My wife of 29 yrs told me that her feelings for me had changed. She loved me, but was not "In" love with me as she once had been. )Our children are finishing their college and are out of the house, but not our hearts. They have been a great help to me in trying to understand and deal with the situation.)
She stated that my anger (Demons from my childhood) and the fact that I was not taking care of myself had been growing problems for her over the last few years. She was very afraid of becoming an "early Widow" and was fearful about being able to provide for herself if that came to pass. (I quit smoking 8+ years ago and gained 80 lbs in the process, became diabetic and had a heart attack a year ago this past April). She has had 3 surguries in the last 18 months for her back and knee which have added to our stress.
She stated right away that there was no one else (no affair), but I'm not convinced as I will explain later.
Around 5 years ago she lost her father after making a career move to be the confidential secretary to a very dynamic female elementary principal. She became very work oriented which I took to be a coping method for the loss of her Dad. I tried to help her with the loss of her Dad, but focusing on her work seemed to be her prefered way to deal with the loss. I noticed a distance after a while, but she and her boss established an incredible working relationship, constantly working very late and going in very early (which persists). My wife is very intelligent, careing and loving (the most loving perons I have ever known) and is in her words an enabler. My wife stayed with her boss when she became Director of Elementary Education and the two of them have accomplished great things and their relationship has continued to intensify. My wife has openly described their relationship having strong marital overtones. I am both jealous of the attention given her boss and feel that there is an emotional affair between them... not likely physical.
I've read the material on the web site & the book His Needs Her Needs and have come to understand that I have been a terrible taker over the last few years.
She said that she made this revelation of the change in her feelings towards me as a last effort to get my attention and try to save our marriage. SHE GOT MY ATTENTION ! The evening she told me I asked about counciling and she agreed, but a couple of days later She has also said she needs some emotional space before she can deal with any more of this ( I believe begining the journey back to the loving, intimate marriage we once had or wish to have).
I'm trying to respect the emotional space, but not sure how long before I should waite to raise it or how long it might take her to open the communication that must occur to begin the healing. I'm not sure I understand the need for space if she wants to save our marriange. I am so very confused, anxious and fearful. I Love and Adore her and want to heal this terrible wound I've inflicted.

Please Help !

Welcome RickA -

I am sorry that you are having the difficulties you described. Your situation reminded me of my own situation in Oct. 2001. The 'not in love with you' talk. The best advice I can give you is read, read, read, here and other places. I've seen Dobson's book Tough Love mentioned alot. Most really like it. The second best advice I have relates to my own hindsight. When I was in your situation 9 months ago here's what I did right and wrong:

Right:

Began working on myself - I am an alcoholic. I stopped drinking and actively work in AA. I was also 80lbs overweight. Now 9 months later I've lost 65lbs. I also quit smoking 4 months ago. This is what part of Plan A is about. Fixing you. I am not a highly disciplined person. Please don't think these things are difficult to obtain. Once your mind is REALLY made up, you do just about anything!

Wrong:

I smothered my wife with poems, flowers, emails, cards, ILY's, jewelery, chocolates, you name it.

This drove her farther away. It wasn't until I 'released her' that we started getting better. It's hard to describe that feeling of releasing her. I think it had to do with my own self confidence. Wanting to be with her and stay married, but knowing that I'd be OK if we divorced. That took me about 4 - 5 months. Again, part of my plan A of improving ME.

Well, that's probably the longest response I typed to anyone here. Your story reminds me of my own.

Good luck and God Bless!

Gib