Sorta an update/addition to my last thread.

My lease runs out in a month and I need to make a decision on what to do next. If I sign another lease, I will be forced into getting a second job since all the money I have been able to set aside has been used up. I have also been using the end of my current lease as a sort of benchmark to judge where WW and I stand. I figure that if nothing substantial has happened by the end of my current lease, then chances are nothing ever really will.

Today, WW called and asked me what I was doing this afternoon, I told her I was taking care of personal stuff. After a few more minutes of talking, I realized that she was sort of fishing for answers as to my plans for future living arrangements. I had mentioned my lease running out a few days ago hoping it would spark some kind of interest and maybe it has. So she gives me a few ideas which include:

- having me finish the basement and live there, my reply is that I am not going to do all that work with so much uncertainty, why should I bust my [censored] without any kind of commitment from WW
- take out a second mortgage and have someone else finish the basement, same reply, why should I go into more debt. Much as I hate to admit it, my suspicious side feels like there is another motive behind this.
- third suggestion is, "I don't have a problem with you moving back in, you just cant move into my bedroom" What is the difference between that and now, except for the financial aspect of it.

Things haven't turned out the way WW thought they would. OM is not leaving his W like he promised and I have finally gotten a backbone and stand up to WW on certain issues. WW has admitted that the financial, emotional and physical strain of the separation is really taking its toll on her. She has also admitted that a few weeks ago when we were together that it was really nice. I wonder if these recent comments from her are an attempt to reconcile the M and be able to maintain control of how things progress, or if it is for purely financial reasons.

So it comes down to 2 basic alternatives, move back in or continue what I am doing. There are pluses and minuses to each one and hopefully my friends here can help me sort through them, offer some suggestions and advice so I can come to a solid decision on what to do.

Move back in:
(+)- I will be around WW full time which will allow me to do a more effective Plan A. It will alleviate the financial strain we are both facing as well. I will be with the kids more and they wont have to suffer through visitation and staying at my little apt. This will be about as 'normal' as things can be right now. It will remind WW of how things were and how it wasn't so bad after all, give us something to work from. Also, hopefully my presence will put some pressure on WW to make a decision about her and OM.

(-)- WW has not made any commitment to the M, uses the "no promises" line a lot and WW has not agreed to absolutely no contact. Knowing that the possibility exists for continued contact will hamper my Plan A efforts and may lead to some serious LB-ing. If things don't work out then I am in the same boat I am in now, having to find another place to live. It would also be devastating to the kids if I left again, I wont put them through that again.

Stay where I am at:
(+)- allows me to remove myself from WW and her continued contact with OM. Shows WW how serious I am about this and that I am moving on. If we do end up D, I am better prepared to make the adjustments I need to make to move on. Lets WW see what the single life is all about and if that is something she really wants.
(-)- places a severe financial strain on me. The second job I will need to take will limit the amount of time I can spend with the kids. Continued distance between us may make recovery of the M harder and harder.

At this point, here is what I feel should happen. WW and I need to sit down and talk about what is expected if I am to move back home. On my side, I need a promise of no contact so we can at least see if we have a chance without any interference from OM. This may mean her doing whatever needs to be done to prove to me that no contact is being made. I am willing to sleep on the couch for a while if she is uncomfortable having me in bed with her (although a few weeks ago that wasn't the case!) This has to be more than a financial matter, it has to be because WW wants to work on the M and is willing to make that commitment. POJA is key I believe.

What does everyone else think? I would appreciate all comments about this regardless if they are for or against me moving back in. Right now I am looking at this from my slightly slanted perspective so any other view would be greatly appreciated.

Thanx.

LHS,

I don't have much time but here is my thought. I realize that financially this is hard on you, but I don't see you accomplishing anything by moving back. It will simply build resentment because from everything you have said, she sees you as someone "handy" to have around to do the things she doesn't want to do. That will only lead to resentment on your part, and on her's if your backbone holds up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Further, she is really offering nothing that suggests that she wants to work on the marriage, this is only for her convenience not about your marriage or her interest in trying.

My vote: stay in the apartment. It will be easier on the kids. It will be easier on you and frankly it begins the process of separation that will have to come in order for your WW to see that being married to you is something that could be good. She isn't even in withdrawal so living with her would be h***.

