I just joined this forum as a new member. I have been married fourteen years. I have had an affair, which started last October when I sought out a former lover who was the woman that I wanted to marry around twenty years ago before I met my wife-to-be. She and I emotionally connected just like we did before, and I resisted sexual intimacy until April, even though we were very attracted to each other. The affair is essentially over, but my lover and I are still in contact with each other thru phone and email, seemingly as friends. The affair has been fully disclosed to my wife, but I am having extreme difficulty recommitting to the marriage. We are still in our house together, but in separate bedrooms. I know that I am addicted to my lover, but it has very deep roots that predate the marriage and I truly believe (and I don't think I'm deceiving myself - I wish I was because it would be easier) that my lover is my soulmate. The affair has damaged my relationships with both my wife and lover, but all my emotional energy is devoted to repairing whatever the relationship is with my lover. I knew I was always uncomfortable with the idea of the affair and I constantly tried to distance myself from my lover, but was obviously unsuccessful. I got myself to therapy during the affair, which has allowed me to really look at myself and my failings in my intimate relationships. But at a very emotional and spiritual level, I want to leave my marriage for my lover because of the strong feelings for her that I have had almost all of my adult life. And a sincere belief that we have a foundation that would make a committed relationship work. And yet, I have not left my marriage, but it feels like I am getting closer to that point. Thoughts any of you have about this situation would be greatly valued and appreciated.

Hi Randy,
Welcome to MB. This is a great place! It has helped me tremendously.

Now on to your situation. I was in a similar place that you are in now about 10 months ago. Here is a link to my story if you would like to check it out. My Story

I guess the first thing I would ask you is, what do you want to do. My guess is you must have some desire to salvage your marriage if you are here. Have you read everything here about affairs and how they should end and how to recover?

Another thing, I think you owe it to your wife to work on your marriage first. Does she know about to continued contact? It really isn't helping to keep in contact with this woman even on a "just friends" basis. It will keep that spark alive.

I know what it is like to have an A with an old lover. It is very intense and it brings to surface a lot of old feelings, and very quickly I might add.

But if you want to give your marriage a chance, you really need to sever all ties with the OW. It will be painful, and you will go through withdrawal. We are all here for support.

Are you still see a therapist? How about a marriage counselor? I would suggest both.

You can work through this if you really want to. I am living proof.

Take care, and let me know if I can offer you any more insight.
1step

1stepatatime,

Thanks for your quick response. I agree with your advice, I have got to come to a point of decision very soon to either recommit to the marriage or to leave. And what's scaring me is that I'm leaning toward leaving even though there is no certainty of getting back with my lover. I am starting to focus on the negative traits of my wife and it feels I'm on the brink of making a decision, but don't know how to get myself back from a potentially negative one. And my spiritual and moral side has always valued the sanctity of marriage, so I don't just want to throw it away on a set of very strong feelings.

I'm seeing a therapist every week and so is my wife. We are not having marriage counseling because of my current ambivalence. Obviously there is a lot behind my seeking the affair. In many ways I feel like I haven't grown to be the strong emotional person I was hoping for by this time. And in many ways, that is changing for the positive for me even now. While I take the major responsibility for that, I also view my wife as enabling it and tend to blame her for her role in "holding me back". I am the passive partner and she is controlling. And I'm not sure how emotionally committed we have been to each other during our marriage. Even though I am a very sensitive man, I have held myself back from giving to her more than just fun times, a nice lifestyle and sex. In our dating period, I felt I wanted to connect emotionally to her, but there is something about her personality, an "edge" so to speak, that doesn't feel warm and nurturing to me as I've experienced with my lover. And mutual friends have commented on this "edge" in my wife. It is certainly a personality issue that didn't fit with my vision of what my life partner would be like and it feels like I settled for something less.

Now perhaps if my wife understood this "edge" and was committed to working on it, I might feel more hopeful. But it seems very characteristic of her family and I don't know how someone changes and modifies that to tone it down. And I have helped enable her to be that way by my emotional detachment from her. What is odd is that I do love my wife, but I'm not sure I really like her because she comes across so pretentious sometimes.

Randy,
I'm not quite sure what to tell you. Have you talked to your wife about her "edge"? Is she aware of it? Perhaps that is why marriage counseling would be good for the both of you. It may help you to get things out in the open. Just because you are ambivilent at this point, does not mean that marriage counseling could not benefit you in some way.

The fact that you are seeing negative things in your wife is being clouded by the OW still being in the picture, even if it only as "friends". She is only reinforcing your negative thoughts of your wife just by being there.

I'm not here to tell you what to do. But wouldn't you feel better if you knew that you gave your marriage every chance in the world? Right now I think your judgement is clouded and reuniting with a lost lover only takes you back to a time when you were younger and had no responsibilities. I know... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Right now you are emotionally charged. I would not make any permanent decisions at this point.

Hope this helps,
1step