Okay, am I dreaming?? I have been doing the Last Resort Technique,(Plan A with detachement, modified Plan B, call it whatever you want, but did not write a letter). See my link to my post about below:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019250

Anyway, I was literally getting ready to leave to do some shopping and was just finishing up a few things when I heard the garage door open (WH has garage remote).

He had told me yesterday that he would talk to me this weekend, took it with a grain of salt of course, don't expect anything.

I went downstairs, he walked in, asked him what he was doing, and he said that he was bringing a carload over. Looked outside and his car is packed!! (WH has been living with OW for 18months).

I kept my cool, tried not to overreact, a little surprised. He brought in all of the stuff in tote boxes and then put them back in his car so he could get more stuff.

He told me no promises but very possible he is moving back for good, he is moving everything out of the OW's,and is going to stay with one of his friends to clear his head.

I guess I could see this in a good way.
1. If he does experience any withdrawal from OW, I do not have to see it in the beginning.
2. Helps him decide if this is really what he wants, I want him to move back because of me, not because he feels like he has to.
3. Gives me more time to do a recrash course on SAA!
4. Helps to start things out more slowly, kind of like dating. Eases the "weirdness" of sharing the same bed right away for the first time in 18 months.

I feel like I handled it well, I did not smother him about it. In fact, I talked about things that would make him comfortable, his new job, etc.

He told me no promises, I will focus on me, because if he does come home for good, I have got to be ready.

Question: I would like for him to read the Harley books. I thought about just saying: "Hey, these are some really good books that have helped me and understand more about relationships, you can borrow these if you want." And then leave it at that, if he takes them, he takes them. I am not going to force them on him, (but at some point in time, if he comes home, I definitely want him to read them).

Please, any advice!!!

<small>[ August 14, 2002, 11:13 AM: Message edited by: going_crazy ]</small>

Congratulations, stay cool and do not smother him or come in with harley remedy.. let him come to you- do you have a counselor to talk to for ad vise. sorry my advise is not much anyway... except that you won him back by giving him space... oh so good! I am proud and happy for you.

Thanks for your kin d words to me. YOu deserve this, pray... keep taking care of you, keep smiling. WOW- can I say that again... WOW>

H

...... WOW!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I guess do whatever you've been doing - seems to be working! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

About the books... sure, you could casually mention, or leave them around to find.

Sounds like you're on the right path, but as you imply, need to be cautious. And you're so right about the benefits of having some space during their withdrawal... I think my WW has had some time to deal with that - without me being around - yeah!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Honey:
<strong>stay cool and do not smother him or come in with harley remedy.. let him come to you- do you have a counselor to talk to for ad vise.
H</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hey, aren't you supposed be hiking!!
I am trying to stay JOE COOL, did not let him see the excitement I had, because like I said, he's not home yet!! I have spoken with Steve H once, I am going to make another appt with him to see how I should pursue this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J.R.:
<strong>
About the books... sure, you could casually mention, or leave them around to find.
Sounds like you're on the right path, but as you imply, need to be cautious. And you're so right about the benefits of having some space during their withdrawal... I think my WW has had some time to deal with that - without me being around - yeah!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He knows that I have them (he knows that I should open up a bookstore full of relationship books). I have tried to get him to read them in the past. The only one he took and said he read (not for sure if he read it all or any at all) was the Divorce Remedy by Weiner-Davis.
I think I will see how it goes for the next few days before offering the books to him, see what Steve H says if I can get in this week. Like Honey said, I don't want to smother. I did that for almost 18 months and you see how far that got me!!

I am proceeding with caution, one day at at time, I cannot predict the future, I cannot change him, I can only change me!!

Going.....yaaaaaahhhhhooooooo........I am so happy for the good news. Prayer does work and God is great. Sounds like he is ready to work on marriage. I will keep praying for you and the restoration of your marriage.

Love in Christ
cajunky

Hi GC this is EXCELLENT news and I'm really excited and happy for you!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have tried to get him to read them in the past. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he knows they are there then don't push the issue at all. Its an LB. Let him find them when he's ready, you can't force someone to heal. Just by doing what you have learnt will be a better teacher to him than any book he reads.