If you two divorce, then you will have to handle the financial stuff anyway so you might as well get with the program.

Hope to see other votes on this.

God Bless,

JL

She's trying to have some more cake.

She wants you there (not as her husband) to meet the needs that are slipping through the cracks right now.

No you should not bust your [censored] to finish the basement.

No you should not incur further debt to finish a basement in HER house.

No you should not move back in so that you can be there to pick up all the slack.

Frankly, LHS -- I never understood why YOU were the one to move out.

She should have been the one to leave.

My actual vote is for you moving back into the house and get her butt OUT.

As always, JL has some great advice.

I will have to agree with JL on this one. Yes, financially it would be better for you to move back home but as far as everything else goes, I think it could cause even more heartache and confusion for you and the kids.

I bet the kids have adjusted to the separation for the most part. What if you do/did move back in and then all h3!! broke out again. Your kids would have gotten their hopes up that daddy and mommy are back together and now daddy is moving out again. They would be put through so much more emotional pain and confusion that would set them back in their healing process that has already started.

I can see a vision of your living arrangements if you do move back in. You move home and become her houseboy. You pick up the slack of helping out with the kids, the laundry, the cleaning, fixing up of the house, etc. and your wife has more FREE time to do whatever she wants. She has not committed back to the marriage so now with you &#8220;home&#8221; she can come and go as she pleases because you will take care of it for her. Well, now you have forgotten to do one of your many chores and she is now mad and you have a big fight about it because it has interfered with her new carefree lifestyle.

IMHO, until your wife shows signs of actually wanting to work on the M, I vote for keeping your apartment and Plan A&#8217;ing from a distance. Then, if/when the time is right and your wife has committed completely back to the marriage, then you move home and rebuild from there.

Michele

I agree with the others. She's not looking to work on the marriage, or you'd be welcomed in like you're her HUSBAND, not a roomy.

I also agree it will be easier on the kids if you aren't in and out.

Just to clarify, I was forcibly removed from the house in January when WW filed a restraining order against me. She claimed in the police report that I was plotting to kill her and even claimed I took out an insurance policy on her. Talk about being in the fog! I believe that the real reason is that I caught her and OM together a few days before and that was the only way she could get me out of the picture. It almost seems that this latest move by WW (when she said we needed time apart again) after I found the hotel receipt and the lovey-dovey email is identical.

I hope my posting didn't leave anyone with the impression that I was going to move back in, quite the contrary. God has revealed too much to me at critical times (like last week with the hotel receipt and email) to believe that WW is completely done with the A and ready to commit to the M. Yes, she has been a cake eater, but I am no longer offering her anything from my desert cart. I know that the strain of the single parent life has really taken its toll and that is the real reason she made the suggestions of this morning. Maybe it's a start in the right direction?

I am in agreement with everyone. All your reasons as to why I shouldn't move back in are 100% valid and further show that WW is a long way off from recommitting to the M. I just don't understand why she is like this, but I'm guessing that having OM in the picture is still clouding her judgement.

More than anything, I'm looking for my friends here to keep me grounded and not make any hasty decisions. I don't want to go running back to WW just because she says "come here, boy" nor do I want to attempt a recovery strictly on her terms. I believe that solid MB principles, practiced by both of us, are the only way we are going to make this work. That includes no contact, IC and MC, POJA and following a sound marriage recovery plan. If she asks again, I'll tell her flat out what I expect and that only when she has convinced me she is done with OM and committed to the M will I even consider moving back in. I'm sure it will piss-off WW and she will call me a stubborn, ***hole, but that's fine with me.

Until then, I'm planning on nothing happening. I'm stopping by the office today and looking at maybe a 2 bedroom apt so the kids have a little privacy. Then I'm going to the pool and 'try' and read a book. I'm also going to start making a real attempt at getting a second job so I can have a little breathing room financially. It will put a limit on how much time I can spend with the kids, but at least I will be able to provide them with a little better way of live than how they have now.

oops- double post

<small>[ July 30, 2002, 09:12 PM: Message edited by: loveherstill ]</small>

Update:

I was looking over my bank statements and getting really po'd about how broke I have become and how me and WW had busteded our hineys these last 13 years to get ourselves into a comfortable position financially. Lo and behold, WW calls asking me if I can help her with the kids tonight because she is tired. I told her no becasue I need to get out and look for another job so I can afford to eat and have a roof over my head. She repeated the ol' why dont you just live in the basement.

