I was very interested to read the great EA thread on the 'just found out' board.

I am a S woman so hope it's ok to post here but have a question about a MM.

I have been good platonic friends with an MM for a year now. (Yes I know everyone has rather strong views on whether a man/woman can juggle this delicate balancing act anyway)

I had no idea this MM harboured any sexual attraction or emotional feelings for me whatsoever - probably because everything was quite neutral on my side (although i think he's a fantastic person and enjoy his company.)
Our friendship was not a secret from his W and in fact I made sure I attended any parties
and BBQs they hosted as a couple, as a deliberate reassurance to W that there was nothing clandestine about our social acquaintanceship.

A few weeks ago we had a few drinks together and he became very physically affectionate and suddenly confessed he was extremely attracted to me and wanted to have an affair.

I made it clear that this was unacceptable but at the same time I felt very sad and upset that this revelation might undermine our good friendship.

The upshot? He is desperate now to convince me he can pull the reins in on his behaviour and feelings but is adamant he doesn't want to lose my friendship.
He's saying that as long as we don't see each other alone so there's no temptation there, and we continue to socialise soley with a group -that I should be reassured and that everything will be OK.

I've told him i need some thinking space to decide whether I am able to pursue this friendship now.
In your (collective) experience do you think I can trust his intentions now and is this is a safe option to pursue?

I genuinely think he knows he made a big error of judgement and regrets it, and we are both extremely fond of each other so I would hate the thought of not being able to socialise with him any more.

Hummm - perhaps I am not the best person in the world to comment, but being in my own turmoil, all I can say is "RUN A MILE"!!!!!

I don't think he's being honest with you. If he has these feelings they're not just going to go, and by continuing to see you he probably hopes that you may change your mind.

I am both a WS and OW, and the pain and devasatation is frankly not worth it. Although you may feel sure now that you would not become invovled with him in a PA, how do you know that you are not already in an EA - you seem to be meeting his emotional needs.

I am very new to all of this, but as I say, I would steer well clear of this man for your own well being if nothing else.

dazed, I would really encourage him to start thinking/looking at what is missing in his own M that has him looking elsewhere for this. Does he talk about his problems in his M to you? If he does, he really ought to be talking about them to his W. He needs to be communicating with her about what he needs and not to a third person. He may be surprised to find that there things she may not be getting from him either.

I respect that you have come here for advice on how to deal with this. You will probably have to withdraw from him at the very least altho more likely you probably will have to stop all contact with him because as the situation is now, he is at least having an EA with you even tho its not reciprocated. He can't abruptly stop having those feelings for you no matter what he says.

Somehow you are meeting needs that he has that would be better served if he could get them met by his W. Do you know what those are? Maybe he could be encouraged to post here so that he can see that there are other options than having an A. Because he has shown himself to be susceptible to this already. So even if you do not go along with this, the next woman may not be as honorable. C

D&C;
If you truly care for him, stay away. Help guide him towards improving his marriage in ways that will reduce the "temptation" he succumbed to when he became physical.

These "innocent" relationships have a funny way of turning into affairs that devastate families and everyone involved in them.

Almost without exception, people who get involved in these relationships somehow end up saying the following things: "I never meant for this to happen", "I wasn't looking for someone else", and "I never meant to hurt you"...but it DID happen, they WERE looking (even if only subconsciously), and they sure DO hurt everyone.

dandc,

First let me say that I do trust that your a single woman looking for answers to your question and not an OW over from TOW boards looking to stir up trouble, this happens often!!! I am not that good at sniffing them o ut as some others, that will be around later.

I am not sure how you found this site, a single woman should not need to look for a Marriage builders site.

But now that you are here WELCOME, there are many great things here that you need to read to understand were some of the answers are coming from that you will receive, so please do that. There are a number of links when you go back to the JFO board.

AS a BS who's STBX had an EA that went PA let me tell you that no he cannot rein in his feelings.

Is it fair for you to be at the same function socially with him and his wife and have him thinking of you instead of having his attentions were they belong? Just a little bit of eye contact or a brush, some inocent flirting maybe harmless with a fiend that has not confessed to you what this man has confessed.

If this man was a true friend and one that was worth keeping in your life, he would not have confessed (would not have confused a signal to confess either)his feelings for you, he would have reined them in at that time, and not jeopardized the friendship. He did and now it is beyond repair.

You don't need a friend like this!!! Find a friend that likes doing the same things as you do, and that is free to be the friend that you need, and if it turns out to be more then a friendship great for the two of you. If you ask most couples that have a strong solid marriage, they will both tell you that they married their best friend and have maintained that friendship throughout their marriage!!!I lost my friend when he looked else were for that friendship. I should have been a better friend to him so that he didn't feel the need to go in search of a new friendship.

Just my 2 cents for the day!!! I did not say the things I did to offend you in anyway, I said them so that you can see from the hurt of what a mis-guided friendship can cost, and also so that you can see them from how the appear to those on the outside looking in.

I do hope that you take seriously all responses that you receive.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Look at it this way, if you had said yes, you'd be having an affair.

If all he wanted was friendship, he'd not have jeopardized your friendship by hitting on you.

At best, it was fishing to see if you were willing. Keeping in social contact will enable him to try again. Most likely he will, and if you say no, he'll apologize again.

He chose to cross the line from platonic friendship to affair-talk, that's rarely an accident. You were alone, drinking, he was touching you. All of that was deliberate.

You are in the danger zone, what you choose to do is up to you, but his feelings for you put his marriage in jeopardy and you are in line to become an OW. He's taken the first steps to infidelity, and in drinking alone with him, so have you.

Friends don't do that to friends.

D&C,
Most men do harbor some sort of sexual attraction to their opposite sex friends. Some of these know outright while others are naive enough to pretend it's plutonic. From your story i can't tell which your M is but we'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's the naive type.
Since he has told you how he feels it's too late to remain just friends. Your instincts are right on this and you need to avoid contact.

You may even want to suggest that he come to this site and start reading so that he can save his M. If you do then you are a true friend to him!!!!

Here is the thread that D&C is talking about.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=001759