dear dawn-is this statement based on fact or an educated guess?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> should i be looking for loose floating balloons with thongs in them??

Good morning Nikko;
Try putting things in the balloons that will arouse his interest.I remmember a commercial here in canada where a wife called her husband on the phone asking him to come home. He said no then she said did you look in your breifcase this morning.He open it up and found a photograph.His eyes popped and then he said I'm be right home. So maybe you could put something like that in a balloon.Be creative

231

bumping for a new day^^^

wwl,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 6) leave an email once in a while, something provocative (this one, i found out doesn't work so well though, she's barely on computer, so one time the message didn't get read for 3 days and by that time, that "feeling" was gone, well not gone but less) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You hit the nail right on the head here. For me it's not so much what is done as it is the demonstration of the feeling of passion/love that he feels at that moment.

My H brought me a single rose recently as an apology for 'a mistake he'd made around the house'. Meant alot to me. Felt caring and loving but not romantic.

The next week he bought me another rose. Not for any mistake he'd made but because he saw that I liked the rose the week before. Also meant alot to me and was sort of romantic. It was an 'if she likes it, I'm willing to do it' kind of thing. And I am quite happy living at this level most of the time.

But occasionally he'll do something because he feels really passionate about his love for me and those are the gestures that really hit home. The ones where he wants to show his love to me rather than try to give me what I'm asking for.

One of the most romantic gestures he's ever made was one time when I was flying home from somewhere and I had to change planes. H was somewhere else and was to fly to where he lived (we weren't married yet) around approximately the same time. He changed some of his plans and his flights so that he would be at the airport where I had to change planes at exactly the same time that I was. Completely to my surprise, he met me at my a gate as I got off my plane and escorted me to my next gate. We only had about 15 mins together before I was off on one plane and he was soon to be off on another. But that 15 mins meant the world to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

EC

dear confused-that made me cry-a good cry. what a wonderfull thing to do. thanks for the story and im so sorry you have to be here.

Ok, here’s my personal book of romancing:

First of all I believe there is regular maintenance romance and then there is SPECIAL OCCASION ROMANCE. Something I guess I should have clarified with hubby sooner???

For regular maintenance romance I like the following:

Receiving flowers (it’s my opinion that scheduled flowers are NOT a good idea..a gal I know said she expressed many times that she wished she’d get them, so he ordered them to be delivered regularly, instead of picking them up when he’s thinking of her.) Once a month is nice…more often doesn’t hurt. You can get a simple bouquet for $5...but choosing random sizes and flowers adds some variety…which I personally like.

Notes and cards. Again…weekly would be good…but atleast once in a while sure adds a warm fuzzy feeling to ones life. Email and e-cards is nice too. Maybe a phone call once in a while just to say I love you, I miss you! I wanna rock your world when you get home tonight, you sexy love goddess you, LOL!!

Hugs and kisses. This means NOT groping. Hubby has really softened up both his touch and his kisses and they leave me feeling much more loved on a daily basis. YES, a DAILY BASIS. For goodness sakes you can kiss your spouse goodbye and preferably hello. Goodnight would be a good time as well!!!

Compliments and verbal affection. Telling your spouse that you love them, that they look nice, that they smell good. Telling them you appreciate them or something they did…telling them wonderful things because you notice!!!

Desire. It feels nice to be desired….but for me not until I feel appreciated and loved. Romance me first…desire me next. Feeling desired….a sensual seductive look with a Hi honey, wink wink…a seductive grope or passionate kiss....telling me I look nice…soooo nice in fact that….

Surprises! I like surprises. Little things…nothing big. And ADD them to a date or to a nice day. You’re walking through a mall…swing in to a flower shop and buy one rose or a pretty niknak. Pick up something slinky or a romantic candle. READ A BOOK about romantic things or find a website. Goodness sakes…us women get tired of trying to teach you all the time, and believe me…osmosis does NOT work! I told hubby the other day…if you worked for a guy and had to ask him EVERY time it was time to do something, how to do it….how long do you think you’d stay hired there? Well….same with women….if you’ve already been told the answers, either start WRITING IT DOWN or reading some books. QUIT ASKING!!!

Help around the house. If the domestic chores are piling up…the passion level goes down the chute. My hubby has been WONDERFUL at doing both dishes and laundry and picking up the house…but since it’s not one of my top needs…it does little for actually helping me feel ROMANCED. It’s helpful…but in my book…just as much his responsibility as it is mine. But for some, this is a real love bank filler.

DATES!!!! This is where we SUCK. We don’t date…never have dated. I moved in and started playing wife a month after we met. I desperately need my husband to learn how to date me. To plan something without asking me 100 times should we go here, should we do this, are you sure, are you sure????!!!?!!? Just friggin PLAN SOMETHING, get a sitter, and I’ll have FUN!!! He actually did this once after we separated…and I really did have a great time. HINT HINT HUBBY!!! And while ON A DATE…PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR DATE! Hold hands, put your arm around them, talk to them, LOOK at them, compliment them etc etc….

In conclusion, I think that the main idea behind REGULAR MAINTENANCE ROMANCE is attention. It’s the little details like taking the time to write a note or send an email…taking notice of you when you’re in the same room (eye contact, hugs and kisses)…and overall CARING enough to SHOW you care. It’s not expensive…it’s not difficult…and any excuse you have not to do it is just that…a LOUSY EXCUSE!

Now SPECIAL OCCASION ROMANCE:

I was accused of expecting a cruise to the Bahamas for our anniversary. Well…you know, I think that would have been very nice…but I actually thought jewelry would have suited the occasion just fine. I don’t see any reason why a guy can’t make a big deal out of a couple of days a year. Just go overboard some time for goodness sakes…what skin is it really off your back? I’ve said to hubby on MORE THAN ONE occasion…what I would have done if in his shoes. I would have FILLED the room with flowers after a foul up like he did on our anniversary. When he was accused of lacking in creativity and romance after we separated…another opportunity I feel he should have gone overboard to show he had it in him. I NEVER would have expected it all the time…I was looking for some indication that he knew he needed to pull out all the shots. He’s yet to show any indication of doing anything like that. It’s expensive? What if they don’t like it? Hey…what’s more expensive…a room filled with flowers or a divorce? (or hearing aids from getting brawled out cause you’re a schmuck) Guys seem to have NO PROBLEM justifying going overboard for things that interest them….we’d like to feel like we were your MAIN interest…therefore worth going overboard for once in a while. I’m not talking once every ten years either…I mean once a year or so. What’s really the big deal??? Find a fancy restaurant and go all out…heck, take a limo. TAKE a cruise if you can…if you can’t, then plan a romantic camping trip. But do something BIGGER and BETTER than every other holiday and occasion. That, to me, is worth the price because it would send me from feeling loved to being “in love”.

My hubby has gotten pretty good at every day romance. He buys flowers, he helps around the house, he’s got a soft touch and is complimentory and kind. What we lack are dates…and creativity. He thinks if a dozen roses works for valentines day, it should be fine for our anniversary too….and birthday, and Christmas while at it too. I like variety…and that doesn’t make me high maintenance. It’s because I want to enjoy ALL of lifes amenities before I die…not just one.

And yes...I believe that everything I listed above is reciprocal as well. I used to do many of those things for hubby...but found out that he really doesn't give a hoot about some. So I'm learning. He'd rather have a nice meal and the dishes done than a cute card. Ce la vi...each to their own!

dear hope-explain it to him like i did to my hubby and WWL--if he was to only have sex missionary style for the rest of his life, nothing else, wouldn't he want something different. not that that isnt good, you just want variety! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> that got the point across, i dont think he'll do anything about it, but he gets it.

Nikko...much like I'm sure you have, I've explained this before...in every way I know possible. At some point...it requires action on their part...really whether they get it or not. I'm not going to say anything anymore...I'm done educating. If hubby wants to know, he can ask, he can read a book, he can surf the web. He's willing to put the effort in to his farm...he can do the same for our relationship...or he can let it go downhill. It's his call at this point.

And as far as sex goes....he's NOT interested in variety. He was very happy with one way. Variety doesn't interest him...it intimidates him. So that analogy wouldn't probably get me too far. We're working on that, and he is showing more interest...but I have a very strong feeling it's for my benefit...not his or ours. I think he'd still be satisfied with good old drive through missionary sex.

I don't mean that as an insult, either...it's just how he is. He learns to do something one way, and that's good enough for him. I'm constantly desiring to learn new things and do things better. So in that aspect it's no wonder he sees me as high maintenance or unpleasable...neither are true, I just crave creativity and variety and he doesn't.

His efforts have meant the world to me...but on our Anniversary he gave none...so that's why I was extrememly hurt. I don't expect him to do everything the way I would have or to always know what to do. Just TRY SOMETHING!!!

