As some of you may remember, I had a medical procedure (follow-up to irregular paps). Well, that was Friday. I never asked DH to go. I figured it would be simple like the pap was. DH was irritable in the am. I didn't understand why, and he said he really wasn't sure either. So, I went off to my Dr. apt.
At the Dr. office . . . I was taken into the room and they had all the supplies laid out. Well, I went into a panic attack before the Dr. even got in the room. When she came in I was ok till she asked if I was ok and I started to cry and told her I was scared. She was really understanding. She explained that she was doing a biopsy to find out what was causing the irregular cells. She told me how it was very normal and that she's done a lot of these lately. She explained everything as she did it. In any event, it hurt a lot. I had this huge panic attack and had to lay there after the samples were taken in order to relax and stop feeling so shaky and weak.
After I left all I wanted was to be close to DH. I felt very uncomfortable from the biopsy and so I called off from work and went to DH's work. I spent the day with him. He apologized after lunch for me being bored. I told him he didn't have to entertain me. That I just need to be near him today. He was wonderful all day for me.
I think God was giving us a huge sign. I think God was showing me that everything is going to be ok. And I think God was showing him, through my huge desire to just be close to him, that this is it and we will survive and that it's ok to trust in the relationship.
The remainder of the weekend was great. We have been trying to get pg the past couple of months (unsuccessfully). DH asked what would happen if we couldn't have another child. He seems to feel that if we can't that I will not love him as much. I told him how much I love him and how I felt and that I can live with having the son we have. I explained how special our family is and that if we can't add to it that I will have no problem with it because I love it as it is, but that if we do get pregnant then it will be one more blessing. I then looked at him and said that for the past year I have not even thought about asking him to trust me, but I am asking him to trust me on this, just this one thing. He smiled, got a couple of tears in his eyes, and held me tight.
Last night we had a talk about how wonderful the weekend was. No fights, no LBs, nothing bad. I explained how Friday seemed like this huge sign. How God has never really given me a sign that clear before but that it was just so real and so clear. Like God was telling us that we are real and everything is going to be ok. He was in tears. I think we have passed over a huge place in our road together.
Sorry this is so long, but I really wanted to share that with all of you. Thank you for everything. You all have been so wonderful to me. Hope everyone is doing ok. Take care, everyone.
