</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Gibby1:
<strong>I've been wanting to tell you this for almost 8 months now.......

I have evidence of your inappropriate actions/words with my wife. This evidence is enough to get you fired and ruin your reputation in your line of work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Revenge is a powerful motivator. Very Powerful! But I have chosen to keep this information private. Hurting others (no matter who they are) will not make me a better person or a better husband. My wife knows this and loves me more than ever because of the changes I have made and my integrity. She told ME tonight "I Love You".

Find a greater power within yourself to do what is right. Ask God for His help.

Gib

PS - I have prayed for your happiness almost every day for the last 6 months. I hope it has helped you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gibby1~

Did I miss something...or are you saying you know this OM and giving him a personal message?

dj=excuse me? you hope he doesn't have to suffer the pain of losing her? HE DOES NOT HAVE HER, SHE IS MARRIED TO SOMEBODY ELSE. I don't get it. If she's cheating with him now, do you really think she won't cheat on him?

Why are you with your husband? If this OM means so much to you? Sounds like you are being a martyr to me. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's my opinion. Oh poor me, I can't have the one I truly love. Gag.

rttrc:

Sorry but this guy struck a nerve with me. I suppose it might be the OM I am familiar with. The things he said fit the loose framework required.

My main reason for posting the response I did was to get it off my chest, let him know that the BS may have great damaging power at our disposal and CHOOSE not to use it, and let him know that God or his 'Higher Power' can and will help him.

It was a personal message of sorts. Maybe to the right person? I don't really know.

Gib

[QUOTE]Originally posted by djmusicbox:
[QB]Hello TOG:
It's a feeling that no one can understand unless they've been there. Maybe that sounds dumb, but it's true. It really is a special feeling of chemistry and connection that doesn't just happen with anyone. >>>>

Do you think that none of us BSs ever had that "magical connection like we never had with anyone else" with our spouses? Most of our spouses walked quite happily down that aisle. Seems like the REALLY "special connection" is the one that brings a couple back together again or keeps them together even when terrible things happen or life doesn't stay a fairy tale.

You're full of [censored]. You are not the "passing recipient of feelings". You wake up every morning choosing to compound the problems in her marriage.You're also not very bright. You see, I believe that OP get taken for a ride,too. All you know about her H and her M is what she tells you, and I doubt seriously that you or even she knows what's going on in her H's mind...whether she's told him all he needs to know about her emotional needs, what he's willing to do to save his marriage, etc. Doesn't it bother you that this soulmate of yours is breaking promises and changing lives without moral conscience? I guess you'll find out when it happens to you.

Thank You Danni C, you took the words right out of my mouth, couldn't have said it better myself!
Thank you!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

DITTO what all the other BS'S have said-----------

AND THEN SOME!!!

<small>[ July 31, 2002, 12:40 AM: Message edited by: Replaced ]</small>

To DJ and TOG:

RE: It's a feeling that no one can understand unless they've been there. Maybe that sounds dumb, but it's true. It really is a special feeling of chemistry and connection that doesn't just happen with anyone.

RE: It's a feeling that no one can understand unless they've been there. Maybe that sounds dumb, but it's true. It really is a special feeling of chemistry and connection that doesn't just happen with anyone. I don't believe it is an infatuation, as many have told me

Why is it that people who are OP feel that only they have felt this kind of chemistry, connection and love? Why do they feel that somehow what they are feeling is more real that what the married people feel? Does this mean that the only way to find true love is to have an affair???? This take on it is insulting.

An affair relationship is not superior to a marital relationship. Geez…..

Most people feel just as you do about their spouse when they marry. Some are able to maintain it forever, others are not. However, even in the best of relationships feelings have a natural ebb and flow. Even if you both stayed with your married partners for life your relationships would have the same ups and downs as others would. Just because a marriage is experiencing a down period, it does not mean that the spouses do not love each other. But it is just in these down times when an affair is most likely to happen. Then when the marriage relationship starts making a turn for the better, affairs end.

