before, except for minor variances, when I read your posts I drift back a little over one year ago when I was going through EXACTLY the same experiences. “My attorney was preparing D paperwork with sole custody, she was not living with us, she did “not seem” to care about her children or family at all, we were in financial ruins, I was accused of being vengeful because she was seeking happiness which "could not be had" with me, she knew I would try to take the kids and use the kids, she knew I would not support her, I am the most abusive S_B that ever lived and no happiness could ever be had with me” - need I go on?

It is “deep in the fog talk” and there is not too much that can be done until it lifts. Anything (and I do mean anything) can start that process. My WW came home one morning and said, "that was it," she was going with him and she even told the kids while we were all together. She told them, “she found someone better that could provide happiness for her and them.” Make me want to barf! I sat and listened in disbelief and outraged I’m sure similar to how you felt. The one thing she said that struck me funny was, “she was going to be radically honesty with me.” Our kids cried, hell, we all cried. It was the biggest nightmare day of my life. I told her, “go, that the only way she could find out about this lying ba?#@*d was to go - be with him.” I also said that legal ramifications will fall where they will but (according to several attorneys’s I talked with agreed that family courts in IL DO NOT always grant custody to the mother ESPECIALLY when infidelity is involved and BAD decisions have been made) I told her to GO!

This was all happening by 10 – 11am, by 1:00pm she was talking to the OM’s W and by 3pm for the first time in months I felt a little happiness myself. It finally happened – "a high wind moved in" and cleared at least the dense fog allowing at least some visibility. It was our new starting point!

When I look back to that day, it was a combination of events that took place. I cannot put my finger on the one thing. Was it a realization that I might get legal custody or finally I said a word or words that finally sank in? Your guess is as good as mine. Sometimes I still try to examine the “why’s” of that day. I conclude to one thing, HE heard my prayers!!!

There was one thing that was NEVER taken from me – Hope and Determination! Mortar, I hear this same thing in you and I do not want you too lose it.

I do not want to take away from this forum in the least but I am hoping you would e-mail me as I would like to discuss some very specific and similar occurrences that I just am not comfortable with in public forum. Please e-mail at makingithruthis@hotmail.com - I hope I will hear from you…

MITT

MITT,

Thanks for the words and prayers. You dont know how it is helping. I will email you tonight.

Everyone, I just finished my Plan B letter, which i hope you will critique. And my wife just called, saying she enjoyed being with me, and the kids, last night. she is to pick up the kids after baseball practice tonight and keep them tonight and tomorrow. She asked me to come over for dinner with them.. What should I do? i am trying to go to Plan B, but is this part of her confusion...an opportunity? or will this confuse our kids, make them think by me being there, having dinner, laughing it up, that i somehow condone all of this?

I need immediate help on this one guys and gals.

Thanks in advance!!

