As I indicated for the last couple posts, I am preparing to initiate my WH leaving the house at least or instituting Plan B. I HAVE NO GUTS!!!!
I am so mad at myself that I cannot even bring up the subject.

It has almost been 6 months and my WH emotional detatchment is really wearing on me. That is his way of emotionally abusing me I know. His outward anger has turn to the children. He yells at them all the time, forgets what they tell him and basically badgers them until I say something then, it stops almost immediately.

WH wants to please me just not touch me. I don't like the person he has become and he needs to reflect his action. Can't force him to do that but can save myself and children.

I know what I must do but I cannot get enough guts to do it. What is wrong with me. My family does not deserve this. He is the one who made poor choices and refuses to remedy them. I fear for him. He is loosing me and now the kids. None of us can take it anymore!

So why am I gutless? I have no problem at work taking care of unkind problem employees. My moto is "treat others as if you were the other". Dignity and respect is so important. I usually have no patience for such cruelity. And WH usually has no patience for hilbillies like the OW. What is up with this? My other moto is "people don't remember what you say or do but, how they make you feel." He makes me feel small and insignificant. Why do I continue to enable him.

Recipe for guts please <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Try this ... brainstorm your fears .... close your eyes and clear your head of the days everyday concerns ... then put pen to paper and begin writing ... nothing has to make sense ... just keep the word F E A R in bold black letters in your mind ... see what your unconscious can reveal to you about what your fears might be.

Sometimes this helps.

If you want to share what you wrote ... then do so.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

One more thought ..

"He makes me feel small and insignificant." ... well .... nooooooooo ... you might be accepting that this IS the truth about yourself ... and THAT is what makes you feel small and insignificant .... his words cannot "make" you feel anything without your full cooperation. If you withdraw your cooperation, and no longer accept that what he speaks is the truth ... then what ??? YOU will have to determine just what and who you are YOURSELF ... and does THAT thought scare you?

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

RNROSCOE

I am new to this board and have not read your previous posts but I am in somewhat the same situation as you. My WW does not want to touch me. We do not sleep in the same bed. I feel completely emotionally isolated. I have given her ultimatums but nothing seems to work. You can probably relate, right? First, don't be so hard on yourself. It's not that you are gutless. Instead, you care deeply about your family and can't stand to see them torn apart by your husband's stupidity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I too have been dreading taking the "next step" but I realize I have to, because like you, if I do not then I will also be enabling her. For whatever reason, I am not a psychiatrist, some people do not respond until they literally see everything falling apart around them. My W seems to be one of those people. Your H may also be. I hope you find some comfort in these words. Good luck.

Respect yourself.

Why should he if you don't? And if you do -- then stand up for yourself. You are deserving of better treatment. And its long past time to start receiving it.

AND -- if thats not reason enough, do it for your children. You're a mom. It should be your #1 instinct to provide the best home and environment for your kids. And that means the [censored] needs to go -- until he gets his act together.

Its one thing to treat me like crap -- I'm a grownup and I make my choices. But its a whole different deal when someone starts treating my kids poorly -- I don't care if its their Dad.

He's just not doing the best he can for you or for them. So give him a time-out until he can start being a valued member of your family.

This is no way to give your very impressionable kids a view of marriage. Is this the pattern you want them to learn? You've got daughters. What would you tell them to do if this happened to them? How long would it be OK for them to live this way?? If your son-in-law was cheating on them and making them miserable, what would you advise them to do?

Pepperband...
I am a very physical person. I love touch. He didn't when we first met and I helped him find intimacy in touch alone. That has long gone when the A started. He has used this against me in that he knows touch is a tactle and emotional need of mine. He chooses to provide for me financially but is emotionally detached in every way. WH feels that this is the only way to rebuild is by detaching and reattaching however, I am not trusting his motive. I think he can rationalize anything in his own mind to justify what he is doing. The rejection makes me feel small and insignificant.

Yank...
I am so sorry for you. It is sooo painful. My WH and I still sleep in the same bed so, I have false hope that cuddling or touch may be in the picture. It just never is. I allow myself to say maybe tonight is the night only to be rejected. I think his rejection may be easier if it was not in my face everyday. With him not there I could sleep at ease. I still try to sleep in nice night gowns and the whole bit hoping I will get some reaction. It just never comes and when it does it is done for pity and guilt on his part. I do not want that. I want my self respect back but there is the rub. No guts to do it. So, the shell of a once beautiful marriage continues....

Darling fellow RN....

His rejection of you is a statement of his personal integrity issues ... his emotional detatchment is his way of control, his way of guarding ... and it makes you feel small because ?????

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Don't question your intestinal fortitude, your have persevered through things a lesser person could never do. Pepperbands idea about making a list is excellent, it will get your thoughts down on paper and give you something to look and process effectively. You should also try and make a list of positives and negatives for each scenario you might face. Make a column for staying with WH or having him leave, then start listing whatever you feel are the positive and negative points of each. Eventually you will be able to match (+) points with (-) points and see if they cancel each other out or if one out weighs the other. I get the feeling that your fear of the unknown (having WH leave) is hindering your decision to go to Plan B. That's ok, try making the list and see if it helps you remove the emotional part of this decision.

Also, have you read and of the Divorce Busters books. One of them has an excellent section on something called "cheeseless tunnels" and doing a 180. Sounds like maybe you are in a similar situation. Maybe its time to try a radical departure from what you are doing in order to invoke a change from WH.

Stay strong, RN, you're persistence and willingness to see this through is a model for a lot of us.

To all of you...
THANKS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I need to hear that I am not being selfish. I want my needs met in an appropriate manner. I feel that the A was so incredibly selfish on the WH part. He missed the kids swim meets and family function to be with OW. I know he is tormented but it is so unbelievable what he did to me and the kids twice. I have always stood behind him. I even gave up my dream job after the first A to move to save our marriage. The S was 4 at the time and my D was one. After the recovery my 3rd came along. The one time that I needed him to stand behind me because of a stressful job and overwhelmment of family responabilities (child with disability) he had another A with someone I hate.

I feel so selfish to want him gone because I wanted my kids to have a conventional family. And you are right... I don't have the guts to say what is in my heart... If someone did this to your daughter what would you do? WH is so inwardly focused, it would probably not make a difference. And maybe that's what he wants for me to kick him out so he can blame it all on me.
But I did defend my son when he again called him stupid and an idiot. I told him he will reap what he sows. Son will be what you expect him to be. I on the other hand have to be damage control.

Today I am angry and sad. I hope I can muster the courage to part ways until he can see the only he can make himself happy not OW or me or Kids.

Thanks again. I love when you all talk to me! I can feel the hugs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

RNROSCOE,

You're not selfish. You're not gutless. You have a strength of character that will be rewarded one day somehow, someway. Your H is too self absorbed to recognize. Sorry about his luck if he doesn't wake up soon.

I feel stronger today. I hope it is a growing trend. I will have private time with him this weekend and I hope to lay the ground work for separation. I feel that I will be civil and non threatening to preserve what feelings I have left for him which I don't even know how to explain.

A couple of my friends have boosted my ego in a way my WH has never done. The only commentary on my appearance was when he did not like the hairdo or what I had on. Never a you look nice or great for your age. I have tried hard all my life to keep myself thin and attractive for my husband. WH doesn't appreciate it then, I realized I did it for me. I like how a look and my friends reenforced my self worth. Courage comes from within and slowly I will become the woman I want to be.

This brutal attact on my self esteem has taken its toll. It is time for me to stop pitying myself and move on. WH can be a part of it or not.

There, That's better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry for the spelling! Not enough coffee yet! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />