Last night I came down stairs and caught my H looking at gross porn. I was (taking a nap.. bad headache) so H never thought I would walk in on him.He feels real bad about this, which is strange because he didn't act this quilty when I caught him e-mailing hi "Girlfriend" in 2001.He thinks that I can trust him!? When I walked in the den when he was looking at pron he lyed and lyed to get me out of the room so I couldn't see what pages he was on.This man told me he "found God" was changed forever and so on..Help me.

bump up

Hi Linda, I'm sure my opinion won't be a popular one but here goes.

I think porn, in some forms, is harmless. It's something some men and even some women enjoy. But if it's taking away from intimacy in a relationship - such as he/she is spending time with porn rather than having intimacy in the relationship - then it's a bonafide problem.

I understand he lied to you and I'm not condoning that but why did he lie? Was it because you have reacted badly to it before, or was he embarrassed or was he afraid, or just being defiant?

I think that's the answer you need - the WHY he lied about it and the WHY you got so upset.

No, I had never seen my H loking at porn before. In fact, I would tease him about it, a total joke, when he was on the computer I would joke"Looking at Porn" I got real upset because it is how I caught him having a year long affair, I walked in the den and he click the computer over to something else...he was writing love notes to his girlfriend.I demanded his password to his work computer, he gave it to me, he thought he was safe he would delete her e-mail,BUT he forgot to delete the ones he sent to her.I found them...He just likes the sneak and lye and that's a fact,I have never seen him ever look at a dirty mag. before,and we have been married 23 years.I had no idea.

"if it's taking away from intimacy in a relationship "???...

...there is no way porn is NOT "taking away from intimacy in ANY relationship"!!!

It devalues women... and men too...

It turns men (and some women) into selfish... mindless... zombies! (like my xW... hooked first into lesbian stories... and now into nudism... for which I have to go to court... custody issues)! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Porn... is an addiction...
...like drugs, alcohol, sex.

It is a blight on society... and fueled by accepting promiscuity as a way of life.

Get your H to into counseling...
...perhaps a good Christian counselor!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Anything that you do behind your SO 'cause you don't want her/him to know is cheating and it is not healthy for your M. If you both agree that is a diff. thing. Even swinging couple ... who do we to judge them, thay are not cheating ... both party agree. -RH-

Linda,

I'm usually on the Emotional Needs board...there are at least 3 very active threads (maybe more) about this very subject with some interesting and insightful discussions...that are going on right now. Since sex is on of the top needs for men, there seems to be a great deal of discussion about this subject over there. You might check it out....and join in.

Some spouses consider it cheating, some don't...both sexes and the reasons are interesting. There are alot of male responders who give us ladies a look into what it's all about. I think it would be good reading for you.

<small>[ August 08, 2002, 09:03 PM: Message edited by: starfish4729 ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

when 2 people agree to rob a bank... it is wrong.

when 2 people agree to cheat on each other... it is wrong.

when 2 people (who vow to give only to each other self)... and introduce a third party... it is wrong.

when 2 people conspire to murder... it is wrong.

When society reaches the point when we can agree that...
...if it feels good... that makes it "right"...
or ..does "feeling good" supercede honesty to self... and honesty to spouse?

It's when the "feel good" psychologist have won... that we have all lost.

Have we really thrown out absolute truths... written deep in our hearts?...
Is everything "relative"?...

Do we have to have a discussion of "what is... is"?...

----------

Seek truth...
...without it there is no honesty...
...without honesty... relationship is shallow and meaningless... as is life.

Judge not people...
...but to discern truth... right... wrong... and virtue... judging "actions" based on a well formed conscience is a necessity.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR