Well... well, well, well...

Things have been happening quickly, so here's a link to my other "in progress" thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019238

So I had a session with IC/MC this evening. WW sees her weekly, and has been for months.

I had forwarded on a couple of WW's recent e-mails to IC/MC... my intention this evening was to take the pulse of things... to see if what WW is saying in private matches up with what she's saying to me in these messages...

IC/MC confirms that things ARE moving in a definite direction... that being of WW starting to emerge from the fog. IC/MC talked about how WW isn't quite there yet, but all signs are pointing in that direction, and we could be looking at a matter of weeks, not months!

You could have knocked me over with a feather.

IC/MC said that I've certainly got every right to toss in the towel right now, but she certainly encouraged me to stick it out for a while longer... kind of pepped me up like Steve has done so many times...

She said, much like you've said H4F, that WW needs to make the decision to do this for herself... but that OM is becoming less and less of a factor in her thinking. She agreed that WW has seen the possibility of losing me, and it's affected her greatly. IC/MC says she'd never support WW if she were returning out of fear, but that there are forces much deeper than that which appear to be surfacing... we even started talking about some facets of recovery, obviously qualified with "if and when"'s.

IC/MC also agreed with my plans and current stance.. I should keep doing what I've been doing, which is Plan B, with contact as it relates to business items - but also pleasant and kind (i.e. my "Plan A for life" philosophy).

IC/MC notes that WW has actually done a lot of work - on herself - lately. Of course I can't see much of that from my vantage point - Plan B and all.

So... all very encouraging. IC/MC made it clear she definitely does NOT believe WW is trying to "reel me in". She admits things are still built on shifting sand, but that there's a definite trend. She notes that WW DID feel immensely "free" and "happy" at first - but that's been changing big time lately. WW is clearly missing me.

IC/MC even admitted we could have probably stood to "Plan B" a lot earlier... but that in any case, she once again reaffirmed to me that I've done an admirable job throughout all this.

Wow... I'm in a little bit of shock right now... Nothing fundamentally changes... WW needs to come to me and say the things that H4F noted... but IC/MC seems to think this is only a matter of time now.

JR -

CONGRATS on the good news!!

We need a picture for your application as MB Poster Boy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Your story has been and will be an inspiration for others. Just be kind of careful about expectations. They can sneak up on ya.....

Gib

Awesome J.R.!!!

I hope things continue in the same pattern for you!!!

How validating to have counselor say the things that she did tonight!!!

Patience is what it seems to all be about!!! Stay patient!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

*boogie woogie shake shake oooh ya oooh ya*

I'm DANCIN for ya!

Still...give it time. The thing about a good counselor is the more they encourage you...the more you want to do the right thing so you gain more encouragement. I really liked my counselor and I wanted to make her proud...I REALLY wanted to BE everything she wanted me to be, but sometimes I just knew what the right thing to say was. I really was getting it...but not always to the extent she made me feel she thought I was.

You'll know though...if her tone changes to remourse and a desire to make you her king!! (vs the old selfish routine she's been in for a while)

This is good news, JR, good job!
Just remember my sig line...

That is good news JR. She will come around, It took me almost a year, and now I love my H just as much as the day I married him.

SJ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for the kind words, all...

Of course, it's WAY early... still in Plan B.

BUT... this is as good a sign as I've seen yet, after nearly 11 months.

It does make me regret not considering Plan B earlier, I suppose... but I had to "follow the rules"!

Another thing I forgot to mention... IC/MC totally agreed with my reasoning that I came to where we're living right now because of WW, so if we're not going to be together, there's no point in my staying. She validated that, saying she could understand that completely. Not that I needed her approval, but I think she realizes that I can / should consider the moving option seriously, if it turns out that WW isn't really serious about her current "shift".

(Also... an interesting thing to consider now is that if WW waffles back away from me, IC/MC is going to see that and KNOW something's up... I don't think WW wants to lose IC/MC's support, and if she "plays" her in any way, I think she'll be in for a rude awakening...)

It's going to be interesting to see how things develop. I didn't respond to her last message, since there's no business-related stuff I CAN respond to. I don't want to come across as cold, but I think WW is really starting to "get it" - her anger (formerly directed against me) will buy her NOTHING with me any longer. I'm not going to back down... Even if we hit recovery, I'm going to be one tough (but LOVING) guy!

Well, why not another update...

WW called my cell today... didn't answer. The message sounded important enough to return the call...

Turns out that in addition to the normal business stuff to deal with, she's suddenly been thrust into a position where she needs to make a major presentation at a conference next week. She's really nervous about it, and wanted to talk about it.

So we talked... Plan A while I did so... showed admiration a' plenty. And she said she was so glad to hear my voice, made her feel so much better. Said she misses me, she loves me, that I'm "the boss" when I told her to get some sleep, etc. Sure, I could have cut her off or avoided it altogether... But if I work with what IC/MC has given me, I'll give A LITTLE... I also did let her know I had to go... and will continue my course - which will not allow her back until certain things happen. But... more and more evidence of much clearer thinking.

That was another thing IC/MC mentioned... that OM figures less and less prominently in their discussions. This is something I'm not overly surprised by... I knew that he would NOT BE ABLE TO MEET BUT A FRACTION OF HER EN's. He's far too naive, far too young, far too selfish. I think she's seeing things for what they are - and there's no comparisons to be made... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You know...experience counts for more than many realize. Not only experience with dating and life in general...but also experience with the WS. The spouse knows them FAR BETTER than the OP possibly can. My OM had never dated either, but felt like he knew me because he'd been a friend for 10 years. Well...yea, but knowing someone in a social setting and KNOWING them are very different. And relationships..well..he thought he knew waaaay more than he really did. He felt he was prepared for everything...when in fact he was ONLY prepared for things to go right...because that's how he saw things happening in his mind. Yup, that good old fantasy bubble....POPPPPED. I'm sure it's the same way in your situation.

I woke up this morning next to my husband of 10 years and felt happy, peaceful, relaxed and comfortable. I never ONCE felt those things with OM because there was always guilt and nervousness and expectations etc... I'll take comfort and committment any day!!!

J.R.,
That is great news. It does sound like she's slowly coming around. Us 'Plan B'ers on this board are hanging on every good thing that comes of this! It's very encouraging.
Keep us posted!
KK

J.R.,
A question for you...
How did you get your WW to agree to go to counseling?
I would love for that to happen with my WH.
kk

kk, I posted a reply to your question on that new thread you started... hope it helps!

<small>[ August 01, 2002, 08:21 AM: Message edited by: J.R. ]</small>