This is my first post on the board, so I'm not hip to the lingo as of yet. I'll get the gist as I go. But my purpose of being here is to give my point of view as to why I am in the position I am. Why I am the OM. I'm not here to bash anyone.
Did I choose to be the OM? Initially, no. Did I intentionally try to steal a man's wife? Initially, no. But circumstances in life dictate action and reaction. I would never have approached this beautiful woman in a manner that was suggestive or inappropriate due to the fact that she was married. We struck up a conversation one day and before we knew it, we had fallen for each other. Neither one of us went into this saying, "I've decided I'm going to fall in love with this person." It happened. Plain and simple. The connection I felt for her and her for me overwhelmed us. By the time we realized where our hearts were, we were already deeply emotionally bonded.
Do I feel bad for her H? Yes, I do. And so does she. I'm not sitting here wringing my hands and laughing an evil laugh, like some may envision, because I know the pain of divorce. But at the same time if he isn't the man she needs to fulfill her needs and desires and she tells me I am, then am I supposed to give up the woman of my dreams just to be noble? I don't see it happenin'. I am the last person on earth that would intentionally hurt someone, but when it comes to my heart, I will fight til my last breath for the woman that possesses it. And she most certainly possesses mine.
I'm not saying I am right in what I'm doing. This love we have was not born out of sex or infidelity. It was born out of chemistry and connection. It's a beautiful, soulful thing we have. Those lucky few that have felt it, know what I mean. And if those things weren't felt in the beginning of the marriage by both parties equally, wherein lies the blame? Is she to blame because she can and wants to love me the way she can't love him? Or is he to blame for selfishly denying the fact that he cannot give her what she truly wants? All I can say is that she loves me and I love her. In ways neither of us ever imagined or could envision.

TOG

Gee, sounds like every other OM I've ever known. LOL!

Hey, guy, I know you don't have to be a huge A*hole to wind up in a situation like this...but I also know you're being very clueless to the reality that surrounds you. You may not have intended on stealing this guys wife...but you are certainly fully aware that that's what you ARE in fact doing. So NOW you know, and that makes your future actions intentional.

Augh...gotta run. I'll try to write more later. Take care...you're in for a painful ride.

AHHHHHHHHNNN (buzzer going off)....wrong-o pal. You say you didn't INTENTIONALLY mean to have an affair. That is incorrect you see, you intentionally decided to pick up the phone to call a married woman. You intentially decided to email a married woman. You intentially decided to have lunch/dinner dates with a married woman. You intentionally decided to have sex with a married woman. It was all about CHOICE and you chose to be involved with a married woman, so if you learn one thing about yourself, learn that NOTHING IN THIS AFFAIR JUST HAPPENED, YOU BOTH MADE IT HAPPEN with your actions that you BOTH decided to take.

If she cheated on her H what makes you think she won't cheat on you someday? Oh that's right your situation is different. That's what all OP say ya know.

What is your purpose in posting on a site called MARRIAGEBUILDERS?

Ummm.... here's a question for ya, buddy... Is she still married?? Is the already divorced?? Is she rushing forward into divorce so she can be with her "SOULMATE" - i.e. you??

What?

No you say??

Well... pray tell why not??

I mean, if what you have is so incredible, why is she still with this person she is so apparently mismatched with??

Just a very, very, very simple question... Think carefully before you answer. It could save you a whole lot of pain.

Wrong, TOG.

You are just kidding yourself. If you really loved this woman you would have respected her marriage. You are confusing having the hots for someone with true love. A wedding ring to a decent man is like a cross to a vampire. NO decent man would ever allow himself to be in your situation.

Besides, if she will do this to her husband, she will do it to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's a beautiful, soulful thing we have. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, it is dirty and ugly, and you both will pay a very deep price. Wait until the endorphines wear off, you will see.

<small>[ July 30, 2002, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: Sad Tiger ]</small>

TOG,
To start with, you won't get much sympathy here on this board. Most of the people believe that the M comes first whether because of religious, social and/or moral reasons.

You gave alot of information on your feelings for the WW (wayward wife)but not much factual information on the R relationship between the WW and the BH (betrayed husband). Your post gave no indication as to whether WW had tried to save M. You implied that she never really loved her H. You also imply that he can't possibly meet her needs that way you can. Does he know about the two of you? Has the WW been to this web site and tried some of Steve Harley's (SH) advice? Has she filed for divorce? has she told ou she will? when? how long have you been together? Is it just an emotional affair (EA)or has it progressed to physical (PA)?
My guess is that the R started as a friendship that took a wrong turn. Probably when she felt comfortable in confiding to you about her "horrible" marriage. You being the OM are in the perfect place because you are getting all of this feedback about her H and all that is wrong with him which allows you to meet her needs exactly the way she wants them met. My guess is that the H doesn't even know that their is a problem.
Anyway I'm not trying to persecute you. Just trying to make you aware that there may be another side to the story.
If you provide more info on your R and the couples R it may be easier to respond to you.

I'm not going to call you names or belittle you. You are responsible for ALL the choices you've made in your life. Experience and maturity will teach you this and it will teach you that our dream/soul mates are illusions. Love and lasting relationships are based in reality and it is hard work to make them succeed. What you talk about in your post is not mature love, it's infatuation. I also know these are things you don't want to hear right now...but, I also suspect you are posting on this site because you know that what you are doing isn't responsible.

I know, I know. He thought he had surfed over to marriagedestroyers.com... (Too busy thinking about his new soulmate since she's now scurrying about getting the divorce underway. Ooops. Oh you mean she's not divorcing her husband to embrace her soulmate? Hmmmmmmmm.)

Sorry for the avalanche of posts your message triggered, but it's backed up by a lot of experience and knowledge--from those who've been there, even on the other side. An OP willing to post here probably has enough misgivings already about the situation to seek some perspective, so you are to be commended for that.