<small>[ August 07, 2002, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: hope4future ]</small>

dear hope-i know exactly how you feel. for our ten years since we met anniversary(we always celebrated this day)i got him a wonderful card-and all us bs know how difficult that is-and a trip to montreal canada. i was so excited and couldnt wait to give it to him and start celebrating. well i got no card no gift and no acknowledgment of the day at all. i would have loved even the little you got. i know you were expecting more, but look hard at the progress you two have made.

Nikko wrote:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> thanks for the story and im so sorry you have to be here. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Nikko. I too am so sorry that any of us have to be here. All are such nice people and all hurt or hurting so badly.

It was very nice to run across this thread with it's positive, loving undertones. Thanks for the breath of fresh air.

EC

bumping for a new day-would love to hear from some others. everyone here talks about wanting others to do more....well, spell it out for us.

Nikko and gals,

Still keeping up with this one, but is it just me or....are there only a few a you with ideas?

Just wonderin.......Anyways.........

wwl

im starting to feel the same way- i dont get it. everyone complains about this, but doesnt want to get involved with this thread. maybe they are all having off-days. i know i am.

i had talk with husband the other night, per steve herley, and ended the conversation with telling him what i needed.(having my needs met) one of the things i would love is an e-mail, or a coice mail once in awhile telling me i love you or something sexy. he calls me yesterday and asks if i got his voice mail. i said no,(he only sent it 10 min. earlier!) we get off phone and once again i am all excited and go check my VM. his message was this,"dont call on my cell phone, work repo'd them, i'll call you later."
not 24 hrs earlier we talked about sexy VM messages, does that message turn any of you on??????? no i love you, nothing.

so as you can se-im not in a romantic mood right now either-i may strangle him with the thongs!

Morning Nikko;
What's wrong with him? I tell her I love her every chance I get. We both try to meet each other's needs and we do discuss things. Keep working on it and I'll check in later today. Right now I'm off to have Coffee with GF <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and then off to work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> If you can post me about 6 pm and we'll chant, If that what you would like to do

231

Nikko...I think in order to get more responses, you need to reword the title. It doesn't say anthing that would lead a person to believe it's about a guide to romance or what women want. Just an idea.

Nikko,

I hear your frustration and I'm so sorry your first week with Harley's help isn't going more smoothly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...i may strangle him with the thongs!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At least you haven't lost your sense of humor. I laughed so hard when I read this.

If it's any consulation to you, this thread has helped me see daylight for the first time since H's A. Remembering the airport experience was in some way concrete proof to me that he does love me. (And one of very few things he's never done for OW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Ironically, two days after I posted that story he surprised me by coming home at 1:30 in the afternoon. He said, if I want, he'll come home from work every Tuesday and Thursday from 1:30 to 3:30. He'll keep our 5 yr old D and give me the car so I can go out and do my own thing without her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I haven't gone for a haircut for 5 yrs without the child in tow. In fact, I homeschool so I could count on one hand the number of days D and I haven't been together all day. And those days were while I was in the hospital for complicated neck surgery. (My parents kept her those days. H wasn't around at that time...he was down here on this island with.......I digress. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> )

Anyway, not only did he take my needs into account, but he took our D to a playground within walking distance from here that she loves rather than expecting her to entertain herself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

(Happy tears) I'm finally starting to see daylight. I can't believe it.

And you know what, Nikko, you were the catalyst. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

You must excuse me now. I have to go make some calls to see if I can find a gym where they speak English on this rock they call an island. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

EC

<small>[ August 12, 2002, 03:11 AM: Message edited by: Extremely_confused ]</small>

dear extremely confused-im so glad your feeling good today. im glad i could help. enjoy it!!!

dear 231-i wish i knew what was wrong with him-other than selfishness. im starting to wonder about narcissistic tendancies.(SP?)

we had been having trouble because after years of begging for his time i shut down. (about 5 years of lonliness) i shut down for about 3 months and he feels so neglected he has an affair!HELLO I LIVED THAT FOR YEARS!!!

i thought he was getting a clue, but alas i was wrong. im begining to believe he is not gonna change till i throw his selfish A$$ out!

Well, I have a good update on the romance front. Today H stopped off at grocery store and bought me a bouquet of flowers! Daisies, my favorite. I was very surprised and it made my day better. He also bought me a pack of Haagen-daz popsicles (yummy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ) because he knows I love them. Yes, this today came out of what I said in MC last night but thats ok. I hope it lasts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> C

dear firefly- so glad to hear it. i love daisies!! nice to know your husband is listening.