He made it pretty clear. He thinks its perfectly fine to have this online relationship with her. He said he wont budge on this issue. I dont know when I will give this to him yet, but I am beginning to see the inevitability of it now.

My Dear husband,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an enviroment that helped to make your affair with Kitanye/Chaste/Cindi (all the same person) possible. I got sick with the pregnancy and had difficulty coping with that alone and was unable to meet your emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most and we are both suffering because of this tragedy.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life together for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Kitanye once and for all.

Until then, I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. I have told you about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with her. It broke my heart when I read your icq history with her. Even though it is evident you cannot be together in “real life”, to me it has become evident that even online, you prefer her to me. I cannot compete with a fantasy. I still love you, but I cannot live under these conditions. I have tried to negotiate with you a reasonable solution so we can resolve this issue but you are inflexible. I too am inflexible in that I will not share my husband with another woman, online or not, part time or not. Its not healthy, and given the depressed state we are both now in, I think that is evident. Its not me causing these episodes, it’s the fact that I cannot live with the knowledge that you think its perfectly ok to put me on a shelf while you play sexually teasing games with other women. If you are not willing to give our marriage all of your love, not just when she is not online, I find it too painful to endure.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Kitanye, and any other online women and allow me to fill your fantasies instead of another, I will always be there for you. As you know, my fantasy is for the two of us to have children, children I will keep trying to have until we are successful. Given how ill I get when I do get pregnant the fact that I would repeatedly try again and again to do this until we are successful should indicate to you the depth of my love for you. When you are willing to follow the measures that will ensure total separation (we can discuss what these would be), I will be willing to discuss our future together. Maybe having an online affair with you works for Kitanye and her husband (while he doesn’t know) and claiming to have a happy marriage, but it doesn’t work for me. I’m sorry, it kills me to know you are typing things to her that I feel you should be feeling or saying to me.

I want us to rebuild our marriage someday. It is the most important thing in the world to me. I want us to meet each others emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. I wish I could inoculate our love from the tragedies we have endured but I can’t. I do not believe we would have ever been so vulnerable had we not lost Adam. The second loss of the twins just exacerbated the first loss. Instead of turning to one another, I withdrew and you turned to her.

For a real chance for us in the future, We need to build a lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy (moving to Alaska, successfully having a child, maintaining constant affect etc.). I am willing to do whatever it takes to ensure this can happen, but I need you to be a full partner in that regard as well. Then there will never be another reason for someone to come between us. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you (ill or healthy), someone who is always there when you need me. I considered you my best friend, but given the types of things you say to her, whether you mean them or not, when I read them, they seemed genuine and it saddened me deeply that I could not share your pain.

I loved you when we married, and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you as long as you are so willing to toss me aside for online women.

Love
Luci