The LB fairie is coming out to drop a few LB's here...........or maybe reminders now that new beginning doesn't come around very much any more.

First, let me say I do not read all the post here any more, so I am not up on everyone’s stories.

Second I didn't recover my marriage and because several posters this yr have made remarks that they wonder why people who didn't recover their marriages post or are their advice any good, I try not to post to many here, just old friends or where I can't keep out of it.

Third, even if I did not recover my marriage MB helped me. It will help all of you. Plan A does not make you a wimp, or the WS respect you less, etc. Plan A makes YOU a better person, not the person you are Plan Aing. PLAN A IS ABOUT YOU.

Fourth: you can Plan A too long but before going to Plan B, do a good Plan A, no LB's. However, anything less than 6 mths is most likely not enough, even though ever case is different.

Fifth: Plan B may or may not recover your marriage. It is not to control the WS; it is to protect what little love you have left for the WS. It is to help you, so that you are recovering with or without your WS.

Sixth: Counsel with the Harleys. Do not grip about the money; divorce cost more.

Seventh: If you have read this far & have not read all this site, read everthing and/or read SAA, do so as soon as possible.

Eighth: Recovery is possible: even though you do not recover your marriage. In addition, Recovery personal & marriage takes TIME. It will not happen over night.

Ninth: To all of those of you giving advice be sure you have read this site and you understand the principals here. There is a difference in being supportive and giving advice. Sometimes just a quick post to say I understand or thinking of you is good enough.

10th: This is a great place to vent, to pour your heart, to know that there are others feeling the same since of lost, sick despair, sick of heart but remember this does not replace good solid counseling. This is a great place to let all the LB's that you want to say out; use it for that. Get support here.

11th: There are lots of success stories here marriage & personal. The old saying things do get better with time is true. Holding on to bitterness will only hurt you.

Good luck to all of you. May you recover and become the best you you can be. Hoping you each find peace & joy.

<small>[ August 02, 2002, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: sing ]</small>

Sing,
I have admired your advice in the past, and this post is up to the same high standard. Thank you so much.

Please tell us how you are doing. I believe there are a many that would like to know.

SS

I, for one, wholeheartedly endorse the idea that even those who do not recover their Ms have a great deal to offer.

Anyone who says otherwise is simply being shortsighted. We all know we learn more from our mistakes than from our successes, and in any case, NO system is infallible, even if applied perfectly. There are too many external factors and particular circumstances that make this process of infidelity/recovery even more fallible than most.

Sing; I would encourage you to keep posting, and I'd be happy to see your take on my progress/situation.

My dear Sing,

Truly wise and timely words. Just 1 year ago, I felt like I was a basket case and by some standards was in recovery (though I did not feel like it). However, you and many others helped pull me through.

The steps you outlined are correct. Those of us not applying it correct are not getting the full benefit of MB and it's principals. While we can't control what others say and do we can learn and grow for ourselves and sometimes, just sometimes we might be able to help others. I think with that attitude all here have the opportunity to forward with grace and dignity regardless if the M makes it or not.

I know that I have good qualities that a good M will benefit from. I am not as worthless as the WS and OP made me out to be. So their ability to assess correctly is gone. There words in that state of mind is not to be taken as the 'gospel truth'. That in itself is strength. I learned that here. With that knowledge I was able to regain my stance in life and rebuild my life. Marriage takes 2. Strengthening ones self can be done by 1. If the WS refuses to help the M, then the better person should move forward. When I got to that emotional understanding (even though my mind knew it much earlier), then I was able to move forward. This I also learned here.

Thanks for the firm and loving reminders.

Mahalo,
L.

Dear Orchid, you are one of the wise ones on this board. You have help so many people that if a star was added for each one that you have helped there would be an Orchid milky way. I am honored that you have always thought I helped you, most of the time I don't feel as if I helped anyone but provided some comic relife occasionaly. Still see orchids & think of you, not as often as I did in the Lion City, as they don't grow in H-town like they did in there.