Keep reading.

My intentions were to show that there are two sides to every story (3 in this case) and that everyone would react the way the are reacting. They are reacting to the situation instead of the emotion that is involved. I don't consider this to be an "affair". An affair implies that there is no intention of committment. There is on both our parts. And, yes, at this point my actions are intentional. Initially there weren't.
And the assumption that we have had sex tells me that you are blind to the fact that people can fall in love without having had sex. Sex isn't love. It is a by-product of love. It should be anyway.

TOG

Circumstances in life amount to an action and reaction? That's something a botanist would say about planton...we as humans are given the opportunity to understand right from wrong and the opportunity to choose either. I think you're failing to take responsibility here because you choose the wrong way and you know it. No amount of rationalisation will change that.

You'll likely understand how this man feels one day when she either rejects you for her husband or eventually rejects you for another man with which she has chemistry and connection. Statistics prove that the relationship you are in now has a 4 percent chance of success...of course you think you'll be in that 4 percent, they all do.

You are the last person on earth to intentionally hurt someone? Hooray...there will be no more adultery and pain..this man has self appointed himself to be the last.

You say he is selfishly denying that he can't meet all of her needs and desires? He is selfish? Selfish because he won't give you what is his?

Has she already left him to be with you or is she still with him? I bet she's still with him and your beautiful, soulful, chemistry filled connection isn't all that she needs.

How do you know what was felt between these two people when they got married? I think you should wake up and realize you're in a losing situation...and the sad part is that you'll take more down with you than you can begin to imagine.

If you were wanting to get out of this situation, we would all be glad to help you in any way we could. But you come here to thumb your nose at us. What was your purpose in that? Did you think you would get support here to continue in this fiasco?

Dear The Other Guy,

I believe we met many years ago or maybe it was just someone so very much like you. I was in my first marriage with no children and you were married with two sons. My then husband was abusive and obnoxious and lazy. You were the handsome young lawyer who worked down the hall from me.

Daily we rode to the 17th floor together in the elevator. We laughed and talked and the chemistry was there in a huge way. I remember thinking how easy it would be to fall in love with you. We had lunch a few times and I knew I was heading down the wrong path. I told you it had to stop that we were both married.

I remember your words exactly. You said "Sue never understood me and we never had the kind of chemistry that you and I have. If you just let me hold you one time I'll never let you go". Still I walked away.

My arrival at work became erratic, so as not to see you in the elevator. I avoided you at all costs. I filed for divorce and when it became final I quit that job and moved away. You lingered in my mind for months.

Many years have passed and I'm back in my hometown, your hometown too. About 3 years ago I saw your youngest son's picture in the newspaper. He looks just like you. How excited you must have been that he was entering law school. I noticed it said "John Doe Jr., son of John and Susan Doe". I thought you'd still be married to her and for her sake I hope you have given up chemistry as a hobby.

I had to laugh to myself remembering how sincere you seemed and I had to thank God that I had enough sense to know that you were poison.

TOG

Hope you and your soul mate have asbestos clothing....it may come in handy before you check out of this life.

TOG, emotions are just chemicals in your brain. Emotions change. Where will you be in one year, when the initial infatuation fades? Stuck with a cheater. Where will she be? Stuck with a man who has low character. Your affair (yes, it is an affair) is based on lies, deceit and fantasy. No long term relationship will come of it. You will never be able to trust each other. You will always have the fact that she is a cheater in the back of your mind.

You didn't answer any questions posed anyway. Where is she now? Has she told her husband? Is she filing for divorce?

Here is something from give-a-hint.com

Surveys reveal that most married women go home at nights to sleep with their husbands, and rarely ever leave him for the "other man". We say, thank God for that. So at best, you're merely playing second fiddle!! At worst, you may one day be caught RED-HANDED!!! You see man, IT'S A DUD TO DATE A MARRIED WOMAN!!!

So, why not think it over, and try to find a woman of your own?? Just pondering on the quiet, peaceful times you could spend with YOUR OWN heart-throb, at special moments like Christmas, Valentine's day etc., without having to fret that sooner or later, your cover'll be blown, should send thrills through your spine.

Man, give up the dirty dalliance, and you'll be blessed.

Your thought for today: "I know that I can do much better-
than being a lowly home-wrecker"

Visit give-a-hint.com®

<small>[ July 30, 2002, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: Sad Tiger ]</small>

Uhh, excuse me, TOG... Son??? You didn't answer the questions posed to you...

- Is your MW still with her husband?
- Is she actively pursuing divorce (careful on the answer... what she tells you and what's really happening can be very, very different - ask my WW's OM!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )
- If she's dragging her heels in any way, what does that tell you??
- Does her husband know ANYTHING about what's going on between you and her?? In other words, does he even "have a chance"?
- Are you comfortable knowing she's doing this to her husband without his knowledge... what makes you think she wouldn't do the same to you some day?? Careful how you answer... when she married her husband, I'm sure she had no intention of cheating on him - because she was either in love with him, or extremely stupid - I doubt the latter.

Maybe you should start pushing her for some decisions on her part...

<small>[ July 30, 2002, 04:23 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Hi folks:

In my extensive counseling with Steve Harley, he's told me never to "educate" my spouse. I'd like to extend that corollary to

Never try to educate an OP

Because you're going to be wasting your breath. He's not in a place to listen---no more than his 'solemate' is.

Please let the thread die. If he continues to post (especially inflammatory responses), I'm sure that Tempest will be happy to deal with it.

<small>[ July 30, 2002, 04:19 PM: Message edited by: Sad Tiger ]</small>

<small>[ July 30, 2002, 04:23 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Let me guess. You are "SOULMATES," right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />