SC:

You're reply to Coffeeman said much of what I've been thinking about lately.

This is so incredibly hard sometimes that it does seem like just tossing the M in the can would be less painful. I don't think that's the case, though.

I also don't have any illusions that I can "fix" my M without possibly having to take drastic measures at some point, like plan B or even filing for DV. A bigger part of me thinks I can than can't, but after all the ups and downs of the past 6 months for me, my expectations are certainly in check more than they ever have been.

The other "reality break" for me was when Steve Harley asked me when I said that D-day was this past January "So, you only just found out this year?" like that was RECENT. And, compared to how long YOU have been dealing with it, it IS recent. It just seems like an eternity for me, and so Steve's emphasis on "only just found out" really made me realize just how hard this is STILL going to be for me.

I think I plan to look upon the prospect of plan B as a real, but tough love, effort to do my damnedest to save my M, if or when all other efforts in plan A fail. I will try not to think about DV as the biggest potential outcome, but will recognize that it is certainly one possible outcome. Plan B will be about saving my M, first and foremost, and so if I have to go there, I will do my best not to be afraid of it or feel guilty about it.

all my best,

We had to do "tough love" with our son last year. It was horrible. We tried and tried to help him with his problems ... but, eventually we became overwhelmed with the stress he caused our lives. He had been in the psych hospital 6 times in less than 2 years ... and he had been violent towards us. I was afraid of him just about every day.. ...

I'm under very few illusions anymore. I just cannot imagine reaching the point of "fixing" all I've realized is wrong with me, my W and our R and M during the 11 months this has been going on.

Perhaps that is the reality that so far I have refused to acknowledge. Perhaps out of a deep hope (some might say a false hope) that when the fog clears it really will clear, perhaps out of fear of such a major change in my life divorce would mean, perhaps fear about being able to put my life back together again after "her"...I'm not sure.

These are the moments when I question all of it, when I question my sanity; why in the WORLD am I still here, 11 months after this stated, STILL trying to find a way? I can't answer that. I suspect if a friend told me he was doing what I'm doing I'd say to myself "this guy's off his rocker"...I'd probably feel pity for the guy.

But, regardless, here I am, and at what I hope are the final stages of the pre-recovery process, where the main path will be chosen; recovery or separation/divorce, and not surprisingly, I'm having doubts. Doubts about me, my sanity, the outcome, my kids, my future.

I know I've done what is right. I know I've followed a good path here, I know I have given just about all I have to give to this, and I guess I'm just tired and with less hope, less enthusiasm, so I question ALL of it...

Thanks all for your kind an wise words. I'll make it to Tuesday, and then I'll still make it to the next marker, the next baby step...we're close to the end...that makes it somewhat easier, and yet so much harder.

And yes, I know; THIS particular "end" is just the beginning!

Eventually we had to do the unthinkable ... we had to place him in residential treatment. It was him or us by this time.

I do not wish to drag out the entire story, because it is a topic this board does not usually address ..... however, the idea that I am trying to convey is this:

If you had told me that we would be living as the happy family that we are today ... ALL of us together ... I would have said, "No way"

Son was in residential for 16 months ... and he HATED US for "doing this" TO HIM .... nevermind that he has ump-teen-million warnings that his choices were pointing him in that direction ... until he was actually there ... and away from us ... he could not fathom that we would keep our word and maintain the boundaries we had drawn (with help from many social services)

So, Space case ... it ain't over 'till the fat lady sings ........ You just have to do the goll darndest difficultest horribalawfullest toughestmuther things to get to the happy family stage.

DO NOT GIVE UP!

Every time I felt like giving up on our son ... I would go visit the pediatric cancer ward ... and then slap some sense into myself!

I love y'all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So, Space case ... it ain't over 'till the fat lady sings ........ You just have to do the goll darndest difficultest horribalawfullest toughestmuther things to get to the happy family stage.

DO NOT GIVE UP!