SC, I didn't write what I did because I was going to stop posting, don't think I could if I tried but just a gentle reminder for ever one. Sometimes when you have been here as long as I have, I have been here 18 mths more than my time says, you see posters forgetting what Plan A & Plan B is all about.

I don't see myself as a good example of either. I did an all right Plan A, for awhile a great Plan A but when I was going to go to Plan B, things happen and I didn't. And well there came a time I just existed, I felt like I was somewhere I didn't have any choices, looking back I guess I did have choices but I was to afraid to take them & still not sure if I did.

But I did add my 2,3, 4 cents to your most recent thread.

still seeking, thanks you for the very kind words. I wish I lived up to them.

Sing,

You know I have followed your story since you came here. I have always been impressed with how you have expressed yourself, your level of insight, and how clearheaded you are even when under a lot of stress. I think this thread was very much needed and I think that you need to ignore those that think your advice is not worthy because you marriage ended. The odds are high that would not recognize ANY good advice so don't worry about them.

I am a big fan of yours because you have consistently given such good advice to people. Keep up the good work.

God Bless,

JL

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

yep, yep, yep as Duckie from those dinosaur cartoon movies would say <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...

I love your 2 cents (and your 3 and 4 cents, too!).

Like Orchid, actually, I think I surpassed Orchid in the basketcase phase... I learned soooo much here... especially from the veteran posters.

I invested in one session w/ Steve. I would have done more, if my H was not so dead set against it...

Remember when this site was DOWN so much last summer? I found myself reading and re-reading the articles and LISTENING to the old radio shows! I highly recommend that... no one can explain the ENs like Harley himself.

Thanks for the reminders, sing.

Cali

sing,

you forgot something that you remind me about a long time ago ... Don't start a new relationship before all of this ended ... stay away from any attactive opposite sex to find comfort. Other than that ... thank you.

About poster that barraging about saving M ... they are wrong. We all are try to save our M (many thing beyond our control) ... save our SO (if OP is bad news) ... save our self & what is left of our family (so we could recover) ..."it is not about the destination it is about the journey." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . We don't want the M that full of holes (A) ... we want to have better M ... w/ or w/o SO.

-RH-

JL, I am honored that you think I have given good advice. However, clearheaded under stress do you remember me in the spring of 2001? If you have read any of the Harry Potter's, I think I resembled Weeping/Wailing Mona, don't remember the book but there is this ghost that cries in the girls bathroom. I could have given her a run for her money back then. If it had not been for my IC & this board not sure where I be, but the walls would most likely be padded.

cali, yep, yep, my sons did love those movies & sometimes yep, yep is just the right answer.

I think I had Orchid & you both beat for basket case but I was over the worst by the time I met you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

However, going back & reading the articles & listening to the radio shows are what I meant. As helpful as this board is & I know for me it was a lifesaver, I believe to many people pay to much attention to these boards & not enough to all the REALLY helpful information on this site.

redhat, so I take you have stayed away from attractive opposite sex companionship.

Too all of you. I did not want this to be about me but I have to say I have enjoyed the kind words; I really needed them now. Self-doubt is one of my weakest areas.

I wanted to remind everyone what Plan A & Plan B are really about YOU, not your spouse but making yourself better. If you do that you will recover and YOU do have to recover from an affair. whether you are the BS or WS you have to have personnel recovery before there can be any other recovery. If you only have personel recovery, it is still a victory.

Again may you all find peace; it is under rated.

sing,

NC for BE ... only one accidental contact but no more. Actually I could not wait my Dv to legally move on. I am emotionally ready, thanks for this forum and many session$ w/ SH. I am excited with what lies ahead w/o my WW, 52 more days to come. I am in my 6 weeks sabatical, I am buying "a home" for me and my 2 D, my Dv settlement mid of this month & I am relieved from 6 years of turbulence in my life. Everyday I still thanks my Lord that HE has given me strength to move on and I know HE will give me a better M ...

-RH-