Don't forget that there is a new going-crazy in town and that she has her own life. Keep the mystery going and have fun for you!! Remember plan A/180 is for you!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cajunky:
<strong>Going.....yaaaaaahhhhhooooooo........I am so happy for the good news. Prayer does work and God is great. Sounds like he is ready to work on marriage. I will keep praying for you and the restoration of your marriage.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks cajunky. I am praying that God will get him ready to work on the marriage. No promises yet, but a step in the right direction. Baby steps right?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Seahorse:
<strong>If he knows they are there then don't push the issue at all. Its an LB. Let him find them when he's ready, you can't force someone to heal. Just by doing what you have learnt will be a better teacher to him than any book he reads.
Don't forget that there is a new going-crazy in town and that she has her own life. Keep the mystery going and have fun for you!! Remember plan A/180 is for you!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have got sooooooo many books!! (I had in my nightstand, stacked on my nightstand, etc, I got them all out last night, I have a laundry basket full, no kidding!) He wouldn't know the right ones to pick. That's why (and I'm going to play this by ear) I may "mention" them and then leave them out. I am not going to "force" them on him.

The one thing that I have a concern though, is that if he does experience withdrawls from the OW, that he may think that he needs to be with her. I would like for him to read SAA soon so he can understand his feelings and mine as well.

Hmmm, I don't want to dash cold water on anything....

But the affair isn't over. They'll probably hook back up again repeatedly. In fact, I just asked my H...how many times did you break up with OW?

He made a few wisecracks about 30, 40....no, really it was 60 times.

My point is, you are probably seeing another dip. Yes some reality has set in, but it doesn't mean its over.

I wouldn't mention the books. Personally, I wouldn't mention your marriage until he wants to move home, and THEN, you say: And how are you going to rebuild my trust and our marriage?

If you let him move home right now, you can plan on living through a nightmare while he waffles, recontacts, and/or goes through withdrawal and then refuses to work on the marriage.

Setting clear boundaries about what I would and would not tolerate was the best thing I ever did. That way, I knew the affair was over and my husband was serious about fixing us.

I think you need to do some really hard thinking about what you need in order for him to move home. I mean seriously, its your marriage too. Why is he the only one that gets tomake choices?

You have choices too. And you have rights. You have the right to an exclusively intimate relationship wtih your husband. Why should he get to just decide when he wants to come home, without so much as asking you about how you feel about it?

Thanks for your advice Bramble. I don't planning on letting him until he decides to work on the marriage.

But since he hasn't yet, I guess I'll just forget it.

going_,

I think you are doing the right thing going cautiously and waiting til he indicates he is ready to re-gain your trust.

So keep reading and re-learning, so that when he comes you will know what it is that you want to say and how to say it so that it will lead to an exchange and is not confrontational.

May God be working in your H's heart at this time.

Dawn

GC, I am very encouraged and very happy for you, keep up the great work, it is working.....
When I was in this situation, I offered Divorce Remendy to my W, no pressue, just said that I read it and it helped me, if you want it I am done with it, if not fine.. she took it and read it, about 2 day later she sent me an e-mail stating how interesting she found it. Keep doing what you are doing - no pressue, let things happen at their own pace, stay stong.
Take care,
Dave

thanks for the words of encouragement, I haven't spoken to him since Saturday, pretty bummed about it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .
I'm pretty sure that he is staying with one of his friends near his new job (an hour away from here, 2 hours from OW) because he hasn't came by to get his mail (he would be able to get it before I got home from work).

Problem is, he can be as stubborn as me, one time I went 2 weeks without talking to him and I just happened to be home sick from work one day, he said he missed me "but was going to break first". He always seems to act alot kinder after we haven't spoken.

A few months ago, I had emailed him an excerpt of Divorce Remedy to him and he liked it, even borrowed the book. At the time I had it loan from the library, and he asked me to renew it. He didn't tell me how much he read (if he did), and I didn't ask.

I am not going to mention any of the books to him until I see more progress (if any).

trying to stay sane.

GC,

I am going to stick my neck out a bit on this and advise caution. It might be some fog clearing but the fact that he came back and you did not mention that you had terms for his return sounds more like he expects you to be there to take care of his stuff. More you meeting his needs than a work together plan.

