From 11/27/01 when I find out about her affair until 2/14 when the alleged break-up occurred, I plan "A'd" fairly effectively. Unfortunately, she was still talking to OM and lying to me. I intercepted a call from him in April and she promised they were "just talking". I believed her. In May, I caught them working out together. She claimed again, they were just talking. She needed to break up gradually instead of cold turkey.
OM is married and has two small children. My W and I also have two children. OM has moved out of his house and into an apartment. In the last two months, I have driven to his apartment three times and found her there three times. She swears they were "just talking".
Here's the dilemma. I can't plan A anymore. I'm too angry at the lies. I am not in a position to plan B because she won't move out and I'm not going to leave. I sent her a letter in which I told her I am divorcing her. She immediately said she doesn't want a divorce and doesn't want to break up the family (???). She says she misses me when I'm gone. I am currently between jobs and will most likely accept a position that will require me to move. I have told her our 14 year old son will want to go with me. She says if I move she will also bring our daughter and move wherever I go. I have contacted an attorney but am overwhelmed by all the dynamics of this. If I drop attorney, I fear W will go back or continue old ways. On the other hand, trying to reconcile (even though she has shown no desire to change) without evidence of a change of heart, I fear will not solve anything. Moving out of state with me while I am pursuing a divorce is bizarre at the least. If your brains are not scrambled from reading this mess, please reply. So far, I have pretty much protected her secret but am quickly tiring of it. Thanks so much. I have been reading MB, Surviving An Affair etc. since November. Finally gave in and posted.

Hello Yank,

Welcome to this forum. It sounds as if you have done your reading. You really didn't ask a question, but I sense you are wanting some varification that you are on the right path.

I have question for you. Assuming that your W has been "just talkiing" with OM, is she aware of what an emotional affair, EA, is?? If not have you enlightened her? Does OM's W know about the goings on?

It seems to me that if she is unwilling to stop contact with OM, and you are going to move, that DV is the proper method of ending this mess. That is if you have decided that is what YOU want. It seems clear that your W doesn't want the divorce, but it seems she has done nothing to end the affair.

I do have questions for you. Have you considered Plan A? Do you have any idea what your role in the demise of your marriage was? Do you have any idea why your W chose to have an affair: what needs were not being met? Has your W been willing to talk with you about these matters? What does she say?

I find it interesting that she would follow you when you move, does she have an explanation for this decision? I presume your S wants to be with you rather than her, why is that?

As you can see I have more questions than answers for you, but it is helpful to get as good a picture of the situation as possible before offering any suggestions.

One last question, are either or both of you in marriage counseling or individual counseling? If so, what has been the result?

Look forward to hearing from you.

God Bless,

JL

This is not uncommon. During my pending divorce I began looking for a job elsewhere. This was my response to marriage failure, juggling seperation, job pressures, etc. My councelor encouraged me to look. My wife said she would move where ever I went although she was adament about divorce. To make a long story short I moved, she followed, and we never divorced and actually doing well now.

I take this as an indication that she "down deep" she really doesn't want a divorce.

Dear JL,
Thanks for the response. Sorry for the "Cliffs Notes" version of my situation. My W does know what an emotional affair is but I know it's much more than that. She is "in love" with the OM. She has admitted it. She claims to be a Christian but has heretofore been unwilling to do the right thing and end all contact. She admitted to me that she "slipped up" and had sex with him about six weeks ago. Yes, the OM's W knows about the goings on. She is filing for divorce. She told me her H is a "liar". Wow, what a shock! I did Plan A from the end of Nov. until the "break-up" in February. I actually gave the OM a copy of "Surviving An Affair" from which he copied the "no contact" letter. (I know it's bizarre.) I thought he was sincere. I even gave him a Bible and explained what was in there was probably the only answer for the void inside him. My role in the state of our M is that I was emotionally unavailable to my W for quite a few of our fifteen years. I did not compliment her as I should have, did not take an interest in her as I should have etc. etc. I must add though that this guy is the third. I had not previously known that but found out recently. I believe this is her first "soulmate". When the A hit me like a ton of bricks, it turned my life arouond. I can honestly tell you that since November I have been in and maintained the strongest spiritual relationship with God that I've ever experienced in my life. This had to happen or I would still be floundering in a self-centered lifestyle. Unfortunately, it has possibly cost me my marriage. My W admits there's a real change in me but she remains involved in the A. She wants to move with me because she doesn't want to break up the family and she says she still loves me. I have a hard time with that. I asked her why she would put our family at risk for a relationship she was not prepared to follow through to the end? She had no answer. My S is fourteen and would follow me because we're close and he "doesn't trust Mom." He said "sometimes I'm not sure Mom is where she says she is". I acted shocked when he said that. Her biggest fear by far is having the kids find out. Yes, I have been going to counseling but she quit because she said it "wasn't doing any good". We found a new counselor who I think is sensational. He is a Christian counselor. He asked her if she would commit to stopping what she was doing immediately. She was offended and accused him of "ganging up on her". I hope I've answered all your questions. I believe my W is manipulative, trying to live in two worlds and attempting to normalize what she's doing as much as possible. Thanks for caring.

