I have only tried to contact the OW once after the exposure of the A. That was very recently to find out if she had left the area, almost one year later. I have only spoken to her once on the phone, when my husband and I called so that he could tell her that it was over, and that he was not going to leave me and that he wanted to work on our marriage. That was almost a year ago, and now I wonder what I would say to her now that the shock of the discovery of their relationship was over.

I guess I would like to tell her that I have learned a great deal about emotional needs. I would like to say that I look better physically, more like my old self now that I know that this is important to my husband. (When we were first married he had told me that my looks wouldn't matter after I had kids..a lie I found out). I was so busy doing for him and my family that I came last. I doubt she could have walked a mile in my shoes. From what I know of her she couldn't handle what I have gone thru, but then again she has been divorced several times. I would also say that now that I gave up my career I have more time to devote to him and my family, even though he misses my income. I would also like to think we communicate better than before, that I wished he had talked to me instead of taking the easy way out with her. I would also like to tell her (and him) that I think she was very selfish going after someone's husband. I do believe that my husband was ripe for an affair looking back, but I have been in her situation twice at least and have walked away from these married men with my dignity. I would also like to tell her that even though she may think he is staying for the kids, as many OW believe, he is really staying for me, no matter what he told her. I wouldn't want him otherwise. I woul;d like to tell her that my marriage is stronger for this dispite the damage. I would also add that I have not yet forgiven him completely for doing this to us, but am hopeful that he will be remorseful enough to work on himself as I have tried to work on myself. I would say that I have given this marraige all that I can, and if that is not enough, then I wish her the best of luck

I'd ask her go away

<small>[ July 29, 2002, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</small>

I would say:

I forgive you. Go in peace.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I would tell her that although she caused me much pain that in the long run it was a learning experience for me and that my marriage will be better for it. I will tell her that she needs to repent of her sins for the Bible tells us that God will judge the adulterer. I would tell her that she must have a low self-esteem to go after something that's not hers and that she should think twice about the pain she has caused someone else's child and that I'm sure she would not want her child to suffer as mine did. But the last thing I would say is, goodbye and I although I will never forget, I do forgive you for your ignorance. Now just leave us alone.

Being that the ow in my situation has a pattern of being promicious, and infidelity...I would recommend her to do some serious soul searching, counselling, and definatly testing for std's...her children as well (all differnt fathers)its not fair to them to expose them to the lack of morals and posssible health risks, after all they are innocent.

I firmly believe that one day, it will all come back to her. If not via an angry bs, then God...
I would tell her that I don't hate her, I think she is pathetic and I feel sorry for her and her family. And to see a plastic surgeon...seriously(couldn't resist!)

thanks for letting me vent.
Bless to you all.

Right now?

"How does my foot feel up there???"

Hopefully in the future...

"How nice that you have started paying your child support. Yes, I'll have fries with that..."

(Can you tell I am still mad at him??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

I had a chance to talk to the OM. I caught my WW and OM together after my WW said it was over. I was watching the kids too, so I had them in my car.

I had nothing to say to him. He was not the cause of the A, my WW decision to have an A was the cause. He was not the cause of the problems in our marriage, he was just one of the many reasons, but the main cause that prevented us to recover.

So what did I say to him, someone I did not even know. Several things:

"What is going on?"
"Is it over?"
"Wish we could have met under different circumstances."
"Do not want hard feelings because if my M did not work and WW and OM did, I do not want a rift between us."
"WW has said nice things about you."
"Paths may cross many times in life, no reason to burn bridges. I am not angry at you or my WW just the situation."
"There are many people affected by this situation. It is not fair to any of us to be put through the continuous pain just because of your indicision. You need to choose and move on."

Well, I think he did chose, and I hope he did move on.

Self-righteously, I would have said, "If I were vindictive, I could turn you in and ruin your career and life. But that would be too hurtful."

This guy, who is now head of a university criminal justice department, was growing pot in his back yard. What an opportunity for vengeance that would have been!

<small>[ July 29, 2002, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: QuestionMark ]</small>

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

After this weekend, I would go off on how much her shacking up with STBX has cost his career and the respect of his children. And that she took advantage of a friend when he was down and going thru a crisis of his own. And the number of people that she has so unselfishly hurt in all of this. I would keep my cool and grace when telling her these things, and then would probably, get out you B1t<h!!!!

Dawn

Could be fun don't you think!!! Remember this is an "if only" excerise, so OW's, WS's understand this as you read these!!

So much for my disclaimer!!!!

I would say, "Please don't do this again to yourself or to anyone else. That whole in your heart cannot be filled with a man, material goods, friends or activities..it can only be filled by God Himself. You'll find happiness and satisfaction with Him and if you would like, allow me to introduce Him to you."

I essentially told the OW upon discovery (we all work in the same field and I have to interact with her yuck) -- May God give me the grace to forgive and move on in my life.

I really meant what I said. Now, I have to admit that in my fantasy world I would have prefaced that statement with something like "What in the @#$$ were you thinking about doing this and continuing to work with me/socialize with me while this was going on. Are you insane?!? Don't you know that I could ruin your career with a single phone call and if I were a vindictive person I might have?!? Get some therapy and some self esteem".

Now, I wouldn't say that, but actually view this young girl with some pity. I know my WH, her boss, pursued her and told her as many lies as I heard. I still don't approve of what she did and will never be able to understand it, but I really don't feel vindictive (well, at least not every day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, if it were in real life I'd walk right by and not even give her the time of day. Hypothetically....where do I begin???!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <vent>I'd probably tell her that the damage she caused to myself and my kids was darn near catastrophic. That she is selfish and immature and if she knows what's good for her she'll walk away bcos I'll do whatever it takes to protect my kids and my family (that includes going toe to toe with her!!)! GRRRRRRRR!! </vent> Hehehe <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Boy, I'm rather embarrassed about what I would say, all of you are far more mature about it than I am. However, I know I have a long ways to go before I can get to where you are. Right now, I'm more along the lines of MGM, telling her exactly the damage she has done and the pain she has caused.