This is such a hard time. You do need to protect yourself legally. I am not an attorney but I have a BA in criminal justice I work closely with family court. I have a couple of suggestions for you. First please make sure your attorney is a family law attorney, a general practioner is ok but a family attorney is excellent. Also dont think it will be a walk in the park to get sole custody. It is difficult and family court is sometimes like a different planet. What is plain to us is not to a family court judge. Specifically what has transpired between you and your wife is generally not relevant to the custody procedings. I mean the fact that she has left you and her children is not an automatic you win. I have seen drug addicts moms when joint visitation. A useful tool is a non emotional journal concerning your children, your interaction with them, and their mothers interaction with them. Not judgemental just matter-of-fact. For example...took eldest child to practice. Mom called at 9:00 am talked to all three children until 9:30. etc. Speak to your childrens' pediatrition. Notate any behavior or appetite changes. You dont want the court to percieve you as a scorned man who is looking to punish his bad wife. Although this is obviously not the case you need proof on your side. Utilize every tool you have, character witnesses, church friends etc. to illustrate the stability you offer your children. Make it clear to the court that you want to give every opprotunity to their mother to be a mother to them...you just need to be the one in control.
At this point you are living through a death of sorts. The woman you married is not there. It is doubly hard because there is a woman walking around out there with her body, her face, her voice but she is not your bride. This new woman made all these choices herself and although she could return to the woman she once was she will be forever changed. Because if she ever comes to a place where she can see anyone but herself she will be horrified by her actions. She is so far gone she has diluted herself into believing God condones her actions. I know it is hard to walk two different paths, to separate emotion from common sense but now you must. Justice will come but it is not the kind of justice we wish for. It will come from the children you are raising now...the times you have held them through tears, laughed with them, and made them toe the line...here is your justice.
Also please consider that you owe her nothing at this point. To the woman you married you gave everything a husband should give and then some. You provided for her financially, emotionally and physically. You gave her a home, your name, you made her a mother (the greatest gift a husband and wife can give each other...parenthood). You gave her every opprotunity to renew her marriage. You even looked at yourself and tried to address the things you should improve to rebuild the marriage. Dont think that well she gave me 8 good years I owe her something. You owed your wife when she was a wife...now she is a different woman and your wife in name only. You did not force her to this. She made her own choices. Do not let her take your pension, do not provide benefits for her. Remove her from every life insurance policy, stock, bank account you have...enter your children as beneficiaries. Change your will...name guardiens for your children. A divorce decree does not automatically change these things. I know these are the last things you want to think of now but you do owe somebody...you owe your kids.
I know everyone on here discourages male/female interaction but I do know lots of lawyers...So if you ever do want to ask me a specific question or get feedback on any issue I would be happy to assist you. You can email me or ask me here if you want. Or not at all. I just wanted to offer.I dont know what state in which you live but generally some of the things I have mentioned are of highest priority across the board legally speaking.
You continue to be in my prayers. ayslyne@yahoo.com

Wow!

She's not making this easy on you AT ALL!!!!

One minute she's off, the next minute it's let's get together. I "see her" as being very torn up about this also. She is probably every bit as confused as you are but you're both 180 degrees off. The vacillation is a good sign only because I think it shows she's unsure herself of the right direction. I think she is searching... I know most here will not agree with me but, if it were me (and this is only me), I would go. As I indicated in my last post you never know when your "wind" will come in.

The other reason I would go is that everytime you are with her is time when, A) it drives the OM NUTS, or B) she's lying to him also. It is strategic opportunity!

I don't think you two being together effects the kids negatively at this point. After all, you two are their foundation. Plan B will be "sort of" be taking that away from them.

I think I would consider it "my last shot at Plan A."

I look forward to hearing from you...

MITT

Mortarman,

Go if you wish. You are not in plan B yet. But, I think you need to make your letter shorter and more to the point. You love her, you cannot stand the OM in her life, you want plan b to protect your love. It is that simple. An apology for your part in the marriage is also warrented.

Yet, with all of this, I don't see the sense of this. You have filed for divorce and it will happen unless she changes.

Have a good time, smile, don't discuss relationships, and know that it is over unless she decides to change. I somehow suspect you are being set up, so keep you eyes and ears open.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Mortar,
I agree with both MITT and Just learning. Go, use this time to plan A. She may be confused, but use caution. Don't talk about the R, OM or D. If she tries, change the subject on her to a neutral subject

(((((((mortarman)))))))

I dont usually hug another man, but hey you deserve it. I hear and feel all the pain you are going through. You are a soldier. Keep your head and spirits up. Detach from her now or I see a path of more pain and suffering. Work and focus on you and the kids. You have done a lot of good for her and so far you are still not successful - I feel you may want to change your approach. Its time for a 180 - enuff is enuff.

Hi Mortarman,

Regarding your plan B letter: the words and sentences dont match a) the fact that you served her with D papers, and, b) your feelings as you share them here on this forum.

So, I would draft another one, along different lines alltogether, really. I mean, having read your story, your emotions, knowing you filed, and reading the thing - it doesnt stack up, does it.

