Hi Unsureheart, just wondering how you are going?

Seahorse -- I must have posted the same question to you a bit earlier in the evening. I am in a weird limbo, but not completely ready to go to plan B. My WH out of the blue asked to join me on a trip to Lake Tahoe and we had a great time hiking and mountain biking and just talking (but not about us), but then he woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me he is not in love with me. Upon returning to the airport, I really kept it in check and did not cry (which I really felt like doing. He called six times that evening for no apparent reason -- such as just wondering if you hit traffic on the way home from the airport? Just wondering how the cat was when you got home, etc?

Then he asked if I would come to his mom's surprise birthday party on Friday and family dinner on Saturday. His sister is the only one that knows about our situation. It was pretty fun. On Sunday, we went hiking again and he thanked me for being with him for his family events and said he knew it must have been hard for me under the circustances.

Then, of course, he had to tell me again that he wasn't in love me, isn't attracted to me and is confused. Sunday night I just thought, well, this is getting ridiculous and I have no way of verifying whether he's telling the truth about the OW ending their relationship and they still work together in a small office -- so I thought that night that maybe I really was ready to go to plan B.

I got to work yesterday morning and there was an email waiting from WH asking whether I wanted to come to a concert that night. I hestitated but said sure (we had so many months where he didn't want much to do with me that I thought I should take him up on his recent desire to actually spend any kind of time with me). We had a good time, but then I tripped down some stairs and sprained my ankle. He brought me home and made me something to eat because we had rushed to the show without dinner. After putting an ice pack on my ankle and bringing me toast, he said he was leaving and that he wanted to talk this weekend.

I just had a bad pit in my stomach after he left. I think he is really confused and struggling, but he also is pretty convinced that he will never regain his feelings for me. I didn't sleep last night.

This morning he called three times while I was out watering plants and in the shower. I have to confess that I was reading the paper during the third call and I just didn't pick up the phone.

I called him when I got to work (he'd also left two messages there) and he said he was just checking to see how my ankle was and I said fine. He said ok and goodbye.

I really do not know what is going on here. I am getting pretty frustrated and feel as if I am doing the best plan A possible. I am focusing on doing things differently, not LBing and trying new things just for me. I have rekindled old friendships.

Every time it appears as if we are taking a step forward, he feels compelled to remind me that he doesn't find me attractive anymore, isn't in love with me, and is generally unhappy in life.

I feel like a zombie most days when this happens and just wonder what in the world I did to deserve this. I think maybe his attachment to the OW hasn't ended and that he is also in some kind of mid-life crisis where he is questioning absolutely everything -- his job, his friends, all of the choices he has made. There is no consoling him and I have just backed off completely and simply tell him that I'm sorry he feels that way and to let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

I'm not getting any younger. I'm 39 and feel like my life is wasting away waiting on this. I think I'm just having a really bad day today.

How are you doing?

Hi Seahorse -- Barely functional at work today. I don't know why some days are worse than others. Doesn't seem to be any specific trigger other than I start to do ok after WH is not very nice to me and then when he starts acting a bit more normal and I get my hopes up, I start to spiral downward recognizing that we are still in a holding pattern.

I shouldn't complain I guess. A holding pattern is better than angry (the first response from him), irrational (the next few months of accusing me of all kinds of crazy things that made him miserable), and the depression he has been in for the past month. It's still something of a depressed state and it is so hard to just sit and watch and wait. He doesn't respond when I offer help and just says it's something he needs to sort out for himself. Then he sends me a weird poem about escaping and only one life to live.

Sorry for the rambling, but I just feel so adrift right now.

Any word from your WH? How are feeling/doing?

Hi Unsureheart, I feel for you, really I do understand as your H sounds like he is acting a lot how mine was. I don't know how to intrpret it other than complete and utter confusion and guilt (on his part). Truly it is fog and it truly hurts. I can read that in your post. Its hard when your treated like a wife, but your told your only a 'friend'.

You know you are doing your best, I think if it gets to a stage where they acknowledge it all and still won't decide then it is about them not us. Do not listen to his jibes about being unattractive, its a smokescreen and is his way of convincing himself he's doing the right thing. I tested my H on this one. He'd always find something new that was wrong.

Plan B is hard, take your time to decide if your not completely sure about it. I am not completely sure about it even through I'm in it, although I know I couldn't cope with the fog any longer - I think there was just to much too deal with (with mum, etc).