I was an OW many years ago… seriously dated a guy who was getting a divorce. I’d known him since I was 13. He was the ‘love of my life’, my ‘soul mate’, yada yada yada. He did not sign the divorce papers after all. Just forgot to tell me that little detail. Did it hurt when I realized that I there was no future in the relationship? You better believe it did. But the pain was nothing compared to what I felt when I found out about my X-h’s affairs. And neither compares to the pain I felt on d-day when I discovered my current H’s affairs. From my experience the pain caused by marital betrayal is far worse then the pain one feels from a love that just does not go to fruition. When we have an affair, any pain we feel in voluntarily imposed upon ourselves. It is the price we pay for giving into ‘simply falling in love’ in an inappropriate situation. We have not control over that initial feeling. We do however have control over how we respond to the feelings.

An affair is like walking into the wind, carrying a torch. You cannot escape being severely burned.

RE: I'm not here to bash anyone…… My intentions were to show that there are two sides to every story (3 in this case) and that everyone would react the way the are reacting.

Yes there are three sides to every story…. Too bad we (and you) do not have her husbands side of the story directly from him. His life is being torn apart and he is not give a voice in this.

It’s a simple matter. If a person does not want to be married to their spouse then they get a divorce. Then they can date all the people they want. If karma takes it’s course, it usually does, you will get to experience what her husband is going through. Then maybe you will understand why your reasoning is convoluted and self-serving.

Actually I think that karma is already doing it’s dirty deed. The MW is already cheating on you….. with her husband. Do you know that most people who are having affairs tell their affair partner all sorts of awful stuff about their spouse? But then they go home and tell their spouse that they love them? That’s why affairs break up marriages only about 4% of the time. Because the person is still in love with their spouse.

My counselor told me that when a married person has an affair, their two partners merge in their minds to become one. Each partner meets half of their needs. While they are in the affair they can not leave either because then only half of their needs are being met. Then upon discovery of the affair by their spouse, the couple usually is forced to face their marital issues. With that, the affair ends and the couple form a stronger and healthier marriage. Affairs are often used by married people much like the vent on a pressure cooker.

RE: They are reacting to the situation instead of the emotion that is involved.

Of course people are reacting to the situation and not to the emotion. If we all acted primarily on our emotions this world would be an even bigger mess then it is right now. Character is based on living up to our commitments, not reacting to every time we get the swoons for someone.

RE: I don't consider this to be an "affair". An affair implies that there is no intention of commitment. There is on both our parts. And, yes, at this point my actions are intentional. Initially there weren't.

An ‘affair’ is not defined by lack of commitment. It is defined by the fact that at least one of the parties is married. You are having an affair. How can something that hurts so many people be special or wonderful?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by zorweb:
<strong>To DJ and TOG:

Why is it that people who are OP feel that only they have felt this kind of chemistry, connection and love? Why do they feel that somehow what they are feeling is more real that what the married people feel? Does this mean that the only way to find true love is to have an affair???? This take on it is insulting.

An affair relationship is not superior to a marital relationship. Geez…..

t hurts so many people be special or wonderful?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent post Zorweb. I haven't been here in a while and I come back to peek in and see this dreck. Ugh. It is totally insulting to married people. Like all of us BSs dragged our unwilling spouse kicking and screaming down that aisle. It's the same kind of phenomenon I've seen happen when the OW "accidentally" gets pregnant and then expects her child to take precedence over the seemingly worthless childen of the marriage. I'd venture to say that the over whelming majority of us felt that very special connection withour mates, and a lot of us still do. And I can vouch that the cnnection gets even stronger and deeper when the marriage has been severely tested and survived!
What really amazes me is how many of these affair couples with this soulmate attraction greater than anyone else has ever experienced in the history of the world completely crash and burn, often in a very ugly way with one person running screaming in the other direction and taking out restraining orders. The tiny fraction who do end up married to each other seem to have a really dismal success rate. Many OP seem to have this attitude that marriage is just a horrible drudgery that their MP was forced into at gunpoint. But of course if the OP later marries that person it's a match made in heaven and angels are singing when they walk down the aisle (stepping on the bodies of those they've stomped on to get there).
Actually the reason I thought to stop by was because I just found out about an interesting real life MW/OM soulmate pair that I know. The former MW (who married her OM) is the sister of a friend, but I know her pretty well. She was married and met her OM at work, left her husband and married the OM. They've been married 3 years. They got married soon after her divorce, after all they were soulmates. They are now engaged in one of the bitterest divorces I've ever seen. I don't know which one hates the other worse. Ah, soulmates...

Crash and burn is a good way to put it. My exh left me for his "soul mate" and "fairy princess" and is now wallowing in a morass of lonliness, guilt, depression and regret when the relationship with "fairy princess" in his words "ended very badly". He now expresses jealousy for my SO(who is wonderful, honest and open with me and we POJA already. Glad I have to tools for a healthy relationship now)and writes me constantly(I'm in no way interested in a relationship, he burned that bridge to the ground) hoping for something...

Yeah, she was his "soul mate" all right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have evidence of your inappropriate actions/words with my wife. This evidence is enough to get you fired and ruin your reputation in your line of work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Same here, Gib. (Can we all say VIDEO?)

But then, it happened. MY moral values kicked in. The OM is married with W, 4yr D, and one on the way.

If I were to proceed with costing the OM his job, then 3 other innocent people will pay the price for me to satisfy MY "feelings" (i.e. revenge).

Though I seriously considered it in the early stages, I no longer do. I realized that if I were to go this route, I have reduced myself to a level no better than the WW's and the OM's. It will NOT bring my M back, nor salvage the OM's, should it fall apart. The "innocent" world takes the blow for me to get satisfaction. I am above that.

Hey guy, would you rob a bank? I am sure that a few million bucks could satisfy some of your "feelings". Would you?

If your R with the MW is so "special", why not bring it COMPLETELY out in the open for the world to see? Don't hide and do it. I know in the early stages if my R and M with WW, I WANTED and MADE it a point to be seen with her. I was proud of our R. I wanted the world to see it. I wanted to share my joy and happiness with family and friends. I, indeed, was so very, very proud.

You do yours in private, under the veil of secrecy. Why? Because you KNOW it is NOT an honorable or moral thing to do. Otherwise, you would want to share it with the world also.

I thought that I could imagine what a BS feels like, before my W strayed. How wrong I was! Nothing, I mean nothing, compares to this feeling of betrayal. And I make it a point to remind people when they want to try to tell me they can imagine, that they cannot. If you have not been betrayed by a spouse, then neither can you.

My WW conducted her A for 2 years while still married to me. We enjoyed ALL the aspects of a fulfilling M during these 2 years. We have no children, so if she was sure, there was absolutely NO reason for her to stay married to me. She did, though. She tells people today, even though she has filed for D and is still seeing the OM, that there are a LOT of things about our M that she sorely misses.

Eventually she'll figure out that those things will never be again, as long as she is with OM. Then she will face the reality.

What reasons does your "soulmate" give you for her not pursuing a divorce? Pray tell....

hcii

TOG: About 1 year ago my W left me for OM. They struck up a conversation one day and before they knew it they had falled for each other. Neither of them planned on falling in love with each other but they claim it happened. The connection they shared overwhelemed each other, they were sole mates, she told me that he made her laugh, that she needed and deserved to be happy, that she never loved me or atleast had not loved me in years. She stated that she felt bad for what happened but couldn't help it.
She moved out, filed for and got a legal seperation, we got joint custody of our two young children. She moved into an apartment and they planned to live happily ever after. He was going to be a great father to our children, and life was going to be great.

What percentage of Affairs, oh, and by the way, my wife would never refer to it as an affair, it was a relationship. I am hoping that some of this is starting to sound familiar to you? anyway what percentage of Affairs make it to marriage? About 5%, guess they thought that were the lucky FIVE. Do you know what percentage of marriages that start as Affairs last? Well, that is about 30%, so let me do the math, 5% times 30% give you
a bombing 1.5% of the "relationships/affairs" that make marriage and LAST.