Tell her simply, matter-of-factly:
- you need a break from HER
- as long as she is acting like that, you cant bring up the energy to look after her, fulfill her needs
- as long as she does what she does, you're grinding yourself down, it hurts you too much.... the more because you still have feelings for her (see comment below). if you didnt care, it would just be so much easier. but you do care
- it's her choice
- in any case, you want & wish the family to be back
- that you still have feelings for her (careful about the L word... can you still say you Love her?? dont say it if you dont mean it. maybe 'feelings' is more appropriate here? but that's a cultural thing. you americans love everything and everybody)
- that you are waiting for her decision, a solid plan and committment for moving on
- if not, it's bye bye

So much about plan B letter. In short, cut through the bull, say what you have to say, straight and true.

With regard to 'her coming around for dinner'. Do now plan B, really. You've been taken for a ride once too often. You sound pretty low on energy now. Protect yourself. Tell her - No, thanks.

<small>[ August 21, 2002, 04:29 AM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

Your letter was very moving but I dont know if it would have that sort of affect on your wife. At this point I worry for you because it is hard to see things clearly. So I just try to stick to the facts. Things we know...she lies, she is being selfish, she needs money, she is aware of how lost you are (although it doesnt phase her as it would have when she was the woman you married). I say go with the odds. You've bent over backward for her just to be used-to help her set up her singles pad for the OM...taking the money for cosmetic surgery...raising her children. You said she has not made one good decision. I agree. And I dont think this waivering is a sign she is seeing the light. Making the OM jealous may be a factor...or they may be in collusion, he may be saying to her "get his guard down so you can take him to the cleaners". I know this is purely conjecture but it definitely fits her pattern of selfish behavior. And I give no credit to the OM. You have been used before so if you interact with her on this level be it now or in the future...please try to use your best judgement. I know you want to save your marriage and I really pray for a miracle. She doesnt know the pain she is causing everyone including herself. But at this point she is the one who has to do the work. You have to protect yourself, emotionally and practically (ie financailly, custody etc)...You and your family continue to be in my prayers

Thanks guys and gals!!! your support and advice have helped me through this minefield without too much damage.

Last night, my WW showed up at the baseball field to pick up the kids for the night, and to have me come with her to her place for dinner. She was in a very good mood, and kept getting very close to me (almost in my face) as she talked to me about her day, etc. She asked if I was going to come over. well, I just couldnt do it. She seemed to be so happy, she kept getting close enough that I thought she wanted me to kiss her. So, I asked what's up? she wanted to know what I meant. I asked her if anything had changed between her and me, or her and OM. she said "Uh, oh. Here it comes." I told her that her mood and all of that did not bely what was going on. Here I was divorcing her, she is commiting adultery still, her kids are a mess, and she is bopping around me like everything is just great, like before the affair. She again said she didnt know what she was doing, that she wasnt going to be pressured into coming back. She said she still loves me, that she even told the OM that she still loves me. but she said that love isnt enough. that there is a lot of anger and pain there. i told her that she knows better, that she knows right from wrong. and if she indeed does love me, that we can find our way through this. She said we have tried before, only to fail. I told her then she is giving up...that she is not confused at all.

I then told her that I wasnt going, and in fact, cannot be around her anymore, as long as she is with the OM and not working on our marriage. She said "What happened? I thought we have had a great couple of days, that we were connecting and getting along." I said that was precisely the problem. We are getting along well (cant she see that we would get along even better, that this would be permanent if she would get her head pulled out of her ***?). but, getting along well is not possible when I am just some friend, while she is starting up her relationship with the OM again. She said that she does love me, that she is concerned because I am not eating or sleeping well. She even got some drugs yesterday for me (I didnt take them from her) and said dinner was her effort to try to help take care of me. I told her sleeping and eating were not my problem, and that if she truly cared about me and loved me, she wouldnt be doing this. That was met with silence.

Guys and gals, when the A was going on while I was in Bosnia, I was meeting most of her needs. He was meeting a couple. Now he is stepping up and taking on some financial needs, while I have stopped. but still, her need for conversation with me, family, etc she still wants even now. As one of you wrote, she is a cake eater. their relationship has never stood on its own. I have always been there. That is why I agree with all of you and cut off all contact. Without doing that, she would live in this "best of all worlds" scenario, where both of us meet her needs.

