Hi Crip

I have been reading your thread with interest, so much sounds like how I am feeling, but not in terms of your depression, suicidal feelings and self harming.

Firstly, I can never begin to imagine how terrible the abuse for you must have been. Although you "like" your IC you are not sure if this person is right for you. You must change until you find someone who you feel is positively helping you. I did this recently. My IC was very nice and chatty etc. but I did not feel challenged or that she was really helping me in a truly positive way. I have just changed and my new IC is on holiday, but I feel that she can and will help me. Yes she is "nice" too, but that is not enough. You need someone who can actively work through your individual problems with you. If you had this support, the feeling of not being supported elsewhere by family or friends may not seem so acute. Also think carefully is there is anyone you can talk to. It may not be someone so obvious at first or someone you think may not understand, but ineveitably if you turn to people for help, they will support you.

So many other things you say remind me of me. Being a Brit, the MB thing was hard for me to post on to start with, but everyday now I spend time here, reading what people tell me and reading others' stories. For the first time since I first posted, I had a glimmer of hope and felt there was light at the end of the tunnel. Although we don't know each other or anyone on this board, certain things that people say strike a cord. No, we're not friends, but you can actually say what you feel here, and gain some valuable insight and support.

You talk about your low self esteem and not liking yourself - me too!!!! It seems that this is very common with WS. It will take me a long time before I get over this, and this is also something I have just realised. People have said to me, be patient and give yourself time. I used to think I was confident, outgoing, gregarious, attractive, funny, witty (other people's words_. I was good at my work (I am self employed as a business consultant), and a loyal wife and step mother. I don't think I am any of those things now, but with time, I may be able to get better again.

Be strong for yourself and your children.

Lisa

it is so good to hear from you. I hpe you are well today. It is ironic thaat i initially found the A aboost to my self esteem but realised quickly that it actually has had the adverse effect because of the intense guilt involved. The kind of feeling that ' why was i being so selfish' 'why was i not thinking about the outcomes and the effect ti would have on my H and family'

And also the intense concern that i had for the OM and his feelings when at the end of the day he just walked away from it all. I had a wierd sense of responsibilty to everyone else apart from myself as i feel that i have been the bad person and dont deserve to feel anything other than this over powering remorse.

I am glad that my H encouraged me to post here and thankyou for your honesty. I hope that we can learn to be strong and forgive ourselves.