Well the first month since it was anounced that the A is over is coming to a close.

Yesterday, (my sons birthday - what a fun time despite the letter), WW received a letter from OMW. OMW said something like this:

"I ask for your forgiveness for the things I said to you on the phone the other day (7/02/02). I so much want to do what is right in Gods eyes, and that includes my response to you."

My wife did not take this as being a sincere apology thinking that the OMW is just feeling guilty for her actions and is trying to make herself feel better for what she said. I said that it is hard to know her heartfelt intentions, but it sure seemed to sound that way given how she wrote her letter.

She is going to mark the letter "return to sender." I told her that this was a bad idea because it would add fuel to her fire and because of WW intention to hurt OMW by taking away any feeling of closure from OMW's apology letter. WW said she did not care and was going to send the letter back anyways. I did not try to press the issue. I told her I did not think it was the right thing to do.

Later on after my son's fabulous birthday party with family. She said she could not believe how selfish the OMW was. She said she was trying to put all this stuff behind her only for the OMW to send this letter. She said she felt that the OMW did this on purpose to hurt her. I kept thinking to myself "selfishness. Is that not what affairs are all about?". I went to bed feeling a little distant from her from what she was going to do with the letter and from what she said.

I am trying to allow my feelings to rebuild for her and do a good Plan A, but it is very hard now. My love bank is at the lowest it has been since we were married, and we are both so very busy with work and activities and needy kids. It appears that she is trying to pay attention to me and it is helping, but it seems like neither of us have the energy to put forth on our marriage. We now have a good babysitter who watches the kids at home weekdays until noon so WW can work, and we now can trust her with the kids alone. We are both exited at the oportuntity to have a date night once a week. I am hoping this will give us some needed time alone together. I bet we have less than 5 hours together alone each week, and in that 5 hours, we both seem to tired and love spent to really engage in good conversation.

We need to work on our time alone together, but I am still waiting for some positive signs that the withdrawal is over before I start pushing for changes in our marriage. I do not want to seem clingy or demanding now.

In the back of my mind, I still do question if the A is actually over. I believe mostly what my wife says, but I still have a little doubt.

dreamland:

Well, considering my W "ended" her A with OM last November, but is still very much in denial and still communicating with OM via email, I know how you feel about waiting for signs of withdrawal. I've not seen any either. I think it's just going to take more time, in your case (mine, too, maybe a lot of it!).

I agree with you that your W should not send back that letter. Best thing to do would be to toss it. Let OMW feel like she's gotten her closure.

Love bank ... It is difficult to fill our love banks whilst we witness our spouses doing something we see as selfish, ungraceful and uncharitable. I guess the only remedy I can see for this is to use our experience as parents ... realize that somehow we are able to maintain our love for our kids, whilst they are acting like royal pains in the ___.

Hope your dear wife recovers her ability to be sympathetic and generous to others ... especially others she has helped damage.

You wife has not yet "surrendered" herself to the reality of her choices. It will come in time I think.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi Dream,
I have followed you for quite some time now. I worry about you, but I never knew what to say to you, so I didn't comment much on your thread.

I think you are in one of the hardest parts to get through. Before the A has ended, you expect to be disapointed often, and you steele yourself against it. Now you expect things to inprove and often it takes a very long time. I hope you can show that same strength you did before, and make it through recovery too. I hope your wife makes it.

We are praying for you both, we expect great things.

SS

<small>[ August 02, 2002, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

First an update:

WW just called me at work to find out when I was getting home (not just to say hi or I love you, unfortunately. She always makes sure she has a reason to call.) She said that she was not going to send the letter back, and I told her it was the right thing to do. She started bringing up intentions and all that stuff back up, and frankly I did not want to re-hash all what I said already. She just can't seem to let the OMW go with this one.

She then changed the subjects and teased me about my new car and said the dealership had called up and said for me to return it and the financing did not go through. So I teased her back and said I was going to leave the country with the family and she could come with me if she wanted. She said that she was going to stay home so that I could wink at the chicks etc. etc. I told her I was not interested in any other chics. I was interested in her, and got noticeably offended by the comment. I told her I did not like the way the conversation was going and had to get off the phone to work. We ended the conversation. I wish I knew what was going on in her mind when she says these things.