I still am confused on what to do about the OM. He has helped destroy and dishonor my family, my wife and my kids. God gave my wife to me, just as I to her. Only He can really take her away. But this guy is going to keep her in a perpetual state of sin and I cannot protect her. but I have to find someway to protect my kids from her, and especially from him. And, there has to be some justice for him for what he has done. the damage he has helped cause and he gets to just do what he pleases with no consequences...this I cannot stomach.

Anyway, I look forward to your replies and again, thanks for your help. I live in very dangerous times right now.

In His arms.

<small>[ August 21, 2002, 09:02 AM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

MITT,

tried to email you but didnt go thru. try emailing me.

userjay8367@aol.com

^^^ a friendly bump

Hi Motarman,

Do nothing about OM. There is nothing you can do. I know, the hardest thing to do.

I personally would not comment on her behavior or your R with her or her R with OM. If she wants to come back, let her say so. By talking about R, it is putting pressure on her. I know it does not seem that way but it is. I pick up on that she loves you, she feels guilty about the A. When you talk about your R with her and her R with OM, that is pressure because of the guilt.

How I come up with this is, I ended a long term R with a guy I was engaged to because he is an alcoholic, refused to quit and get help, when he was drunk he was abusive. When I ended it, he went into treatment, thinking that would get me back. He would call me and talk about how he is getting better, he would talk about us, and I felt like I was being pressured into coming back to him. The pressure got so bad that I finally told him to back off, and get out of my life. Now, had he just gone in for treatment because he realized that he had a problem, concentrated on improving himself, I might have come back. But he would not leave the subject of us alone. I felt guilty for ending the R, especially because he was down on his luck (granted it was of his own making). Does this help to clarify the pressure stuff.

What I would do it, if she behaves as she did with you, just ignore it at this point. Don't take it to mean anything. Let her be the one to say, hey, what is up. On the plus side, she realizes that she does love you. While OM is in the picture, you really cannot do anything obvious to improve things with you and your W. Now, by just being yourself and not concentrating on the R, she may want to come back on her own. If you keep bringing up the sujbect, you are delaying her return, because she is being resistant. She may not even realize that she is.

I know I have related this story to you, but 6 or 7 years ago, when my H left me with 2 small children, for 6 mo, I kept after him about us. Every time he came over, I asked him where our R stood. Did he want it to work. After I stopped totally talking and asking, that is when he started coming around. When he did little things that made it appear that he wanted us back, I didn't question him about it. I let him be the one to question me. When I moved, that is what really scared him that I was moving on without him. I didn't do any of this with the intent of getting him back. By this time, I had decided it was time to make a life for me and the kids that did not incude him. Next thing I know, he is talking about us buying a house. At this point I told him (we were not married at the time) that there was no way I would live with him again unless we were married). What I am saying is, when I eased off of the questions about our relationship, he started coming around and wanting to be with me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mortarman:
<strong>

I still am confused on what to do about the OM. He has helped destroy and dishonor my family, my wife and my kids. God gave my wife to me, just as I to her. Only He can really take her away. But this guy is going to keep her in a perpetual state of sin and I cannot protect her. but I have to find someway to protect my kids from her, and especially from him. And, there has to be some justice for him for what he has done. the damage he has helped cause and he gets to just do what he pleases with no consequences...this I cannot stomach.

In His arms.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MM<

I know you are furious at this man, rightfully so, but you are directing your anger at the wrong party. He stole nothing - it was handed to him. Your wife came to him WILLFULLY and gave him access to her and your life. It is not him that is keeping her in sin, but *HER.* By choice. However, there is a big difference between your relationship between him and your relationship with HER. And that is that SHE made vows to you, he didn't. He is not violating any vows, she is.

As far as punishment, just remember what it says in the Bible, MM, and God said "vengeance is MINE." He will pay, don't worry.

God Bless, Mortarman, and I am so sorry you find yourself in this hellish nightmare.

Sue: Point well taken. Very hard to keep from talking about us. Trying to Plan B right now because of this, as well as I think I have reached my limit in being around her, everyone acting nice and having fun, but knowing the "real deal." she is just doing so much damage now. The woman I knew before 9/11 would have never tolerated any of this. now she is a victim and hellbent on heading in this direction. what keeps her going this way? Fear of things going back to the way they were? Fear of losing OM? Fear of having to face up to the fact to me, her children and our friends and family that she screwed up? Fear that to come back would mean that "I win" and that she has been oh so wrong? By the way, she has said this before...that coming back is me winning. What the heck do I win? If she isnt coming back because of love, commitment, family, etc, what do I win? Even if she does come back for those reasons, I don't "win." She seems to be so stuck in the fact that I do not get my way, that she is not "under my thumb." What she seems to be ignoring is that has NEVER been the case, and it is her pride that is keeping her in this mess and keeping her from coming home.

Melody: I know you are right. The infantry soldier in me wants to conduct offensive operations on him, if you know what I mean. It is so hard to watch my children miss their mom, to ask questions like my 8 year old daughter did last night ("Dad, why is Mom back with the OM? Isn't that wrong? Isn't God mad?"). Or when my 4 year old son wakes up with nightmares, is wetting his bed again, etc because Mom is not home. I so want to protect them, for the three of them to get some sort of justice with him. i know their Mom is mostly responsible here. But the justice will come to her. In fact, it already is. The changes in the view of our children in respects to their mom will be permanent if she doesnt change her course soon. She is going to lose the status with them she so carefully cultivated for all of their lives. They now see her as flawed and failed. Thsy see her teachings of God, of Jesus, of right and wrong, of marriage, of love, to be nothing more than stories. And it is not me telling them these things. I have tried to hold them together, to keep the illusion that the family is still intact and that Mom will come through this. But my kids are not stupid. Some of the things I have heard out of my daughter's mouth have been downright profound. Out of the mouthes of babes...!! Anyway, she is destroying everything she has so carefully built over the last 10 years. She is destrpying the only man that truly loves her and would do anything for her, including die for her. There are no limits to me, unlike the OM, which she has told me many things that he just will not allow or do for her. She is destroying her children and their childhood, taking away their family, their home, their faith, their belief in marriage, commitment and unconditional love. love that endures all. I mean to them, Dad and mom are family, just as much as they are. If Mom can stop loving Dad, if Mom can love someone else and leave, then why not them? And all of the time spent with them in her new place and trying to love them up, will not change that view in their head.

I know she is in the fog. And it is her fault she is there. But the fog is being blown in by the OM. I want so much for him to know our pain, to know that my three children have lost their family and their futures because he doesnt care what he does or who he hurts. As long as he can have what he wants. The same goes for my wife right now. she says she loves her children. And I know she does! But, at the same time, she is unwilling to be the responsible parent, to make decisions in their best interests. Instead, it is about her and her finding happiness with the OM. At the expense of her children.

I asked her one time why she couldnt give this one more chance, why she couldnt try to find out if things have truly changed. what could it hurt? If it hasnt, then she just wasted maybe 6 months of her life. But if it is true, then she can save her life, her family, and her faith. She said she would lose any self-respect she has (notice the concentration on self!!!). But what she really means is that she will lose the OM, that he will move on, just as he was starting to do when she decided to move out. So, this loser, who makes less than half as much as I do, who is not the father of her children, who is not her husband and joined to her by God, who has no history with her (save the last year of sin, adultery, lies, deceit, heartache, etc), who is not her family, who cares nothing about the destruction of her children, and really...if you get down to it, cars nothing about her because he is willing for her to lose everything she has ever valued (God, kids, family, respect, honor, character, etc) so that he can be with her. She is someone to fill the void left by his ex-wife leaving him for another man two years ago. to fill the pieces back in. All at the expense of me, and more importantly my children. And at the expense of my wife's relationship with God, with her children, with her friends and family, with her standing in the community, and with her future. He is willing for her to go through the rest of her life with the pain of the loss of her marriage, of the pain of failing her children, of the pain of failing God, of the pain of losing out on her best hope for happiness. What they both do not understand is that now, instead of 5 people in our family, there are now six. And he doesnt belong. god knows that. My kids know that. Does she think that my children will just welcome him with open arms after what he has done to their family, to their mother, to their father???

