Can I ask exactly what it is you HAVE done, if not SF?

JL is correct. It is an extremely self destructive situation you have gotten yourself into. And you are the only one that can get yourself out of it. No one can really help you because you are not even willing to share it with your husband or go for counseling.

You see how easy it is to fall back into? That is why we keep repeating YOU NEED COUNSELING.

Also, if you tell your husband, you have a person to be accountable to. It will be much easier to tell him now, before you take this even further and sex is involved. I think you know that if it is not ended, it will go further each time you are together. And when you least expect it.

I know from experience. My sexual experience happened on the floor in the OM office (at a hospital), where anyone could have come in at any time, night and day. He loved me like no one ever had. He really made the first time special, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> No, it was just whenever and however he could get it. We both could have been fired.

I hate to have to tell you this, but I think you already know it. Even if you continue to work there, you CANNOT work as friends. Once you cross that line, there is no going back to the friendship. Nothing will ever be the same.

<small>[ July 31, 2002, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

JustLearning - I am in no way offended by what you wrote - it is the truth. At this point, I think I finally am gaining a backbone. Enough is enough. I have to honestly say that the kissing and other stuff never left me feeling very guilty (and I know how horrible that sounds to admit, but after yesterday, the guilt is tremendous and the want is gone. It is no longer something I desire and I know I've said it before, but this A is done and I'm going to make you and everyone else who has posted to my sordid story proud.

1step and Susan - I know, I know, I need to share this with my H. I do have a friend who I've been talking to within the last month and she's helped me a lot, if only to be a sounding board. When she hears about the latest, she's going to let me have it - and well deserved. BUT, the good thing about this is: 1) I can't tell you how much more I appreciate my husband. During the A, I found him boring, etc. Now I can say that is what I want. 2) This latest episode has successfully ended any feelings of "love" that I thought hI had for OM. I'm not just saying that, I feel so different today. He is not what he led me to believe. I can't trust him and to be truthful, I'm a little frightened of his strength and seeming anger. He is an ex-Marine - I used to find that intriguing...now it is just scary. I think the issues that he has go deeper than what I ever thought and I am not even going to attempt to deal with him. Let his W do that.

I know you probably think that I am really sick, but I'm telling you the truth that your posts of support are what made me see the light. Thank you! And please keep writing -

NT,

Yup, being faithful and there for many years is boring. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But, that is really your fault not his. If you are bored with your life with him change how you interact with him. Heck, take HIM to your classroom and have sex with him. AT least it is with a man that loves you, and the risk of getting fired is actually less, since it is your H. Of course, public ludeness (sp) is still going to get you in trouble.

NT, I am not mad at you nor am I being sarcastic. The reality is that your H is boring because you are boring. The OM was dangerous and is dangerous and you liked it. Of course, a real man doesn't force women to do things. It really isn't much of a challenge physically and it take no real effort. Being an ex-marine doesn't mean much apparently with regard to his integrity. That is why the military has such a strong stance about adultery.

Now I don't know what you have done short of SI, but I can probably guess. It will crush your H. Yeah, I know we are telling you to tell him, and we are telling you that it will crush him. But, you know something NT, my guess is that your H has more backbone than you or the OM. My bet is he will handle it although it will just about kill him. Ever hear of the saying "still waters run deep"? My guess is that he does love you enough to rebuild.

The only question is do you love him enough? It is great that you are mad at OM,but that really doesn't address the issue at hand does it? The OM isn't the issue, you are.

I realize that you are no different that most of the WS that post here. Virtually, all felt their spouse was very deficient. It is part of the justification of having an affair. Certainly, from what you have said about him, you feel the same. He is weak, he cannot handle this, he is boring... But the one thing that you have to admit, he does love you and hasn't just used you.

He has respected you and he will again once your marriage recovers.

Again, I would suggest you get a counselor. Talk with this person, and then with the help of the counselor tell your H what has happened and Why?

NT, I suspect that doing this is the only way that you are going to end up happy and with your self-respect restored.

Hang in there and God Bless,

JL

Once upon a time ....

Neverthought slowly removes the veil from her eyes... and she sees herself ... and she is aghast !

Neverthought begins to see that her life is a reflection of her conscious and subconscious choices ... she feels terror !