Well, I guess you can predect the end of this story, they were not the 1.5% or even the 5%, the affair took it course, ended and my W came home. We are now both doing very well and very happy.

The OM told my W that she ruined his life... guess he was not too happy about her returning to her husband. I have NO sympthy for him because IT WAS HIS CHOICE TO GET INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED WOMAN PERIOD. You have made that same choice, so you can either do the right thing and stop the AFFAIR or continue on, down deep inside you know what the outcome will be. The longer the A goes one, the harder it will be.. Do the right thing, I know that it is not easy, I know that you will hurt, but you will get over it and you will be a better person for doing what you know down inside is the right thing to do. We all make mistakes as we are human, but it is what we do after we make the mistake that is real important.

Dave

Hello TOG,

I am going to go out on a limb here and go against the grain. I do not think you are a bad person. I understand what you are saying. I have no way of knowing if you are one of those rare few couples that will live happily ever after. You may well be. Maybe she doesn't belong with her H. Heaven knows there are lots of very unloving, mean people on this earth...he may be one for all I know.

But here is what I do know....My H and I often spoke of how we had a love that was head and shoulders above most other married couples we knew. Finding out about his A was pain more than any I could even begin to try to describe to you. Let me tell you, that to say he cold-cocked me in the head is an understatement. For 4 of the 6 years we were married, he was in love and making love to someone else while portraying something completely different to me.

There are dozens of earth-shattering issues around all this but one of the most hurtful is that they both knew everything while I knew nothing. Why wasn't I afforded the same luxury right from the beginning so we could all make an informed decision on what each of us wanted to do and where things would go from there? Why did both of them deserve to know the whole truth and not I? Why did I deserve less honor, less respect and less of a voice? I was used, deceived and betrayed for 4 years while my H thought it was his right to decide the fate of the three of us. It still takes my breath away every time I think about it.

In the end, he called it off with her completely right after I found out about them. He has been working very hard at trying to put our M back together ever since (3 months now). I am too by everyday fighting against a very strong desire to leave him. The jury is still out on how our story will end.

The moral of the story is this....your girlfirends&#8217;s H deserves to know everything immediately and you deserve to be in a relationship where you know everyone is completely and absolutely informed. Until that time there is no way to predict who will do what even though it seems so predictable now. When emotions are involved, everything can change in a heartbeat. I&#8217;d be willing to wager that none of you, her H included, are evil, bad people. If he was, she would have already been divorced from him before you came along.

So I strongly urge you to ensure the necessary and morally correct steps are taken &#8216;immediately&#8217; in order for none of you to be any harder cold-cocked than at least one and maybe all of you already will be.

Hoping the best for all involved,
EC

1. What are you committed to? Marrying her? Messing around with her? Getting emotionally high with her?

2. Have you ever been married? Ever been cheated on?

3. Why do you feel sorry for her H?

4. Are you also sneaking around behind your own GF's or W's back?

5. True love is defined more by actions rather than feelings. If you love someone you will have that person's "best interests at heart". Do you?

6. Does her H know? If your answer is "no", take it from me a veteran BS, DON'T be so SURE!!!

7. Has she filed yet? Let us know when you have the answer.

8. Please answer my questions.

Thanks, Replaced

TOG.....
I can not understand why this W is still married.

And if those things weren't felt in the beginning of the marriage by both parties equally, wherein lies the blame?

If that is the case, she only has her self to blame. Unless of course this was an arranged marriage or forced to marry by gun point.

There seems to be alot of talking between yourselves here and not alot of doing.
Aint that easy !!!!

Don't be fooled by what you are told, you are only getting one side of the story.

This W needs to seriously get her ducks in a row and whilst she is at it you might want to line yours up as well.

The reality, TOG, is that you're getting snowed just like her H is getting snowed.

I have taped conversations of my wife speaking with the OM where she tells him how terrible her M is, how she suffers being with me, and then she turns around and is making love to me.