You know, it was interesting yesterday. I went and joined a new gym yesterday, the best one in northern virginia (and one my wife always talked about joining). And I bought the family package, instead of single, because I still have faith that she will come back. After that I went test driving a new convertible (her dream car) because my (our?!?!) financial situation is starting to turn around. Well, she came over to drop the kids off, saw the car and gym stuff and went ballistic. Here she is struggling, bills she took with her are mounting, she has no real income because she is in school, her car payment is three months late ($1800), and she sees me test driving a new car, joining the new gym, etc. She says that I owe her for 8 years of supporting me, for supporting me with getting my masters degree, for staying home and raising the kids while I pursued my career.

But that is Barbara Streisand!! Sure she was there for me. but I was there for her. I worked and brought in the cash to support that household, to feed and clothe the 5 of us. I was the one that was up late at night when the kids got sick. I was her faithful husband who, for most of the marriage, spent every waking moment that I could with her and we enjoyed each other's company. When she asked for a new house, I got it. When she asked for a bigger house, I got it. when she wanted an Explorer, I got it. When she wanted an Expedition, I got it. Over our marriage, she has averaged somewhere between $100 and $300 a month in new clothes, bags or shoes. Even when we were in complete dire straights financially. People around us always joked that my wife was the best dressed in the area. If she asked for something, I found a way to get it. it was my way of showing I loved her and that she could count on me.

And now I owe her??? For what? For betrayal, or the destruction of my family and kids? For her unwillingness to give me, our family or our life another chance? For her throwing away everything we have built? For her ignoring the fact that everything we have suffered for, sacrificed for, cried over, prayed for, is now coming true (jobs, her nursing career, financial situation better, kids in school so she can pursue a career, her husband has finally "got it" and made changes to some of his flaws, etc). What a foolish woman to throw away everything right when you get what you have busted your *** for over the last 10 years. And I owe her?

No, I owe MY WIFE everything I have…my fortune, my love, my life, my commitment, my fidelity…EVERYTHING!!! But as ASYLYNE said above, this is my wife in name only. She is already taken half of everything we had at the end of July…actually more than half. She has gone on to start her new life with her perfect man (*sarcastic*). For what he has done to her and her life, if anyone owes her, it is him. Let him pay. Let him be there. Let him comfort her when she realizes the utter destruction they have bestowed upon three innocent children. You know, I consider this affair and the impending divorce, a form of child abuse. You tell them all their lives about love, family, God, how much their father means to her…and then you take ALL of that away. How cruel!! How they must just sit there and wonder about life. About how nothing is permanent. Look at the lessons learned:

1. Love is conditional, even from my mother.
2. My mother really doesn't mean what she says
3. My faith is a lie because my mother has said one thing, and done another
4. When things get bad, look out for #1
5. Family really means nothing
6. Anyone can do horrible things to others and get away with it (the OM)
7. My mother is a hypocrite
8. Marriage is not for a lifetime
9. Vows are not to be taken seriously
10. Promises aren't really promises
11. No matter how much it hurts others, make sure you take care of yourself

Need I go on?

Before she left, I told her that she is the one who has set things up this way. That just like the prodical son in the Bible, who took his inheritance, left the family and went out seeking "happiness," and then came home poor and destroyed only to find unconditional love…that with that son, he always had EVERYTHING. All that the father had was his. He didn't need to take his half. Everything is his, as a member of his father's family.

My wife seems to not understand this anymore. She has taken her half. But what about her other half? The half she left behind. For my wife, EVERYTHING I have is hers. But she has taken "her half" only to miss out on the fact that she is leaving behind her other half. And her future "inheritance." And I am NOT just talking about money. She will now not have control, will not see, will not interact, etc with her children for half of the rest of their lives. That is when they are with me. So, she has given up that half of what belongs to her. And should I remarry, she has given that half to someone else, someone she doesn't know, someone she has no control over with her children. Does any of this make any sense to any of you out there? It sure doesn't to her. I am starting to feel like maybe I have it all wrong. My wife used to be this incredibly intelligent woman, now turned into a bumbling idiot. And I see bumbling idiot in a very loving way.