Well, that was all I could take and I told her exactly how I feel about everything that has happened these last 10 months. I didnt yell or curse, but she sure did hear the anger in my voice. WW told me she doesnt know any answers right now and is very uncomfortable being around me. Says she doesnt know how to work through the feelings she has and the obvious bitterness I feel towards her. I told her that we are never going to work through anything if we continue doing what we are doing and that at sometime we are going to have to deal with these issues. I asked her if counselling might help and she said if I can find one we can afford (something I need to look into). I finally told ehr that I have to go, got things to do and hung up.

Not an hour later she calls back, asking why I am so angry with her. I repeat my feelings of frustration and her lack of commitment to the M. I finally told her that I know she is still deeply attached to OM emotionally as proof by that letter he sent her and the continued sneaking around to be with him. I told her we will never stand a chance unless she gets him out of her life completely and commites to our M. Asked her if he was worth throwing away the last 14 years we spent together and living like this. I must have hit on something with that becasue she said she cant talk about it right now and hung up.

Not 45 minutes later WW calls again asking me wher I was thinking about applying. I told her that I had already gone to 4 different palces and none of them are hiring right now. This really is a bad time to be looking for a job around here. Her sister called (I think WW called her, maybe looking for some help) and she had to go.

So, interesting development. Why would WW call me back twice after I told her how I feel and called the A back out into the open like that? Who knows, but I sure feel better telling WW (in the least LB way I could) how I feel about everything. That is the first time in a very long time that she has heard my frustration with all of this, maybe she is starting to figure out that I am finally moving on.

Guess we will see what happens next. I know I am not going to call, she can make that next move.

If Plan A is your goal, it is obvious that your answer is to move back in. You will have more oportunities to show her how much you have improved and to fill her EN's (with that division factor though).

If Plan B is your goal, do not move in.

Dreamland- the dissenting vote, a valid point, but I have to take the kids concerns into account above all else. If I do move back in, they will be under the impression that everything is ok, and if things don't work out and I move back out again, then they have to live that nightmare all over again. Even WW agreed with me on that point last night.

My Plan A efforts have been acknowledged by WW, especially those recent couple of weeks that we spent together and things were about as normal as they could be. WW also admits that when things were/are really bad for her that I am the one who is there for her, offering comfort and support. She knows I love her and am committed to her and the M and that I am willing to work through this to rebuild the M and make it better than it was pre-A. She also knows how frustrated I am with her continued contact with OM and her lack of commitment to the M. Last night I think was the first time that WW was made aware of my frustrations and how close I am to giving up on this whole thing. I almost feel like all the cards have been put on the table now, WW knows where I stand, knows not-so-bad it is being with me and knows what I expect if our relationship is going to survive. Now it is up to her to make a decision.

Thinking back to last nights conversations, it seems like WW is hinting that she wants to make a commitment, but is just really afraid of having to deal with all the negative feelings this has brought onto both sides. A valid fear and something I am going to have to work really hard at controlling. These issues will have to be dealt with, but that doesn't mean it has to be done with a lot of yelling and screaming on either side.

Plan A is still my goal, and so is restoring the M, moving back into the house and becoming a functional family again. But, something has to change if it is going to have a chance at working. WW and OM are still emotionally tied, that is apparent from that email I saw and the continued contact that has to be carried out in secret. WW has to make a conscious decision to agree to no contact, that's a point I am standing firm on and it has to be done with a POJA, nothing less. The commitment to the M can come later.

Right now, I feel like I have about another month of emotional, physical and financial strength to carry on like this. Then, if nothing happens, I'll go to a solid Plan B and start really looking into a possible D. I know that a lot of people here are thinking that it is past time for a Plan B or even moving to a D, but it just doesn't feel right for me now. I know the contact continues, but WW seems to be showing some signs of teetering on the fence (last nights conversations were a pretty good indication of this). I'll keep my Plan A with a distance going, basically assume the worst and pay close attention to WW's actions to see where she might be headed. I'll let her do all the work now, let her be the one to come to me. I'll have to be real careful to keep my anger, frustration and other negative feelings in check so WW cant use this as an excuse to not try and work things out.