Since you make me smile and you seem so genuinely honest, what is your take?

Next week I am on vacation. I have made day plans with the kids to take them several places. My WH is working because he doesn't want to use any more vacation (because he used too much up on OW). Anyway, a recently divorced friend asked me to go to dinner with her. She knows about the A and is supportive in my decission to stick it out as long as I can because her H and herself wished they hadn't done the D. My WH knows she knows. He got very defense that I made all these plans that don't include him. Should I back off? Does he feel threatened? Or am I leaving him out of the loop which is what he accused of me doing that drove him to the affair? Of course I get the usual I don't care with attitude.

By the way thanks for bucking me up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm not Lexxxy....but this caught my eye.

Not up to date on alot of peoples stories anymore either....but here's my take on this.

This situation sounds more controlling than your H being left out of the loop.

A dinner with a friend is not leaving your WH out of the loop.....but having dinner with a recently divorced friend may be what is putting your H on the defensive side.

He may think that this friend will put ideas into your head and that you may decide that a divorce is what YOU need.

My xWH did the same thing.....he was afraid that if I associated with single friends that I would decide that the marriage wasn't what I wanted afterall.....especially with everything that I had been through.

First thing that caught me about your post was that you said your H says you leave him out of the loop........yet he is the one leaving himself out this time....by not taking any vacation days.....yet is somehow going to put all of the strain on you for it. WS's are good for that.

My opinion.....let him know that if he would have taken some vacation time that he would have been included in all these plans.....but since he didn't want to.....you went ahead and made plans for yourself. Go out to dinner with your friend and have a good time.

Sounds like next week is simply a preview of what happens to a guy when he neglects the needs of his wife to the extent that she decides to Plan B him.

Well, he's invited -- and he's decided not to join you. So let him pout all he wants and go have a good time.

And frankly with his bad attitude, you and the kids will probably have more fun without him.

No you should not back off. In fact the next time he throws a hissy fit your way about these plans it might be an opportune moment to drop a big ol Plan B hint.

You are NOT leaving him out of the loop. You have drawn a big loop, pointed it out to him, invited him to come in the loop with you, and told him how much fun the loop is. If he's out, its cuz he didn't want to get it.

By the way -- you remind me of me. It seems like you've gone a long time without getting your needs met. Have you read the "walk-away" wife stuff in Divorce Busters? The marriage builders pieces that really struck home with me were about Giver and Taker, and the process of withdrawal in a marriage.

I think Plan B is entirely appropriate in this circumstance. I wish I had these tools back then.
Instead of having a stupid affair.

Thanks for the input. I don't know why I care what he thinks anymore. He definitly is out of the loop.

I hope I muster the courage because this [censored] footing around this tormented fragile man is getting a little too hard to swallow. I think I can do it. I hope he is as cranky as ever tonight. That will add fuel to the fire <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It is funny how you don't realize how neglected you are until you honestly self search and find out what make yourself tick. The hansome 18 year old I fell in love with looked so good to me until this happened. I overlooked the 50 lb weight gain, the lazyness, the berating of my children and me, the total lack of respect for my feelings. WH has screwed up and I see more clearly than before. I was the one in the fog and now I want more. Can he be that man...
Tune in same time next week....

Thanks Lexxxy

I recognize so much of my situation in yours!

My H also had a lot of issues in dealing with the kids -- never built a good relationship with the oldest. He says some of the most horrible stupid things to him. Yep -- berating.

Also lived very selfishly -- did what was important to him. The rest of us were on our own. And we usually had a better time without him, but I always felt compelled to try to include him and make it better for him. I'd spend more time catering to his needs to make him happy -- so the rest of us could enjoy the day.

UGH.

Happy to be single. Happy to be alone with my kids. I love life without the stress of him.

People can't beleive he is the one having the affair. They thought I would have been fed up long ago. I was in a play in college, had the lead. We were only dating at the time and he became so insanely jealous of all the attention I was getting. He felt left out, I was okay but not worth all the commotion. My mother, who is now deceased, told me don't ever let him rain on your parade. I have for 21 years!

The affair started at an incredibly bad time at work. I was working 10 hour days, I had to bust and employee for drugs and was so over whelmed with all and I mean all the household affairs. In addition, my sone has a learning disability. WH was no help at all. Instead had an affair because I did not meet his needs. Then, went out and bought me a 3 stone diamond aniversary ring out of guilt.