Every time I felt like giving up on our son ... I would go visit the pediatric cancer ward ... and then slap some sense into myself!

I love y'all

Pepper
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm NOT giving up, Pep. I'm having a darned hard time of it, that's all. I'm full of doubt, I'm full of fear, I'm not at all sure what permanent damage this has done to me or my kids, or all of us, and I don't know what will become of us...and it's scary and it's unsettling for a guy that through thick or thin, was always there to see for his family's needs.

It may be the combination of having lost my job and finding out about the A practically at once, and almost a year without being able to resolve either of those problems...it's just getting to me; I don't know what's affecting what anymore, or how much.

Life is marvelous! I went to check my email, and I received this from my father. He has just laid grandpa to rest a couple of days ago, and he, of course, has no Idea what I was thinking or doing at this moment, and yet...see for yourselves:

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Playing A Violin With Three Strings
by Jack Riemer

On Nov. 18, 1995, Itzhak Perlman, the violinist, came on stage to give a
concert at Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center in New York City.

If you have ever been to a Perlman concert, you know that getting on stage
is no small achievement for him. He was stricken with polio as a child, and
so he has braces on both legs and walks with the aid of two crutches. To see
him walk across the stage one step at a time, painfully and slowly, is
anawesome sight.

He walks painfully, yet majestically, until he reaches his chair. Then he
sits down, slowly, puts his crutches on the floor, undoes the clasps on his
legs, tucks one foot back and extends the other foot forward. Then he bends
down and picks up the violin, puts it under his chin, nods to the conductor
and proceeds to play.

By now, the audience is used to this ritual. They sit quietly while he makes
his way across the stage to his chair. They remain reverently silent while
he undoes the clasps on his legs. They wait until he is ready to play.

But this time, something went wrong. Just as he finished the first few bars,
one of the strings on his violin broke. You could hear it snap - it went off
like gunfire across the room. There was no mistaking what that sound meant.
There was no mistaking what he had to do.

We figured that he would have to get up, put on the clasps again, pick up
the crutches and limp his way off stage - to either find another violin or
else find another string for this one. But he didn't. Instead, he waited a
moment, closed his eyes and then signaled the conductor to begin again.

The orchestra began, and he played from where he had left off. And he played
with such passion and such power and such purity as they had never heard
before.

Of course, anyone knows that it is impossible to play a symphonic work with
just three strings. I know that, and you know that, but that night Itzhak
Perlman refused to know that.

You could see him modulating, changing, re-composing the piece in his head.
At one point, it sounded like he was de-tuning the strings to get new sounds
from them that they had never made before.

When he finished, there was an awesome silence in the room. And then people
rose and cheered. There was an extraordinary outburst of applause from every
corner of the auditorium. We were all on our feet,
screaming and cheering, doing everything we could to show how much we
appreciated what he had done.

He smiled, wiped the sweat from this brow, raised his bow to quiet us, and
then he said - not boastfully, but in a quiet, pensive, reverent tone - "You
know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can
still make with what you have left."

What a powerful line that is. It has stayed in my mind ever since I heard
it. And who knows? Perhaps that is the definition of life - not just for
artists but for all of us.

Here is a man who has prepared all his life to make music on a violin of
four strings, who, all of a sudden, in the middle of a concert, finds
himself with only three strings; so he makes music with three strings, and
the music he made that night with just three strings was more beautiful,
more sacred, more memorable, than any that he had ever made before, when he
had four strings.

So, perhaps our task in this shaky, fast-changing, bewildering world in
which we live is to make music, at first with all that we have, and then,
when that is no longer possible, to make music with what we have left.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Yep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">- "You
know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can
still make with what you have left."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't this what life is all about?

<small>[ August 02, 2002, 05:18 PM: Message edited by: sing ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sing:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">- "You
know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can
still make with what you have left."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't this what life is all about?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That IS what it's all about...question is, how much will be left? and will it be enough?