Dear Engineer Bob,
Thanks for your reply. Happy to hear yours is going well. My contention though, has been that she needs a change of heart, not just a change of geography. Without a change of heart, aren't I just set up for it to happen again?

Yank, as it seems to be MAYBE happening for me, that "change of heart" you speak of can occur, but what's her motivation?? Maybe a change in geography is a valid motivation. And hey, if it gets her out of OM's life - all the better!!

Sounds like you've done a pretty decent Plan A for quite a while now... Only you know if you're ready for something more (Plan B)... I'm becoming a stronger and stronger advocate of Plan B as time goes on! (Might actually be helping my WW start to see reality.)

Yank,

As you no doubt know, the "soulmate" thing is found everywhere on this site. It used to be sort of a running joke, although it is serious. It seems to me that if you are out of gas then Plan B is the way to go. However, as you stated that is hard with children. Further, if you are indeed going to move out of state, there is little chance of this really helping things.

It is really sad that your S son sense what is going on here. I wonder if he has ever voiced his lack of trust in her to her? I feel sorry for your D as well, as it is unlikely that your W will take care of her, if she pursues OM. Two families destroyed and she feels the counselor is "ganging up on her". I would laugh if it wasn't so sad.

Is your plan to divorce her based on the fact that there have been 3 A's or is it that you have given up hope that she will end this A? It seems to me that "not breaking up the family" is a good reason to move with you, but I guess the question remains does she intend to stay in contact with OM when she does move?

Who will pay for her move,if you two are divorced when this takes place?

Lots of loose ends here. So I come to my final question: What can we help you with?

Must go to work, talk with you later,

JL

JR, thanks for the reply. Other than her words, I have seen precious little evidence that she cares enough about me to completely end the A. She does no caring things. We do not sleep together. She only responds to me when she feels like she's losing me, like when I catch her doing something wrong and tell her it's over. I pull away, she comes closer. I respond, she pulls away. Sometimes I think she's psychotic. I've just about had it. If she indicated that she really wanted to make this marriage work, I'd like nothing better. I just don't believe her words anymore. I don't want a divorce, but what alternative do I have?

Just Learning, thanks again. I guess I'm just looking for verification that I'm doing the right thing. My justification for seeking divorce is not the fact tht there have been 3 A's but because she continues to lie to me about the state of the current one. I just cannot sit idly by while she continues this. I have read "Love Must be Tough" and it seems to me at this point, I would just be enabling her if I continued Plan A. What makes this especially confusing is that she gives so many mixed signals. If she hated me and said she refused to stop the A, it would be easy. Instead, she says she knows it's wrong, she's only "talking" to him and she is ending the affair S-L-O-W-L-Y. She also says she doesn't want to lose me blah, blah, blah. I want desperately to believe her but if I did, I'm afraid I could rightly be accused of being delusional. She is extremely attractive, is a personal trainer at a gym. I'm sure the OM thinks he died and went to heaven. I also have to admit that, as a male, competitively it kills me to think of somebody "taking my wife". I have alot of conflicting emotions, as you can tell. Thanks for any insight out there.

The problem is that she is not seeing you follow through with the threat of divorce. As a result she continues "talking" to the OM. There is no consequence therefore no incentive. Right now you have a dysfunctional relationship which is affecting your children. Don't kid yourself. They are well aware what is going on. In their minds, the fact that their mother has a bf must be okay because dad is not doing anything about it.

Tommaz,
Thanks for your response. So I need to divorce her in order for her to perceive she has incentive to commit to the marriage? Sounds like darned if I do, darned if I don't. As far as the kids, they really don't know. They look up to their mother and while my son sometimes wonders where she is, they would both be shocked to know the truth. In their world, an affair is something their mother would not do.

The answer to your question is YES you need to file for divorce for her to get the message that her behaviour is going to lead to her loosing you and breaking apart the family.

If I file for divorce and it causes her to really make an effort to reconcile this time, NC etc. how will I know it is sincere? How easily should I "cave"? I am scared to death to get "set up" again. It seems she only really wants me when she perceives I am pulling away.

The divorce process can take several months or more depending on where you live. What you do is tell her that you will cancel the divorce just before the court date if you see that she is honestly working toward rebuilding the marriage. Hopefully during that time she will be going with you for marriage counselling, stopping all contact with the OM, telling you where she is at all times etc. During this time she will know that if she screws up you will not stop the divorce. In other words, she has to prove to you that she is sincere about her desire to rebuild the marriage.