I think she wishes I would find another girl and want out of the marriage. I think that she feels like we do not have a chance and she wants vindication by me finding another girl???? Anyone else have any ideas??
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2long,

I am sorry about your case. My WW since D-day has been very very honest with me, maybe not as upfront, but when confronted, honest with me. So when she says the A is over, I almost fully believe her.

There has been some signs of withdrawal, but since D-day she has been so down that it was hard to see any changes. She did cry very hard for the first few days.

She has been good at not contacting OM even at work. She has been able to get OM to use others for support. When he pushed her hard to reply to his emails and call him, she resisted.
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Pepperband,

This is so true. Not only that, it is major LB'ing on her part. I guess I could pretend to be her parent to help avert some of the LB'ing, but since I can't spank her (LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Actually, that sounds a little exiting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL ) how can I be a parent. The only thing I can do is comment on what in my humble opinion is right or wrong and hope she can do the right thing. (such as in this case, not actually sending the letter.)

I think she feels justified in her opinions and hatred for the OMW because OMW had two fairs on the OM. In her mind, how can she be mad since she had two affairs.

About the sympathy, generosity, and facing reality, I sure hope you are right.
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SS,
Someone as screwed up as me, what do you say?

You are right about expectations. I expect so much more out of WW (unfair though) now that the A is over. This is probably partially a selfesteem issue. I would prefer that the A is still going on and we are in this condition because at least then I can blame it on something. Now there is nothing to blame it on except for ME and US.

dreamland:

"I think she wishes I would find another girl and want out of the marriage. I think that she feels like we do not have a chance and she wants vindication by me finding another girl???? Anyone else have any ideas??"

My W said "you should find somebody better" for the past several years. I've realized now that this is part of her ratioinalization/rewriting of history. It's a way of her saying "I've had an A, but can't tell you, and since I can't be the W you thought you M'd because of this, you should find someone who can, so I don't have to feel so guilty for having the A". I've thought of replying to her "You should find somebody better" with "I don't want somebody better. I want YOU better!", but that might be seen as a LB. Oh what the heck, I'll say it anyway, as it is HONESTLY what I FEEL. And so it's valid.

As far as being disappointed in the progress since the ending of your W's A? Be careful! I've been disappointed so many times now that I've lost count. Each time hurts as much, and sometimes MORE than D-day did.

Remember what Hope4future told me and SC recently:

It's okay to HOPE, just don't EXPECT.

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<strong>

She then changed the subjects and teased me about my new car and said the dealership had called up and said for me to return it and the financing did not go through. So I teased her back and said I was going to leave the country with the family and she could come with me if she wanted. She said that she was going to stay home so that I could wink at the chicks etc. etc. I told her I was not interested in any other chics. I was interested in her, and got noticeably offended by the comment. I told her I did not like the way the conversation was going and had to get off the phone to work. We ended the conversation. I wish I knew what was going on in her mind when she says these things.

I think she wishes I would find another girl and want out of the marriage. I think that she feels like we do not have a chance and she wants vindication by me finding another girl???? Anyone else have any ideas??
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, it sounds to me like she called up in a good mood and was teasing you in a friendly way - that means she was relaxing with you and starting to feel good with you again - you teased her back in a way that was kind of close to the bone, and she retaliated in the same manner - I don't think when she rang you up at work that she meant it to turn into that or for it to come out that way - and I know you didn't mean to tease her in a way that would hurt her but that's what happens when you both still have such doubts and insecurities. Are you guys any closer to getting some marriage counselling? You have been through so much together and ought to have some help to talk through the things you need to talk about. Just ending the affair isn't going to repair the damage done or help you solve the problems that led to her doing that in the first place. It seems clear that she has a lot of her own issues that she needs to work on alone. Why don't you make an appt to see a MC, Dreamland, and then give her the opportunity of showing up, or not? No pressure on her to come the first time, but if you go and she sees changes in you and sees that there could be some benefit in going, she may then feel able to come with you, or go see someone herself for herself. You now have a good babysitter so this is no longer a reason not to go.

I have had a couple of positive signs from my H about things in the last few days - getting into MC is a must for us.

Really hoping you two are on the road to recovery. Praying for you both.

LIR