She said yesterday that she isnt going to "prostitute" herself by coming back. But what is she doing with him? Being with her husband, with her family, is not prostituting yourself. It is the right thing to do. But she is willing to commit adultery for the rest of her life (I believe that we were bound by God for life, and only he can break it apart). But she will prostitute herself, her life, her morals, her future, her faith, her children, her family…to the OM. She will let him step in and help her financially. All she has to do is present herself to him, a sacrifice on their unholy altar of love and lust. Talk about prostituting oneself!

The more I write of this the angrier I get. How dare she say I owe her! I did right up until she started the affair last 9/11. Then she threw her rights out the window. Now, just like the prodical son who realized that his true future, love and happiness was at home and came home, she too can have it all back (and then some), but it will require her having faith and throwing away her pride. I am not here to "beat her up." When that son came home, the father didn't yell at him, or give him a lecture, or even worse, tell him he had to earn his way back into the family. No, he said "get me a robe, and a ring and kill the fatted calf…we are going to have a party! My son is home." I think EVERY BS here waits for that day where we can see our WS walk in and we too can say "SSSHHHH!! No more talk of this. Let me hold you, show you unconditional love. Let's "kill the fatted calf" and have a party. Let me walk in public with my arm around you, showing the world that your WS has now regained their rightful stature in the world. And the world must take notice that if I have forgiven and forgotten, then so they must also."

For those Christians out there, you know what I am talking about!!! It is all about grace. Not getting what they deserve. But them getting EXACTLY what they DON'T deserve!! But just like the prodical, it will require the WS to get up out of the pigpen they have created for themselves, humble themselves and go home! And it is incumbent on the BS to receive them (if they are truly coming home) with open arms and to not hold what they have done over their heads. To accept them back and to put them back in their rightful place.

I know I have been long here…but the events of the last week have left me with frustration and anger. Both at the OM, and my wife. I have done right here. My children have done no wrong. But still we suffer in the hands of a heathen (the OM) and my WW. Where is the justice? When will God step in with my christian wife and take the blindfold off? If right always succeeds in the end, where is that end?

In His arms.

MM,

How is it going???

Any contact or reaction?

Let us know how you are doing...

MITT

MITT,

My new post is above. i will be emailing you back shortly also.

Mortarman,

You are making a tactical mistake here. The OM is not a valuable target and really not even a target of opportunity. He will get his, he already has once, his W left him, others will follow including your W. It is not your problem to bring him to justice. Of course if the gym he works for has a problem with having affairs with staff and employee's then perhaps you could put in a good word for him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But,if you do that, it will drive your W further away and reinforce her miss guided image of you.

You need to quit obsessing about him because you are making errors of judgement. You have filed for divorce, have you started to prepare your children? Have you informed family and in laws that a divorce is imminent (sp)? If not why not? Perhaps because you don't really want a divorce. If that is the case slow it down. If you must have it to protect your family then that is what you must do.

In case you haven't figured out, your W has some really deep issues, and I would guess that self-esteem is a hugh one. She requires nice clothes, big cars, and big house although you could not afford them. She spent her time at the gym working and working out. She has deep needs that she feels image can fill. Are you like that? Is that why you are testing a convertible although your financial situation is not good. I don't care if it is improving, this divorce is going to cost you in lawyers fees. Driving an new car won't bring back your W nor will it help your children.

I think it is time you focussed on yourself, your children, and leave WW out of this and OM way out of this. He is just an ornament, and when she gets tired to the ornament hanging around he will go out with the trash. You can believe she will use him for financial support, but you can believe that if she doesn't change, her eyes will be on some DR at the hospital. Now they have money.

Do I sound crass? Do I sound skeptical about things? That is my point. Mortarman if any one is going to improve the moral of this outfit, it is you. You have to get grip work on your outlook, and really help your children. Believe me you don't want them developing the very attitude I asked you about.

So back off, a strategic withdrawal if you will. I don't mean from talking with W, but from obsessing about OM and his role, your W and her role. Focus on you, the things you can improve on as an H, a father, and a human being. These things YOU can do and should do, the rest is up to someone else.

God Bless,

JL