Dreamland - I wish I could help you. My turning point was on d-day.

You see, as hard as it is for anyone to see, and I would never dare tell my DH this, but my XOM is not a bad person, just as I am not. It's so much easier to think the OP is this bad person, and I'm sure that is true in many cases. My XOM is not all that bad. We shared a lot and he was there for me many times. Eventually there came a point in our affair that we talked about the what ifs (we got caught, etc.). He knew I would never leave my marriage. He knew I would do what I could in the event of getting caught to save my marriage. We agreed that it would be best to go our own ways, that is the right thing to do, etc., but we were in too deep and it was so hard to do as long as it was under wraps.

My DH came to me with suspicians that I denied. He said all he wants is his wife back. I tried desperately to do just that, but the EA continued. I refused to tell DH the truth because I didn't want to cause more pain, and I thought I could do the right thing without it. XOM was my support. He was who I had to talk to when I needed a shoulder to cry on about the affair. I know this was wrong, now, but at the time I thought it would work. He said we should just part, but I said I needed his friendship.

Anyhow, d-day came and it all came out. It was at that point that I was able to cry on my DH and to begin the road to recovery. XOM was understanding and didn't add any extra pressure. He wished me well and left on good terms. He apologized over and over again for the pain he caused me. As I tried to point out it was my fault as well, he insisted on taking all the blame.

In my case at least, the XOM is no worse than me. He didn't try to keep me when I said I wanted to work on my marriage. He left me alone, as he promised my DH he would do.

Me, it was the pain in his eyes on d-day that crushed me like a boulder had fallen on my head. I died that day as I saw my DH's spirit wither away. I so long to revive that spirit, and I hope that one day he and I will be able to accomplish that.

I don't know how much this will help you, and I hope I have answered your questions. I pray that one day you too will find yourself in recovery with a wife who so desires to help rebuild you into the man that you can be with a wife that truly loves you. My best to you always.

Hi Tutter! I'm sorry about what happened yesterday. It sounds like your night was a little better. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. Hang in there lady! This is a bump in the road.

You'll both come out much stronger in the end.

Thanks tutter13,

After D-day, my wife used me for support about their A. She cried on my shoulders and asked for my advise, which I gave unjudgingly. This went on for four months until, finally, she decided that it would not work with OM because of her fear of OMW. Prior to this, WW said she comitted to OM and was going to marry OM. She had decided that our marriage would disolve and she did not care. Now, I do not think much has changed in her mind except the fact that she will not marry OM (I think). She thinks that divorce is the right thing because of what she did. I guess I am crazy for still trying. I am hopefull that her feelings will change, but it is hard to see that recovery is possible without both of us trying. I am not strong enough to lead us both out of this mess. Sorry for taking up space on your thread.

Your story sounds so much like mine... it's eary... I'm glad you are doing better this morning.

Finding - Thank you for checking in on me. It feels good to know you all care.

Dreamland - Don't worry one bit about taking space on my thread. If it helps, I don't mind sharing.

It's hard for the WS to accept that they deserve to have their spouse love them and keep them. It's hard to believe it because sometimes we are harder on ourselves then our BS is. If she loves you and is feeling this way, she will come around. Don't give up. Let her know that you love her and want to make the marriage work. Let her know that you forgive her and it's ok if she has a hard time forgiving herself right now.

I had such a hard time for a long time dealing with the fact that my DH could still love me so much after what I had done. I didn't even really like myself, so how could he. I mean, we always hear that we have to like ourselves in order for others to like us. Well, to an extent that may be true, but I now know it's not always correct. One day my husband and I were talking and I was crying. I was saying how much I hated myself, and what I've done to him, our family, our marriage, etc. He asked what I needed from him, what he could say. I looked at him with tears and told him "I need to know it's ok for me to not like me. I just need to know it's ok!" He put a hand out to me, which I accepted, and pulled me close to hold me. Then as gentle as possible he told me, "it's ok." But, before I could say anything he added, "it's ok, but I still like you." You know what, it helped tremendously just knowing it was ok for me not to like me. Now mind you, I don't always feel that way, but when I do at times (when the triggers may bring him down and I see again what I've done) I know it's ok to not like myself, and I know it's possible for him to still like me 'cause he does, even when I don't. It makes a world of difference.

One day I will like myself the way I should, but that day will come when I have shown my husband the love passion and completeness that we can share as one. It's ok though, because he still likes me and our love will keep us strong.

I hope this helps. My best to you, and don't you worry about sharing my thread, I don't mind one bit.

Tutter, Don't worry about your H hating the OM. It's his right. And, it doesn't mean your H hates you as well. Many BS hate the OP, can't hate the WS for long, because the BS loves the WS and wants the marriage. The BS generally doesn't want anything from the WS, except maybe an apology, or for them to cease to exist...but that is another thing that can't be controlled. But the OP is an easy target to focus all the negativity, even if it isn't exactly sensible.

I don't forsee every having positive feelings for the FOW, and I have to see her at my H's work Xmas parties, retirements, etc. We all can choose who we like and who we willingly associate with, the BS doesn't have to ever like the OP. I doubt she's really aware of my animousity, because, I don't look at her, no matter how close by she passes me, and she does like to get in my line of view <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

I think if I didn't have to see her every so often, my negative feelings would fade. No contact would be lovely!

We don't talk about the OP, except for accountability. We've chosen for them not to be a part of our lives, so no use dragging them up in conversation, which inevitably becomes a lovebuster to one of us. Works for us.

That's just it Lor, we don't see the OM. It's been a year and the extreme rage is still there, at least I saw it yesterday when we talked about it. Most of the time it's not evident, but I saw that rage and hate last night. Will it ever fade? Did it take you long to get to where you are?

Thank you for your insights. I'm just not sure if it's good. I know it's his right to have the negative feelings, I sure would, but I just don't want it to be a block in our path to recovery.

Thanks again for your time and thoughts.

Sorry you are having a hard time tutter. I wanted to reply to you especially since you were my only reply earlier in the week. You sent me good encouragement.

I also would not worry about your DH's hatred for OM. It is something that he has to work out either alone, with you or with counseling. I dealt with my hatred for OM through my faith. I realized that he's not a terrible person, just one that made terrible choices and took advantage of a person (my W) during a weak time. Something we are all capable of. Hatred to me is a waste of my time and effort. I can't change what happened in the past. Do I want to be his buddy? No way. We all have to deal with challenges in our own way.

Sounds like you are doing better and I hope your weekend brings hapiness and progress.

TSNC - I am glad to hear from you. My weekend should be real good actually. I am all up for the party (father-in-laws birthday) tomorrow and way excited about the Gravity Games on Sunday. I think we are going to have a blast as a family.

Faith? - I've seen that mentioned throughout this thread. You are the first to show how you applied it in the hatred and I think it makes a lot of sense. We are catholic, but we don't go to mass all that often. I think it is well past due to start going regularly, and maybe it will help us some more.

Thank you for posting and sharing your inside on this. It really helps. How long did it take you to get past the hate? I hope that now that I know it is still so real, and he has taken the time to voice it that we can begin to work through it. He has said things like OM is a person who made a mistake and took advantage of me, etc., but the hate still is there. I have a book I may try to get him to read that I think will help, it's about damage souls or something. I don't remember the title, but it was a good book and helped me a lot, especially to understand my husband. I think it would do him a lot of good. Plus, I do believe that going to mass more regularly will do us all good.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond to me. I appreciate it. I hope you are doing better. My best to you.

tutter13,

Thanks for your insite. It does help. Your story is very encouraging.

Tutter,
AT least some of what you are describing in your H, especially since you clarified things with him, sounds like the grief process, which has stages of both despair & anger & there are times people get stuck at a stage or go back & forth for awhile.

I doubt it is unusual for the grief process to last a year. Or linger.

Length of my timeline is always difficult for me to use for comparison, with 7 separations over 21 months, H's EA/PA 2+ years, 3-4 d days...the OM for me. Our final reconciliation took place 5/00. THe second year of recovery was much better than the first.

Anger then hatred are what I reactively felt twoard OM after discovery. It probably took two months to set both feelings aside. OM being my W's boss for many years prior to A gave me opportunity to have casual knowledge of OM before A. OM and I never got to know each other very well. But having some familiarity with OM reminded me that this person was not evil and not out to get me. The combination of not knowing OM personally but casually helped me recover from anger and hatred I felt. OM, my wife and I did have a chance meeting one day at lunch. We were already eating and all but finished when he walked in. She saw him first and as soon as I did she comfirnmed that it was him. I'm sure she did not know how I would react. I simply asked if she was ready to go and we left. We live in a mid to small town and I'm sure it will happen again. I looked at it as it was a test for us all.

In regard to faith, ironically as we began to recover our relationship our church began a series of sermons on celebrating recovery. So much of it hit home. I can't tell you how many times over the course of five or so sermons we would squeeze each others hands because the message being delivered applied to us and what we have been through. You can recover from so many things in life if you try. I sense that you will.

Take care

Thank you all for your thoughts and insights.

I am feeling much better today and so look forward to the weekend. After being more rationale and reading your posts I think I can understand that it's normal and I know it isn't on the surface all the time. I just so wish I could take it away from him. I hate so much to see it in his eyes, and then know I put it there.

I forgot to tell all of you - he agreed to marry me again! I asked him last night if he would and he said yes. Then to confirm what I meant I told him that I meant that I wanted to renew our vows and would love if he would. HE SAID YES!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Now I have to decide what date? I was thinking our wedding anniversary because I want that day to remain special. I'm not sure yet, but I am just so pleased he actually wants to recommit to me that way.

Again, thank you so much for being here for me. I cannot explain how much of a God send you have all been.