Feel very indifferent now.

I have been actually trying a little. Called my WW a couple times this morning just to say hi. She is cold and indifferent to me. She did not even bother to put her stuff down and talk. She just kept working, not even responsive to me, just silence. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It has been nearly 4 weeks since she announced that the A is over. Part of me still thinks there is something going on. I snoop quite a bit to find out, no evidence. She went on a couple of work functions with the OM there and I am curious if she made any contact.

Had a new idea this morning. I think it will be easier and better to just stay in the marriage. I am going to stop the fleeting thoughts of wanting a D. I guess the old addage "its cheaper to keep her," keeps coming to my mind. I guess you find me terrible for saying that.

I do not want to work on the Marriage now, I want her to. I want her to go and find MC. I did not make this mess of us, she did. She made me withdrawal from her and I do not care to regain my feelings for her on my own accord. I am starting to look more and more at women. My needs are great, and she is filling none of them. She burries herself her own wants, in work, her kids, (in that order) and maybe once in a blue moon she throws me a crumb. I am a handsome man, and I have quite a bit to give. I am thinking about maybe staying married and having a mistress. Why not? She did, and she could care less about my needs.

Well I am continuing to withdrawal.

I am sitting at work and can't seem to get motivated to do anything. My office is a complete wreck and I can't even bring myself to clean it. Just want to exist. I was wrong to think that I could find and keep hapiness and get motivation by having new stuff. I am so terribly lost and hopeless. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Chameleon - I know what you mean. I feel much the same way.

Chameleon,

Ditto here. I am pretty much where you are with my wife, although I do get more of a response from her and we do have many good days. i believe mine is also in withdrawal, but if you read my recent post, she is moving out into an apartment for a "short separation" in order to get a breather from the battle of our marriage that we have since i came home from bosnia in April and was confronted with the affair she had while I was gone. She had decided right after I left in September 2001 that the marriage was over (due to inattention, financial issues, etc) and when that happened, the OM walked in and became her friend. And then you know how that goes.

Anyway, do not give up. Believe me, I know how you feel, wanting someone to give you the attention you need, SF needs, etc. You want her to step up and "get with it." but thta has caused most of my LBs since I came home. And has probably made it the reason why she needs space...because I am in crisis/pressure mode and there is no way a WS can come along at the speed that we BS's want.

On the mistress deal, dont do it. I just got back from going to the water cooler and bumped into a very attractive woman who started up a conversation with me (I guess she is new here). Anyway, I'm thinking "Wow, I know how Eas/Pas start." As much as we need our ENs met, as much as we would like payback, take a look at your wife and the mess she has made of her life and who she has become. Is that really her? probably not. the mess she has created is from crossing that line and she is confused/scared/angry and doesnt know how or if she has the strength to get out. and maybe she wont. Maybe she might feel it easier to just leave all of the mess and start over. That is what I am trying to stop with my WW (Steve Harley and I both believe that EA/PA is probably over). that is why Plan A is so important. This is something i had better learn quickly. Plan A is to allow our WS to see that things have changed, that we can and will meet theie ENs, that coming home and regaining our love will not require them to go back to the way things were that caused the A.

If you cross that line like she has, you will not only add the hurt and pain of being a BS, but you will also add guilt, confusion and all the other feelings that come from being a WS. And you have pulled another person into your mess. And if you are a christian, you know right now that adultery is wrong and that you are not justified in doing it. Since she cheated on you, you are justified in divorcing her, but cheating on her while still married is not an option.

Again, I feel your pain. I am living an almost exact deal with my WW. We are getting along better, but I am still sitting in no-man's land, not knowing if my marriage is over. thus is the trials and pains of Plan A.

Hang in there. Pray. I didnt know it because my WW does not express her feelings readily right now, but i found outr through a mutual friend that the things I have positively been doing and saying are having an effect on her. It's like a seed in the crack of a sidewalk. It's just a seed, and it will take awhile and a lot of pain until that seed grows. but if we leave it alone, it will grow into a tree and crack and destroy that sidewalk.

The positive things that we do in Plan A are like that. most often there are not immediate results. Instead, each time we show our spouses the changes, the love, etc, it is another seed in that crack. And eventually, if all is well and we dont screw up, the walls that they have erected to us and to reconciliation begin to crack and then fall.

This will not be easy!!! I KNOW! I wish I could say that I have consistently done all that I have said above, but if you read my recent post, you will see that I am struggling. that is why all of us here need to keep pumping each other up. When I step back and watch a good plan A working, it is amazing.

Hang in there. You have no idea what kind of impact you are making on her. And even if she doesnt make it through it, the things we learn doing this and the strength we get, will help us in future relationships and in life.

In His arms.

"I am a handsome man" ... How nice a gift you've been given ! This is a pure gift , nothing you've earned. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Enjoy your handsomeness.

"I have quite a bit to give" ... Right now, all I can hear is your *Taker* speaking ... your *Giver* is very quiet. Is your *Taker* keeping score in your marriage? Is your *Taker* saying to you .... "NOPE ! I am not going to turn myself over to the *Giver* unless my *Taker* can be satisfied with the current score." ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

"I am so terribly lost and hopeless" We can tell. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .... ? Are you on anti-deptressants yet? You may not want to delay this any longer. Depression sucks the life out of us until we feel lost and hopeless ... and our *Thinker* cannot work.

I am thinking about maybe staying married and having a mistress"... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Nah ! We've ALL entertained this particularly lousy thought in an attempt to hide from the pain of betrayal. The only thing that would be accomplished by this would be another betrayal.... you would be betraying yourself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I do not want to work on the marriage now" ... OK ... fair enough. Work ON YOURSELF, your strengths and your integrity to function within the bounds of your core values despite being in very bad agony and emotional turmoil. This is a test of yourself. Rise and shine! ... and if you cannot *rise and shine* ... at least do not cover yourself with sin and shame.

(((HUGS)Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ July 31, 2002, 10:45 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Chameleon: just dropped by to see how you're doing.

I agree: work on yourself--give yourself a greater positive self image. Sounds like your W is going through withdrawal from the A possibly.

"New stuff" isn't going to make you happy. Do you have any personal goals you'd like to hit? I'm finding that by making small personal goals for myself, I can at least focus on something else to find some quieter, more serene times for myself. Things like I decided I wanted to bump up my travel for work a bit during this period. My Ds are all headed back to HS/college now, H seems willing to help out with the youngest ones while I do so... and I get to at least see friends/clients that I know and have fun with when I do so. And, it's productive. I hope possibly that I can publish something or submit a piece of a judging competition through all of this. And have volunteered to write tech reviews for a professional journal, too. On the home front, I've been doing small things like learning to put together DIY shelf kits (I'm 40+ and seldomly ever used a screw driver in my life... so I'm at least learning something...)

At least I can focus on stuff that takes me away from needing to contact H and talk to him, even though there's boocoo problems we still need to iron out (like legal problems w/a D's auto accident and some financial and house stuff). Finding new ways to use your energy does help.

I hear your frustration...