Neverthought feels paralyzed by her fears and is demoralized by her non-resolve ... she is weary.

Neverthought begins to grow a seedling of hope within her breast .... she is cautious.

Neverthought breathes life into her soul with the scent of self-love ... she awakens from her slumber.

Neverthought cautiously moves toward freeing her soul ... and her guilt begins to lessen.

Neverthought stands fully in the light of truth ... she feels strengthened by her courage.

Neverthought breathes courage and exhails self-doubt ... she feels peace envelop her family ... at last.

~~~~~~~

The process of becoming a fully realized person is always a difficult journey. The thought of never making that journey ... is infinitely worse.

God Bless**

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

JL - Just to clarify, I am not "mad at OM," I feel as though I am seeing him differently now. I wasn't mad at him when I left and it was until today, after much reflection on my actions, that I realized how I've been used. He never meant the things he said - he couldn't have, because if he did, he would never have talked to me the way he did. Maybe it is his "thing," his big turn-on. Well you know what? It effectively turned me off and away...finally.

You're right about the part of my enjoying it because it was dangerous - I see that now. But I'm also learning the peacefulness that comes from a loving husband. Youare right, it doesn't have to be boring and if I thought it was, it was my fault.

You and Pepper are so wise...I am thankful for your support and advice. Pepper, what you wrote was beautiful - thank you.

It was beautiful Pepper! You are a wonderful writer. I think you should quit that day job and write. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

NT,

I know it seems that I am beating on you. I hope you realize that it is not my intention. I suspect that Peppers response is/was more effective. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Susan, you are right she is a very good writer Pepper.

NT, hang in there, you like many before you will gradually come to see things differently and with a different perspective. It is not so much that OM is bad, but that you have only seen a glimpse of him and in a very very seductive situation. You are in the "fog" yet, which doesn't mean what you feel is not real. It means the parameters with which you have evaluated your situation, your OM's situation, and your H's situation are incomplete and only partially connected to the total situation.

I think you are seeing that now. Keep working on this.

God Bless,

JL

Neverthought

I am sending you some prayers ...~ AND~ some self honoring affirmations. Take one of these affirmations and repeat it to yourself for the rest of today.

I am a beauty to behold.

I am deserving of divine love.

I am an instrument for good.

I am strong and brave.

I will honor myself in every way.

~~~~ or, make up your own affirmations to suit yourself.

Affirmations can clean out the garbage you're thinking about yourself. The garbage needs to go .... replace it with beauty, light and truth.

You are worthy of the best.... we believe that ... and so should you!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Yep, beautiful yet again....

I'll just tip toe on outta here now. You are in good hands. JL and Pepper are very wise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JL - I truly don't feel that you are beating up on me. You speak the truth and that is what I need to hear. (OK, I disagreed a while back when you implied that I considered my H weak - but I understand now!) I think I am slowly emerging from the fog - I know it is greatly thanks to people like you who are trying so hard to make me see reality. Even yesterday when everything was happening, deep down I knew things were different - there's been a gradual change in my thinking. I just wish it had been more abrupt! But that is my hard-headed fault. So please don't stop posting to me, JL. I value what you say...

Pepper - I just copied down those affirmations and plan to hang them at my desk. They are beautiful and will become my mantra! Thank you for your kind words...

Don't leave, Susan!! I need your level-headed, honest advice! Thanks for caring...and posting...

Hello Neverthought,

Let me try and approach this from a little different angle. We have been suggesting you tell your Husband. You are afraid to do so for a number of reasons.
1. It would hurt him.
2. He might leave.
3. Others may find out also.
4. OM and or yourself may get in trouble and loose your jobs.
Perhaps others also, but this will do for now.

Now let me point out some things:
A. If you had told your Husband when we first encouraged you to do so, the A would probably be over, this last incident would probably not have happened.

B. You would have less on your conscience than you do now.

C. You will most likely have to tell at some point to reconcile your marriage no matter what happens with OM.

NT, I am not trying to say "We told you so." I am trying to point you in the direction of getting out of this hell you are in. Oh NT, we want you to be happy, right now you are not, and that is about as big an understatement as there ever was. Some of the advice you are getting comes from those that have spent years on this site reading and helping (JL for one.) Why do you think we are giving you this advice? Do we have some personal agenda ? Or is it that we have seen so many continue when they could have stopped it so much earlier and done much less damage to them selves, their spouse and their marriage. Many, Many believe they can do it by themselves, and by the time they realize they can't, so much more damage has been done.

