Been, thinking about this statement over the weekend, WS filed for D last week (after I had told her to get her own internet connection at her apartment). Now I feel that all the love that I had for her, and kept giving her since D-Day (9/01) have disappeared, and have been replaced by a new emotion - extreme hatred!

Is this normal, or it it an indication that my LB is completely empty?

WPD - it's normal that you will have some real down feelings, as she files papers and as you read her ideas on a "fair" split. There is a point at which you know that you would not take her back, even if she was willing. Your love bank is empty, and if divorce is inevitable, that's where you want to be.

But extreme hatred - that should not last over time. You need an even keel to make rational decisions. You still have to negotiate on the points that matter, while skipping the little things, and treating her respectfully. You don't want this to drag out longer than necessary, or create more animosity than necessary, because it could affect your cooperation over the kids in years to come. It will be bad enough, just because she won't get everything she asks for. Be prepared for some real venom coming from her.

You will need to put her out of your life, and it's hard to do that while hating someone.

I'm having almost the same feelings that you do, maybe a month or two ahead of you. Oddly, since filing for divorce my wife seems more angry than before, despite insisting all along that she wanted a divorce.

Have you ever been real mad at a close family member anytime in your life; even so much so, you felt like you hated them, but deep inside the unconditional love is still there?

Feelings are very conditional, like the feeling of Love that we talk about with the Love Bank analogy. Remember that the love bank is just a simplification to help describe the feelings of love, it is not meant to totally define love, just help us understand what is going on.

With that said, hating her is a normal reaction. It is almost a protective feeling your getting. However, just because this feeling is normal, does not mean that it is right. I tend to first ask the same question you do, is it normal. I then try to follow up the question with, "is it right". This is a question that only you can answer. We can control are feelings by making some heart felt changes in our views of life and people.

Just my opinion.

I agree with Cham... - I have unconditional love for my stbx WH. He is the one that is digging his hole deeper and deeper with the lawyers. He doesn't want to be told what to do, how to do it, when to do it, his attitude of life. He is therefore going to suffer consequences that are going to be unpleasant. I don't know what actions will be taking place, but my WH has set the pattern. I feel sorry for him, I feel love for him, I want to hold him and cuddle him, I do still love my husband, but I know he doesn't love me. Therefore, I have to let him go, I hate to see him get hurt, I hate to see him have to suffer consequences that he could deleted by following the orders of the judge. There is hate in my soul for him with his actions, and what he is doing to the kids, by demeaning me in front of the kids, and telling the kids lies. But I have found with the First Step program (for battered wifes) that a controller loses control, and anger comes out.

I don't think I will ever hate my WH to the point that I wished he was dead. I hate his actions, and wish God would show him that he is acting in an irrational manner. This man needs friends, he has none, except for his other woman. Which he says he has no intention of finding her again. I don't believe that one second. This man has no one to talk to, except for marriage builders, and the kids. I feel so sorry for him, I feel like he is losing his mind, but I can't help him right now. He doesn't want any help, he wants to control, and when he faces the fact that control has got to fade away, then he can have a good life. He is a controller, and he mentioned that to me before we separated and filed for divorce that he has a problem with control Wish he would fix this, then he can have a good marriage with someone, wished I could have a chance without his controlling behavior. But not possible, there is too much damage inside of each of our hearts. Therefore he will have to start a new life with someone else. Just as I will.

I don't really think that marriages turning to divorce turn to hate. The feelings I have are hate toward the spouses behavior. I think this is the crux of the whole hate issue. Behavior, and communication. My WH and I can't talk now about anything. I need to be away from him totally for weeks on end. But he has not given me that opportunity to do this. He disconnected a long time ago with his affair, now he is not giving me the opportunity to disconnect. Another behavior control issue.

wpd, some food for thought,

A counselor once asked me this question: "What is the opposite of love?" I said "hate".

He said "no, the answer is INDIFFERENCE".

I hope this does not confuse you, I just think it is an important concept that may apply in certain situations in marriage, and/or divorce. Might help you clarify where you are at emotionally.

replaced