My H is depressed too - I'm positive of it - all the signs are there, but he won't let me help. He said he 'loves me' but he's confused, he said he could decide for the next 50 years what he wanted to do (who was asking him too). He'd say he wanted to see me, then cancel last minute. He would get my hopes up then dash them against a wall, saying he wanted to be friends. HE told me a few weeks ago that he would get together with friends, and then he would make a decision on the 30th July about our marriage. The day has been and gone and I've not heard anything. I've not heard a peep. The last straw was when he said that I was mean to OW lieing to her (its true the day I found out I lied, but looking back and the situation it was thankful that was all I did!!) Apparently she is all-wonderful and I am not-simple, that is his justification and I know that will be very hard to forgive.

I've struggled so much with all this and I can't find or get a solution so I've decided to hand it over to God and let him decide. I'm fed up with it and I'm done. God will provide me with something eventually and I'll try to work on finding my own happiness-instead of focussing on H. Honestly, letting go has been so hard and I know I have to let go completely.

I too, like you, struggle at work. I hate coming here and trying to hide the situation. People know there are big problems and I know I'm the hot gossip topic. I'm trying to set boundaries, but I work in a place where some people will not take no for an answer and want to 'social work' you for their own twisted motivations. Still I stand up for myself (and then I'm told I'm snappy).

So I booked myself on a holiday to Vanuatu diving and I can't wait. I will lay in the sun, sip cocktails and dive and just pretend for 10 days that no of this exists!

I hope you H gets his act together soon. You sound like such a lovely person. Its crazy, just crazy.

Thank you for your thoughts Seahorse. Vanatu sounds like a terrific idea for you. I know that if/when I go to plan B I'm going to need to take a trip too. Maybe to Mexico.

I feel as if my WH just doesn't want to be the responsible one anymore. Well, I am getting pretty fed up with being the one taking care of the house, the cat, the bills, etc. and maybe I should just tell him, hey guess what, I'm having a mid-life crisis and want to go live the carefree single life, you come home and take care of everything. I know I won't do this, but it's a nice fantasy.

I am really sorry that the 30th has come and gone with no word from your WH. As I've said before, it's hard for these chuckleheads to talk to us when their heads are up their rumps.

Thinking of you. When do you go on your trip?

Seahorse -- After an evening run and several glasses of wine...I am wondering if your WH got in touch with you?

My WH called tonight to tell me he was working late. Why he does this when we are no longer living together completely baffles me. It's definitely a trigger because he always "worked late" when he was getting together with OW at her apartment. I am pretty sure that is over, but find it curious he still reports in on his work timeframe.

Thankfully I have plans tomorrow night with a girlfriend in the city for dinner and fun. Anything to take my mind off of this rollercoaster.

Have you done anything good for yourself this week?

Wow - your WH really makes you suffer. He really doesnt seem to have a clue how much he is hurting you.

On the other hand, he clearly needs your emotional hand-holding, otherwise he wouldnt be calling in that frequently.

Similar to myself, I think you are at a point where you're asking yourself: how much more can I take?

What is not clear to me from your post is the extent/state of your WH's affair now. Do you know what's going on there?

Hi Unsureheart, that sure is a little weird he still tells you he's working late. How strange. I feel the same as you. I'm doing everything here and I'm tired of it. I will sell the house after my trip. This will give me time to detach from it further.

This week - I had a really nice spa bath (at home) while I did a mud pack on my face and drank some port. I read 'the language of letting go' whilst doing this.

Today after a meeting in the city i headed down to Sydney Harbour to see if I could spot the whales that have been in the harbour, but they weren't there. Then I got depressed because its Thursday night (here) and H usually went to meet her on Thursday night. I thought about how nice it would have been to meet him.

I'm snapping out of it with another glass of port...

My trip is in 5 weeks!!!!

Thanks Nick and Seahorse --

Seahorse -- I am also reading the Language of Letting Go (and drinking port and wine in the bath <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ). WH is acting really strange and I am really trying to not let it get to me. He was at work late last night -- called at about 11:00 p.m. to tell me he was going to his apt./stop working on his proposal, but that he would have to go in really early to finish it up and get it in first thing in the a.m. So, this a.m. I thought it would be nice (one of his complaints to me was that I was interested enough in his work) if I called early this a.m. and asked how it was going. He was not at his office and he was not answering his cell phone. Of course my first thought was that he was with OW (another of his ploys while we were still living together was to "go to work early"). I was trying not to get worked up/jump to conclusions so I decided to go into work a bit later/ go take a walk to cool myself down. I got into work and he had called my office 3 times and spoken to my boss (who used to be his friend before all of this/knows the whole situation) and asked why I wasn't answering at home? Was I at the therapists? Where was I? Very strange. I called his office when I got in and nobody answers. Don't know what to make of this. I'm not going to call again.

I do have an appointment with his therapist this afternoon (which he knows about). He saw this counselor for three months and then stopped making appointments/says its too expensive/he doesn't have time. We met with the counselor together in april and he had some interesting observations. I called him yesterday and asked if he would be willing to meet with me and help me sort through whether I ought to tell WH to take a hike (he has many other issues besides the A) and to find out what I should do about the fact that WH has a potentially very serious health issue that he has not taken care of (he has had the symptoms of something potentially serious for months and his physician asked him to go see a specialist right away. He made the appointment and cancelled at the last minute and has not rescheduled/never been back). I don't know what to do -- bugging him about it is a huge LB for him, but it's serious. WH knows I am seeing this therapist simply to get some advice/referral to another therapist/get a read on my situation before recommending someone.

I know you can't make somebody help themselves, but this is very hard. I have a gut feeling that this counselor will tell me that WH has to hit rock bottom on his own and that I should walk away now/go to plan B. I'll keep you posted.

Nick -- I really do not have a way to check on the OW situation. He swears up and down it's over and the one thing I can check -- his bank account/credit card indicates that he at least isn't still stupid enough to be taking her places using the credit card (maybe he's doing it with cash). He claims that she ended it (which is believable to me if she at all was seeing the bizarro behaviors he has been exhibiting to his friends and I over the last several months). I need to check his cell phone again -- I stopped checking it back in May because it was making me crazy. We are spending more time together which indicates that either they are spending less time together (???). I need to check this soon, but it's hard since we aren't living together and short of driving to where he lives and spying on him, I'm not sure how to do this. I'm trying to trust him and not obsess about this.

I am living a soap opera life right now. Almost ready to be done with it.

Well I have to vent a bit because I went to the therapist this afternoon. His assessment (among many) was that it is very likely the A is continuing since my WH keeps waffling about moving home. The therapist's assessment was that if the A had truly ended in May when my WH said it did, he should willing to move home by now. He said if that isn't the case, then something else is holding him back, but I need to find out to be sure.

I have a great deal of trepidation over snooping again, but I simply do not know how I can find out about the whether the A continues without stooping to snooping. I get a sick feeling just thinking about it.

My mind is racing now. I had convinced myself that the A was over and that helped me do a better plan A. The possibility that it is ongoing makes the pain, anger and frustration resurface and I know I will have a sleepless night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Unsureheart:

I am so sorry your therapist had this opinion today--I know it truly throws a wrench in all the feelings we BSs muster up to perform a Plan A. And it sounds like you were doing pretty good at that.

I know what you mean about the snooping--if you have stopped that's great. But don't you just get to where you just have to know? I sure do--when WH acts all nice to my face, invites me to go to dinner with him and the kids, I just find myself questioning his motives: is he just doing this to totally throw me offby making me think he really cares, even if just a little?!

I'm curious how you were checking his cell phone--or can you say here. I was able to get copies of my WH's bills just by simply walking into the store and requesting them--his name is such that people aren't sure if it's a male or female. But then in June, he had had enough of me confronting him with the after-hours calls on the bills and locked the account with a password. That's sure indicates innocense now doesn't it!

I don't have much advice for you. But you sound like you've handled things very well so far. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do. Also, the therapist may not be right! Sometimes I catch myself thinking too negatively about WH. I know it's hard not to when we have been lied to for so long.

Hang in there and just take one day at a time.

Dmand

p.s. My WH asked me to go to dinner with he and our kids tonight and we had a farly good time; mostly talk about the kids and their vacation they just returned from. Then he dropped me off at home and took kids to his house to spend the night. No mention of last night's proposal at all.

Unsureheart, there was a time pre-B I thought A may have been over, but something kept niggling. I told my H I knew he was still in contact, eventually he admitted it. This is when I went to B because if I knew he was having an A and he knew I knew and still expects me to see him, then he is a cake-eater.

I know it hurts very much, but if you have done the best you can do and nothing is changing then you could try to find out if OW is still in the picture, but I'm not sure if it would help that much, but at least then you know where you stand. You won't get anywhere (with recovery of your M) while she is still in the picture, but she may be out of the picture and your H is just confused. Who knows what these WS are thinking?

People keep telling me that if my H wanted me he would be back by now. I wonder if the reverse can't be true too, but I'm loosing hope. I miss the old H, but now i try to take the stance that he died and won't be back.

I'm getting my hair done tomorrow and I'm thinking I might buy myself a coin belt for my bellydancing!

<small>[ August 02, 2002, 06:23 AM: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</small>