One way would simply be to print out your posts, tell H you need help, and hand them to him to read. I believe you will get the help you need. I suspect you will see some tears, but then I suspect you will see him as he really is. The one you can count on for help no matter what.

If you could only know what we know, feel what we have felt over and over. We weep for you and want so badly for you to be made well again. It doesn't have to be this way, it doesn't.

As JL said once to you, your H can probably sense that something is wrong, he is making extra effort to help you, but he can't fix what he can't see. You need to tell him. You are killing yourself for lack of faith. You are killing your marriage.

I believe that once you tell your Husband, most of it will be over. Unless you do, there are to many unknowns. OM is not going to quit just because you say no. I believe you just found that out. We are afraid for you.

In one post you say we probably think you are very sick. NT, when your children are doing something wrong, do you think they are sick, do you reject them? We hurt for you, we love you, we just want this to end and for you to be well and happy again. We don't want to judge you, we just want to help.

NT, you are looking at telling H as the hard way, it is really the easier way. Many of us believe it is the only way you can get out of this. NT, why don't you believe us?

SS

nt...I must ditto the previous post...with the sentiment that if you had told your H,THIS WOULD BE OVER FOR YOU BY NOW!!!

Not to say I told you so but we did <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . HARD to do and make no mistake, it will just about kill him. All the things you are afraid will happen WILL happen if you continue this affair. You have shown yourself you can't trust yourself...You certainly can't trust OM. THe ONLY trustWORTHY person is your H!!!! TRUST HIM!

All the things you are afraid of, that you are afraid will happen upon discovery,are things you have already RISKED...Don't wanna lose your marriage? THEN DO SOMETHING to prevent that from happening..you can't continue to have you cake and eat it too.

DO NOT be alone with OM..I can't believe you were in a room with him alone at all...I gotta say it..If you had to answer to your H for that, I bet you wouldn't have done it.You are behaving as though you have no choice...YOU DO,you are the only one who does..The feelings for the OM are overwhelming but think how good it will feel if FOR ONCE, you don't act on those feelings. It is a choice...

It will be VERY hard to your H to understand how you let this contnue so long,saying all the while you didn't MEAN to hurt him...

My H says he knew his A was wrong and he wanted it to stop from the first moment. BUT what he did was the opposite of what he claims he felt <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> And his A only lasted 3 weeks...The hardest thing for has been to reconcile what he says he felt(loved me,didn't want to hurt me, but kept pursueing the OW and let me leave him). Don't make your H go thru this ...make your actions match your words.

NT

You really MUST tell your H what has been going on. I know it will be difficult but you have to do it.

In my opinion, it will be better if he hears it from you. He probably already suspects that something is going on. I think it would be better for it to come from you than from someone else or to have him find out on his own and have to confront you.

This will be one of the most difficult conversations you will ever have. I think stillseeking has a good idea of printing out your posts and having him read them. Also, direct him to visit this site. For a while, my H and I both came here. It helped us a lot.

You need help. Your H is the only one who can really give that to you. You need someone to accountable to. You need someone keeping track of your time. He will do that.

This is going to hurt him. Don't think it won't. But you both need to be on a level playing field. He can't fix what he doesn't know it broken.

Be open and honest with him. Answer all of his questions. Let him know when and where you will be and who you will be with. Make sure there is a way he can check up on you. He is going to be hurt and angry and distrustful. But you will have to live with that. Tell him as soon as possible. Don't put it off any longer!

Regretting

I read something today that said: Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

Wouldn't it be great if we could live our life backwards? Every year along with age, we gain maturity and wisdom.

My hope in sharing my journey is that you can learn from my past and foolish mistakes. I have already lived this nightmare. I hope that next year you will be able to look back on this year and feel the strength you have gained. You may even wonder "WHO" that person (you) was.

Do everything that you can (hint, hint, please consider the counseling) to seize all of the strength and wisdom possible.

God bless.
Susan