He is brutal to my son and there is no relationship left with his father. He hates him and can't wait until I throw him out. My son has been through so much and he never gives him credit for any accomplishment. It is quite sad when a child knows their parent doesn't like him.

I don't know if he will ever wake up. And I like you are starting to beleive I would be better off single <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hi RNROSCOE

Don't mean to butt in (actually I do) but my WS tries the same guilt trips on me. Somehow they just don't "get it". They put us through H... and are poster children for selfishness and self centerdness. Then they have the gall to act defensive because our plans don't include them??? Geeeeeeeeeez!

Miss Priss & Yank...
Sorry to ignore you. I love everyone's input. It keeps me sane! It is amazing to me that everyones stories strike a similar note. I read one and think it is so like me the the next one is even closer. Must be the human in us all not that any of our WS's look human to us now. More like aliens <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am so tired of it all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> It angers me that they hold us in libo. If you've seen Shreik, it is like Donkey "pick me, pick me". It is so degrading. We are they ones that should be calling the shots but everytime I think I have enough gumpsion to do it, I crumble. I know my day will come. I look at myself in the mirror and know that although I made mistakes in my marriage, I don't deserve this.

I need to stick to "If you love something enough, let it go free. If it is yours, it will come back. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with."

We all will survive. Everything in time.

Thanks for your thoughts and input. Butt in anytime <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm a strong believer that the respect needs to be equalized in this situation, and that staying in Plan A for too long causes the WS to lose respect for the BS.

While the affair is going on, they have enough respect for the BS to hide and try not to let them know whats going on.

With discovery comes the fear and expectation that the BS will leave. If the BS instead goes to Plan A, there's a period of time where the WS feels gratitude and is open to being swayed by the Plan A efforts. But by staying in Plan A, the WS soons sees that the BS is willing to endure anything and the WS no longer has any reason at all to "rush" things along.

You MUST go to Plan B to regain respect. You must be ready to walk away from it all.

And RN -- I think its especially important for a mother with daughters to do so as an example of strength and independence. I know that the natural instinct is to protect your kids from the disruption to their lives, but in the meantime they see you lowering your standards and excepting terrible treatment.

Stay strong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You MUST go to Plan B to regain respect. You must be ready to walk away from it all.

And RN -- I think its especially important for a mother with daughters to do so as an example of strength and independence. I know that the natural instinct is to protect your kids from the disruption to their lives, but in the meantime they see you lowering your standards and excepting terrible treatment. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't want to be difficult.....but Plan B is not a sure thing in gaining respect. I never went to Plan B and know that in my situation it wouldn't have worked.

I do however wholeheartedly agree with you lexxxy when you said the above about showing strength and independance to your children.

My daughters are the reason behind me being able to let my H go his own way....not worry about what HE was doing....focusing on myself and the girls.

Not only did I teach my daughters that you CAN live without having a man in your life...that you cannot let another person control how you feel...but my H saw the change also....this is one of the main reasons we are back together today.

He looked for that strength in me for years....but I was so dependant on him that I never realized I could be independant until all of this happened.

When my H came out of the fog and ended his A and came to me a couple of weks later wanting to reconsile...he was almost too late. I was ready to move on without him. I had become SO independant that I no longer needed him.....but a part of me still WANTED to be with him.

My H actually had to convince me to work on our marriage. There actually IS a breaking point when you say.....I can't do this anymore and walk away saying you know you did what you could. I was there.

I guess you could say that I used the "tough love" approach.....without even knowing that I was doing it.

I know what I have to do. It is so hard. He talks of the future and our life together but really wants nothing to do with me. I can't seem to discuss it with him. I guess that is the root of the problem. When he still was writing me love letters, he said I was a good listener and so understanding. He could tell me anything. Well, aside from the s word, that is what the OW gives him.

I am afraid of discussion because it will become another bash the BS because this is all your fault scene. That is why I let so much go. It wasn't worth it. I created my own monster and I can't reverse what I created only he can.

Being in the medical field, I CAN'T FIX IT OR MAKE IT BETTER. Hard pill to swallow so to speak.

RN ... Nurses need to be empathetic to be good in our profession ... sometimes to our own disadvantage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> "Well ... duh!" You could have told me that ! LOL!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Ain't it the truth pepperband!

I don't know how I will survive without you guys next week <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> You make me smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> laugh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> cry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> but most of all make me wonder how complete strangers could be so kind, loving and giving.

I've mostly been a Taker here but hope to constructively contribute here soon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

P.S. I like all this attention!