If that is the case, then be prepared to take BR's words to heart. My H did the same thing. Came back at 2am with a truck load of stuff. I was energized and happy but that did not last for long. 4 move outs later (including 1 jail stint) sent him back to the OWs house for 10 days (the longest stay ever). The last time he moved back in, it was on my terms he had to ask to come back. NO more surprise returns.

Of course, when I shared this caution before someone mentioned that I should change my attitude. But since the fact is that many recoveries have false starts, being cautious is a safer way than not being prepared for a bit of a let down.

So stick with keeping your expectations in check. If he does better than that, then the disappointment level will be easier to handle.

I wish you well.

take care,
L.

He hasn't made a complete return, and we didn't discuss any future with us on Saturday. In fact, he may have been surprised because I was actually pretty mellow around him. I showed no excitement at all (maybe that was a bad thing), because I have learned NOT to expect anything. If he does decide to work on US, do you have any suggestions on the conditions. I was planning on following SAA principles. Listen to me, I'm getting my hopes up, wasting my time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi GC, I'm sorry this is hard, it truly is the roller coaster. Although I'm a rookie at this, I think you should listen to Bramblerose and Orchid and be cautious. I too thought my H and I were heading for recovery, but now I see that as long as OW breaths the same airspace there is no hope for recovery.

It was extremely disappointing and after being told for 6 months that he still loved me, he wanted to take it slow, needed time to think, wasn't really in love with OW, blah, blah blah, after being encouraged and let on by him I decided enough was enough. I don't know how people do plan A's for a year - I couldn't cope with it.

They become very good at manipulation and will tell you whatever you want to hear. They know that you are hoping they will come back and they get very cocky and decide they can treat you any bloody way they please.

Do not loose hope, but do not expect anything either. Take anything he says & does at face value for the moment until you are SURE that OW is GONE.

It really hurts sweetie, I know, but they truly have lost a grip on reality. You need to be the one to stay based in reality, even though its no so much fun.

GC,
I don't know all of your story, so I may be out of line here, but I believe you should treat this as a post-Plan B return (IF he wants to return home).

What I mean by that is that the same conditions that would be applicable to returning after Plan B should be implemented here. He's been gone 18 months, why should he be allowed back home just because he had a spat with the OW, or whatever other reason?

I believe he should prove to your satisfaction that the A is over, that he commits to No Contact, to implementing safeguards to ensure No Contact, and to commit to working on your M with you and a counselor. Otherwise, you'd be allowing the fox into the hen-house...he'll feel like he can just come back any time he wants, without conditions...I don't think that's good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Seahorse:
<strong>I too thought my H and I were heading for recovery, but now I see that as long as OW breaths the same airspace there is no hope for recovery.

Take anything he says & does at face value for the moment until you are SURE that OW is GONE.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I haven't said that we are starting recovery, just that its a baby step forward. I know that if we were that OW would have to be completely gone, I will not start recovery until that has happened. Under no conditions is he allowed back into our home until she is out of the picture completely.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Spacecase:
<strong>GC,
What I mean by that is that the same conditions that would be applicable to returning after Plan B should be implemented here.

I believe he should prove to your satisfaction that the A is over, that he commits to No Contact, to implementing safeguards to ensure No Contact, and to commit to working on your M with you and a counselor. Otherwise, you'd be allowing the fox into the hen-house...he'll feel like he can just come back any time he wants, without conditions...I don't think that's good.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with you totally.

Maybe I shouldn't have even started this post, I should just give up on my marriage completely and crawl back into my hole <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

No, the thread is good...

Stay positive, I know that it is difficult, don't give up yet, I am encouraged by the fact that he is taking responsibility. You are doing all the right things, just keep doing them and give it more time. Let him come to you. Hang in there...
Dave

thanks for the encouragement <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm trying my best to hang in there.

I didn't start this thread to say that we were in recovery.

I started it because I wanted to get feedback on IF he does decide to proceed with US on how to go from there.

I 'm not going to fool myself and say that it is over because he moved some things back in. I have learned way too much to take everything with a grain of salt.

I know that it may not seem positive with the things he said and started to do, but to me it is. However, I am not going to plan my life around what he did say.

I'm just seeking advice and help on the best way to handle the situation.

I am hoping that the affair is dying a natural death, wonder if its better that way, maybe it would stay dead. WH has lost way too much out of this.