I'd say something like "I'm sorry, what did you say your name is? You kind'a look familiar but I can't quite place you."

I've been humiliated enough already; I'd hate for her...uh...them to know they affected my life so much. Wouldn't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing my feathers ruffled in any way.

Lori

I never met the xow but I did speak to her on the phone on d-day. While my FWS was on his way home to me from ending it with her she called to tell me that I was his old bi#$% and that he was leaving me for her. If I had a chance to talk to her now I would tell her the same thing I told her that night, my husband was not himself when he had this A, and that he will never leave me because we love each other more then anything. She just laughed at me that night but it turned out to be the truth. I would also want to let her know how much there actions hurt everyone, myself, my kids, even she was hurt (I really could care less that she was hurt). I know my husband was at fault but so was she, she knew that he was married, she should have told him to go to he$% when he tried to start something. I don't understand a person who would except a relationship where they were given only crumbs. I guess that people who are willing to become the op have some type of flaw or very low self estem. I would hope that if I ever have to deal with this person again I would be mature and not do something like 'nah nah nah I won you lost ha ha ha ha' but sometimes that is just what I feel like doing. It would feel so good after she was so awful to me during the worst time in my life.

I did confront OW 2 weeks after D.Day.
I rang her and said we needed to talk, did she want to do it on the phone or in person. She wanted to speak in person and invited me over. When I arrived she said she thought I would punch her, I said that i'm not like that and that she obviously didnt know much about me.

I asked her why she started the affair? She said she kissed my husband because she was drunk at her 21st birthday party and that at that point she had no feelings for my husband.

I asked her why she would kiss someone she had no feelings for who was married with 2 young daughters, and was 19 years older than her. She said she was just like that!

I asked her what she thought would have happened. She said my husband always told her throughout their 2 year A that he still loved me and would never leave me. But she thought that when I found out I would leave him and she could have him.

She asked me how I could ever trust him again. I said that we were talking about the same man and if he wasnt worthy of trust how could she have trusted him.

I asked her about the nasty comments she had said to people about me during the A. She said that she thought I was a stuck up b**** because I was never really friends with her. I explained that all along I had known she liked my husband, that I found her threatening, that my husband denied he had feelings for her. So why was I supposed to be your "friend" I also pointed out that all along I had waved to her in passing even though she never did in return, I gave her my daughters good clothing she had outgrown, even telling my husband "maybe this will break the ice".

She had photos of her and my husband displayed while I was there, she even had a photo of my husband and daughter together that had been stolen from the pin up board at my daughters preschool. I took that photo, but left the rest. I couldnt stand to think she had a photo of my D.

You guys are all too serious... <grin>:

My favorite venting fantasies:
- "How does this feel?" while discharging a stun gun into the OM's crotch.
- "Oh, that didn't hurt you as much as I intended it to!" Try again... and again.
- "You're pathetic." Start laughing and walk by.

I would say:

Just because you don't respect your marriage, doesn't mean other people don't respect theirs.

Just because you can convince other men that their wives have "stepped out" on them, doesn't mean they have.

Just because you can seduce a married man doesn't mean you'll get to go all the way with him.

Just because your husband has been unfaithful to you doesn't mean you should try to dole out the same hurt to other married women.

Just because you are unable to love and be loved, doesn't mean everyone else is.

I'd like to think that my venting is all done (although I know that's not the case... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).

Personally, I don't want to talk to OW#1. She's in the fog still, I"m almost certain of it. And therefore, not of a sane mind. So what would be the point of talking to her? She wouldn't get ANY of it anyways!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Besides, I prefer the action over words direction. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Thanks to me, OW#1 had an adoption put off b/c her worker somehow got a bunch of lovey dovey emails that my H and her had exchanged. It seems those emails were enough to deem her unfit to adopt. Oh well. Too bad, so sad, I really don't give a damn about her feelings anyways. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I would like to someday say that I forgive her for her transgressions. However, I've got a bit of a wait on that. I haven't taken the time to deal with that yet, nor do I plan on it in the near future. I have other things I'd prefer to do. Besides, many times, my anger towards her comes out in positive ways (e.g. when doing the dishes... they look extra clean and sparkling if I've been thinking of her! hehehe).

Karen

I don't think MBer's would allow the post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Seriously though, I would have to actually thank him in a way. For telling me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Cause if he wouldn't have, I would have never really understood why my W acted the she does, we wouldn't have gotten to the root of all our marital problems (her childhood sexual abuse). I'm not saying I am at all pleased with what happened, but now we have a chance. You doing what you did with W have made things better (in ways).

Then I would tell him that he wasn't as smooth as he thinks he was. I would tell him she would have boned a 5 ft. 300 pound guy if he "talked" to her just right. That he wasn't filling her needs as much as she /he thought, you came to her when she was just the "right amount" of vulnerable. He just happened to come across a girl that was seriously screwed up mentally and he just "got lucky". Oh yah by the way, I would remind him that she dumped him, that the 2x sex wasn't good at all (she wondered if you were really in <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). That she acted like she was enjoying it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> That she had only heard of a "two minute man". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> That you weren't worth leaving me for. That you still lived with your parents for god's sake. That she sees you now as the unemployed bum that you are. That she wonders "How in the H#LL, could I have with him?". "What did I ever see in him?"

I could keep going, but I think YOU get the point.

wwl

ps Also, could have asked him how my "thing" tasted? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I guess we will stop there now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />