Do people have to admitt why they were drawn to another person for the marriage to work out? My husband says he don't know why he should other woman affection and stop showing me affection, didn't realize he was doing it and hurting me. He thought they were only friends. This isn't a situation where they went to bed, only because they never got a chance to be alone. It is a couple we camp with every weekend or did up until 3 weeks ago when this thing came to a head.
I have ask over and over what drawed him to her and he doen't know he said. I have tried everything. Her size to my size, he she prettier than me, attractiveness, sex, whatever. Telling him to be open and honest with me is the only way we are going to know what the beast was. So far same old thing. I ask him if he thought she was pretty, he said no not really, I ask him when he looked at me what he saw, he said my wife a lovely person, ask him when he looked at me if I was pretty( he always used to tell me that I was) and he said no I was just as pretty as Cheryl. He keeps saying he never thought of her in a sexual way,never. RIGHT! I just didn't fall off the turnip truck. I don't know how we are work this out. We met with the other couple Sun. and they couldn't see what the problem was. When I told them I had a photo taken at a dance and they were head to head and her arms around his neck and his arms around her waist they seen nothing wrong with this beens we were all close friends. I do see someting wrong with this. Is this just me that is wrong here or what. He still thinks we can be friends with these people and he will just watch his action from now on. Well I don't think way down deep he can do this if he didn't realize he was doing things before that was wrong for a married man to do.
I need some help, I have printed out all the info from this site and filled out all the questionaires and waiting to see if he mentions reading any of the material or wants to fill out the questionaires also. I feel like I am pretending on working on a marriage that is going to fall back into the same spot with these people.
He is acting like his old self when we are together and says he wants our marriage like it was or better. We have been married 31 1/2 years.
Anyone got anything to tell me on this. I am getting no where only better treatment at home like it once was.
HELP!!!!!!!
Huggy

Huggy,
I'm not certain from your post what has happened, other than you've seen a picture of your H dancing with the friend and it appears inappropriate to you, and he's been too friendly with her?

I think in your place I would suggest taking a break from this other couple. Let a couple months go by, and if there's no interaction between your H & the OW, then perhaps the 4 of you can be friends. Maybe not so much camping together so often, I would guess that some of the intimacy barriers have come down with so much proximity.

If your H refuses to take a break, well, I'd see that as a problem. Who, and what, is more important, you and your feelings, or the friends? You as your H's wife should be his priority.

Anyway, cutting contact for awhile is a place to start.

It really isn't up to the other couple what you and your H do. It doesn't matter if they don't see a problem, you do. And, you don't actually owe them any further explanation, since you have talked to them.

I believe in gut instincts and I doubt you are wrong about your H being on the brink of doing something wrong, or actually being over-involved with this woman.

Best wishes to you.

He just stopped treating like he had treated me for 31 years. Things like little pet names, and patting which he had always done. Completely ignored me at the dance and he started calling her pet names he once called me. All he ever wanted to do is go to the camper. He didn't want to go anywhere where our kids and grandkids were ( they are all married) Just things like that and when I seen the picture of the two of them his arms around her waist, her arms locked around his neck and her head thrown backwards so her face and his face was together, it got the best of me and I confronted him with it. He says there was no attraction and didn't realize he had been acting that way towards her and stopped acting to me the way he always had (31yrs of it). I have recently lost 90 lbs ( had gastric bypass surgery) because of health reason. We have talked to a minister and to a close friend and both told me that he loves me and that is all he talks about when they are with him. The other womans husband told me the same thing. I think part of his problem was insecurity about my weight loss, some guy he worked with told him that he knew of two woman that had this surgery and lost weight and now are divorced. I think he let this play with his mind, and Cheryl being close and being with her every weekend, caused him to think. She was half my size, made a point this summer to come to our camper before and after she went to pool (never done that before) and just little things in general.
We talked last night and he read some of the things from this site I printed out, and we answered the questioners, and that brought a lot of light on his behaviour. I think things will work out between us, but don't think I will be able to be in the situation of every weekend camping with her and her husband for a while yet. She is very quiet person and sly. Her and I have nothing in common at all, the men do. I am just pulling back for while and see how things go here. I told him to me friends like her and that beautiful camping spot was not worth our marriage and love and he agreed.
I hope the explains the situation a little more.
If you would like to email me that is fine. I think he had a case of middle age crazy, and in the back of his head thought I as going to get skinny and leave him. Go figure, but after almost 4 weeks of talking and agruing this is the best we could come up with. He has started treating like he always did in the past and we are doing more together just the two of us and going around other old friends that we had ignored for some time. I think some was my fault not saying something earlier to him about his behaviour. You just get used to being comfortable with each other and begin to think it is your imagination working or that is what I as thinking. He has always been here and will always be here and he thought the same about me, and when the weight started coming off, alarms did too in his head. Don't know if this makes since to anyone, but it is the best for now we have come up with. We are still continueing the material on this site to get on with our marriage and work things out like before and better.
Thanks for your answer to my question.
Huggy