Hi all,

I thought I'd throw this out there to gather up some ideas...

I want to create a list of things that could be considered "principles" of a healthy marriage (and life)... Things that'd be "essential" in order to be happy and make strides in recovery. As such, they'd play an important role in any Plan A (for life) experience.

Here's a few as examples:

- You don't have to act on every feeling that you have.

- You can "use your head" and still be a "feeling" person, that using your head can often guide your heart, with WORK. And WORK is always required for any relationship - there is no such thing as a free ride in anything.

- Romantic love is not unconditional, changes, and is based on the filling of EN's. It's like an airplane ride - the initial rush is exhilerating, but it does level off - and we often allow ourselves to get busy and forget we're flying - but that doesn't make it any less remarkable - and we should stop and take stock of that regularly. (The airplane analogy is SH's.)

Any other things that you have learned (either you or through others) that I can compile as a "master list" of things I'd like to "evaluate" WW's condition by before I feel truly "safer"? (I.e. has she REALLY learned what she needs to know in order to make a go of things... if and when that time comes.)

Bump - hmm, maybe I should have posted this one on Recovery <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (good sign, no??)

Maybe another one:

- Acting "as if" isn't fake or phoney or something Marge Simpson would say... it's a way of (re)training your heart. (I.e. for those people who think they "can never love again".)

Maybe this list is really a list of things we'd like to "educate" our WS's about... while in the midst of an A, that's impossible, but I'd like to believe that after it's done and they're willing to come back... at SOME point, I just want to believe they can read and understand these things!

This is a tough one JR; a list of principles by which to live for a healthy marriage probably does not match well with Plan A behavior.

Communication is the most important factor in a healthy relationship, IMHO. Being able to (really) listen without judgement and being able to talk without judgement or fear of judgement.

I believe this is good plan A stuff, that's part of what plan A is about - learning what makes a good relationship (whether it be with your spouse or anyone else). Its for you to learn how to recognise and practice and learn and grow. again IMHO

I just believe that advice and reading books are wonderful to give you ideas but the one thing that has seemed to "breathe" a little life into my marriage is realizing that we make up the rules.
Our marriages are all different and sometimes we get into the habit of peeking over the fence to say things should be this way or that way.
Marriages might be similar and have similar factors but no ones is going to succeed or fail because so and so's succeeded or failed.
I got ahead when i started thinking about what Layli and Laylis wh added up to. I spent too long thinking, "Well this happened or he is doing this and when it happened to this friend or this family member this happened."
All our marriages are like the colnels secret recipie. Only the 2 of you know what is going to work.
Probably sounds lame but I hope the message makes sense.
Layli