An interesting conversation with WW last night when I was picking up the kids. Basically, she was stressed out about being broke all the time, how much work she has to do now (cleaning, yard work, kids, etc), never has time for herself and why I am not doing anything to help her out but always seem to have a good time with the kids when I have them. Some of the highlights included:

About not helping out- I told her that I am not going to be her maintenance man, coming over to do chores and then going home at the end of the day to be by myself. She is the one who wanted to separate, even forced me out of the house, so if things are too difficult, maybe she should sell the house and find something a little easier to maintain.

About being broke all the time- Told her that she is the one who came up with the financial part of the separation agreement and if she wants it modified, she'll have to take it to the judge. (which she cant because she still owes her atty $2K so I know he wont do anything more until she pays)

About never having time for herself- She is a single mother now, what did you expect. You know our visitation schedule so you should be able to plan your 'myself' time accordingly.

About having fun with the kids- Why shouldn't I. Do you think its fair to them to make them sit in a 1 bedroom apt (4 kids) with no privacy and no computer, cable or anything else to entertain them.

So then she tells me "I don't know what kind of point you are trying to make, but it isn't fair to me" To which I said "I'm not making a point, but the fact is that we spent almost 14 years building this life together and you cant just throw it away overnight without there being some major changes in the way things used to be. What exactly is it that you want from me and us?" She repeats the ol' "I don't know" and I say "exactly, but I do know what I want, I want us to try and work through this, but something is going to have to change if we are going to have a chance"

One statement she made that really summed things up was "When you were living here, things were a lot easier, you made sure the kids did their chores and I didn't have to do so much work and I had time to myself" Exactly, that's what a marriage is all about, isn't it. Life aint so rosy for WW anymore, the stress of being single mom is really starting to wear on her. I wonder if she has any love for me left, maybe thats the problem, that she doesn't feel anything for me anymore and that is why things are the way they are and we are doomed to D. If so, that's fine, but I cant believe we made it this far (even with the problems we had pre-OM) without there being something between us. But, as long as OM is in the picture and expressing his so-called love for her like he is, we cannot (and I will not) be able to find out.

When I brought the kids home, I stayed later than I planned, making sure the little ones were bathed and put to bed on time and then talked to the older ones for a while. This allowed WW a chance to hang out and relax for the evening and gave me an opportunity to give her a little reminder of how things used to be. When I left, she actually thanked me for staying and helping out. When will she figure it out?

She's confused. Her friend fills a need(s) she's not getting from you. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you. I'm her but not separated yet but trying to decide whether to move out or not. I am totally miserable. I wish this dilemma would just go away. I have a very hard time working and concentrating. I have kids too. I admire that you would still take her back. I have not told my husband.

LHS-
Doesn't it feel good to be appreciated once and awhile? She is acknowledging how much you help her...and noticing when you don't.
Regarding the doesn't love you part, it seems that a few weeks ago she showed affection and that type of love. It felt real, didn't it? She may be so stressed out that no loving feelings show but that they are there.
I'm glad your work has been validated!
-CS

CS- yes, it is nice to be appreciated once in a while. WW has admitted that things were pretty good for those last few weeks, but then she says I blew it when I confronted her with the hotel receipt, whatever. She sure hasn't done anything to disprove my suspicions. I think her biggest problem right now is her fence sitting, she is getting her needs met from 2 different sides and when I took away my side of the fence last week, she reacted with anger and hostility. But, know I believe she has calmed down a bit and is able to see things more clearly. This is why I know it isn't time for Plan B yet, there is some movement on WW's part, not a lot, but some and I am afraid that a Plan B may backfire right now.

I guess that is what is so hard for me right now, the back and forth. But, today things seem to be going better again. Maybe thats the cycle we have to go through and eventually the together times will become more frequent than the apart times. I wonder how OM is handling all this, it has to bother him that he is sharing WW with me and that we spend more and more time together. If it doesn't, well, then that guy has absolutely no heart, no conscience and no soul, and that is scary.

In a way, I don't blame her for not giving up OM, he really knows how to play the romance role. But he is just lip service, nothing more. How can she even take him seriously, here he tells WW how much he loves her, how wonderful it feels to be with her, and then goes home to his W and probably confesses his love to her in the same way. I wonder if W has ever given thought to how long this will last, if she thinks OM will be here for her in 10/15/20 years like I have committed to, or if he will find someone else to sweet talk, someone else to conquer like he has with WW. I guess that's the difference between real love and fantasy love.

I wish my ws would realize I do something good...he is the one with no stress and no kids for now, and he is the cheater... Glad she is missing you... being a single mom is the worst thing that ever happened to me, and it was not my choice at all. Hugs, H

LHS,

Seems like you are doing good. That fence seems to be getting a bit points and weak.

She is still running the pity party though so stay strong. Don't fall for those pretty lashes she may be batting at you. Make sure you are there because you need to be.

L.

Thanx all for the encouragement.

I'm having a real bad night, my level of pissedoffivity is at an all time high. For some reason I am just so angry for knowing that me, my kids and WW have to live at or below the poverty line and it isnt my choice, that really is burning me tonight.

I have to let the apt place know if I am renewing my lease soon. I mentioned it to WW, hoping it would make her think about things, but it seemed to go in one ear and out the other. If I have to sign another 6 mos lease, I'll have to get a second job and then I'm almost certain that I will scrap this M for good. This is just such utter BS.

Honey- I feel for you, it isnt fair at all. We didnt ask for this, but we have to live it. I guess at least WW has to suffer as much as I do to some degree.

Tomorrow is another day, hopefully my attitude will be a little better as well.

LHS-
Wishing you a better day today than your evening. The effects of the A are far-reaching, aren't they? Until I pass the bar, my financial situation is bleak too. You've just finished a degree, right? Hope on the horizon?
Your W seems to be getting some of it lately-maybe the rest of it is coming slowly.
Take care of yourself today,
-CS

Isn't it amazing how much of a financial strain an a puts us all through? It has been a year and we still haven't recovered. My h didn't care about our checking acct anymore...it went to pot, he bought affairee presents and had lunches, etc, and we incurred hotel costs, etc, etc. I, too, still find myself angry over it. But I guess it is more universal than I thought. Hang in there. Debra