Hi Spacecase,

I'm really very sorry that I couldn't get back to you like I had planned to. I'm also sorry that I can't give an explanation on this forum, and hope that you will accept my apology without one.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. You sound tired--the weary kind of tired. This is, in my opinion, a CRITICAL time for you to take care of YOU in preparation for *whatever* lies ahead. That is one of the most important things I am learning here at MB and I am grateful for that--especially since sometimes the *whatever* that lies ahead is a crisis with a kid.

I hate that so many are affected by one person's selfishness and just plain stupidity. I love it that MB is here to teach us how to deal with those affects for the ones we love, and that includes ourselves.

Take care Spacecase. It's hardest to be patient and consistent when the *finish line* seems to be within sight--but it might be the most important time to be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by YetAgain:
<strong>Hi Spacecase,

I'm really very sorry that I couldn't get back to you like I had planned to. I'm also sorry that I can't give an explanation on this forum, and hope that you will accept my apology without one.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. You sound tired--the weary kind of tired. This is, in my opinion, a CRITICAL time for you to take care of YOU in preparation for *whatever* lies ahead. That is one of the most important things I am learning here at MB and I am grateful for that--especially since sometimes the *whatever* that lies ahead is a crisis with a kid.

I hate that so many are affected by one person's selfishness and just plain stupidity. I love it that MB is here to teach us how to deal with those affects for the ones we love, and that includes ourselves.

Take care Spacecase. It's hardest to be patient and consistent when the *finish line* seems to be within sight--but it might be the most important time to be.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry, YA, and hope you've been able to overcome the problem. Hope you're doing OK.

I'd still appreciate you input if/when you get a chance.

SC,

Hang in there friend!

You said "I'm full of doubt, I'm full of fear" and I know how you are feeling.

Confront those feelings... Only after I started confronting my own doubts and fears I was able to gain more control of myself.

Feel the doubts, feel the fears, try hear your inner voices - It was very difficult for me at the beginning of my separation, but I knew I needed to find peace within myself - I could no longer 'lean' on my W anylonger.

Trust me, after you have confronted your fears and have compassion for your feelings - accepting the fact that its ok to stand alone, you will be much stronger and focus on working on you.

By doing this will show your WW that a. you are giving her space b. you are confident c. you can live with or without her d. you hold the key to your own happiness. Those are the good traits that may make your W see the M in a different light.

In my case, I did these things - I felt good and it helped me to move on. After I realized that I was able to "make it" on my own and I was able to make myself "happy", I felt my M was not my main focus that myself and my children were...

just my 2c..take care SC! Keep ya head up!

I got an unexpected positive sign today; my W said she was re-arranging her schedule for Tuesday so she could attend the session with Steve, and later told me she had done it.

I sure hope Steve is able to get somewhere with her....

I guess the "detour" to the Plan B Letter thread turned out to be longer than expected, but I believe we have a pretty good Plan B letter (watch Steve take it apart!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) and I'm pretty much set for tomorrow.

Tomorrow; it is yet one more Big Day in the seemingly endless saga...WW's first session with Steve after the confrontation. And I have no idea which way it'll go!

She does not seem in any way to have embraced anything like ending the A or NC, or if she has she sure hasn't given ME any indication...and frankly, I have purposely under-estimated the chances of a positive outcome with Steve tomorrow. I don't see her anywhere near de-fogged enough, or the A nearing its end to be more hopeful. So I'm pretty much resigned to Plan B; I'm ready (I think) and pretty much all my preparations are ready.

Of course, Steve, in his wisdom, may have a different idea...he often has thrown me some curve-balls, so this may be the same.

Anyway; I expect he'll talk to her for most of the time, and hope he'll press the issues with "enthusiasm" (sounds better than forcefully!) and perhaps elicit a positive response. Ending it, NC, measures to ensure NC, ar at least a very firm committment to doing these. Otherwise, I see no further benefit or positive outcome to continuing in Plan A...it's gotten too painful and destructive...it just grates on me...the triggers, too much.