She also tells him she's fed up, and just waiting for me to "sign the papers", when she has NEVER, NOT ONCE talked to me about divorce, and we live in a state where my signing is not necessary. And then she turns around and is hauling me out to show me how she wants us to re-do the yard, and to look at the wonderful new homes being built close to downtown that she wants us to buy....

So, TOG...how sure are you that what you're hearing is the truth?

When I first started my affair, I to believed that I had met my soul-mate. The feeling's I had I thought were so unbelievable, I had never felt them before, and it would have been impossible for me to walk away from it, therefor I just had to continue the relationship, it wasn't my fault, it was unavoidable. I remember saying at the time that no matter what happened, any pain, was worth that moment in time.

In all accounts I was soooooooo wrong. Nothing compares to the pain of D-day; nothing compares to having a dream you had cherished, no matter how wrongly, crushed; nothing compares to hurting your loved ones. It's excruiating. And the myth that it was impossible to walk away, well I figured out how big of a myth it was when I forced myself to do it at d-day. It was very hard, I wished I had simply forced myself to do it at the early stages, it would have been so much easier. At the time I didn't talk about how hard it was with the OP, I didn't dwell on it, one day I just put the phone done, walked away and have never spoken to him again. It can be done but YOU HAVE TO JUST DO IT.

In the beginning and during my affair NOBODY could have convinced me not to do what I did. There was nothing that could have stopped me, no percentages, no facts, no experiences of how much pain I would cause and feel myself, nothing. For a person involved in an EMR that's a train wreck of emotions you have to feel for yourself.

Endevor,

I absolutely believe what you say… that many people involved in affairs have to go through the cycle and hit rock bottom before they can come out of it. It is not a time when a person is open to learning from statistics and other people’s experiences.

No all people are in affairs for love. Some are into what is more like a sport… perhaps for the chase. But I think that in both cases they believe what they are doing is what is right for them. They are not concerned about the feelings or needs of anyone else.

It is not until something happens to cause pain for the person who is having the affair, that the affair will stop. Guess it has to hurt more then it feels good before a person will stop the behavior. This is very much what it is like in many situations people get into. Not just affairs.

I think however, that it is still important for people who see it situation a little more clearly to keep trying to prod a person into a better direction. If your friend was a drug addict, would you not continue to encourage them to dry out and get help?

Dear OM,

Oh yes, I know your name. You were the husband of my wife's best friend in all the world. You were my friend. I helped you bless your children. You helped my wife and I move into our first house. Your wife offered to be a surrogate mother for us if my wife's infertility proved chronic.

Two months after your wife gave you twins, and two years after she gave you your first son, you came and stayed with us because "The September 11th thing really threw a wrench into your medical training with the AF." The truth was that you felt a "special" bond with my wife. It must have been hard being married to a woman who couldn't give you sex because she had just gone through the wringer having twins AND having to take care of 3 children. It must have been nice to stay with us... and not have dirty diapers and have my wife... at time when she needed me, playing hostess to you.

Her dreams and my dreams... were both coming to fruition and you justified sexual arousal and lust as love. You bought my wife's affection with coin of a "sympathetic ear". She was frustrated with me, but in her frustration couldn't see you for what you were or me for what I am. I will ensure that she never has that problem on my side of the fence again.

As for you, let me give you a painful reality check. You pressured her and she finally caved. But, she ended it. I don't know if it's because she loved me. At this point, it doesn't matter anymore. I just want you to know something. I have everything I need to halt your career maybe even destroy it. And that 'tender love' you and my wife shared... guess what? She loathes you too. She's scared to admit it for what it says about her, but I see it in everything she does. Stay very far away from us. Stay very far away from me. There are more consequences to what you have done that sexual release and the loss of my wife as your lover. I'd be happy to introduce you to some of them.

Till that day, I want you to dwell on the concept that what you bought from my wife has a price that you cannot begin to comprehend. One of these days, maybe from my hand, maybe from another's, maybe from your own wife's, you will reap the whirlwind.

ummm everyone -- I don't think he can hear you under the rock he crawled back under (plus I don't think they have ears)

everyone take a deep cleansing breath and move away from the post.....