So, Plan B. The BIG guns. The final warning bell. The exit strategy...this should be interesting! I'm actually kind of excited about the possibility. It's been a VERY long time since I was in a position to just hang out and do my thing...not quite sure what "my thing" is anymore! LOL!!! but it'll be fun to find out!

Any other thoughts? Any thoughts regarding my "theories" about Plan B and if they're sound? (Not depriving her of ALL financial support, and setting a 3-month deadline before filing for D)

Hope everyone's thinking of me, and praying for my W's "enlightenment" tomorrow morning...thanks everyone! I'll post an update after the call...

<small>[ August 05, 2002, 06:56 PM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

Here's the final final final Plan B letter as I will submit it to Steve for his approval (should it be needed)
Thanks to all the forum members who helped, this really feels like it was a group effort, and I'm very thankful for it. I think it's a beauty.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My Dear W,

This is a very difficult letter for me to write, one that has been weighing on my heart and mind for some time.

It has become evident that our M has suffered due to neglect by both of us. While striving to meet the needs of our family we have missed meeting each other’s needs. I sincerely apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that hurt our relationship. I foolishly pursued my career thinking I was doing the right thing for us and our family, without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistakes.

I can commit to a marriage based on honesty, openness and mutual respect and care for the other's well-being. I can commit to marriage with you on those terms - I cannot commit to marriage on terms other than those.

I have thought about my mistakes and I am willing to work hard to correct them and create a new life for both of us that will meet both our needs. I cannot continue to do that until you end your relationship with OM and all other relationships and emotional commitments which require you to maintain a secret second life that takes away from our relationship, for once and for all. I love you and I want our marriage to work but in order to preserve my love for you I am no longer able to maintain contact with you until there is no contact with the other man.

Until then, I will need to avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you as much financially in meeting all of our current obligations. I will continue to pay the mortgage and I will provide you & the children with groceries and other basic needs, but I will not be able to pay for utilities or for your car and other living expenses. You will have to cover those yourself. I have made arrangements for the children to see or stay with me whenever they desire, but they should do it without you. If I should need to come to the house, I will make sure to do it when you are not there, or will make arrangements with the children to bring me what I need. I’d appreciate your leaving my mail in the mailbox as I will pick it up myself, until I make other arrangements. If you need to communicate with me regarding the children or any other matter, it should be through a friend or family member, (I might suggest D or B), unless it is an emergency involving the children, in which case I will take your call.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You may be aware of the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OM, and I simply cannot continue like this any longer, while knowing that you are with him, and hearing the sound of your voice when you speak to him; words I have not heard in many years. These things are removing the love I feel for you; so although I still love you, I must not see you in order to preserve the love I have left.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OM, demonstrate it in a credible way, and are willing to follow measures to ensure total and permanent separation, then we can talk about our future together. We cannot make the mistake we made in the past, thinking that by just ending the external relationship things would work themselves out. I believe we can jointly arrive at a positive plan that will ensure we're both happy with our lives together.

I understand how difficult this will be for you as well, and I will make every effort to provide you with comfort and support as we work through this together. Steve Harley can help us do this, as well as help us create a plan that we can both agree on.

I love you, W; you will always be very special to me. I look back through our life and I choose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused me and hope that in time you will forgive me too. I hope that we can work it out and be the best of friends. I hope with all of my heart that we can both put aside our harsh feelings and frustrations and see the good, and see the hope.

I just cannot bear to be with you or see you while you are still involved with OM and give your love and emotional connection to someone else. I’ve loved you since I met you, I loved you when we married, and I continue to love you today; perhaps even more than I ever did before. I look at the picture of us on the beach, and I remember the dreams and the hopes, the stars, and the sunsets we watched. I remember our first awkward time together, and I still believe those dreams are possible.
All my love,

Spacecase
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">